Friday, February 29, 2008


Forgot to mention this earlier. I remember a little snippet of my dream from last night and it's so completely obvious, it's hilarious. My parking lot at work is underground; I call it the "dungeon". It's extremely dark, cramped and tough to park in. Apparently a few years ago, they discovered this building was beginning to shift and they had to reinforce it with lots of concrete poles. So there are huge pillars like every 2-3 spaces in the parking garage.

So my dream was that I was driving around in the parking garage and I couldn't figure out where to park. I'd start to pull into a space then realize I wasn't going to fit there, try to pull out but I'd get stuck b/c of another car behind me. I kept driving around, trying to get into various spots til finally I found one wide open....utopia! I pulled in with ease and realized that it wasn't a parking spot at all....I had just stopped in the middle of the driving area!! Oops.

Parking Lot: To dream that you are in parking lot, suggests that you need to slow down and take some time to relax from your daily activities. To dream that you cannot find a parking space, indicates your inability to find your place in life. You may still be on your quest to find your niche where you belong. Alternatively, it may reflect your busy life and the lack of time you have.

Hmmmmm, ya think??

I wave the white flag on this week....

...for it has entirely kicked my ass.
I am one person and I'm so tired of functioning as two (possibly three!) employees and as two parents, and trying to keep up with everything life throws at me. I'm worn down. I'm in pain. I feel like I just climbed up a mountain and got plowed down by a truck at the top of it. I'm in a bit of a fog. And I can't decide if I should cancel all plans this weekend and be a hermit or if getting out of the house is the smartest thing I can do. Frankly, I've had my fill of "alone time" with DD. I love her and all....but a Mom needs a break, ya know??

Yesterday was just rough even after the Dr appt. She was crabby the rest of the day. We did manage some quiet snuggle time which was nice. But there were fights over going out to get medicine, what to have for dinner, taking a bath, going to bed. I asked her if she wanted to call Gramma before bed and she said, with the most dramatic sigh and laying her head back on the couch "No, mama. She makes me so tired!" I said "I know the feeling, kid!!" It was too funny.

Anyway, I was up late last night trying to get a few things done. But my arm just hurts so much, it's so hard to do anything. I was laughing as I was doing laundry.....the puke load out of the dryer as the poop load goes in......wonder what will be next! It's a veritable lottery of bodily functions..... Had trouble sleeping as the arm seems to get worse at night and also b/c DD kept making noises which put me on edge waiting to see what will follow. This AM was just fight, fight, fight, fight trying to get DD ready. I know she's tired and not feeling well so I cut her alot of slack at these times but she took it too far and I scolded her which of course escalated her meltdown which then led to MY meltdown. I had to go in my bedroom and bury my head under a pillow to scream and drown out her crying for a few minutes.

I gave her a bagel in the car just to keep her quiet and occupied. Frankly, I would have given her filet mignon and a chocolate layer cake to keep her quiet at that point. Good thing she only asked for a bagel ;o) But she'd fallen asleep in her seat by the time we got to daycare and don't you know it was more fight, fight, fight to get her out of the car and into school. And then she was having a meltdown about being there so I hung out with her for a while til she warmed up and was 45 minutes late for work. Only to come in here and be assaulted with problems, problems, problems. I just give up. I want to crawl under a rock.

Thursday, February 28, 2008


As you know from last post, DD has been sick. After yesterday's rough day and shameless whine, the day ended with DD's daycare calling and saying she was irritated "down there" and was standing in the corner of the classroom screaming at anyone who tried to come near her. At least my girl knows how to enforce her boundaries!!! So clearly, round 2 of antibiotics really did a number on her. She ended up sick from both ends and a very angry looking yeast infection. Poor kid. Picked her up at daycare and she was definitely uncomfortable. 5 minutes after we got home, DD said she pooped and asked me to change her. I had no idea what excitement was in store. It appears she exploded in her pants....ugh. It was everywhere and on everything. *sigh*

This morning, she woke up with a 102.3 fever. I pumped her up with motrin and brought her to work with me til I could get her into the Dr. Thank God for the portable DVD player. We've watched Thumbelina about 8 times today. She was very uncomfortable in my office, crotch grabbing and all. Well, a co-worker came in to tell me something, points to DD who was behind my chair and he says "Ummm....naked?" I look at DD and she's standing there with pants and diaper around her ankles, rubbing her "shiney" Oh my! (BTW, that is what she calls it. I tried to teach her the real name and that was all she could pronounce at the time. I thought it was so cute, we kept that nickname for it!)

So we go to the Dr and it's a male Dr. I thought about it because I had the opportunity to take her to a female Dr in another office but I like this male Dr and he's been seeing DD through all of this recent illness so I felt like he was the best choice even though I know it's very difficult for me to watch a male Dr checking out DD's private parts. I will never forget watching her first exam as a little 4 pound preemie and the Dr doing that part of the exam. I thought I was going to haul off and slug him!! I think my blood pressure shot off the charts at that moment.

In any case, in the Dr's office today, DD was HIGHLY cranky. She did not feel good, she had just fallen asleep in the car about 10 minutes earlier and was over-tired. So just walking in the door was full of drama and crying. I got her into the exam room and was calmly explaining to her that the Dr was going to have to look at her shiney. I had her almost calm enough to let me get her pants off when the Dr walked in and she broke out in tears again. Unfortunately it came down to the two of us holding her down and wrestling her to get a look. (Insert Panic Attack) I felt like the biggest creep. I know we had to do it but then I started feeling like I betrayed her by not asking the Dr to give me another few minutes to calm her down and prepare her. I felt like I gave in to self imposed guilt that they squeezed me into the schedule and, out of respect for HIS time, I hurt my baby. When he was done with a very quick look, DD pulled her knees to her chest and turned her back to both of us, sobbing. I mean like can't-catch-her-breath sobbing. My heart was breaking. She would not let me touch her. I had to give her space til she would let me hug her and then she just clung to me sobbing for a solid 5 minutes til I could even get her pants pulled up. I had to carry her out of the office. I traumatized her. :o(

So on the drive home, I got to was this child who not 2 hours earlier was standing naked in the middle of my office grabbing herself without a care in the world. Yet in the privacy of the Dr's office, even with me there, it was a horror show. And I thought about the amount of seduction, pre-meditation and evil intent that goes into coercing a child into the willingness to participate, or even just tolerate, being abused. What kind of sick, backwards patience and unspeakable devious planning is brewing. Even my 3 year old daughter has the natural boundary to want to protect herself. What kind of monster it takes to chip away at that instinct day by day and steal an entire aspect of an innocent soul. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Shameless Whine

I am exhausted.
I have no energy.
I'm getting sick.
My right arm is killing me from the elbow pain, radiating up & down the arm and it's so weak that I can hardly do anything. It hurts to write, pick up the phone or open a door. I have to eat left handed. I can't wear makeup b/c I can't bend my elbow enough to get my hand to my face.
I'm so fat that none of my clothes fit anymore and I'm sick of being uncomfortable.
I can only seem to keep control of my eating for a few days at a time.
I'm miserable.
I'm disgusted with myself.
I'm tired of DD being sick. I'm tired of covering everything in towels & blankets b/c she looks like she's going to throw up every other minute. And I'm tired of fighting with her about it b/c she doesn't like things covered in towels & blankets and she screams at me every time I bring a bucket near her to catch it in case she does get sick.
I'm tired of fighting with her to get out of bed every morning.
These new antibiotics are giving her mad diarrhea and I feel bad for her. But I feel bad for me having to clean it up every hour, too.
I forgot to take my Effexor last night. And I keep forgetting to put some upstairs &/or in my purse. So I have none with me. Which means I have to get through this day without it and when I get home, all withdrawl-y, dizzy, shakey and mother will be there waiting for me. And DD will probably be crabby again. And if I have to have the "pull yourself together and be the grown-up" talk with my mother tonight, it may not be entirely gentle.
I'm behind in everything.
I'm just now finishing up a work assignment I started on 12/27! I can't focus because there are so many things that need to take priority. I'm worried about what is not done. (But of course I'm blogging instead of working)
I am tired of fighting with my manager and having to clean up all his messes.
My house is a disaster.
I have laundry, clean and dirty, piled up all over the place.
I haven't put away the clean dishes.
While this is a good thing in the long run....there is construction crap all over the place as the guys work on finishing my projects. It was supposed to take 1 week but we are now on week #3.
I haven't been able to leave the alarm on b/c they are in & out every day and so I'm more jumpy at night (ie: hard time falling asleep) knowing it was off all day.
I haven't paid my bills. I owe 3 months of common fees and I have no money.
I need to go to Costco b/c I'm out of essentials. But I have no time, no energy and no money. And my arm hurts too much to lift all those big cases of stuff.
I need to file my taxes so I can get some money.
I feel like I don't have any friends.
I miss having a boyfriend and I really want one again but I sabotage every guy who shows interest in me. Yet for some reason, I panic at the thought of removing my dating profile.
Why is it that I specifically say I don't ship internationally on Ebay and then the person who wins the auction lives in Germany and now she's giving me a hard time about the postage rate when she never asked me how much it would cost to ship to begin with? I don't set the rates, Frau-PainInMyRear. I am not the USPS. Just pay the damn invoice.
I need some more coffee. Even though it hurts like a son-of-a-b!^@# to lift the cup.
I would just really like to shut out the world, go to a spa, sit in a nice dim, warm room full of aroma-therapy, piano music and a non-triggering massage. Of course, there is no such thing as non-triggering massage for me.....and as for the spa....well, I have no time. And no money. :o(

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Is Spanking Abusive?

I was thinking about something this morning. I think it was sparked by Tink's response to my last post, remarking how badly she felt for smacking her DS on the arm. I was thinking about the times I also have used some sort of physical discipline on my DD and how it ate me up inside immediately afterwards. I, like Tink, immediately regretted it and apologized to my DD for not making a better choice.

Let me just say, before I get too far into this....I am neither pro-spanking nor anti-spanking. It's not high on my personal list of ways I'd like to discipline but that is due to my negative association with it in my own past. I respect any parents choice of discipline as long as it's carried out in love and the best interest of the child.

I was remembering my mother and her method of punishment. As I've intimated time and again, my mother doesn't discipline for much. I don't recall the events that led up to a punishment. In my mind, I'm thinking they were smaller issues like not cleaning my room, not taking out the garbage. Maybe just being fresh mouthed. Those types of things. I must have been at least 9 years old because I recall this happening in the house we moved into when I was that age. And I know she did it to my brother as well, who was 3 years older.

What I do recall is the "ritual". I find this pretty triggering to recall and to write about. I'm having to breathe and focus to stay calm but I have butterflies in my stomach. The ritual was this: Go to your room. Pull down your pants. Bend over the end of your bed. Wait. Then in she comes with either the wooden spoon or the black leather belt. Spanking ensues. If you make light of it in the midst, the spankings increase in force. In fact, she once broke the wooden spoon over my brother. Wow, this makes me soooo uncomfortable to talk about.

So I ask this scenario.....older children, nakedness, impersonal, the anxiety, humiliation and shame associated with the pants down and waiting......I feel like this was abusive. Of course, I'm hyper vigilant about abuse. So I'm not really sure. At the very least, I feel it was inappropriate for kids of our age. I read a little bit on a website about spanking with love and her methods most definitely do NOT fall into the "with love" category.

It never made me fear her. Instead, I still always felt like I had the "upper hand" in our relationship; like I knew I could walk all over her if I wanted to. Sometimes I have real trouble distinguishing what I felt then vs what I perceive today. At the very least, she gave me mixed messages, sometimes turning to me as a peer and other times pulling the parent card. I feel unsettled as I write this. I feel like I've said what I came here to say but I'm not done with this topic. Thoughts &/or perspective would be appreciated.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Pure Joy

My DD's name loosely translates to the title of this post....pure joy. Well, she's 3 1/2 years old so she may not be PURE joy all the time (wink) but she is the light of my life, for sure. She's sick this morning. My friend J came over yesterday and spent the night. She and I headed upstairs to go to bed around 1am and DD woke up. Said she wanted to sleep in my bed with me. So I let her. Only to be woken up early this morning by the telltale noise that shoots every mother out of bed in a fraction of a second. *hurk* Popped up and shoved my hands under her mouth to catch handfuls of puke. As she started to heave again, I (gross, sorry) wiped it on my shirt, grabbed her to run to the bathroom which of course resulted in a stream of puke all over my bed, walls, carpet, closet, bathroom floor and rug with about a teaspoon ended up in the toilet before she was done. *sigh* Goooooooood Morning!! Cleaned it up, gave her a bath, still working on the laundry......

We're now sitting on the couch together. She can't even keep down pedialyte so there have been a few more, much smaller, episodes. As we're laying here, I just look at beautiful. So unbelievably precious, she takes my breath away. So innocent. So trusting. I love to touch her, hug her, snuggle with her, hold her little hands. I love to rub her back and her legs and feet. Touch her chubby cheek, her little upturned nose, her smooth forehead. Love to twist her hair and bounce her headful of curls. I'm obsessed with her little belly button, which seems half innie, half outie, because I know that is where she and I were attached as she grew inside my body. I love this child something crazy. I adore her with everything I am. I cannot fathom not feeling this way about my baby.

I guess sometimes the depth of my indescribable love for her overwhelms me and it hits me that much harder how my parents could act the ways they did. What happened in them that they were unable to feel this pure joy and protect me like the gift I was? How any parent could hurt a child. I will never, never, never ever comprehend.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

My mother, the victim

On Weds night, my mother was over for dinner. My DD is a little sick still and was cranky. My mother talks to DD in a babytalk tone and DD was not responding well. So there is my mother, cowering away from my 3 y.o. DD and asking her for permission to sit & eat dinner with us!! When DD screamed at her, my mother backed off and asked me if she should just leave. I said "If that's what you want to do." and proceeded to sit down and start dinner with my DD. Eventually my mother sat and joined us. She was looking/acting so dejected.

Well, I was sharing this with my T today and my T said "She's turning your DD into your father!". My mother is playing out a scenario in which she is the victim and DD is a victimizer!! She's creating this dynamic and teaching my DD that she can gain control of a situation by screaming! I never even thought of it like that. But that is clearly going to come to an end!! So next time this happens, I need to tell my mother basically to act like the adult and take control of the situation, to stop treating DD as if she's an abuser to be frightened of. You can guess how much I'm looking forward to telling her something like this......

I've been having an extremely frustrating time at work moreso the last few months than ever before. I have a manager who I could tell stories of for days. He sucks my energy like you cannot fathom. He makes my job much harder than it needs to be. In a nutshell, he slacks, he lies and he looks at porn during work hours. The owner and I have had several conversations about it. His position is tenuous at best right now. But I find myself walking this line between not taking on the garbage that my manager leaves undone and keeping my company protected. It's tough and it gets tougher as time goes on.

Today as I was waiting to go into T, I felt like I didn't even have much to talk about because with everything going on this week, I've not really let myself relax. Well, sitting there in the waiting room, I did let myself relax. I did my grounded breathing and I started crying immediately. I went into T's room and actually lay down on the couch and cried! I said I felt like everything was so overwhelming right now. Work is extremely stressful and I leave there with little energy. Then I have to pick up DD and head home for dinner, bath, quality time with her. After she goes to bed, it's my time to clean the house, prepare for the next day and then hopefully have a little "me" time. But I have so little energy that it takes me so long to just do the necessary things around the house. Everything is falling behind. Things are kindof messy. I can't find things. My bills are about to get behind. I walk around feeling so overwhelmed about what to do next that I don't do much at all. I waste time because I can't focus because I'm overtired and then I stay up too late in an effort to have time for me at the end of it all and don't get enough sleep and it all starts over again the next day.

I apparently really strained my elbow last weekend when I did a marathon Ebay photo shoot and ended up with of tennis elbow. I had NO idea how horribly painful this is!! It's excruciating, like a knife in my arm! And causes such weakness that I can hardly write, pick up my coffee cup, hold my purse, etc. So trying to function with this is extra fun! Yesterday afternoon, I started coming down with a cold. I forgot to take my Effexor last night. I woke up this morning with a migraine. elbow, migraine, sneezing, coughing, congested w/running nose, feeling nauseous. No desire to eat. Can't take Effexor without food and started with shaking & dizziness by the time I got to T. Also without food, can't take my vitamins, Advil (for elbow) or cold medicine. So I feel like crap. Feeling like everything is spiraling out of control.

First I talked to T about my situation at work. She said my boss is an addict and a psychopath who needs to seduce people with his lies. She also said that he and I have a classic "under-functioner, over-functioner" relationship and it will burn me out. She said from what I've told her, he's incapable of pulling his act together. The owner of my company had a serious talk with him 2 weeks ago. Then this week, while my manager was on vacation, it came to light that he'd lied right to the owner's face in that meeting. Owner is pissed and said manager has 60 days to pull it together or he's going to have to take action. I'm not sure what that means but I feel like I need to set my own 60 day follow-up and, if he is still up to his old tricks and not being fired, I need to re-think my position there. I hate to do it but I can't allow this kind of negativity to surround my career.

Next we talked about the thing with my mother and I also told her about the dream I had with my house flooding. It's funny I found so much of my dream obvious except for the part where I pulled the too-small suits out of the closet. Even though it seemed trivial, I had a feeling it would probably be relevant. T immediately said I could have been picking up on this dynamic with my mother projecting her abuse-victim trauma from my father onto my DD. Interesting.

At least having that opportunity to just vent and express my frustration at everything allowed me to let it go a little and get some perspective. Came home and did a flylady in the kitchen. 15 minutes on the timer and just started in one corner and did as much as I could in that short period. I've done it a few times today. Stopped at a drug store & picked up a brace for my elbow. Went grocery shopping and am making some chicken soup as I type this. I feel a little better now that I've organized by brain and my space a bit. My best GF is coming over tonight so that should be fun. Sure wish my cleaning had turned up my Netflix movie....... maybe tomorrow!! :o)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

General Update & Dream

Actually, I will start with the dream because it's probably more interesting than the update, LOL!! This was a few nights ago and I don't remember all of it. Here is what I do recall:

I was at home. "Home" was my house, in structural layout, but it was decorated much differently, very stark white and lots of mirrors. Also, my brother was there with me but I was trying to stay away from him. And, although they were not present in the dream, my mother and father lived there also. It was raining and the house began to flood. Rain was pouring in everywhere, running down the walls and pooling on the floors. I was trying to make phone calls to get help but not able to reach anyone. My brother was sitting in a corner, playing computer games and eating snacks but calling out instructions like "Call the management company. Call Mom." I tried to call my mother but she was out getting new suits for my father. I remember as I was trying to call her, I was standing in the kitchen, my kitchen as it is now, but it was very dark, no lights on. When I realized she was out getting new suits for my father, I went to the hall closet and pulled out his suits which I knew to already be his new suits. They looked so tiny and I was wondering how these could possibly fit my father. This is really all I remember except for an overall feeling of panic; being expected to fix everything that was going wrong with no one's help.

So....some of that is very clear. Reaching out for help, no one responding, feeling like it was all on me to fix the problems. I had to look up the significance of the water, flooding. Here is what my dream dictionary said:
Flood To see a flood represents emotional issues and tension. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. Consider where the flood is for indications of where in your waking life may a situation be the source of stress and tension. (I don't like this part....I hope my home is not the source of my stress! In this case I will assume my "home" is actually my family.)
Water symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To dream that water is rising up in your house, signifies your struggles and overwhelming emotions. This kindof strikes me because I don't feel like I'm struggling with overwhelming emotions right now. But, you know, as I ponder that....I suppose I am. But I'm so used to operating like this, I mistake it for "normal"
Mirror To see your own reflection in the mirror, suggests that you are pondering thoughts about your inner self. You may be contemplating on strengthening and changing aspects of your character. It may also indicate that you are coming face to face with some inner issue. What you see is related to your persona and unconscious. Seeing images through the mirror may be a safe way for you to consider and/or confront material from your unconscious. Mirrors symbolize the imagination and a link between the conscious and unconscious. I wasn't actually looking in any of the mirrors. I was just surrounded by them. Perhaps, considering that last sentence in the interpretation, it's just a reminder that I'm pulling out of my fog and coming into a place of reality?

As for the general update: not much to report, really. Work is incredibly busy and stressful. DD is sick again. My contractor is slowly getting more work done on my place (finally!). I pulled a muscle in my forearm and it hurts like a son-of-a-b!#@&!! I can hardly pick up my coffee or sign my name. I've done alot of work on my home business and hoping to make some money this month!

I'm going to be scarce this week as I really, really need to focus on work while I'm here. Hope everyone is doing well and I look forward to catching up on all your blogs soon.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

A new photo for a new attitude

No one may have ever noticed the photo all the way at the bottom of my blog page before. This is what it was. ~~>
This kindof stark and dirty wall with the word "heal" as a question. Heal? My caption was "Can I really do it?" And it was a legitimate question at the time I started this blog, which really was not that long ago. August 15, 2007, in fact....almost 6 months to the day. Wow. I feel like there has been such growth in me during these months.

Today I was perusing my blog and, when I looked at the picture, I felt that it no longer represented where I'm at in my journey. So I have replaced it with a new photo. A photo which makes reference to a recent comment by my T. This was from a recent post:

"It's really pretty cool to be present in my life so much of the time now. It's cool to be able to see things and connect things. T said she was recently taking a walk on the beach with her dogs and it was a misty, foggy morning. She said at first it was really nice...comforting, mysterious and a certain peace to it. But then it starts to feel isolating and you wonder what is beyond the fog. Then once the fog lifts, you want to stay in the sunshine and be able to see what is out there. And such is therapy."

So I found the new photo at the bottom of my blog now because this is where I am today. The fog is lifting. I'm seeing things more clearly. I no longer desire the isolation and the cover of the fog. In fact, I find it downright suffocating. I want to see what is out there. That is how this photo made me feel. (Plus it was taken in New Hampshire which is my fave vacation spot!) The leaves in the foreground of the photo are very clear. The middle of the lake is a little hazy and the distance still in the fog. But you can tell the fog is rising and dissipating. And it makes me feel a little excited when I look at the picture....what is out there? What lies beyond that mist? What kinds of possibilities and beauty will be revealed? I feel so full of hope lately. I no longer question my ability to heal because I am certain I'm on the road. And this is a damn good place to be. It's not that life is all sunshine and roses now! I certainly still have my issues to work on. But at least I see them and they feel managable. And the best thing of all is that I really feel present in the here and now. I'm actively involved in my real, present day life. I'm able to sort out what is old stuff being triggered and make connections to my feelings. Heck, I'm able to feel my feelings!!

I used to feel like such a therapy was like sitting there week after week after week with the same issues and hearing the same things from my T. I never got it. I couldn't understand why her seemingly wise advice never seemed to make it past circling my eardrums and bouncing back out into space! But just all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, and at no particularly dramatic moment in my life, it just *clicked*. Finally! I wish I could spread this feeling around to everyone in the world. Because I feel like I've unlocked the door leading down the hallway to owning my power and finding my freedom.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Aint that Karma a b!%@#??

So my mother calls me this morning just to tell me something about my brother (one of my abusers). First of all, I don't know why she thinks I'm interested. Even though (evil snicker), I do secretly love to hear of all the bad things that happen to him. She tells me that he had money stolen out of a PayPal account. Well, first of all, I find that hard to believe because PayPal is an extremely secure site. And unless he fell for one of the spam emails and provided his login info to someone without thinking, I dunno. I think he plays my Mom for sympathy and money. Anywhooo...Mom says "Unbelievable. Just another example of the black cloud that hangs over that boy's head."

Well.....I don't have to tell you that I find the "black cloud" to be entirely self-induced. I think he is consumed with anger, guilt, shame, self-loathing and it just oozes out of him. So I think he attracts the same negative energy to himself. Negativity breeds negativity. And I also think he enjoys it in a "this is a familiar pattern and where I'm comfortable existing" kind of way. I believe he needs the drama, the tragedy, the sympathy of my mother. (oooh....hmmm....did he feel deprived of sympathy from her in his early years??) He wants to be a martyr. He feeds on the negative attention. This is his dance with my mother. "I fall. You rescue."

And I think this will be his life until the day, *IF* the day ever comes, when he faces his past and his demons.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Making a connection

Over the summer, I met a seemingly very cool man on the internet. Nickname: Mr. Cali. We started talking on the phone and I was really into him. He was intelligent, compassionate, hilarious as all get out. We got along like peas in a pod at first. We live on opposite coasts of the US. We were making plans for a visit when I saw his childish temper for the first time. It was a huge red flag. He made amends, apologized for his behavior and we continued talking and making tentative plans to get together in person. I was still in "caution" mode. And then his childish temper reared it's head a second time. And I put an end to that. I could have overlooked a one time or occassional flare up but he quickly demonstrated a bad pattern to me and I knew it was not a healthy place for me to be. After we stopped talking, he left me a few messages that were a little creepy. I know I made the right call.

I want to be in a relationship again. Or so I keep telling myself. I am starting to think that the real truth is that I want to WANT to be in a relationship. But I'm not so sure I really do want it. Or I feel like I need to find a relationship now before I get too "old". After all, the big 4-0 is only a year away. But I don' t put any effort into finding someone. And whenever I do meet someone, I find a reason they are wrong for me. And I think I'm attracting the wrong guys because I'm putting out this half-assed, who-cares energy instead of positive energy.

I've been thinking about Mr. Cali alot lately. I miss our conversations. As I reluctantly peer out into the dating world and see a swamp full of mediocre frogs.....I miss the guy who, for a moment, seemed like a possible prince. And I know he's not that person. I've seen who he is. So why do I miss him? I actually wrote an email to him and then cancelled it just before sending. I was about to ask him if we could possibly be just friends without expectation of anything more. I would like to have his friendship without having to worry about the less pleasant sides of his personality. But I know I'm just asking for trouble if I do that. I'm inviting him to fall for me again. I'm inviting myself to romanticize the reality with him. I'm inviting a "drama" situation that I will inevitably need to extricate myself from. And then I realized what I'm doing. I'm trying to create a pseudo-relationship. A man 3000 miles away who I know still carries feelings for me. Someone I can be "virtually" open with yet not actually risk any real vulnerability, hurt or loss. I'm trying to recruit an imaginary boyfriend, almost. Some of the reward, none of the risk. This is my most favorite and comfortable type of relationship. Where I can control the situation and keep him at an arms length, always carrying the option of dropping the axe on it without a moment's regret and no upheaval to my life. This definitely tells me I feel there is something lacking. But now I need to find the healthy avenue to fulfill what I need.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Do I deserve it?

I had counseling this morning. I was very relaxed when I went but my mind was circling three different subjects. All of which have been on my blog. 1. My homework from last session. 2. The observations of my mother. 3. How I reacted to DD writing she loved her daddy. So when I got there, I really couldn't get started. I had to do another breathing exercise just to hone in on a topic. The "Sad" DD topic is freshest in my mind. T homework is always a priority. But in the end, I needed to focus on my mother and the incident with her being over here for dinner. The way she was in her own world while here.

I left my session notes in the car and it's too cold and snowy out to go get them. I told T about the comment from my mother when she said how she can't stand to hear stories about children being exposed to abusive conversation and victims of neglect. I told T how I handled it by staying silent, but present. She said that was a great start. We discussed what the "right" thing for me to say would be. It was something along the lines of "I find it very difficult to listen you to say things like that without reflecting on my own experiences." There was more to it...something about how the way she acted with me doesn't line up with the words she speaks now. I told T I wasn't prepared to say that just yet. I also told her, and will admit here, that I'm beginning to bounce around the idea of bringing in mom for a joint session with T. It's really just barely a simmer on the back burner right now. But it's there.

Next we talked about the crazy behavior with my mother playing with all of DD's toys and basically trying to coerce her back into playing when DD had very clearly expressed a desire for space and privacy. T told me that, better than a joint session, moments such as these present me with an incredibly opportunity to open a dialog and perhaps have some very meaningful conversations with my mother. That if I ask my mother in as gentle a tone as possible what she is doing at times like that, then maybe I can start to understand where she's coming from. Like when playing with all the toys....Mom, what are you doing right now? What are you trying to accomplish? What cues did you pick up from DD that say she wants to be pursued right now? Stuff like that. I'm certain my mother is in her own world when she does that. I theorized that perhaps, because my mother is so clearly uncomfortable with solitude, she feels like she needs to rescue anyone else who is alone, failing to recognize that some people need to be alone at times.

T asked me if my mother was like this with me when I was young. I said I could not remember at the age my DD is now but I do know as I got was a passive type of pursuit. It was coaxing, coersion, bribery. It was like leading an animal to a trap with bait. She'd leave a twinkie outside my door and knock then leave. So I'd come get it. And then there would be dinner cooking, or I'd want another. And then I'd go to the kitchen. And there she would be. It was a subtle and frankly cowardly way to approach me.

I was talking to T about the letters from my mother as well. I believe they started at pre-teen years for me. It led me into talking about a recent post I read I believe on Rising Rainbow's blog about psychological abuse, the parentalizing of a child. And I see even more clearly now how my mother did this to me. The letters she used to leave for me were for her only. They were downright selfish on her part. Pouring out her soul to me. I was a child, for God's sake. I wasn't ready to hear all her crap so that I had to empathize with her instead of be angry. I was groomed to protect her and take care of her. She had no right to lean on me the way she did; teling me about her past and her marriage. Looking to me for advice about getting a divorce. It was so wrong and I didn't know it for so long. No wonder I felt so "grown up" before I was. Certainly if my counsel is being sought in such weighty issues, I'm an ADULT!

On a side but similar note, we were talking about parents who project adult qualities onto their children and look to them to fill a role. I mentioned that I found it noteworthy that, not only did this happen to me but, my two most significant relationships were each with men who had been in that position at the hands of their mothers. Just an interesting tidbit for me to tuck under my cap.

It's really pretty cool to be present in my life so much of the time now. It's cool to be able to see things and connect things. T said she was recently taking a walk on the beach with her dogs and it was a misty, foggy morning. She said at first it was really cool...comforting, mysterious and a certain peace to it. But then it starts to feel isolating and you wonder what is beyond the fog. Then once the fog lifts, you want to stay in the sunshine and be able to see what is out there. And such is therapy. sum it up, and to finally tie the title of this blog into all the rambling: I began to once again get angry at the thoughts of having to put so much effort into drawing my mother into reality and having to work so hard to build a more real relationship with her. And it pisses me off that SHE will reap a benefit from my hard work after she contributed to all the nightmare situations that screwed me up from the start!!! Does she deserve that gift?? But then I thought....Do *I* deserve it? I need to quit lamenting the benefit to her and do it for what helps me on the road to recovery. You know, there is actually a fairly high level of fear going into this. I like to complain that my mother is not who I want her to be yet I have a built in interest in maintaining the status quo. Change is scary. Change means making myself vulnerable, opening up to hurt and failure. It's really frightening and I'm not sure I want to do it. I mean, I do. But I don't. You know what I mean.

I'm exhausted and not even sure I'm thinking coherently. I wonder if I will read this back tomorrow and it will make no sense at all. Because I don't even have the energy to proofread now!!

Thursday, February 7, 2008


I am feeling so sad right now. I dropped DD off this morning at daycare and she pointed out a wall of Valentine hearts that all the kids made. These are some of my favorite projects. The teachers ask the kids a question and then write their answers on the project. So the question was obviously "who do you love?" I found DD's heart and it said "I love my mommy and my daddy" I've been crying since I saw it. She has never met her bio-father by his choice. I dated someone else from the time she was 2 months old and we were together for over 2 year. He became her daddy by choice and then just bailed on us. I can't believe she hasn't seen XBF in a year and she still talks about him and misses him. I feel like I'm depriving her of something so huge by not having a father in her life. I know I'm a good Mom and all.....but I still feel like she's missing something she needs. If it didn't matter to her, she would not still be thinking about him.

Maybe it triggers my father issues also. And I'm probably putting a certain amount of adult logic on this. And maybe she only said it because most of her classmates were saying it too. But punched me in the gut when I saw it and I had to jet out of there before she saw me break down. One of the teachers saw me and she knew what I was upset about and then SHE started crying too!! She's so sweet. This is just such a huge issue for me. Immediately, I thought I need to pull myself together and start dating so I can find her a daddy!! I know that's not the answer. I guess I just want sooooo deeply for DD to have everything that I did not. And that "everything" includes having a loving Dad. She's already got the Mom who is a thousand times more on-the-ball than the one I had/have! And I know that counts for alot; I do. But it's not everything. And I know she may well be just fine being raised by a single Mom. But I know her life would be enriched by a good father or father figure and she just doesn't have one. It breaks my heart.

ps - DD is popular with the boys in class. They all chase her. Of course, she has a crush on the only one who doesn't chase her! I had to laugh (and feel a little bad for the Mom) when I saw what DD's "crush" had written on his heart. It said "I love Daddy and (DD's name)" Too cute!!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Weekend & Email

Let's start with the fun stuff.
Weekend: My DD and I had a super fun weekend! Decided to take off Saturday morning and head up to New Hampshire. It's not like me to be so impetuous. Couple little stops along the drive and we made our way up to Portsmouth where there is a fantastic children's museum. We got there around 1:00 and stayed til about 4:30. She had so much fun. We go there every year when we vacation in NH. I read they are moving this summer to a bigger location. Can't wait. We left there and drove right over the bridge to Kittery, Maine. Stayed in a super cute hotel. DD had a blast jumping on the beds (a vacation treat I indulge her in) and eating mini gummie frogs. There was a candy store directly next door to the hotel with 10,000 pounds of candy on display. I am not exaggerating!! It's right on their sign. 10,000 pounds. Can you imagine? There was a minor tantrum as I had a tough time finding a pasta place in a New England lobster town....but all worked out.

We got up leisurely on Sunday morning and had continental breakfast at the hotel. There was a woman in the lobby with her son, who was 7, and she and I just started chatting. She was admiring my DD who is biracial, as was her son, and we started talking about their hair because African-American hair has different care needs. It led into talking about their fathers and we found we had similar stories as far as being basically abandoned by our kids fathers. She was a sweetheart and it was a nice conversation. Anyway...after that, DD and I went to Starbucks and then let the shopping begin! I think I will make a mental note that Superbowl weekend is a great time for outlet shopping! It was so quiet. Unless it's only because New England was playing. But I got some amazing deals. With any luck, DD won't have another growth spurt like she did last year (sprouted 8 inches in 9 months, thank you very much.....) and I have almost a full wardrobe for next fall/winter. If she does grow right past the size I bought, it will make a nice profit on Ebay. So it's a win/win! We had lunch. I treated myself to a new perfume because I haven't bought any since May of 2003 when I was in Vegas!! Made another Starbucks run and hit the road home. It was really nice and I think I might make that an annual trip!

Okay here is the other subject.
Email: My mother forwarded me an email joke from my brother. I don't even know what it was because it was a video and I didn't feel like watching it. I guess it bothers me that her relationship with one of my abusers is so front and center under my nose sometimes. I know she talks to him and sees him. I don't expect her to know what will and won't trigger me because sometimes I ask about him so, in doing so, I "tell" her it's an acceptable subject. The biggest thing that came out of the email was that my brother had sent it to my father and my father's email address was in the forwarded email. I didn't have my father's email address and looking at it made my stomach drop down into my toes. I started over-thinking it.....was this a sign that I need to contact him? Whatever it does or doesn't mean, I saved it to my address book. Just in case. I feel big things brewing with my tackling father issues in the near future. So you never know.

I'm Quirky

I was tagged by Enola

The rules: Post these rules on your blog and links where appropriate. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. Tag six random people and let them know they've been tagged.

1. I combine 2 different sets of silverware that are very similar (as in probably no one else would even notice when the pieces are mixed) because I'm crazy particular about the size, shape and weight of each piece. My forks must have long tines. My knives must be heavy. My spoons need a particular shape. So when I set the table, I need the fork and small spoon from one set, the knife and large spoon from the other set.

2. When I set the volume on my TV or CD player/radio, it has to either be an even number or a multiple of 5. ie: 20, 22, 24, 25, 26, 28 are all fine. 21, 23, 27 and 29 are no good.

3. I can't read my email until I clean out my bulk and spam folders. Once I see those are empty, then I can proceed to my inbox. Once in my inbox, I will first delete emails that I don't need to read, then proceed to emails I'm less interested in and will save the emails I most want to read for last.

4. I cannot function without lists. I've even been known to make a list of the lists I need to make. I make them everywhere and on everything. From the back of grocery receipt while I'm in the car, in Word at the office or ripping out a subscription card in a Dr's office waiting room and writing one there! I'm forever listing, listing, listing. And often, when I'm listing, I will start with related things that I've already completed just so I can cross it off right away!!

5. I'm a word lover. I really love writing and language and using less common words when I do write. I have open most of the time to check words or to use the thesaurus. If you watched me while writing, you would often see me stop typing and close my eyes with a somewhat puzzled face while I go through a repetition of touching each finger sequentially to my thumb, doing both hands at the same time. This means I'm searching for a particular word. I get a little giddy when I find the perfect word (and SUPER frustrated when I can't!!).

6. I'm wildly addicted to a stupid and brainless computer game called BeJeweled. I have been known to play it for hours on end, when I can't sleep, until my eyes get squirrely and I can still see the game when I close my eyes.

Sunday, February 3, 2008


I've been SO looking forward to starting the father seminar on tape that my T gave to me. I've not really had time but tonight I decided I needed to make a little time to get started.'s not the seminar she meant to give me. She said it should be one called "Healing the Father Wound" but it's actually another one called "Where Are You Father" and I'm missing tape #1. It starts on tape #2. Grrrr! I really wanted to work on this this week! Well, naturally because I'm so ever-lovin impatient, I decided to listen to a little bit of it.

Here's what I got so far. He talked about how children are intrinsically egocentric and any type of abuse or abandonment is taken completely personally by a child, feeling like it's their own fault, that they are unlovable or somehow deserving of the pain they are subjected to. He suggested writing a letter with your non-dominant hand to your father basically detailing "You hurt me when......, I was angry when...., etc." (I'm not ready to do this, BTW!) Be in touch with hurt & pain and be sure to get validation back for it from a safe person. Don't analyze or intellectualize his behavior because it takes you out of your feelings. This is a huge issue for me.....I intellectualize the abuse of every family member of mine. I empathize with how they ended up the way they did and what caused them to act out on me. When I do that, I cannot reach my anger.

And then the speaker played this song before moving into a part about Inner Child work. This song sucked. Sucked as in: punched me in the gut and made me cry sucked. I haven't gone any further on the tape....plenty for one night, thanks.

Richard Wagner - Remember the Child
(This might be confusing to supposed to be like the alphabet "A-B-C" but the "C" is then part of the lyric, as in the word "see". You'll figure it out, LOL)

ABC me crying, Mama make me smile
Rock me in your arms a little while
ABC me crying, Won't you love your child?

EFG I'm sorry, Daddy take my hand
Tell me what I've done so bad
EFG I wonder why are you you so mad?
Don't you love me, Dad?

Cross my heart I swear Mom I won't cry no more
I'll just lay in silence down here on the floor
Cross my heart and hope to die if you don't want me anymore

123 for you Mom I won't talk so loud
I won't laugh so hard, I'll shut my mouth
123 for you Mom I won't make a sound

Doe-Ray-Mean and angry words
Heard through my bedroom walls loud and clear
Doe-Ray-Me I lie awake and shake with fear
And wish I had no ears

Try to remember the child that once was you
Did you hide in the darkest corner of your lonely room
And pray to God to help you through the long and lonely night
Afraid to holler Mama, oh please come hold me tight

Go on and close your eyes, Mom
Take a little trip through time, Dad
Let it all come back to you
And give unto every child the love, the love denied to you
And remember the child will remember...
And remember the child will remember....his whole lifetime too.