~Perfect~

Girl Put Your Records On.....

2011-10-11T15:05:00.003-04:00

Or, more to the point, take the record off. Smash that stupid thing on the ground.

So I've been dating.

Well, at least I've been *trying* to date. I joined a dating site about 3 months ago. It's been pretty pathetic, really. Imagine my surprise when about a month ago, I randomly met a guy out of the blue at a fall festival and we hit it off. We've been talking and have gone out three times now.

Last week, as I struggled with some feelings about this man, I realized (and it kills me to admit this) I have no problems with being wanted/desired, objectified even. I'm frighteningly comfortable there. Yet still I feel completely undeserving of love.

On date #2, we did a lot of kissing and flirting and I left there feeling like oh great, now I "have" to finish what I started. Like I owe him now. Because naturally this must be all he wants from me. I know I don't owe him, BTW....it's just the old messages inside of me. There is a sense of dread that I "have" to go through with it. Yet at the same time that there is a sense of relief that says "phew, you can just sleep with him....you know how to do that. Don't think about it...just do what he wants." What I don't know is how to evaluate if he (or anyone) is actually a good person for me, if I want them on a deeper level, if they deserve me. And I really don't know what to do with the feelings of liking him and the fear of rejection. Which naturally would just reinforce the whole "you're not lovable" mantra that lives at my very core.

It's that old record....this is all you are good for. This is your worth. You are an object to be used at the discretion and the will of others. You don't deserve love. If you did, your father would have given it to you. Your brother would have been taught to respect you. You have no right to anything good, whole and pure. This brand of happiness is not in the cards for you, kid.

It doesn't help that I have ZERO idea what is "normal." Sex is such dangerous territory for me. I get lost in it. It's too familiar and way too easy to detach from. Or maybe I should say it's almost necessary to detach from because just forbid I allow myself to be vested in it and suffer the shame and disappointment. I know how to navigate *just sex* but I don't know how to command a man's respect and to feel confident in the knowledge that I deserve to be wanted on every level. I don't feel worth waiting for. I feel like the only thing I have of value is sexual. I feel worthy of being screwed, abused & dumped. I don't even feel like a guy would want to spend money on me to take me out. Like I had better offer to pay or else we'll never go anywhere because certainly he's not going to waste his money on me.

I can't separate what is "normal" feelings of attraction and excitement vs what is me just wanting to run to the familiar and not have to think along a different route that, frankly, is totally counter intuitive for me. I can't ever count myself among "normal" people when it comes to sex because sex has absolutely NO normal context in the whole of my life. Will it ever make sense?

STUPID

2011-09-08T20:27:00.007-04:00

I'm having a rough week. There are many different things going on that have led me here but the one really weighing on me right now is my daughter. Or as I now realize....it's actually me. Inner child me and my biggest fears about myself.

Bianca has some challenges with learning. She has a neurotransmitter imbalance which causes ADD like symptoms. It's incredibly frustrating for both of us. I'm going to admit something horrible here for the sake of being honest and for helping myself process what it is I'm feeling.

Lately, I want nothing more than to slap her across the face and tell her she is lazy and stupid.

Of course, I have not and I will not. But I give in to my frustrations and I envision it in my head. I am a horrible person for even letting that cross my mind and the guilt is eating me alive. It was not until the other day that I realized I'm not talking to her in those instances. I'm talking to me. Exactly the way my father talked to me. And guess what? My father felt those things about himself, too...but he gave in to putting it all on me. And I grew up feeling stupid and lazy. And still, to this day, despite all evidence to the contrary, I still feel stupid and lazy. If I am not multi-tasking, accomplishing everything perfectly, making all the right choices, having all the right answers then clearly what he told me is true. And now I'm passing it on to my daughter. Because I'm starting to think that some, if not all, of her issue is what she is picking up from me. She asks me the stupidest questions and I can feel myself look at her with disgust. And I mean stupid. Like she will ask me where something is when it's right in front of her, where it always is. And I can tell she is kidding/pretending. But she will defend her mock confusion with arguments & tears if need be. I tell her I know you are smarter than that, it's not cute to pretend you're not smart. But the way I feel when I answer her, mentally slapping and calling her stupid....I mean, she's....well, she's not stupid! Kids are incredibly perceptive. I'm just starting to think that she is creating a self fulfilling prophecy or she's drawing in my negative attention. It could be that she is picking up on the feeling that she will never be good enough to please me so she just isnt' going to try. I don't feel that way about her....but I feel that way about ME and the lines are just so horrifically blurred for me right now.

I feel like I'm setting her up for major failure here. I am disappointed that she is not excelling in school. I am ashamed of her for not being super smart, loving school and excelling at it. I am envious of other parents of kids who are doing better. I am exhausted by the extra effort required for the most basic of tasks. I want to tell her she'd better make sure she stays skinny because she's going to have to count on her looks. So in one swoop, I'll be sure to degrade her intelligence and set her up with an eating disorder. What a stellar mom I am. Truly I do not deserve her. I am highly resentful of the energy and time I have to spend trying to figure out what her problem is. And it turns out the problem could very well be me. Like I needed to be more disgusted with myself right now.

I am falling apart at the seams right now. I have so many issues with her, school, medical and otherwise and I feel like I need a partner to bounce all this off. But I have no one. I am alone in this and I'm terrified to make a wrong, ie: stupid, decision.

I feel like I am failing in every single aspect of my life at this moment.

The fact is I do believe I'm stupid at my core. And I've found ways to compensate for that. In fact, I've worked extremely hard to put on what I feel is a facade of success and intelligence. In my head, I know that I'm smart. But my heart so believes my father. And I'm still letting him control me. And why do I do that? I must be stupid.

My Fault

2011-06-21T14:00:00.003-04:00

I am super confused right now. I have a male friend. We worked together in the past from 1997-2004. I have adored him for years (in a purely platonic way). We have stayed friends since. We regularly correspond and meet for lunch about once a month.

Last time we went out to lunch, he made some suggestive comments about how good I was looking and that we should ditch lunch and head to a hotel. I laughed it off. He often expresses sexual frustration in his marriage. As a friend, I let him vent and I have no problem with listening to him talk. (Keep in mind, he was a good friend to me when I got divorced and subsequently went on a dating/sex bender of epic proportion and I did share with him limited details of my escapades)

Recently there was a negative turn of events at the company he works for and he's seeking new employment. I suggested he talk to my boss about coming to work here. They have met several times now and are at the point where they are negotiating an offer. So his coming to work here is looking promising.

Last week, I got a text from him. He asked me about the cell phone plan here at our office and I replied and then he said:
"Hope we will be together soon. Any dating going on with you?"

Me: I have dipped my toe back in the dating waters...I'll fill you in later.

Him: Ok, always like the sexy details things are slow here so I like hearing things. Gives me things to think about for later. very lonely. text me details"

Me: It's not those kind of details...there has been none of that and will not be anytime soon.

Him: Well maybe we need to fix that for both of us. not sure how to make it happen. I know it is awkward but it is always on my mind.

Me: I don't need fixing, I'm all set.

Him: [Wife] is working...what to do all alone?

Me: How's her new job going?

Him: Sorry but really horny, sorry to embarass you but need something

Me: I totally understand. I'm not embarassed, I just love our friendship too much to go there.

Him: I hear you but I definitely think about it. About you.

OK, so....you see what I do there? I dance around and at the end, I am taking care of his feelings despite the fact that in my living room I'm screaming at my phone "Nooooooo!!!! Don't do this!!! Don't say this shit to me!!! Don't put me in this position!!"

So now I'm at the point where I could still go to my boss and tell him not to make this deal happen and I'm totally on the fence. The thing is I am accustomed to men talking to me in disrespectful ways and I'm not sure it appalls me anywhere near as much as it should. I am empathizing with him, I am taking care of his feelings. And I'm excusing the behavior and quite honestly, I have ZERO idea how I really feel about it.

I think if he worked here it would be fine. But I'm not sure. And I just want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he will behave himself and that was a momentary lapse in judgment sending me those texts. But he was suggestive at our lunch and he has been flirtatious in our correspondence since then. I think if I put him firmly in his place with this topic that he would respect me and so naturally, I am 5 years old again and I think this is my fault....I'm not speaking up, I'm not saying no. I'm leading him on by not being definitive with my words and by being all understanding. So if he puts his hands on me, it will be my fault.

I worry that if I say what I need to say, he will not be my friend anymore and I know....I get that #1 I don't need friends like that and #2 if he were to get mad at me for that then he was not being a real friend and all that. But then I worry about causing problems at work if he does come to work here. I can't end up unhappy in this job that I've come to really love. And so, I don't know what to do. Or how to do what I know I need to do.

The 50 Cent Tour

2011-06-18T21:58:00.003-04:00

What would you do if the President of the United States personally called you on the phone and invited you to come and see the White House? You'd be pretty excited, right? Feel pretty important that he, himself called to request your presence? Get all primped and prepped, looking your best for your introduction? Now what if, when you arrived at the White House, you learned you were simply being thrown in on the 50 cent tour with every other DC tourist? And, you still had to pay your own admission.

I have my issues with God. They are plentiful. I'm not going to claim they are logical. And I will not say they really have anything to do with Him, per se.

My father is essentially an athiest. Non-declared, as far as I know but made his position pretty clear. My mother threw herself into the church when I was a child. I think she felt it was her only hope to save her marriage and perhaps her sanity. She dragged me along for the ride.

Some pretty un-God-ly things have happened in my life and I get that "into each life a little rain must fall." I get that "that which does not kill us makes us stronger." I don't really ask why events of my life occurred the way they did. I accept that it all happened for a purpose. I'm still not entirely clear what it is....but so be it.

In my late teens/early 20's, I was a hot mess. I hadn't faced my abusive past. I was running around, drinking, partying, promiscuous, irresponsible and flat out putting myself in grave danger. There was a Sunday morning that I woke up and knew, without shadow of doubt, that God was speaking to me. I realized I was on a destructive path and I was compelled to get myself to church that very morning and turn my life around. That was the presidential invitation to the White House. And the 50 cent tour followed. I don't understand how I felt so called only to then feel so lost immediately thereafter. What was the point? Why call me here and then throw me into the crowd on my own?

I can intellectualize my God issues. I mean, first and foremost, he's a Father. THE Father, for heaven's sake. I shy away from fathers in my life as best I can. Experience has been a harsh teacher.

Secondly, and this is an odd one to verbalize because I believe in God but, what if it's all crap? I mean...where did the bible really come from? Who really interpreted it? How do we know if everything that is being taught is really what was intended? There are many faiths throughout the world and they all believe theirs is the only truth. So how do I know I'm onto the right one? At the end of the day, in church, it's regular people delivering the message in their own words. How do we know they are the right and true words?

Third, there is this whole trust and vulnerability business. Trust God. Really? Trust an entity that, yes I believe in but, I cannot see or experience in any tangible way. Give Him my worries? That is crazy talk. I cling to my worries. Why give them over to something I am so unsure about? Give up control?? Agh. I mean, just shoot me now if you're going to ask me to do that. Can't we CO-control, God? Baby steps for this retentive freak?? A little teamwork, Sir? I am afraid to even talk to Him because I question the validity of the whole situation. I am hesitant to put it in black and white but I don't want to put my energy and faith into something that turns out to be false. And again, I stress that I do believe in God but I just am not sure in what capacity.

We've started going to a new church because I want to face and explore these issues. It's the perfect place for me because it's not a nicey-nice, low key, pleasant, hear the short generic sermon & then run out to Sunday brunch type of church. This is a community of faith and fellowship. It's a pastor who is passionate and not afraid to challenge his parishoners. We've been there twice and I've been moved to tears both times. I've felt the discomfort of having my walls rumbled. I've looked on at people openly, unabashedly expressing their faith while I sit, legs crossed, arms crossed, tightly protected.

I am not certain if I feel that God's promises don't really exist or just don't exist for me. I am not sure I feel worthy of love, forgiveness, answered prayer. I don't pray. I am very closed off to it. Every time I do it, I feel like I'm speaking to no one and being a ridiculous fool.

I feel this is the right time and right place for me to be but I've felt that before and been left with more questions than answers. I hope that I am able to open up and start to see things in a different light.

Dear Bio-Father,

2011-06-16T14:09:00.002-04:00

I know what I need to do with Bianca's bio-father.

And I'm gearing up to do it. In the meantime, I'm feeling like there are things I want to say to him in order to terminate this correspondence we have going. But they are things he doesn't deserve to know about me. So I will write them here in hopes that it will help to strengthen me to take the next step with him.

Dear A.,

I have to admit that I never anticipated my quick IM to you would turn into a conversation. In fact, I was 99% certain you would immediately block me from seeing you online ever again, possibly even change your username so I could not track you down. The remaining 1% just thought you would not respond at all. I spent the first two hours of our conversation with absolute knots and butterflies in my stomach. Wanting to tell you things, wanting to know things, thrilled that you were finally showing interest in your daughter.

You asked if I hated you and I told you I don't. Do I? No, hate is a useless, soul-sucking emotion that I have no use for. But A, I'm pissed at you. When my mind cleared later, I began to recount our past. You lied to me from day one about who you were, what your life was all about and what you wanted from me. You played me. I was fresh out of a divorce, newly into the dating world and naive as hell. I was open, honest, vulnerable and trusting. I shared with you unabashedly from my heart. You fully took advantage of those qualities in me. We spoke every day for 8 months and at the end of it, I had no idea who you really were. The man I was so enamored with, who I dared to imagine a future with, was a total farce. I always marveled how you were so consistently charming and never failed to have the exact right thing to say at the right time. Too good to be true. Indeed.

I'm going to take responsibility for my part in this. I had blinders on. I never questioned red flag items that would now make me run for the hills. But I wanted to believe you. I needed to believe you. And so, I chose to believe you. And you played me. Yet, at the end of it, I have my beautiful baby and I won't ever regret that. But I do sometimes regret that she has no father in her life. And I guess that is why I got so caught up in talking to you again so quickly. I thought maybe there was a glimmer than I could fill that void in her life.

Not that long into talking, you began to introduce some innuendo of a flirtatous nature. At first I thought I was misreading it. I mean, it's not possible you could be so stupid and brazen, right? Haven't we been down this road? You cannot possibly think I'd go down it again, can you? But you persisted and left no doubt in my mind....you are hitting on me. I am still, days later, shaking my head in disbelief. Since when does "I don't hate you" translate into "I think I'd like to sleep with you again after you totally tore my life apart"?? It just solidifies the sentiment that "the more things change, the more they stay the same." You are the same selfish, cocky, thoughtless, sorry excuse of a man that you were 7 years ago. I, on the other hand, am NOT the pathetic, trusting, foolish, naive girl that I was 7 years ago. Thank you for that because you are a big reason I am no longer that girl.

I struggle with shutting the door because I want to give you credit for being a better man than you are. I hold this tiny glimmer of belief that if I say just the right thing in just the right way at just the right time, it will penetrate that thick skull of yours and you will have an epiphany. Actually, I should not be aiming for your skull since your brain is clearly below your belt, LOL. In any case....I am afraid to let go of that tiny flicker that you will change into the man you should and could be if you'd just see things in a different light. I accept that this is faulty thinking on my part and there is no way in hell you will ever be more than who are now, who you have been for the 8 years I've known you and who you will likely always be. I release that hope and I release you. I do not need you. Bianca does not need you.

Kim

***

Why at the end of writing all these things I fully feel and believe am I still in nervous knots about deleting him from my contacts? Why do I still want to hit his name on IM right now and have a conversation with him? Dear God, what is wrong with me?????????

What The Hell Am I Doing?

2011-06-13T14:47:00.009-04:00

You know, sometimes the task of unloading everything on my mind is so daunting, I just stare at the blank screen with absolutely no idea how it's all going to get from there to here. One word, one letter at a time seems insurmountable. This is when I really want to kick myself for not keeping up with regularly writing.

I have so much to do at work today yet I can't focus on anything except the need to write and figure out what I am doing.

I was supposed to go to court this week for child support because Bianca's bio-father stopped paying for several months. Shortly after I got the notice of hearing, he started paying again. Last week, I called the court to find out if that meant that the hearing was cancelled. They do not cancel the hearing for that reason but after talking with the clerk, she said if I wanted her to, she would go ahead and cancel it. Believe me, I do not want to travel (2 states away) to court if it's not completely necessary so yes, I wanted it cancelled. She called me back later to find out if I could let bio-father know because she was unable to get in touch with him. I told her we do not talk so she said she would send him a letter but was unsure if it would get to him before the court date.

Shortly thereafter, I was in my email. I keep his contact information in there just in case there is ever an emergency in which I need to contact him. So what do you know....he was online at that moment. Feeling a surge of nice-ness, I decided to IM him and let him know. I just said something like "hey, wanted to let you know that court was cancelled. they were not able to reach you and asked me to let you know. here's the contact info so you can verify with the clerk" At this point, I *fully* anticipated he would go offline and block me forever. Instead, he IMed back with a thank you. Then a minute later IMed and said "I don't suppose I can be so bold as to just say hello and ask how you are?" Man, talk about butterflies in your stomach..... I haven't spoken to this man in any sort of civil manner in 7 years. Now he wants to know how I am? He asked about Bianca. He asked for a picture of her. He told me he thinks about her all the time.

I can imagine from the outside, this all looks very cut and dry. He has no business, right? He made his decision, right? But I'm not on the outside and what is happening is testing me at every turn. I should maybe hate him but I don't. I hate the position he put me in. I hate that he deceived me and played me. I hate that I cared for him a great deal. On the other hand, he gave me the greatest blessing of my life. We created a life together and whether I want it or not, I am tied to him forever through her.

Now I've entered this slippery slope of chatting with him. I have no doubt I am being foolish. I want things from him that he cannot give me. I want honesty from him and I don't know that he's capable of that. Even if he is being honest....I still don't trust him. What does he want from me right now? And what do I want? And what is the point of all this? Because really, there is no reason for us to be talking. He is not prepared to be in her life in a meaningful way and I won't allow anything less. When I talk to him, I want to do one of two things. I want to spill my guts about the last 7 years. But I want him to do the same and he won't because well #1 - he's a guy and not all about gushing his feelings and thoughts about the past. I think he has ulterior motives. Oh let's call a spade a spade....I am sure he has motives. Because at the end of our first conversation, he was trying to turn the conversation in an R-rated direction. I didn't let it go that way but I'll tell you.....it's hard not to. I mentioned that I want to do one of two things when I talk to him. Flirt is #2. I guess it's familiar and it deflects all these intense emotions and the confusion I'm feeling. I refuse to go there because there is just no point. I mean honestly.....did I not learn the first time around? I did, right? So then WHY am I still talking to him? Because I want him to be something he is not. I want him to appreciate and cherish the life we created together. I want him to be her father. He is her sperm donor, basically. And I was cool with that for a long time and now he's here and he's throwing me for a loop. And I know the smartest thing for me to do is to shut this door and walk away and stop talking to him but I don't want to. Why don't I want to???

I left this post there last night and today I'm back. I spent some time sorting through some feelings and I just see how this is triggering my most vulnerable topic which is my own father issues. I desperately wanted my father to be someone he was not. It took me a long, long time to make peace with the truth. And this is like round 2 of daddy issues. Just like my own father, Bianca's father is not capable of being the man she needs in her life. I hate that. And just like with my own father, I am reluctant to close the door because I foolishly, erroneously think that if I can say or do *just* the right thing that it will magically strike just the right nerve and transform him into the man he should be. Bullshit.

I feel in a quandary right now. I *should* walk away. I am plagued by moronic what-if's. What if I close the door on this and I never hear from him again? What if this could be something and I cut it off right now before giving it a chance? What if he's changed? The answers are, unequivocably, 1: so what, 2: you should and 3: he hasn't. And I KNOW this without question.

Today I stayed off chat so I would not have a chance to talk to him. Of course, a few minutes ago I signed into my email and up popped an offline message he sent me last night. And I'm struggling to keep my distance. My heart wants something that my brain knows will never happen. There is a paralyzing fear in me of closing the door even though I know with absolute certainty that it's the right thing to do. Why is it SO damn hard to do the right thing sometimes?

Failure

2011-04-13T13:16:00.004-04:00

"A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it. "

~Alexander Dumas

Well, my five seconds of being a perky cheerleader are clearly over. I am bearing arms against myself now, apparently.

And I hate, hate, hate how it all just flips on a dime and it's all based on this stupid diet. The diet is the catalyst but then, in my head, it snowballs into everything in my life. I can't lose anymore weight so I will be stuck here and I am a bad example to my daughter and a horrible mother and she will be ashamed of me and I'll die early and leave her all alone but before that happens people will judge me and hate me and no one will ever love me again and I'm dumb and stupid and bad at my job and don't make enough money and I'm a rotten horrible person with no right to live. Not that I get carried away or anything.

So I'd lost about 40 pounds. And then I was stuck for two weeks and I was super frustrated. But then I lost 3 1/2 pounds in a week and that was the I-love-life-everything-is-awesome-and-sunshine-and-rainbow-unicorns post. And then I stayed even for a week, no biggie b/c I figured I was adjusting. Which resulted in the okay-I'll-keep-trying-to-stay-positive post. And then, without doing anything different, I *gained* 4 pounds the next week. What?? How could it be? That was two weeks ago and I've really not moved since then. Well, at last check I was down 1 of the 4 pounds and I've been too depressed to get back on the scale.

Okay. Things I know....the scale is not 100% of the story. There are things like measurements and transitioning fat to muscle and just plain doing the right thing for my overall health. I get it. Another thing I know is that something is going on with my body. I think my hormones are in a major uproar from the recent weight loss. I suspect this is behind the plateau. It doesn't matter. Because, for me, the scale is 100% the measure of success. And when it's not moving, or worse, moving in the wrong direction, there is only one answer. I.AM.A.TOTAL.FAILURE.

I have a degree of BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). In a nutshell, this means that what I see in the mirror at any given moment is a reflection of how I'm feeling about myself, not of my true physical form. A couple weeks ago, I looked in the mirror and I saw a beautiful, curvaceous, sassy woman smiling back at me. Now I see this hideous, fat, frumpy, inexcusable failure glaring back with utter disdain. Every.Day. And I hate that chick.

I hate myself every minute of every day and remind myself of it repeatedly. Never endingly.

And it makes me want to binge in the worst way. Except so many people have been watching my success and I think I would about die of shame if they now saw my failure. So, essentially, I feel like I am letting all these people down and, naturally, I feel like they are judging me because I'm no longer succeeding. I hate that the results of my endeavor are so visible...that I could not keep it secret if I tried. Because I'm living in fear, paranoia, guilt, shame, disgust. I feel stuck. Trapped. I hate myself, I hate every morsel of food I put into my body. I hate feeling hungry and I hate feeling not hungry. I agonize over every calorie, every bite, every decision, every urge, every thought. Every minute. Of every day.

Yes, it takes a lot of work to be this kind of a failure.

Would You Like Fries With That?

2011-03-28T16:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I was all happy-happy high on life when I wrote that last post. I've said that I won't be afraid to be honest when I write now. But I've got a confession to make. I was afraid to publish that feel-good post. Afraid that by declaring my happiness, the universe would surely strike me down with immediate and epic misery.

So, on Friday, I had a crappy day at work. I had to do a software upgrade which requires all employees be out of the system for a period of time. I will spare you all the boring details but absolutely nothing about it went as planned and what was supposed to be a 20 minute process took me 6 1/2 hours. During which time, everyone was "shooting the messenger" (me) and basically not following my instructions which caused extra delays. I had a personal errand I needed to run during the day to prepare for weekend plans and I was not able to do that. I was grumpy. And I was struggling with keeping it all in perspective. And, I can admit, I was being a martyr about it. I could not let it go. I allowed it to ruin my night.

I went to therapy on Saturday. First time in a month. I was telling my T all about how good I'm doing and how happy I'm feeling. I was telling her about my weight loss and how I have all this energy and blah blah. And then I talked about Friday and my crappy day. And I talked about the father & family thoughts that were plaguing me earlier in the month. She goes "Look, you just went out and binged on emotional fast food!" She pointed out what talking about the negative did to my mood, energy and aura.

This is what Eckhart Tolle refers to as "the pain body." It is something that needs to be fed. I made a statement in my last post that I have not always believed that I have the strength to heal emotionally but that I'm going to choose to believe it. With this choice, I need to also choose not to feed the pain body. And I also need to roll with the fact that I'm going to have bad days, disappointments, things that don't go as planned. But they need not rock my world. I can still choose my positive energy. This is somewhat unfamiliar territory and the pain body wants to go back to the accustomed misery. But I'm so done with that.

So here is my work in this phase. Finding balance. Not allowing my pain body to demand fodder. Not allowing a bad day to make me believe I was falsely happy before. Not to allow fear of happiness to stop me from moving ahead. Susan, my T, says FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. My fears are that I can't heal, I can't be strong enough, I don't deserve happiness and that any happiness I do muster up is a temporary illusion. Those beliefs are indeed false and they serve me no more.

Believe

2011-03-24T12:42:00.000-04:00

I've gotta tell you I'm in an amazing place lately.

I have been on a health journey since November. I've lost 42 pounds. It has not been particularly fun or easy. But every time that scale moves down again, it's worth it. It seems slow but I've hit a number now that feels significant to me and I'm definitely seeing the change in my appearance and in the clothes I can wear. I feel like "myself" again. I have some confidence back. I've dumped the frump and I got me some swagger. :o)

Beyond that, I had a makeup consultation with a professional and learned some things about how to wear makeup more flattering for my age. And I got my hair colored and cut. And I whitened my teeth. And I bought a few new outfits.

I remember this "me." This is the girl who, 8 years ago, tackled some shit and came out strong. This is the girl who went hard core on assertiveness training and left her abusive ex-husband. This is the girl who spoke her mind, who felt like she deserved some good things and wasn't afraid to say so. This is the girl who represented herself in court and kicked ass. I LIKE this girl.

Last night I was at acupuncture. My doc was preparing for a lecture and was compiling notes/data about some of his cases. He told me he found a common theme among his patients when comparing people with dramatic results and those with mediocre results. Attitude. Belief. There are some who do not believe in the process. They do not believe they can get well. He said some people want to "own" their disease.

Well, as far as the physical, I don't feel that way. I fully believe in chinese medicine. I wholeheartedly believe in the mind body connection. Acupuncture has been a God-send for me and it's helped me far beyond anything western medicine was ever able to accomplish. And I believe it will continue to get better.

But I realize, I do NOT have that same belief when it comes to my emotional healing. I do not always believe that I can beat those demons. I don't always have faith in my strength. And you know what? I hate that. I want to own that part of my life....and I don't mean "own" it in the way that I'm identified with it. I mean, I want to OWN it like I want to make it my bitch!! Why not? Why can't I heal? Because I continue to identify with that broken part of me. This is MY time. The rest of me is so full of life, joy, confidence right now. This is the time for new beliefs and new revelations. This is my time to believe in me and all that I can do.

HEALING

2011-03-18T14:57:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's post forced me to take a fresh look at healing.
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Starting with the literal, here is what M-W has to say about the word "Heal": 1: to make sound or whole, 2 a : to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome, 3: to restore to original purity or integrity.
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HealING....it's an action word. It implies an ongoing process. Am I still healing? I guess the question to ask first would be "Am I still in pain?" Most of the time, no. I feel more like I'm growing as opposed to healing which makes me believe the healing is largely done for me. And then I have questions like yesterday....why would I be stuck with thoughts of something so foolish and potentially harmful if I was truly healed?
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The thing is, depending on the wound, healing can be finite or subjective. A physical wound has a beginning, middle and end. Let's take my finger, for example. Twelve years ago, I put my hand accidentally through a glass pane and cut my finger down to the bone:Beginning. ER visit, stitches, follow up visits, stitches out, butterfly bandages applied:Middle. Skin fuses back together, redness and scar tissue diminish over time, no more pain:End. Yes, there is a faded scar but it's healed. That scar is part of me but does not affect my life in any way.

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An emotional wound is impossible to quantify. Healed implies back to normal and we all know that "normal" loses all application in the life of a victim. Healed implies perfection and we as humans are inherently imperfect. So waiting to feel healed may, in fact, be setting us up to constantly feel like a failure or as if we're hopelessly, helplessly scarred. I think when the pain is largely gone we're about as healed as we can hope to be. It doesn't mean the experience is gone and it doesn't mean we don't still have growing to do. But when an instance that would have brought pain or panic instead brings reflection, conscious connection and growth, we are healed.
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I have long believed I am toward the end of my healing journey. But still on an exciting path of growth. I am often able to identify triggers and feelings though my struggle sometimes is expressing those feelings. This experience is shaking my confidence and I'm not sure what it all means. But I can tell you I don't like it.
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Maybe healing, for me, means learning to accept that I still have feelings, maybe will always have feelings, of loss when it comes to my family. And that's just how it is. I think it makes me feel weak that I'm not "over it."

These Wounds Won't Seem To Heal

2011-03-17T14:31:00.005-04:00

What is it inside of me that drives me to consider getting back in touch with the people who have been the most hurtful, hateful people of my past?
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I have started this post at least a half dozen times over the past two weeks. I get about this far....a line or two. And then I bail on it. I'm not doing that today. I just said that this blog will be nothing if not fully honest from now on. Obviously, this is something I want to talk about or need to work out. I get a line into it and I think it's stupid...it's pointless. And I can't write it well enough to do justice to the feelings inside me.
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WOW. How utterly poetic....as I sit here trying to figure out where to go next, this song comes on Pandora: ("My Immortal" by Evanescence)
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
~
I have been stalking Bianca's father's profile on Facebook. Which naturally causes me to link out to his son's profile, his wife's profile. I found a picture of Bianca's half sister. I ache for the family that is there...but not really there. She has a father, a half-brother and two half-sisters. I want those "for her" but really it must mean that I want them for me. Right? I am trying to give her what I didn't have. In one respect, she does have what I didn't have. She has a Mom who is at least somewhat aware and present. But the flip side is that she pretty much has exactly what I had. It comes in a different package but she has a father who is a piece of garbage. What in God's name would possess me to even consider for a nanosecond opening the door for this man to come into her life?
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This is a man who lied to me about every fundamental thing about himself and schmoozed himself into my life, charmed his way into my bed. And that was all he wanted. But he said whatever he had to say to get there....talked of feelings and a future and wanting marriage and family. Neglecting to tell me he was already married with kids. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me in no uncertain terms "I will help you pay for an abortion but as far as being a father to this child, I have nothing to offer." He disappeared on me through the pregnancy, lied to me at every turn, dodged requests for pertinent information: things I needed to know for the sake of the baby. It's hard to hold your head high in a doctors appointment having to answer "I don't know" when asked about the father's medical & family history. On the day Bianca was born, he shut off his cell phone after I called him. He promised to come sign the birth certificate but didn't. He promised to pay child support but didn't. He lied at every turn, avoided me whenever possible and made life as difficult for me as he could. He has never once made an inquiry about my daughter's life or made an attempt to see her. He is a lying, cheating, dirty, deadbeat rat bastard who will never change. And so I want to reach out to him.........why?
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I don't feel like the pain from my own father is still so great that I would consider such stupidity. Maybe it is. "These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real." How do I heal? Especially when I feel like I have already healed? Am I fooling myself?

2011-03-09T21:33:00.003-05:00

So where have I been for 8 months? I made the jump to a more lighthearted, mom-themed blog. It was nice at first to escape the heaviness of this blog. But I found myself often not feeling free to talk about the topic on my mind. I've certainly learned that a lot of my issues raising Bianca tie in closely with my own childhood experience. I didn't want to get "heavy" on my lighthearted blog. And so I stopped blogging altogether.
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I have a problem. I write for my "audience" which is pretty humorous since I'm a small potato blog with very few followers. I'm like the tater tot of blogs, LOL. That's actually not THE problem; that's just the result of it. My real issue is that I have a tendency to write too much from my head and not enough from my heart. Sometimes I can bridge the gap but I am more comfortable thinking through a post than feeling through a post. It's a struggle to stay honest with myself. That ends today. If a post is not heartfelt, I will not post it. If I'm more worried about how someone will perceive the post than about being real, then I won't post it. And if I have to make my blog private in order to stop thinking about who is reading, then so be it. For now, I'm going to leave it public because, let's face it, it's healing to feel the connection to others and to hope that a single sentence or thought of mine could possibly, hopefully help another survivor.
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One of the biggest things that has gone on in the past months is that I've confirmed Bianca has a severe dopamine imbalance. She also has many food allergies/sensitivities that are causing health and behavioral problems. In layman's terms, you could say she has ADD. This is how it presents and this is how she would be diagnosed. I have chosen a natural course of treatment including NAET (mentioned in my last post) for allergy elimination, diet modification and herbal supplements. The diet modification is HARD. She is for all intents & purposes, not allowed to have sugar, corn syrup, corn starches, salt, artificial color, dairy or msg/gluten. It. Is. So. Hard.
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She is really struggling in school. It's been TOUGH for everyone, for her, for me, for her teacher. She is smart. And that's not just me as her Mom talking. She's really smart and it's carried her this far because she can take in minimal information and still know what she needs to know to get by. It's only going to get harder as she gets older and she won't be able to survive forever on this technique. Her school is ....I don't know.....I want to say not being helpful but that's not true. They have made concessions for her and have met with me several times. I just feel like I have to stay on top of them ALL the time and I have to educate myself so that I can ask for the right things for her. It's a little exhausting. It's unfamiliar territory and that makes me want to run away. Which is not an option right now and that causes me anxiety.
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I see the continuing struggle in school and I want to say it's not getting any better. But that is definitely not the case. When I consider other factors, her mood, how she reacts to discipline, her interactions with me, her general health....she IS improving. One of the downsides of going the natural route is that results can take a long time to evolve. When she reads at home, it's typical that she will only get through one, maybe two, pages before she totally loses focus and spirals downhill. Tonight she read me more than half of a book before she lost concentration. That is major progress and it deserves celebration. I have a hard time celebrating the small successes. The same way I don't cut myself slack for anything less than perfect. I have a hard time not seeing her issues as a reflection of poor parenting on my part even though I have scientific evidence that her brain chemicals are all out of whack. Yet, still, I want to beat myself up for everything. Get over it!! I need to get out of my own way to continue helping my child.

Failure, Disgust, Frustration,

2011-03-07T20:50:00.001-05:00

Decision Making, Faithless.
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Hello friends. It's been a while since I've been here. I felt like I needed to go in a different direction with my writing but, funny, it quickly began to lead me back here. I'm going to start with a post about what is going on today and then I'll fill in the missing time as I go forward. For right now, I need to process some things.
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I still see my acupuncturist and am doing well, healthwise. He has introduced me to something called NAET which is a natural method of treating allergies. It is used to change the body's energy reaction to certain elements. I know it works for food and environmental allergies. I didn't realize, at first, it also works for emotional issues.
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A few months back, I was suffering from nonstop obsessive fear of dying. I could not make it stop. I could not sleep, could not relax, could not stop the thoughts. I went to the doctor and asked him to help me with the anxiety. I explained the thoughts and he suggested NAET. With one treatment, the thoughts were gone. GONE. And have not come back again.
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Lately, I have been consumed with negative thoughts. Everything I do is not good enough. All I see is what I've not accomplished, what is wrong, what is bad, where I'm behind, where I've dropped the ball. I will not recognize any positive thing I've done. It's immediately overtaken by the other thoughts. "Oh, you accomplished that? Well, take a look at that, that, that and that which you have not done. Loser! Don't pat yourself on the back for that piddly accomplishment when you know you're a complete failure at everything else." I don't want to live in this space and so I went to my doc and asked if he could hit me up with some NAET to clear these thoughts out.
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He asked if I could put a name to the feelings. Corresponding emotions. I was not sure....frustration maybe? So he tested me with certain elements, through neuromuscular reaction, to see what was going on. And the things I tested positive for are: Failure. Disgust. Frustration. Decision Making. Faithless. Yeah, that sounds about right. I talked to my T about the session and she asked me to write about each of those very powerful feelings and see if I can help identify the thoughts around each of them. And so, here I am.
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Failure. As the title and opening of my blog tells, I expect perfection of myself. And frankly there is NO better way to feel like a total failure than to expect the impossible of yourself. Yet I still do it. I know, in my head, that this is a losing battle. I can tell you all the "right" things that I should be thinking, feeling, setting my sights on. And, I believe all those things. For everyone except me. I still cling to the notion that somehow, someway I can do it all and do it perfectly. I live in my head with no connection to my heart, to reality. And no interest in cutting myself a break and saying it's okay to be human. You know what this is right here....this is me taking over for my abusers. This is me absolutely denying myself the right to be free. This is me being terrified of what freedom might feel like, of what loving myself might look like and of who I will be if I'm not this slave to my own fears.

Disgust. I suppose goes hand in hand, right? I am constantly disgusted with my inability to get it right, to do it all. Further, I am disgusted with the state of my home, my office, my finances. I am disgusted at myself for not keeping up with my blog, for "failing" at my other attempt, for not being a perfect mom. I am disgusted with other people and the choices they make. Things that have nothing to do with me. But I sit in judgment on others because I so harshly judge myself. And I'm disgusted with myself for being so self righteous and judgmental. It's not who I want to be. So naturally, I'm disgusted with myself for being who I don't want to be.
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Frustration. Comes in because I am in this place of emotional purgatory. I intellectualize everything and I see it, I get it. I could be a therapist for someone else and say all the right things. But there is no emotional connection to that within me. What I know in my head is blocked off by the brick wall surrounding my heart. It was sometimes better to not know. Ignorance is bliss....sometimes it's entirely too true.
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Decision Making. Well, sure. How am I supposed to make decisions when I wallow in the fear of failure day in and out? I have been having some major struggles with Bianca, issues that require me to be on my game and to make decisions about what is best for her. I have felt paralyzed. Decisions at work. Decisions about what to do with my house. Whether I should move. Decisions about what to do with my time. Soooo....for the most part, I avoid the choices. (Except for Bianca....that required action) But if I can get out of making a decision, I will. Because I'm too scared. And for some reason, I don't feel equipped to make good choices. Why? Because I've made bad ones in the past? Who hasn't? Oooohhhh, right.....it's because I was not supposed to make bad choices because I am supposed to be perfect and so avoiding new decisions takes away the chance of making a mistake. Yep, got it.
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Faithless. I am not sure in exactly which context this is meant but I took it literal. As in God - faith. And no, I am ashamed to say, I don't have faith in God. It literally pains me to say that because I know it's "wrong" and honestly, I don't want to feel that way. But it's another area in which I live in my head. There is no letting God into my heart right now. He's been there. It didn't save me. Well, maybe it did save me but not in the way I wanted to be saved. It's too hard for me to accept things on faith right now. I believe in Him; that is without question. But putting my faith out there.....it's more than I am capable of right now. Faith and vulnerability go hand in hand and it's just not a leap I'm prepared for today.
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I hope to soften. I hope that the work I am doing now will allow me to break the wall between head and heart, so that I can begin to change all of these things. Maybe this is a step in the right direction. It feels so right to be back here.

Can anyone else understand a survivor?

2010-07-28T21:06:00.005-04:00

There are days I feel I'm so on course, healing, strong, close to healthy. And then, there are days like today when I feel so horribly, horribly broken. I don't know where to begin as I sit here just letting my fingers fly over the keys. It started with the incident at choir last night (prior post) and I thought I did so awesome in figuring things out. And then I had a conversation with my BFF and now I'm left feeling confused and crazy. And I wonder....among many other things....can anyone else understand an abuse survivor? Can anyone not living with PTSD understand how it warps and ties experiences together whether they seem relevant to an outsider? Can someone with no reference point of abuse begin to comprehend what comes along with the aftermath? The intense shame and self doubt that permeate areas of our lives? Or....am I using that as an excuse because I don't want to hear the things she's saying to me?

My BFF, Jennie, has been my friend for 27 years now. I am a year older than she and it was always sortof a big sis/lil sis type of dynamic. She came to me, the wise older sister. She talked, I listened. She asked, I advised. She cried, I comforted. I never talked about me. When we met I was 13 years old and just at the tail end of the sexual abuse, still mired in physical and emotional abuse from my father, abusive neglect from my mother and feeling entirely confused, wrong, ashamed, unsure. As we've grown up, we've had some parallels and even go to the same therapist. She was never abused but we've shared some of the same insecurity issues, codependency issues. We laugh about our polar opposite upbringings and yet, still some similar problems. Jennie has made great strides in the past couple years and she's pretty healthy right now. There was a time when our relationship only existed in a codependent form. I needed her to need me. It gave me an outlet to sink my energy so that I didn't have to deal with my own emotions.....I was too busy getting caught up in hers. Now all that has changed and I'm happy but I find myself feeling anxiety, unfamiliar, *gulp* vulnerable.

In my past I've twisted vulnerability around to try to make it work for me. I didn't bother to evaluate if a person was worthy of my opening up to them. I did it, with men, to portray myself in a certain way...the victim, the damsel in distress...feel sorry for me, love me, save me. And inevitably it ended badly which confirmed my suspicions about opening up to people. It only serves to hurt me. So I find myself in this unique situation with Jennie where there is reward in the risk of opening up (after 27 years!). I can prove that vulnerability can be safe. I can deepen our friendship, make it more reciprocal. Yet I find myself on edge when I talk to her....afraid to show my "weakness", afraid to no longer be the "older, wiser", afraid to drop the facade of having it all together, being able to handle things myself. I find myself irritated with some of the things she says to me. Sometimes b/c I feel like she doesn't get it and other times because I clearly see she DOES get it! I don't always take advice well, especially if I've not asked for it. Yet, there are two people I trust to give me advice and it never seems to ruffle me....one is my therapist and the other is a (mostly) online friend, who also happens to be a survivor. (I'm lookin' at you, Enola!)

And then I begin to question.....is Jennie just not the right person for me to talk to? And I hate that thought b/c she is my BFF and she knows me so well and I want her to be that person. I love her to death, I trust her implicitly. Do I now criticize the advice she's given me b/c it made me angry and overstepped a line for me? Do I need to school her on PTSD? Am I being way too hyper about it? Am I just getting used to how this works? Or does she have an intrinsic inability to comprehend the way things filter in a survivors brain? Or am I hiding behind that?

Somehow all of these thoughts swirled in my head for an hour as I drove to pick up Bianca at camp and I was throwing into the mix that I'm a bad friend, too sensitive, haven't made any progress, stupid, crazy, disorganized, can't do anything right, etc etc etc etc. My mind would not stay focused on any one thing that made any sense. It was simply a barrage of negative self talk that would not cease.

Silenced, again.

2010-07-27T22:57:00.004-04:00

I had choir rehearsal tonight. I sing in a small group that I love. I've been in it for seven years now and, when I began, I was very quiet and shy. That has changed over the past few years and I've really come into my own as a singer.

We're preparing for our most significant performance; it's coming up in two weeks. Last week, we were solidifying our song list and "Amazing Grace" was suggested with a solo verse going to me. Yeah! Love it!! We rehearsed it, it was lovely. I've been practicing it all week, trying to get my breathing and phrasing *just* right.

Tonight, I get to rehearsal and the song list is written & printed, copies for everyone. I glance it over. Hmmm....let me look that over again. This one, that one, this song, dat da da daa......Amazing Grace is not on the list. ? No one said anything to me about it. Just took it right out. Well, I stewed about it and didn't say anything. Later in the evening, someone else asked "Hey what happened to Amazing Grace?" and I just stood there, hands on hips, waiting.... The guy who makes the schedule doesn't even make eye contact with me, just says he wanted a different song. Oh....YOU wanted?? There are 11 other people in this group. He's not the director, he IS someone I love dearly and has been like a father to me for 27 years so this is hard for me. But I'm pissed. He hoards the spotlight in the choir and doesn't like to give others the opportunity to shine. I want to shine. Dammit, I *deserve* to shine!

So I'm stewing away at choir and starting to lose it. At any moment, I'm either going to burst into tears or I'm going to rip into someone. Or maybe both. So I grab my stuff and just run out. Driving home (a long drive, thankfully), I'm ruminating on what happened. I'm running the gamut of emotions and holy crap, I need to pull over!! I'm steaming about the situation with my "dad"..."sure he never writes himself & his songs out of a schedule. Can't he share the spotlight?. It took me sooo many years to find my voice & now he's silencing me." *lightbulb* And there is the trigger that makes this sooo huge for me. It took me so many years to find my "voice" in life....to talk about my abuse, what happened to me, to open up and people wanted me to keep quiet. That is why the disproportionate emotional response. I feel silenced, trivialized and unvalued. Aaaahhhh. I love a good epiphany.

And a side note to the previous "Silenced" post....I emailed my mother tonight and told her in no uncertain terms, she is never to talk about my brother with me again. More on that later, most likely, as I anticipate some sort of response from her which undoubtedly will piss me off in some way. :o)

Silenced

2010-07-24T23:33:00.000-04:00

It's been five months since an incident with my Mom sent my head reeling. The backstory is here. It took me some time (and therapy) but I was able to claim back the good feelings I had about being validated and I also came up with a plan. I prepared myself for the next time my Mom would mention my brother (an abuser) and what I would say to her.

My mom babysits once a week when I have choir rehearsal. When I get home, Bianca is asleep and it's pretty much the only time she and I talk. I expected any reference to my brother would come at this time and I was on edge, waiting, rehearsed, prepared. For weeks and months. And it never came.

Here we are now, nearly six months later and she decides to bring him up today while she's with me and my daughter. I don't want to have this conversation in front of my daughter and, of course, it's been so long that I don't even remember what I was supposed to say!! I felt a knot in my stomach....I felt silenced, like I'd been so many times for so many years. So I sat there in my stunned silence, my head reeling once again....do I blurt something out just to seize the opportune moment? Am I losing my chance? I felt a small sense of failure because I'd previously felt so amped up to put her in her place and now it was all gone. No wind in the sails! But in the end, I decided I needed to think it through and also, I did not want to say my peace in front of Bianca.

So now I sit here trying to recall what I wanted to say then, trying to figure out what I want to say now. Damn her for catching me off guard!!

Negating Childrens Feelings

2010-07-22T09:31:00.005-04:00

I've been reading this book called "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"

My daughter, Bianca, will be 6 next month and the struggles that occur between us can be monumental. I wanted a better way to communicate. She is so much like me and we often clash because we both want to be in control. Well I'm the Mom so I need to be in control! But that doesn't mean I need to squash her thoughts and feelings in the process.

The main thrust of the book is simple. Validate your child's feelings. Don't excuse or negate their feelings with statements like "You don't really feel that way.", "You're just saying that because you're tired.", "There's no reason to be so upset." In our grown up world, we *wish* our biggest problem was that "Billy made a face at me" or "Lauren wouldn't sit next to me at lunch" so it's easy for us to brush it off. But to kids, it's a big deal and they need to know we understand and accept their feelings.

It was funny, on Sunday, we were leaving a pool party and Bianca was exhausted, did not want to get out of the pool, did not want to leave and she was crying. All the other grownups were telling her "you're okay, you had such a fun day, you'll be back soon, oh you're just tired, don't be sad, don't cry, etc..." I just let her cry & told her I understand you feel sad, it's hard to leave when you've had so much fun. I just let her work it through and kept validating her and, within a few minutes, she was done crying and we were laughing and being silly.

More importantly, when they are sad, angry or frustrated, we have to help them label those feelings that they may not understand and, without jumping in to solve their problem, give them the opportunity to feel their feelings and talk things out on their own. Help them to trust their own feelings. Give them the tools to work through bad experiences. I know, as parents, we just want to make things all better ASAP! But that desire to step in and "solve" the problem may do more harm than good in the long run. Now I'm brand new at this so I don't have many examples of how it's worked for me yet but I hope to update later on with my success stories.

But the point of this post is what it's brought up for me. As abuse survivors, we've likely had our fears, feelings and experiences negated more than the average child. Not only did the abuse mess us up but the disbelief or failure to act on the part of our caregivers caused us to doubt our own experiences and feelings. No wonder so many of us have a hard time expressing and trusting our emotions!

I have a seriously hard time feeling my feelings. And an even harder time talking about them. When I do talk about them, there is this laundry list of expectations of how I want the person listening to respond. If you get it wrong.....bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! You're out. I'm not likely to confide in you again! Well, I certainly realized how unrealistic this was. Who could live up to that? It became a self fulfilling prophecy that I could not trust anyone to help me. I'm genuinely uncomfortable with people who give me the "look on the bright side" approach because I feel dismissed. And I realized that is because of my mother. She cannot tolerate unhappiness or discomfort in any way and she turns into a whirling dervish of sunshine trying to dispel the negative feelings. The biggest example I saw of this in my own life was my nightmares. When we moved to CT, I was 10 and my brother (abuser) was 12. It had been going on for many years already but this was the point that it began to escalate in severity. I had such horrible nightmares, so terrifying that my screams would not even make a sound. When my panic finally came down to a level that I could scream, my mother would come into my room. Never asking what the dream was, never empathizing that dreams could feel real and be scary. Just telling me to go back to bed, nothing is wrong, everything is fine, think about butterflies, kittens & ballerinas. No room for bad things here, let's just pretend none of this ever happened. Push all those fears down, down, down (where you can deal with them in therapy 20 years later.....) Only talk to me about rainbows, lollipops and unicorns. Because that's much more helpful. Because that was all she could deal with. And I was left feeling like my fears were "wrong", unfounded, unimportant, something to stuff down and not talk about. Ever.

Now I see why I'm such a freak about talking about my problems as well as talking myself out of my problems ie: getting ready to reach out to talk to a friend and then I say to myself "oh this isn't so bad, it's not a big deal, I don't want to bother so&so with this stupid stuff, I can work through it myself. Sure....because my problems were never given credibility. No one gave me permission to feel sad or angry or scared. I refuse to do that to my daughter anymore and I'm really excited to see how this process will develop.

Wow....

2010-07-13T15:06:00.005-04:00

Has it really been almost 3 months since I've posted??? Wow.
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We were on vacation last week and I had every intention of posting while away. But, as it turned out, there was a freak heatwave. With the temp inside the house reaching upward of 90 degrees, I didn't feel like doing much other than a cold shower and trying to sleep with numerous fans pointed at me. Despite the heat, we had a great week. Vacation with a 5 year old is never relaxing. There was much running around, arcade, amusement park, boat rides, day at the beach. I got together with an old friend which was wonderful.
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I am still doing acupuncture once a week. We're focusing on balancing out my body energy and reducing the food addiction. It's working amazingly well. Where I used to estimate my urge (on a scale of 1 - 10) about a 9, it's now at about a 3. The hard part is that while acupuncture is causing the physical addiction to diminish, it does not address the emotional desire to binge. Food was my way to disconnect from myself, to escape. It's been my comfort, my companion. Now what happens is that my mind still desires that disconnect. It wants the comfort and draws me to the familiar outlet of eating but my mind is now engaged in the process. I'm not disconnected. This is good....this is progress. This also sucks when I really do want to disconnect!! I know it's "healthy" to be connected and it's what I've worked for in therapy. But who can deny the peace that sometimes comes with a nice, mindless dissociation? Right??!?!
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Recently, in therapy, I asked my T what she thought about hypnotism. I think I mentioned it here before. Ah yes, here. I had contacted someone about it. T tells me that hypnosis can be helpful in a variety of situations. She warned me about the "age regression" technique and that it can be potentially traumatizing. She does not recommend it for me. She asked me what I hope to gain through hypnosis. I told her that I wanted it to help diconnect me from the desire to binge. She said that tapping would accomplish the same thing.
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Now, she and I have talked about tapping (info about it here) many, many times. I've tried it on occasion. I believe in it but, for some reason, I cannot seem to commit to it. I asked her, rhetorically, "Why am I so resistant to the tapping?" Her reasonable reply...."I don't know. Why are you so resistant to the tapping?" I sat with this question for a moment when the answer came to me. Like acupuncture, hypnosis is a "passive" activity. It's something someone else does to, or for, me. Tapping is active. It's all on me. It requires my participation, my commitment, my effort. And, if it fails, then I perceive that *I* have failed. That's my resistance. I don't want to be to blame for something failing.
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That appointment was several weeks ago. T and I spoke at length about different tapping techniques, different times to use them, the most effective statements for me to focus on. I think about it daily but I've not done it yet. As of today, I created a journal with all my tapping statements and instructions as well as a section to keep track of what is happening with me when the urge to binge hits me. I post this here in an effort to follow through with my plan and be accountable to give this a serious try. And if it doesn't work then it's just not the answer for me. It doesn't make ME a failure. (let's see how many times I have to say that til I actually believe it....)

Me and My Shadow

2010-04-18T20:29:00.002-04:00

The other day, I happend to be poking around on Facebook. I check every so often to see if Bianca's bio-father is on Facebook. He hasn't been. Until now. I suddenly found myself enmeshed in link upon link to his wife, his step daughter, his son and his son's mother. As I looked and read, I was struck with the desire to start causing trouble. Who should I message? Who should I mess with? Should I reach out to his son and let him know he has another half sister? Or make up a pretend Facebook profile to trap him or make friends with his wife?

Ultimately, I reigned all those desires in and closed out of all the profiles. I did it for two reasons. #1 I didn't want to waste my energy on something so negative and #2 I knew that no good would come of it. Still the thoughts pop into my head and I feel like there must be something wrong with me that I had those intentions in the first place.

So I asked Susan, my T, what this is all about. Shadow, she says. It's your shadow.

In Jungian psychology, the shadow or "shadow aspect" is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts. "Everyone carries a shadow," Jung wrote, "and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." It may be (in part) one's link to more primitive animal instincts, which are superseded during early childhood by the conscious mind. According to Jung, the shadow, in being instinctive and irrational, is prone to project: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived moral deficiency in someone else. Jung writes that if these projections are unrecognized "The projection-making factor (the Shadow archetype) then has a free hand and can realize its object--if it has one--or bring about some other situation characteristic of its power." These projections insulate and cripple individuals by forming an ever thicker fog of illusion between the ego and the real world.

There have been times, many times really, in the past where I've had a desire to do something cruel or destructive to another person and, though I've known it was not the right thing to do, I felt powerless to stop myself from following through. The fact that, this time, I did not do what I daydreamed about is progress. And the fact I recognized and questioned it is healing. It was nice to hear my T say that this is a part of every person. And, as Jung says, the more embodied it is, the blacker it is. So bringing this darker aspect of myself into the light of consciousness, the here and now of reality, is literally enlightening.

Triggered and Confused

2010-04-01T10:04:00.006-04:00

Where do I start? I have a situation going on at work that is sucking the life out of me. There is a man who works here who is difficult and demanding to put it mildly. We've had our run in's before...we're both wielding stubborn Irish tempers so we can clash in a big way. Lately, in the past few months, I find myself unable to even tolerate the sound of his voice without cringing and feeling anger rush over me.

On Monday, we had a disagreement about something he wanted me to do for him. I questioned him on why he needed this particular thing and he got right up in my face with his finger and seethed "Let me tell you something. The day I have to explain myself to you is the day I'm out of here. You got that?" It was meant to be intimidating. At the moment, I reacted to it numbly and just went back to work. But as I continued to mull things over through the day, I had an epiphany. This man has been abusive and harassing for years and that is the root of my angry, defensive feelings anytime he is near me. I, along with everyone else in the office, have excused it by saying "oh that's just how he is" but that feeds into his bahavior as he's learned he can get what he wants and no one will stop him. When I try to stop him, he takes it up a level and stomps his little temper-tantrum feet until someone basically says "Oh just do what he wants to make him go away." I've had it with that.

Since that realization, I've run the gamut of emotions. I've been outraged, depressed, numb and mostly just confused. I have a boss who is non-confrontational to the extreme. He doesn't say what needs to be said in difficult situations. He tries to ride the fence and keep everyone happy which doesn't work. I mean, I suppose there are times I benefit from that because I've certainly made some mistakes or been known to run my mouth off. But I see where his management style has really come to cause me detriment in my job. Yet I protect him fiercely with my words, I've noticed. Particularly now. I find myself saying "I love boss and I hate to put this on his plate.." or "Boss is such a great guy and I hate to put him in this position....." Why do I feel this way? I've referenced before how authority figures have tied into father figures in my mind. Am I protecting my coveted image of him as a "good dad"? Because he's NOT my dad and I've worked on making that disconnect so now I'm wondering what this is all about. He has been a good boss in positive ways....he's easy going, he's family friendly, he gives me alot of latitude, he's ethical, he's generous. Yet, the majority of my frustrations here have come down to the fact that he won't sternly discipline poor behavior or job performance. Is this who I want to work for? I'm not sure anymore but I can't deny I have got it GOOD here in ways that matter to my life. And do I want to start from scratch right now, in this economy? Not really. So what does that mean? Shut my mouth and just work?

At my last job, my principles cost me my job. I was all high & mighty about what I did vs what others in my department did and, in the end, they rallied together and sabotaged me. Though my boss knew exactly what the truth was, he looked at the many vs the one and let me go. He made the easy choice. Human nature, I suppose. He did later admit that he made a mistake but it was too late. When that happened, I lost all sense of job security because that boss and I were pretty tight and I never in a million years thought that could happen. I will not make that assumption ever again. And I promised myself in my next job, I'd keep my mouth shut and my nose to the grindstone. Well, that lasted a few years here until I really settled in, felt comfortable and developed an open rapport with this boss. Now I find myself in this position of being "the spokesperson". People in the office talk to me. They tell me their problems/frustrations. None of my peers feel comfortable sharing their frustrations with boss. So when I hear rumblings around the office, I will advise boss if I feel it's big enough to cause a potential problem. Maybe I need to quit doing that but I always think that a boss should know when things are going awry so he has the opportunity to deal with it before it's out of control.

Now, I've had a handful of conflicts while here and I keep coming back to that. Is it me? Why am I the one who always seems to be on one end of all these problems? Is it because I have too high expectations? Is it because I'm a bitch that people can't get along with? Is it because I'm the only idiot who can't shake it off and let it go? And...now that I've been involved in a few issues, are my complaints even going to hold weight? Is he going to be sick of me and just fire me?

I've done some research on workplace threats, harassment and bullying. I came across this quote: One of bullying's greatest tragedies is that the best and brightest, not the weakest, are selected for targethood. You posed a threat somehow to a person who is not fully developed as a moral human being. He or she may possess skills, but the only important ones involve manipulation and control of other people and the game of political sabotage at work. The fact that bullies are threatened speaks volumes about them, not about you.

Well, by no means do I feel I'm the "best & brightest" and in fact, I often feel I'm a stupid, useless fraud who has no right to be in the position I am. (Old messages) So does that mean I'm the one acting out because I feel threatened? And then I think no....I did not bring this on myself. I see what this man did to me and, although we were in the midst of a 2 sided, heated conversation, he had no right to speak to me like that. I have the right to expect to feel safe and protected at work. Right? I don't know anymore. Legally, not so much. I mean, the quote above, let's face it, has application to abuse as well. It's about manipulation. It's about the perpetrators own shortcomings. Does my past abuse make me unable to keep perspective in the workplace with people like this? Am I being hypervigilant and making mountains out of molehiles because confronting a workplace bully somehow is feeding an old desire to confront my abusers? Do I keep my mouth shut now.....now, when I feel like I've really been violated? Am I now the girl who cries wolf and this most serious of offenses will now be minimized because it came from the mouth of the troublemaker? I am so confused.

Updates

2010-03-08T13:00:00.003-05:00

Update to my previous post about how Acupuncture is helping with my addiction. I mentioned that, by two days later, my cravings and urges to binge returned. I've still been wrestling with it since then however, I've come to notice something. I am able to tap into a level of consciousness that was not previously there. For instance, one of the aspects of a binge is that I dissociate from my actions during. Now, I'm noticing that I'm not entirely dissociated. I'm actually now questioning myself before or during a binge..."What am I doing?", "What am I feeling?", "Why do I want to do this right now?". The other night, it was around 11pm and I was about to heat something up to eat. I paused, I took a deep breath. I said to myself "I don't need this. There is NO physical hunger in my body right now." I put the food away and I was fine with that. That, in itself, is significant in my world. I go back tonight for another treatment. I'm going to talk to my Acu Doc about upping my treatments to twice a week for now. Acupuncture builds on itself in terms of healing so if I wait too long between treatments at this stage, it's like starting from square one each visit. I'm afraid that last weeks result set the bar SO high that I'll be disappointed with anything less so I'm just trying to stay grounded and remember slow, gradual progress is okay, too.
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Update #2. On Bosses and Fathers. Background post here. I saw my T on Saturday. A lot has gone on for me at work in the past couple months between admitting how much I'd been slacking, resolving to focus more on my job then getting sick and being out for 3 weeks during which time the poop hit the fan with the mistake I'd made. Then a new woman started working here who seriously has/had it in for me and I was forced to really evaluate what I want to do and letting go of some of my control issues as well as my desire to do it ALL. So going back to what happened when I screwed up at work (totally my own fault and totally preventable) and how upset I was over losing my bosses approval....I said to Susan (my T) how odd it was that I was not approving of my own behavior and performance in the office. So even though I was disappointed in myself, somehow I was still desperately seeking and expecting HIS approval. I thought maybe I was setting up some negative attention getting? Then Susan said "you were looking for him to rescue you....no, you were seeking his *unconditional* love." So somehow I was wanting him to love and approve of me even though I was failing him miserably. Oh how that struck a chord. I feel like I've hit a really good place and I'm making a break from the fatherly feelings around him. I've also realized that when I'm proud of the job I'm doing, all of a sudden the bosses approval isn't so important to me. Because I know when I'm doing a good job, he has no reason to be unhappy with me.
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Finally, an update on the child support issue, background post here. I called the state agency for an update last week and learned that I've been getting less child support because there is another support order against Bianca's bio-father. So this means one of two things. Either #1 he's gotten yet another woman pregnant and has another new baby or #2 his wife finally divorced him and filed for support of their daughter. I hope, for his sake, it's #2 because frankly if it IS #1...then #2 should be shortly forthcoming!! Either way, I'm giving myself more kudos for managing to stay grounded and take this information as nothing more than....well, information. It's not tied to anything, it's not triggering any of my father issues or bringing up feelings of failure, wishes for a different situation. It simply is what it is. As I said to Susan, I'm not going to give it any more energy than it deserves (which is essentially none!) but oh how I'd love to be a fly on the wall of his life for a minute!! Way to really, really screw things up for yourself and a handful of kids, too!

Promising

2010-03-03T12:37:00.003-05:00

I've been going to Acupuncture for almost 6 months now. Last month, I had a re-evaluation that showed a 55% overall improvement in my symptoms since I started. We've worked mainly on stress relief, chronic pain, management of anxiety. I'm happy to report I'm more relaxed, I sleep better and I'm weaning off my anxiety medication.
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We have talked about working on my eating disorder but hadn't really started treating it until last week. My eating disorder is actually a food addiction. My Dr. did his internship at an inner city hospital treating Meth & Heroin addicts with acupuncture. With success. So last week, we decided it was time to make this the primary focus of my appointments. The addiction points are in the ears as you may have gathered from the pic. So last week, he did 6 points in my ears. Interesting sensation. The day he did it, I didn't feel any difference in my cravings. The following two days, they felt somewhat reduced. I went back on Monday of this week. He did 8 ear points. I could tell something serious was going on in my body from how I felt as I lay there. I felt as if my body was curled backwards in a circle, almost like I was laying over a big medicine ball. Those disjointed feelings always indicate that the flow of energy has been out of whack. The result was so radical, I am still shocked.
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Let me back up to a typical night with this food addict.... Generally, Bianca and I eat dinner together, I put her to bed and then the binging begins. But even before the binge, I'm setting it up in my head. If there are leftovers from dinner I leave them sitting out on the kitchen counter. While I'm in the kitchen, I'm mentally and visually scanning what will be part of the night binge. My mind is fully occupied with this. If there are leftovers that are getting old, I know they will need to be eaten because I can't possibly let them go to waste. Waste is a huge thing for me with food. (Long complex explanation but basically I attach human qualities to food and it pains me to "reject" it by throwing it away.) After Bianca is in bed, I go back downstairs and immediately immerse myself in the binge. Starting with the leftovers if there are any. Followed by whatever else I'd planned or I find as I go through my routine. I continue until I feel "done" which is an ambiguous feeling. "Done" can mean I just feel like I've had enough...something hit "the spot" or I just plain feel sick. It may mean I can't seem to fill the emptiness so I give up and go to bed. It can mean it's late and I know I need to get some sleep. It could be that I'm overcome by disgust and remorse. Whatever the case, "done" is generally unpleasant.
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Now let me tell you about Monday night, after Acupuncture. Bianca and I stopped for Chinese take out because it was really late and I knew I would not have time to cook the meal I planned. Chinese is something I never save leftovers of because it does not reheat well, IMHO! So normally, I would leave it out and consume it after B is in bed. Instead, this night, I ate most of what was on my plate and I felt pleasantly sated. Bianca finished and I threw everything leftover in the garbage. Including the heinously irresistable little fried dough pillows from heaven that are rolled in sugar and melt in your mouth. Right in the garbage, no second thought. As I cleaned up from dinner and threw away the leftovers, I had no thoughts of food. There was no scanning, scheming, planning for what was next. There was not a care of food. Before I went to bed, I had a small sugar free popsicle while I was using the computer. There was no need, no urgency, no addictive behavior associated with it. It was a full 180 experience for me. And one I loved. I felt so free of the prison of addictive thoughts and behavior. I can only hope this is what's in store for me as I continue the acupuncture treatment.
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I didn't expect it to last since we're just at the beginning stages. Yesterday was not as good as Monday but not as bad as my typical behavior. Today, I feel the real urges coming back. I'm okay with that, though. Like I said, I didn't expect it to "stick" yet. I've only had 2 treatments for a problem that's plagued me for a lifetime. But it's a promising start.

Denial

2010-02-03T10:42:00.005-05:00

As they say, it ain't just a river in Egypt.

This is a continuation of the prior post about my Mom. Last night she came over for dinner and I decided to bring up the fact that she had my brother spend the night. I just wanted to find out where her head is about him. After what happened over the summer (the link to the backstory in my prior post), I wanted to know how she went from there to here.

Well, it was about as disappointing as could possibly be. After Bianca went to bed, I told her I was surprised about Jeff staying at her house. She said oh it was only for a night because he'd had some big blowup with his girlfriend. She went on to say she's so excited for him getting this cute little place of his own. I said well, I just mean after all the stuff that happened over the summer, I was surprised. I asked her where she was with all that. She thought I meant about him cheating on his wife and started saying how that was bad. I said no, that's not what I mean. I mean the big epiphany you had about what kind of person he is...where are you with that? She said well, I'm not sure he's always telling the 100% truth. And I think what he did (meaning to his wife) was awful. He didn't even say he felt bad about that or anything. She totally changed the focus to that situation. And then she said "Do I think people can change?" and trailed off after that. I waited a second and then said firmly "I don't know, DO you think people can change?" And then she went to wash my dishes and didn't answer me. (She cleans when she's upset or nervous)
~
As she did that, I sat with my laptop playing a game and trying to hold back tears. I realized that when she had that big epiphany over the summer, I felt validated in what my experience of my brother has been for 40 years. And now I feel she's forgotten that and taken it away from me. When she told me about her revelation, she said how sorry she was that she didn't see it before because she began to acknowledge all the pain he'd put me through and how her inability to see him clearly contributed to that. I didn't realize until later (you know, as I was laying in bed unable to sleep because I could not stop thinking about this....), that when she recognized my brother for what he is, for the very first time in my life, I felt like she met me in reality. She has lived in the denial bubble for so long. And her coming to grips with the truth knocked down a wall that has existed between us for years. Now she's back in her bubble and I feel like I need to put that wall up again.

The fact that she was stuck on the cheating on his wife situation, which frankly I could not give a rat's rear about, reminded me how when I told her about the abuse she could only acknowledge what my father did, never able to face any fact about what my brother did. She has selective hearing or memory when it comes to this.

"Hey Mom....brother abused me."

"Yes, your father was horrible to you."

"No Mom, brother raped me."

"I'm so sorry your father was such a monster..."

It's like giving your support to someone who decides to leave an abusive relationship, helping them make sense of it, giving of yourself to help them cope with it and then they decide screw it....I'm going back to the SOB, conveniently forgetting all the reasons they left in the first place. And I'm standing here thinking WTF just happened? What was that all about? And how the hell, after having so much evidence shoved in your face that you could no longer deny that brother is nothing but a manipulative liar, do you manage to put it all back out of your head? Like it never even happened? I guess she's just found the way to retreat back to her bubble where it's safe and comfy. I can't say that there are days I don't miss "safe & comfy" in the land of denial but I'll take reality, no matter how much it sucks, anyway.

What Does This Mean To Me?

2010-02-02T12:54:00.000-05:00

The backstory for this post is here.
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It's funny as I read that prior post myself....I see I ended it by saying "I'm not sure what to think about it yet." And here with the latest twist in the story, I'm in the exact same place. I'm not sure what to think about it.
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In fact, I'm not sure I ever really processed the incidents of the prior post on an emotional level. I'm not sure there was anything even there to process? That sounds wrong....I have to think there WAS. In any case.... I called my Mom on Saturday AM to ask her a baking question. I'm a good cook but Mom's my guru! She sounded distracted so I asked her was she busy? "No," she says "your brother spent the night and *waaah*waaah*waaah*waaah*" (Insert sound of Charlie Brown's teacher here because it's all I heard after that)
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Huh?? I managed to gather a couple things in my haze. Something about changing apartments and had nowhere to stay for a night so she had him stay with her. She sounded all bubbly about some changes in his life and I was just silent. "Okay, thanks for the baking advice....talk to you later."
~
Now, I was skeptical when she said it was the end of all contact with him before. And I know she's seen him a few times since that all happened. I don't know...this was different. All that talk about everything out of his mouth being BS and he's nothing but a manipulative, pathological liar and now he's a houseguest? I called my friend Jennie after I got off the phone with my Mom...I just wanted to talk it out. Jennie responded with some thoughts about my mother and why she did what she did. Correct thoughts. Hey, I know my Mom better than anyone and it's not hard to figure out why she did it. In fact, I don't really care at the moment. What I'm concerned about it what it means to ME. How do I feel about it?
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In the end, I think I just feel a little confused. I mean, I'd accepted that my mother was never going to see my brother for who and what he was and I was able to move past that and love her for who she was in spite of it. That all happened before her revelation. So why now do I feel like this should change something? Do I feel betrayed? No, I don't. I think maybe it's disappointment? Hmmm...as I sit here with my thoughts, I actually think I feel threatened. I am feeling like I need to protect myself from involvement with my Mom if she's going to be close with my brother again and forget what he really is. Even though I was able to accept her relationship with him before, I think I've let my guard down bit by bit and let her closer to me since her realization about my brother. You'd think I'd be more in touch with the feeling of needing to protect myself....I've lived with it forever.

Authority Figures

2010-02-01T15:48:00.000-05:00

I've been at my job for almost five years now. I enjoy a good relationship with my boss, the owner. For a while now, I'll admit I've had a rough time staying focused on my job. Part of it is the job itself, feeling overwhelmed at times by the myriad of responsibilities I have or feeling pulled in different directions by conflicting projects. More of the problem, however, is me and how I deal with these stressful situations. I put my head in the sand and I engage in totally unproductive things like Facebook or blogging. It's a snowball effect.....when I'm behind, I turn a blind eye which makes me more behind and then I really can't deal with it at all.

A couple posts ago, I mentioned that I finally gathered my focus and decided to stop goofing off at work. I need to be responsible to my job. I got through one incredibly productive day of that before health issues threw me a curve ball. At that time, it came to light that I'd made a mistake on a very important account. Like, a close personal friend of the bosses. And he got involved. I was beside myself. I felt shamed, depressed, stupid, guilty, exposed, worthless. Boss was definitely not pleased with what happened. And I have to deal with the ramifications of what I did.

Feeling guilty was probably justified. But I was hysterical...crying, fearful for my job. I was so wrapped up in reading into every word he did, or did not, say to me for the rest of the week. Mind you, I was home and so any correspondence we had was through email. *Gasp* I can just "hear" his disgusted tone in this email. He hates me. *Gasp* He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling! He has no more use for me. I've fallen from favor and things will never be the same. I've disappointed him. He has realized I'm a fraud and I'm a lousy employee. I deserve his disdain. I am no good.

Old messages. Old tapes. Old feelings. Authority figures tie into father issues for me. At least, authority figures whose opinions I value. (Which is funny because I really believe I don't at all care about my father's opinion of me...) And I really value this bosses confidence in me. So I was crushed when I felt I'd let him down. I was every bit as concerned with that as I was with my actual poor job performance. But the emotional reaction to the situation with my boss was extreme. So extreme that it was easy to recognize I was triggered in old feelings.

I went back to work last Monday. My office is off the side of the lobby so you can kindof see me when entering though the front door. Boss came in and walked right by my office without a glance or a word. I was an emotional wreck. He hates me, he hates me!!! I emailed him shortly thereafter to let him know all loose ends of the previous mistake had been wrapped up and it was put to bed. I took the opportunity to apologize for what had happened. He replied and said there was no need to apologize, mistakes happen all the time, asked how I was feeling and when I'd be back in the office!?! How crazy I got thinking he was ignoring me when he walked in.....he just didn't even realize I was there!! So I went down to his office and his same old smile to see me and the look & words of concern about me coming back too soon told me that all this drama was self created.

It also tells me that I still have old messages to overcome and still have father issues unresolved. Time to get back in with my T, I think.

Yes, Seriously....

2010-01-31T15:33:00.003-05:00

Was I really complaining about a cold and conjunctivitis? Yes, I was. Ahh, perspective. So two days after that post, I felt like maybe I was coming down with bronchitis. And the morning after that, I was in the hospital with 103 fever and bilateral pneumonia!! They kept me in the ER for about 7 hours through 2 rounds of motrin to bring the fever down, IV antibiotics and IV hydration. My blood pressure was about 100/50 because I was so dehydrated from the fever. I had 3 breathing treatments and was still only at 50% lung capacity. My low pulse oxygen was setting off the monitor alarms. I was fortunate that my Mom was able to bring me to the ER (still wrapped in the blankets from my couch because I had such severe chills!) and then she was able to go pick up Bianca from after school care. She also spent the night at my house and did my shopping and cooking. Good thing because those first few days, I was one with my couch.
~
How the heck did this happen?? I've never had pneumonia before and hope to never get it again. It has been miserable. I was out of work for almost 2 weeks and even now, I'm still not at full capacity. Apparently there is a pneumonia vaccine and I'm first in line for that next year! I'm also at a point that I need to find a way to get more sleep and take better care of myself. I know that is the #1 culprit of how I get sick so easily. So that's where I'm at right now. Forced into slowing down and seeing the benefit of it!

And I say, again, Seriously????

2010-01-12T10:12:00.002-05:00

So I made a decision this week to stay off Yahoo, Facebook, Blog, etc during the day so that I could focus on nothing but work. I'm behind and need to get some things done. I swear my body is allergic to organization!! I went to bed at 9:30 last night which is insanely early for me. Wake up at 3am with horrific pain in my eye. Hmmm....I've been here before....
I've got the viral conjunctivitis again....the one that requires isolation and takes 2-4 weeks to resolve. I'm in the office to gather my things and then I'm headed to the doctor then home. I think it's hilarious, for lack of a better word, that the circumstances are so similar to the last time. At least this time I didn't have a migraine, too. (Hope I didn't just jinx myself!!)

Open the Barn

2010-01-08T15:20:00.004-05:00

So I've been ruminating an idea for a while. One that seems a little unconventional. And one I'm almost embarassed to admit to.
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Hypnosis
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I know nothing about it really. I heard an ad on the radio a couple months back for a center in my state. It's not terribly close to me but I have been pondering calling them. I looked up their website on the internet and I was intrigued. I bookmarked it and tucked it away in my head.
~
With the new year here, it's time to start focusing on some goals again and dealing with my food issues is front & center in my mind. I went to check out the bookmarked website and wouldn't you know it? The site was temporarily unavailable. I tried a different search just to see if I could get the phone# for the center. What came up instead? A woman right here in my town with 25 years experience, loads of testimonials, even some from compulsive eaters/food addicts, like myself. Her site says she can help with (among other things) weight, cravings, anxiety, stress, motivation, concentration, migraines, abuse issues, self esteem.
~
I decided to call her, expecting an answering machine but she answered the phone. She shared her history with me and how she got into this field. It was quite interesting! She told me that hypnosis is nothing more than the acceptance of suggestions. Traditional hypnosis is done by direct suggestion. "You will no longer want to binge." She said "this is like mowing the lawn to get rid of the weeds. The seed, the root, is still below the surface." She is specially trained to use an age regression technique, a deeper work to get rid of the "root". She said I will always be fully aware and fully in control. She can't make me say or do anything that I would not normally do in real life.
~
The subconscious thinks it's bringing us comfort. It kicks in to protect us when it senses anything that it identifies as a potential threat to our physical or emotional self. It is ageless, timeless, does not know "right" or "wrong" and it loves repetition. It cannot be reasoned with through the conscious mind. I know where my food issues began. I was taught to soothe with food and, even though it no longer serves me, it's now my learned behavior even when I don't want it. She said "you can't undo life but you can undo emotions." She said "We were never taught what to DO with all those emotions and how to handle them in a productive and healthy way. So what I will do with you is open the barn door and start shoveling manure until we hit cement!" (I *love* that statement!!)
~
I got a really, really good vibe from her. She told me she usually takes 4-6 sessions with someone. After 4, she will know if it's going to be effective. She's not even 10 minutes away from me at work but each session is 2 hours. I should be able to swing that for 4-6 weeks (once a week). So I made an appointment for a free consultation with her next week to talk more in depth about what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm very interested. I don't know if it will work for me but I feel like I've hit a plateau with therapy. I mean...I LOVE my T, don't get me wrong. But I still feel "stuck" in this same place as far as my eating disorder is concerned and I wonder if maybe this may help me by addressing it in a different way. In fact, I feel very stuck in my conscious mind...I try to intellectualize the problem. I try to reason with it. I can't make that transition to the subconscious, probably one of the reasons that inner child work is near impossible for me. She told me that during hypnosis, senses are enhanced 3-4,000 times what they normally are. I feel like this is worth a try for me and I hope I gain some positive benefit.

Forgiveness

2010-01-05T09:51:00.002-05:00

I just love it when something unexpected happens and it gives me a new perspective.

Forgiveness is something I struggle with. I don't really understand it. Intellectually, I get the concept but I intertwine it with condoning and that makes it difficult for me to grasp.

We've all heard that forgiveness is not for the other person but rather to free ourselves. I didn't really get that until the other day when some bonehead was tailgating me. I think I'm getting old as I find that impatient (or just plain stupid) drivers really get on my nerves. Where does tailgating get you? Does it get you to your destination faster? How does it really pay off? I get angry and I become spiteful. I slow down sometimes just under the speed limit. I make sure to come to a full, 3 second stop. I watch the "offender" in my rear view mirror. I use all this energy and...for what? Who is being the bonehead now??

I felt a twinge of anger and defiance as I pondered my next move. I pulled over and waved the tailgater around me. Did that mean I was condoning his actions? No. It simply meant that I didn't want to waste MY energy worrying about him riding my bumper and I certainly wanted to stop acting childish by playing games on the road.

Hmmm....alot like forgiveness. No more games. No more trying to punish the other person. Because all it does is occupy my mind, sap my energy and surrounds me in negativity. While I felt a momentary sense of indignance letting him pass by me, I was able to quickly let it go with the realization that it brought me peace. Oohhh....that's the point. Tailgater no longer matters.....but I released myself from all that negative energy. I love perspective.

This Is A Test

2009-11-24T15:03:00.003-05:00

This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency, panic attack would shortly ensue followed by rapid consumption of Effexor, Xanax, Rescue Remedy, other assorted medical sundries and large quantities of ice cream.
~
All kidding aside....I feel like this IS a test of some of my new skills of staying grounded, staying present and dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
~
The last time I had to deal with a Child Support issue was in August of 2008. It's been well over a year. I like it that way. I like not having to think about it too much. I do check Bianca's bank account regularly to be sure payments are coming in. For the past 2+ months, payments coming in from her biological father have been less than the ordered amount.
~
While I detest the thought of resurrecting the case, I have little faith in the system after my experiences with it. I've fought tooth and nail for every small victory. So, while the underpayment isn't huge and even though I don't need that money for day to day living, I can't let it go unchecked for long. Today I called Dept of Child Support Enforcement. I spoke to a representative who saw no reason for the underpayments...no obvious change in employment status or anything. He said 99% of the time when this happens, it's a change in salary which prompts a reduction in child support payments because, by law, the non-custodial parent must be allowed to take home a certain percentage of thier pay. I am familiar with this law and I also assume it's the reason for the reduction but instead of "Oh, I see", or "Okay, thanks", I say "Uh huh...?" as in "I'm now waiting for you to tell me what you're going to do about it.....??" Brief silence as the man waits for me to give any indication that I'm going to accept that answer and go away. Shhyeah....right. He's obviously not dealt with me before. Finally he speaks "So, I'll send a letter to his state in order to prompt an inquiry and find out what's up." Great, thanks.
~
In the course of conversation, he asks the obvious question...."Are you in contact with the father at all?" I wish. I wish it were that simple. Don't I wish I could just pick up the phone or jot off an email and say "Hey, what's the story?" This brings up all the feelings I have about how I backed into motherhood. It evokes shame in having to admit that I created a life with a man I essentially did not know. It raises the needle on my "Rejection Meter". I must be unlovable for my daughter's father to have nothing to do with us. In times past, I'd probably cave and write him an email, pointlessly hoping that this time would be different. This time, he'd come clean and tell me the truth. This time, he'd ask about his daughter and how she's doing, maybe want to see a picture. Somehow, magically, the email from me would draw out his paternal feelings and he would turn into a standup guy who wanted to do right by his child.
~
Right now, I'm fighting my anxiety. I do not like to wait. I'm the person who, when the computer is "thinking" with the hourglass, I'm clicking *Enter*Enter*Enter* Click*Click*Click Esc*Esc*Esc* Click*Click*Click....Alt-Ctrl-Delete!!!!! AAAaaagggghhhhh!!!! Waiting is painful for me. So to put this latest inquiry into the hands of overworked strangers who don't give a crap about why he pays me less since he is, after all, still paying me and to know that I will probably wait 6 weeks to even hear that maybe they actually did send a letter to his state after all is tough. To give up my attempts to control, drive or rush resolution gives me angst. The angst is what would generally push me to act hastily and email him. Inevitably, I'd get some BS subpar reply from him which would piss me off even more, send me on some ginormic father tangent and land me on my therapist's couch for an emergency session.
~
Today, I'm grappling with the discomfort of knowing it's out of my hands. I am living with the unease of knowing I cannot control it. I accept, with difficulty, that he's nothing more than a DNA donor and I cannot ever expect anything different. I am not contacting him. I am not taking responsibility for the lying bastard he turned out to be. I'm not calling myself names because I chose to believe his well-rehearsed lines. I will focus on the utter joy that is my dimpled, smiley little girl.
~
This is not about me, or anything I did wrong. It's not about my father and how he abused me. It's simply a question about a court ordered financial arrangement. And despite my propensity to snowball one tiny idea into reliving a lifetime of pain and failures, I'll leave it at that one small question. I'll stay grounded. I'll live in the present. And I'll take one giant step forward into my progress.

You Deserve......

2009-11-18T11:11:00.005-05:00

I let alot of things roll off my back these days. I try not to soapbox TOO much, particularly when it comes to citing societal woes. But there has been a repetitive message lately in media that is really irking me. It's the "You Deserve" message.

I have heard it on the radio:

"...get the lifestyle you deserve."

"...logon to our site for the free gas you deserve."

"...the opportunities you deserve."

"...call now for the free laptop you deserve."

"...because you deserve a stress free life...."

"...the banks are getting it, so call now for the bailout that YOU deserve!"

Or in email:

"Get what you deserve of the government stimulus package"

"You deserve to be debt-free!"

(this one is my favorite) "Get the better breasts that you deserve!"

Entitlement.

It's so ugly. It's such a displaced idea. Why does anyone "deserve" all these things? And why do we need to continually reinforce the idea that people "deserve" all these great things for nothing? Why do you deserve to be debt free if you've run up all your credit cards and spent irresponsibly beyond your means? Why do you deserve a stress free life when everyone else is stressed? What have you done to deserve that? And better breasts??? Jeeez-Louise!!! Why put the idea in my head that a) there is anything wrong with the ones I've got and b) that I was somehow shortchanged and now I am OWED better than what God gave me!!?!?!

Perhaps it makes me angry because I have worked for "things" and I'm perfectly happy with what I have. If I want something, I know I have to plan and find a way to make it happen. I don't think I just deserve to have it just because. Call me crazy or tell me I'm going too far but I think these messages contribute to delinquency and even to crime. I mean what is theft and robbery if not the ultimate declaration of entitlement? You have something I want and I'm taking it from you.

Perhaps it makes me angry because I think it clouds over the simple things that I believe people, children, are actually deserving of.....Love. Protection. Security. Guidance. The things that set them up to become strong, decent, confident adults and send them into the world with head high and priorities straight.

Soapbox

2009-11-06T14:53:00.007-05:00

Okay, I usually stay pretty much on topic but I need to rant for a moment.
~
Question:
What is this a photo of?
Answer:
A) A 10 year old boy cross dresser with severe scoliosis?
or
B) A model for plus size clothing?

They are equally ludicrous, right?? But the answer is...........
B!!

As a woman who shops plus size, I'm appalled by these models.

(Are elbows really supposed to turn out in that direction??)

(Somebody call Ralph Lauren....they won't have to photoshop this chick....)

Really? All the beautiful women in the world and this is what they choose? Does plus size = stupid? Heck yeah, I'm buyin' that blue shirt in size 6XL so I, too, can appear to have a 16 inch waist!! WooHoo, bring on the Pringles and Twinkies!!! :o)

On The Cusp

2009-10-28T16:39:00.005-04:00

I feel as if I'm at the brink of some potentially huge things in my life and in my healing. A crossroads, of sorts.

I have been receiving acupuncture treatments for about 8 weeks now. I sought this avenue in hopes it would help my body energy, my Qi (pronounced Chee), to start moving. It seemed hopelessly stuck and I was holding tremendous tension in a few select areas of my body. I can tell in the short time I've been seeing this Dr that I've had a large improvement. I have had this pain in my shoulder for 10 years and it's been debilitating at times. When I began with this doc, I rated my pain on a 1-10 scale at an 8. Now I rate it at a 3 and there are days I'm pain free. Today he did the official re-evaluation and charted my results against my initial visit. I've had a 40% overall improvement with 13 sessions. Yes, I would say it's working for me! I'm much more in balance. Still not balanced, LOL, but getting better. We've made a plan for the coming 10 weeks which includes my attempting to do some Tai Chi, get more sleep (he gave me a natural sleep aid to help with busy brain nights which I took about 30 minutes ago), and attending a few seminars he gives at his office. Next one is on Trigger Point Stress Reduction....I'm all for that!!

An interesting point. He measures different meridians of the body. Last time, I had 4 that were "deficient" (below normal level). This time I had only one. It's the bladder meridian. Dr asked if I had back pain or urinary issues. Nope. He delves futher into his materials to see what else can cause such a marked deficiency in this area. "Holding onto the past, inability to let go of old ideas" Bingo!!

I feel like my primary goal with him is well on it's way. That was getting the Qi to start moving. Now requires some effort from me which will be harder but I know it's worth it. Now we're approaching dealing with my addiction as the next layer of treatment. In his internship, he worked with crack addicts using acupuncture and was moderately successful. If he can have moderate success with crack....surely there is a possibility for him to alleviate my food issues!? Time will tell. Time....and alot of needles in my ears!

I say I am at a crossroads because, as I heal and change physically, I now face the question of what to do with that emotionally. If I experience emotions and my Qi flows and the feelings are actually being FELT.....now what?? How do I deal with that? Old coping mechanism says "eat. Binge. Stuff those feelings back down where they belong." If my body stops craving food as a means to disocciate and numb out....well then, do I choose to binge anyhow to avoid feeling? Of course the logical answer is NO....but I become scared. When I don't have the urge to binge, I'm frightened and I want to eat just because it's familiar. I know that I need to sit, breathe, relax and deal with the uncomfortable feelings of fear, anxiety, unfamiliarity. Feeling the feelings is still so threatening to me. Why? Really....why?? What do I think I can't deal with at this point? Nothing. Go back to the cause of the deficient bladder meridian.....I'm simply holding onto old thoughts and fears.

Well, the good news is....I have a T appt in 20 minutes so I'll have more to say about that in a bit!!

Well....it's really nothing I didn't already know. The thing is that I KNOW the truth in my head. I understand how illogical it is to be "afraid" to change for the better. I know and want all the right, healthy things. So why, why, why is it so difficult to jump over those branches and get to the other side. Unconscious messages, T says. Truly stuck in the unconscious. She said it's such a compelling theory that it fueled a kinetics study. They found that reversal statements helped release the unconscious negative belief. They found that people who made statements of affirmation, without first doing the reversal statement exercise, actually made their condition worse because it essentially pushed the unconscious belief deeper into the psyche. So T gave me a reversal statement to work on which I am to do at least one, hopefully two, cycles of this every day.

It's never the quick fix, is it? But this is something I struggle with day in, day out.....the things I know in my head vs the things I can't seem to release from my heart. Anything and everything is worth a try to release myself from this prison.

Look In The Mirror

2009-10-08T20:49:00.005-04:00

I had to admit to alot tonight. And it kinda sucked. Okay...it really sucked. But I'm glad to know I can be honest with myself when it's really difficult.
~
I had a phone session with Susan (T) to discuss the prior post and all my confusing feelings about the situation with JH. Susan asked me what I expected when I made these plans with him and I told her that I expected he would keep his plans with us but, if he found he had to cancel, I expected he would let me know and maybe even take the next step to tell Bianca himself. Susan said that my expectations here were reasonable and JH demonstrated that he could not get out of his own way in this situation. Perhaps he was being naive and didn't think through what the court date would mean to his ability to keep his plans. Clearly he handled it badly in communicating to me what was going on. She said maybe he was even trying to "avoid disappointing" us by not coming out and saying "I can't make it." Man thinking, I guess.
~
In any case, I talked about Bianca's disappointment and her emotions and how hard it was for me to help her through that. I was angry at him for bringing this into her world that day. "Hey," Susan says....."first of all, disappointment is a human experience and no one can be protected from it. Second, it's YOUR job to think about Bianca's feelings." Ouch. Susan went on to say that she can't speak for what Bianca is feeling but it's important for ME to work through what I am feeling. What AM I feeling? I don't know what is old and what is new. Susan asked did I feel young when feeling those feelings? If you feel young, the feelings are old. Yes, part of me did feel very young, crushed, dismissed, unimportant. Another part of me just felt "Mama Bear" angry and the rest of me felt stupid for setting this up to begin with.
~
She goes on to say "JH is not her father. He's not YOUR father. He's just a man who had a bad day." The issue was not so much he couldn't go but how he went about it. And there has been this huge expectation backloaded into the mix because of the role "assigned" to him, to be her Godfather. But this is a role and title he ASKED for. Here's what it breaks down to....because of the lack of a father figure, giving him this role now symbolizes something huge. And that gives it enormous power. I want it too much. I need to accept what is. Accepting what is for her really starts with accepting what is for me. JH can't do what he thought he could do and I've now created an inconsistency for her with him. He can't be this powerful emotional presence in her life. He's my friend who visits sometimes. I was not realistic. I didn't keep myself grounded in this. My expectations are so high for anyone involved with her. I feel like a complete and total ass for believing this would work out how I wanted. It seems the harder I try to fill this spot in her life, the more I teach her that people can't be counted on. I've done that to her. That's on me. There is a big trust/distrust issue that comes into play for me anytime a man is involved. Old stuff.
~
I said to Susan "I see this VOID in her life but the truth is it's MY void and I feel responsible to fill it for her." I guess I don't believe I'm enough for her? You know, I chose this path willingly but naively. I chose to bring her into this world a single Mom. I heard her bio-father's words that he was not going to be involved. Somehow in the back of my head I thought either he would come around or I'd find someone else to be a father for her while she was still a baby. Yes, I chose single motherhood but with a completely unrealistic and idealistic expectation for the future. For someone who has been kicked around as much as I have, I sure have some high-ass, Pollyanna, happy-ending optimism, don't I? I am struggling in accepting what is because it's not what I'd planned. Susan said to me "You have to believe she's going to be okay." Ouch again....I realize now that I *don't* believe she's going to be okay. Because I'm not okay. But by holding onto that, I will make SURE she is not okay. At the very least, I just need to accept that she will have a missing piece but I can't feel guilty for wanting to give her life even though it's not "Perfect". Focus on the joy. I'm dwelling in the pain, it's my pain, not hers but I'm going to project it onto her. Susan says you have to feel it but move through it. Come back to present moment.
~
I said it's so hard for me to navigate conversations with Bianca when she talks about missing her Daddy or wishing she had a dad or a grandfather. Susan suggested I just say "I understand" and then distract her. I hate doing that because I don't want to seem dismissive. She said it's okay to validate and move on. I help her work through it by not dwelling on it with her. She gave me a couple more suggestions but said this is too heavy a topic for me and I should not engage with Bianca in a discussion unless it's absolutely necessary and driven by her. Even then, if she's struggling, I should have her see a therapist. (The following exchange was serious, but lighthearted....as I look back on it, I see where it could come across as harsh if I don't explain that. I was laughing and crying at the same time while talking to her.)
Susan said "You have to stay out of her emotional current! Get on dry land....stay out of it! She's not a 'project' for crying out loud!!" She told me to let her live her life and quit seeing the deficit.
I said "But when I look at her, I see ME."
She said "Then quit looking at her and go look in the mirror for heaven's sake!!!"
~
Phew....that was an emotionally packed hour. The more I try to make her life "perfect", the worse I screw it up for her. Why can't I just let it be and let her enjoy her life?? By my actions, I keep telling her she's missing something. I tell her I'm not enough; we are not enough. When will I learn my lesson? When will I accept in my heart that things are just as they were meant to be and we have everything we need?? When will I leave my hurts in the past where they belong and quit dragging them into her little world? I feel like such a failure right now. And I can only plead that "Love makes you stupid"....apparently that is true for non-romantic love as well. I love that child so much and I just want her to be happy. But I'm working too hard to make it happen and losing sight of the fact that we have all we need already. I've sure put alot of energy into making a mess of things.

??????????

2009-10-03T23:10:00.000-04:00

My head has been reeling for the past 24+ hours.

I've been friends with "JH" for six years. His life has been through some turmoil the past few. I've always done my best to be supportive on his terms, the way I know he prefers.

About six months ago, Bianca was going through a rough time with father issues. I reached out to JH, who is a father, for advice. He asked me if he could be more involved in her life. He asked me if he could be her GodFather. I considered it. I told him my concerns and I made him promise me that he would take this seriously b/c I can't have another man in her life to let her down. He promised. And at first he did well. The last time we had plans, about 3 weeks ago, he cancelled on us. He asked if we could make plans for today, going to a huge fair.

The turmoil I mentioned above involves custody issues with his ex. It's been ugly for sure. He had court yesterday. Apparently it was a bad day in court and he ended up not coming today. He didn't even come out and tell me. He was being cryptic about it and when I asked him to black & white it for me, he didn't respond. I'm sure, in his (Mars) world, he was clear.....but in my (Venus) world, I was confused. I don't do vague.
~
I'm struggling with feeling angry at him but not understanding if I have the "right" to. He knew he had court when he suggested these plans. He knows how it goes everytime he sees her in court. He did say this was worse than he expected it to be. Here's where I get muddled. In theory I can understand taking care of yourself & your own needs. But it's not something I often do. So I'm sitting here wondering is he doing something healthy & "normal?" Am I being unreasonable that I expect him to put that aside & keep his promise? That is what I would do. Hard for me to understand making a choice for self over the promise to a child. I would feel different if it was just plans for me and him. (I think)

Making matters worse Bianca would not express emotion about it at first. She was trying not to show her teary eyes. I was trying to get her to identify how she felt. She got angry & said she didn't feel anything then said she wanted to be alone. I left her alone & she started sobbing. So did I. I went back to her room to show her I was crying too, that it was ok to feel sad and cry. She got onto my lap, hugged me and cried. I'm pissed at him for disappointing my baby. PISSED. And if he felt he had to do it, I wish he would have been man enough to say hey, have her call me in the morning so I can tell her and you don't have to be the one to break the news.

~
And I realize the irony in what I said. I'm upset that Bianca feels the need to repress emotions & I'm angry at JH for not repressing his in order to suck it up & go to the fair! I can't make sense of what are my issues & what are the feelings from his actions. Why I'm entitled to feel my feelings but I'm angry with him for how he's acting on his. I don't know what is appropriate for me to share with him about what I'm feeling. And I'm afraid if I tell him I'm angry then he won't be my friend anymore....yeah I know the answer to that last part. I'm feeling vulnerable & I detest it. Feelings. *spit*
~
I'm angry at myself for putting faith in him, for encouraging Bianca to have faith in him. I'm angry at him for consciously committing to be the good-influence, male role model in her life and then breaking his word to her. I feel like this is further "evidence" that people can't be trusted. And frankly, the last thing in the world Bianca needs in her life is another man who can't keep his word. I know this steps on the toes of my own father/men issues and the line is very blurry but mostly I am angry about being left to explain it to Bianca and having to make excuses and comfort the disappointment she's feeling at the actions of someone else. I'm disgusted that he would break his word to her......it's incomprehensible to me and I have no idea if those feelings are completely wrong or displaced. It makes me want to run away from him because I'm hurt and I like to run from people who hurt me and never give them the chance again. Except now I've glorified him in my daughter's mind and I'm just really, really ANGRY at myself for doing that. I am embarassed that his promise to me/her means so little. Like it's another stamp of my apparent unlovability. And for some reason I don't understand at all, I feel intense shame when having to tell my mother about this. Not even trying to delve into that part yet.
~
I totally want to call him and make him feel guilt. I wanted to send pix messages of Bianca crying or have her call JH and ask why he's not here. Then I feel like a creep & bad selfish friend that I want to kick him when he's feeling down!!! Its very conflicting. I don't understand what to do with any of it.

Balance

2009-09-17T10:59:00.004-04:00

Balance: stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis; equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements; equality between the totals of the two sides of an account; physical equilibrium; the ability to retain one's balance
~
What is this strange feeling? Relaxation? Yes....but there's more. *Gasp* It's balance. I feel balanced.
~
I went for an acupuncture treatment this morning. It was my fourth, if you count the disastrous first experience as a treatment. Which I actually do even though it was not fun. Today....today was better than fun. It verged on magical. It was, dare I say, spiritual. I'm happy to say that I respond really well to acupuncture. So fast that even the Dr is impressed! He put my needles in, felt my pulse and said one was strong and another weak. Asked if I would mind one more needle. Nope, no problem...make me into a porcupine if you want!! He pops the needle in and immediately feels my pulse again and it's already balanced out! He turns down the lights and leaves me for 20 minutes of zen-bliss!!
~
I felt so in touch, so aware yet so peaceful and relaxed at the same time. I, again, had the odd sensations of being "crooked." This time was really strange because my head felt like it was bent as far to the side as it could go yet I could not tell which side it felt bent toward! The longer I was there, the deeper my relaxation. By the time the session was over, I was on the verge of nodding off but I felt like a new woman! It really did take me a few minutes to recognize that the subsequent feeling was balance. I don't often (err umm EVER) feel balanced. Wow, what a lovely feeling!
~
After the session, I grabbed some Starbucks and had a 45 minute drive to think. My BFF, Jennie, has undergone some major progress in her emotional health lately. I'm going to admit that there is part of me that is a little envious of that. Last weekend something happened to her that she was happy about and I did not think it was as great as she did. I realized I've been almost hovering around waiting for some sort of "fallout" on her part. Waiting there to pick up the pieces because that's been one of my roles in her life for a long time. It has gotten better over time and I'd say we've reached a point in the past year or so where it's not totally unhealthy but today I was able to see that there is still an element of codependency there for me. When I'm helping her pick up the pieces of her life, I don't have to think about my own. When she is the one emoting all her fears, frustrations, disappointments there is no room for me to consider my own. I get to fix hers instead. Now that she seems to be really pulling herself together, I think about how that changes our "dance" and how it affects my world. Will I now be the "unstable" one? Will the pressure now be on me to do all the feeling, crying, venting, leaning? Yikes.
~
On the other hand, I find myself really inspired by her progress and it makes me excited to do my own work. She could not have had a happier childhood or more loving parents. Sure they made their mistakes by virtue of being very young when they had her. But they are wonderful people. Our backgrounds are polar opposite so how we ended up with some of the same insecurities is a mystery that makes us both laugh! In any case, I've always taken the role of "big sis" or the "stronger" one. Now I see where she is and I feel that shifting. The prospect of now being the "weaker" one, and leaning on her for help or guidance, is not just unfamiliar.....it's dreadful. I'm not sure how I'm adapting to that. For me, and I'm sure many of you will relate to this, my "strength" is nothing more than my mask. It's nothing more than the sheer force of my determination not to let my feelings get the better of me. Not to be vulnerable. My strength is really my biggest weakness. The strongest, bravest thing I can do is to fall apart and let go. I feel like I'm being challenged....whether it's out of inspiration or competitiveness is another question. I'm not so sure it matters, though, as long as I get to where I need to be. As I proofread this, the thought occurs to me that I don't know why I need to think of us in terms of stronger/weaker instead of just equal individuals with each our own set of traits. I'm going to focus on that! And on the fact that I have her, and a few other "safe" friends who I know I can let down my guard with and not be judged.
~
I haven't seen my T in a few weeks. Since Bianca started school and sports it's been tough to find a mutually agreeable time. I feel in need of her perspective. With the support of acupuncture and getting back into a regular schedule with her, I feel ready to come off my Effexor. I'm hoping to use one of the long holiday weekends to finish that process which means I'll need to start weaning in the next month or two. Which means I have to see my GP Dr. Which means I have to face medical issues I've been avoiding with her. Which means I want to find out when the acupuncture doc will be able to start working on addiction points (those are in the ears....not sure how I feel about needles in my ears!!). It's all tied up in a cyclical pattern which on any other given day could make me crazy and not want to deal with any of it. But I told myself this AM I will not let anything disturb my balance today. So I'm going to remember to breathe deeply and deal with it. One. Step. At. A. Time.

The Well is Empty

2009-09-05T10:13:00.001-04:00

So....I survived Thursday and Bianca's first day. I cried for hours after dropping her off. Not just cried, like shedding tears. I sobbed. Wailing sobs. For hours.
~
This is not something that is typical of me. At All. I generally reserve my emotions and cut off or stifle tears as quickly and rigidly as possible. This was beyond control. First of all, the last few weeks have been full of anxiety in preparation for that day. We had a long day on Weds. I barely slept Weds night because I was anxious and I was starting to get sick. All my strengths were down. As I wrote about in my previous post, dropping Bianca off at Kindergarten triggered me in all kinds of ways and the tears that ensued were a deep release of old, tightly bottled pain. I couldn't eat anything that morning. I was feeling pretty weak and run down when I headed off to my first acupuncture appointment.
~
I assumed this was good timing for acupuncture. I felt like I was in a relaxed state after all that had happened so it would follow naturally I'd continue to be relaxed through the appointment. I was very excited for my first experience and to see what it was like. I was also excited for the 20 minutes in a dark room to reach a deep state of relaxation. So my Dr. comes in and explains the process. He tells me he is going to start easy with just a few points and work more on some of my peripheral issues as opposed to jumping into core issues. We're really laying a groundwork at the moment. So I feel a tap on my head like center of the forehead but above the hairline. He asks me how that was and I tell him I felt nothing but a tap. Excellent!! I've mentioned before that I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot. He squeezes a point on my right wrist, tells me to move my left shoulder & how does it feel? Sore, as always. Okay, squeezes another point on my right wrist, now how does the left shoulder feel? Ummmmm....it feels....good?!? So he pops me with a needle in that spot. Proceeds to put in a few more in each wrist/hand and a few more in my lower legs. Only one point "hurt" and I use that for lack of a better word. It was more just like I was aware of an unfamiliar sensation in that spot. Funny to note that, hours later, that spot was madly itchy!
~
Anyway, he takes off my glasses and puts them somewhere on the counter. He turns down the lights to almost nil and tells me to relax, take a nap if I want. I need to "cook" for 20 minutes. So I'm laying there and sensations start abounding. I feel sort of floaty, spinny sensations. I feel "crooked" like my body is in a zigzag pattern. That has happened to me before with body energy work. Next I start to feel like the inside of my chest is cold, like I have a Vicks VapoRub under my skin! Aaaand then I start to feel a little clammy and unpleasant. I lay there, I breathe. Oh boy.....not good. Trying not to disturb the needles, I get up from the table and try to find my glasses which....you know...without them on, I can't see where they are! I feel my way over to the door and poke my head out with a meek "Excuse me??" The Dr comes running and I tell him I am feeling very nauseous. I ask him if he can pop another needle somewhere to help alleviate that and he says "I think we're past that point already" and tells me I don't look so good. He takes all the needles out, asks me if I want some water and I say no, I'm going to be sick. Holy moly......I was violently sick. VI-O-LENT!! When done, I am clinging to his sink, sweating, shaking. He asks if I want to sit down on the table. I say "No" and collapse on the floor. He and his assistant help me get my bearings and I lay down on the table. I ask "How many times has that happened??" None....of course. I'm the first in his seven years of practice. Excellent....love being a trendsetter!
~
He said he knows I felt "relaxed" when I came in but in actuality, I was running on fumes. The well is Empty!! He pointed out I had not slept, I had not eaten and I'd had a massive "emotional purge" that morning. He said I was really functioning on adrenaline alone. When he tapped into my relaxation core and some digestive points, my blood sugar plummeted which he believes was responsible for the vomiting and hence a physical purge as well. He said the good news is that now we know you are highly receptive to acupuncture. Perhaps a little TOO receptive!! So they gave me some juice and had me hang out for a while before they would let me drive. I was supposed to go straight from there to pick up Bianca but I decided to take some self care, me-time. I went to Panera and got a bowl of soup and recuped. I go back on Tuesday morning for session #2 and, this time, someone is staying in the room with me!!!!
~
Ending on a bright note, I went to pick up Bianca at the after school program and she didn't want to leave! She made a friend who happens to live right in our complex and really enjoyed herself. We were both exhausted last night and fell asleep on the couch together at 7pm! Dropoff this morning was easier on me, for sure. She was a little clingy but no tears. I can't wait to see her later and hear all about her day. And looking forward to a long weekend.

1st Day of School: Major Triggers

2009-09-03T10:49:00.003-04:00

I am feeling a lifetime of emotional pain today. I feel like I abandoned my baby and it's triggering me in fully unexpected and excruciating ways.

Bianca has been pretty vocal about not wanting to start Kindergarten. Her 5th birthday was last week and she cried much of the day that she didn't want to be 5. She doesn't want to go to Kindergarten, doesn't like Kindergarten, doesn't like new friends, etc, etc, etc. Yesterday we took a day off for "Mommy/Bianca Fun Day" which was really nice. I was pushing the subject of Kindergarten pretty hard for a while but decided to back off in the last week or so. Yesterday, she mentioned something about starting K and I said "I'm so excited for you" to which she solemnly replied "I'm not."

She was the same this morning. Didn't want to go. I tried to keep things light and positive, as well as just matter-of-fact in an empathetic way. I hear and understand what you're saying....we'll get through this and we'll both be okay! We read The Kissing Hand last night and gave each other heart stickers from the book this morning to signify that our love stays with one another all day even when we're apart. Things were a little muddled this AM. I had to run out & grab her a notebook before school. Weren't sure where we were going or what the time schedule was. Eventually we made our way over to her classroom. I was pleased to see her teacher was the same woman who did her evaluation in the spring. She seems very nice. I also met the two TA's. Bianca actually, though somewhat clingy, did much better than I expected. She definitely likes the classroom. There is alot to see and do and she was playing with some of the things and exploring. Several times, she said she didn't want me to leave. She was holding onto me but not crying. I, on the other hand, had to take many, many extra pictures of her (not exactly a hardship) in order to hide my tears behind the camera so she would not see me!!

Once pledge of allegiance and morning announcements were over, it was time for parents to leave and kids to start class. I hugged & kissed her, kissed her Kissing Hand heart sticker, told her I loved her and would see her later, have a great day and I bolted from the room, not looking back. I have no idea if she was crying or how she felt. I cried all the way to the car, garnishing a few encouraging words from other parents along the way, got into my car and just sobbed. Sobbed. Sobbed. I called my friend for support and she was trying valiantly to calm me down. I was able to verbalize that I didn't need reason. I can do the calm rationale by myself. It's emotions that I don't do well and I really just needed to let them out. I was spewing all kinds of nonsensical hysteria when it came to the surface......I feel like I abandoned her. I ran out on her when she needed or wanted me. Triggers, triggers, triggers. Old stuff, old stuff, old stuff.

In my head, I know I did the right thing. The quick exit is the only way to go to not prolong the agony. In my heart, I feel like I just ran out on my baby when she needed me and I'm leaving her to fend for herself in a scary new world. In about 30 minutes, she's going to have to transition to the after school program where she will get onto a bus full of people she doesn't know and go to another new place, with another set of new kids. And I won't even be there to walk her in and help her get set up. She just turned 5 for heaven's sake!! I know, in my head, this is all age appropriate independence, and that there are wonderful people around her to assist her, but I can't help but worry she will feel like I ran out on her. That I am not there for her. Or like she's being forced to grow up too fast and take care of her own needs. I don't want to shelter her but I want to be there for her. And I feel like I'm not. Which triggers me in all my old stuff. I *SO* did not expect this feeling. It's bringing up my own abandonment issues, remembering that I was expected to be a pint-sized adult and deal with my own problems. Remembering that my parents were not there for me when I needed help or protection. I know I need to sort my issues away from her situation or else I will make this harder on her than it needs to be. I did not in any way anticipate this kind of reaction on my part. Oh the joy of PTSD. (spit)

I am supposed to be working from home but I'm a freaking mess. I am going for my first acupuncture appointment in about 9o minutes. I'm hoping that will help me relax. And, oh how convenient, the acupuncture center is about 5 minutes up the road from Bianca's after school program. So I will be picking her up early today and probably smothering her (or cracking a few ribs) with ginormous hugs and kisses. I seriously need to pull my shit together before then because I'm still crying like a loon. The love for this child is suffocating, entirely overwhelming and all-consuming. She is my world and I just so want for her to be happy and enjoy her childhood. It's a horrible and out-of-control feeling right now wondering what is happening and how she's doing. Wondering if she's crying, scared, missing me? I know, I know, I know that she will be alright in the end. And I know I can't protect her from life. And I know she is not me and her circumstances, feelings and fears are not the same as mine were.

I'm in agony right now. I recognize that it's primarily pain for me. For the 5 year old in me who wonders why she wasn't good enough or loved enough to be protected.

(Not)Welcome to School

2009-09-03T09:40:00.004-04:00

It has been a very emotional few weeks. Bianca has been pretty vocal about not wanting to start Kindergarten. We had to say goodbye to her daycare/Pre-K where she has been for 4 1/2 years. Not easy for either of us. They have been her friends and teachers for so long. I've finally started to make some good friends with the other parents and I've watched all those kids grow up. I love them all so much.

We went to Kindergarten orientation last spring and the school encouraged us to stop by in the two weeks before the first day to meet staff, see classrooms, etc. Knowing full well that I have a child who needs time to acclimate, I fully intended to take them up on that!! Worth mentioning that Bianca gets that trait from me.... :o) So I also wanted the opportunity to meet people and make myself, and Bianca, known. As a working Mom, it's tough to take time off but I'm blessed with an easy going and family friendly boss so I did take a few mornings to stop by. Each time I've gone, I've had a lovely conversation....with the secretary. Because she's the only one ever there. No teachers, no school nurse (who I needed to talk to about Bianca's minor medical issues & drop off medication to). Furthermore, we didn't find out who her teacher was until Saturday, this past weekend. So it's not like I could even show her her classroom!

Once we got her teacher assignment, I went to the school Monday morning but there were "no teachers" in the school. They were all at a development meeting. Yesterday, I called in the AM so that I didn't waste another trip and was told, again, no teachers in the building. All in a meeting. As well as I could maintain myself, I told the secretary I realized this has nothing to do with her however....WHY tell the parents they are encouraged to visit when no one is here? Either they need to be upfront that we're not meeting our teachers til school starts or actually be here when they say they will be.

Lovely secretary says to me "Mrs. is wonderful, she's warm and kind. Your daughter will be fine." Yes, thank you....I'm well aware that she will be fine once she gets used to her new environment. Is that a reason, though, to mislead me with expectations? And more importantly....this is MY BABY. If you think, for one second, I am handing her over to your care without ever having met the staff she will be with day in and day out, you have another thing coming. A HUGE 'nother thing coming. In more precise terms....no fucking way.

I called my friend Jermaine b/c I know he has #1) been through this with his own kids and #2) has worked as an educator, albeit for college age. I asked him....am I unreasonable? I mean, I realize that she, and all her classmates, will all be fine at some point. Is that a reason, though, to not go an extra mile to actually WELCOME the kids and try to alleviate some anxieties ahead of time? Particularly at transitional years like Kindergarten? My dear friend says "Welcome to Public Academia..... And you've just learned a valuable lesson. You've just learned that Bianca's school is 'faculty friendly' as opposed to 'family friendly'." He guarantees me that the teachers were in the school preparing for class and that the secretary's job on those days is to shield them from the parents.

Before I enrolled Bianca, I researched all the schools in the district. There are 14 elementary schools in my town. I am fortunate that Bianca is in arguably the best one, or at least one of the top two. One of the statistics I liked was 100% teacher retention for her school. Now I'm not so sure that's as good as I once thought. #1 - it does imply a "faculty friendly" school. I will keep my mind open to the possibility that it doesn't necessarily negate family friendly as well. And #2 - maybe it means the teachers have been there so long that they are "too comfortable" and don't feel the need to put any extra effort toward the families. I'm sure they are lovely, qualified educators. But perhaps they have lost sight of how big a role they are now playing not only in the lives of our children but in OUR (parents) lives as well. At this age, they are more than teachers; they have become a primary caregiver.

So, I'm off to join the PTA/PTO and see if I can't drum up a little buzz around this. My friend Jermaine gave me many good pointers for my first interactions with her teacher(s). He said he will walk me through this step by step so that her teacher knows if she has only one shred of energy/time left at the end of the day, *Bianca's* Mom is the parent she knows she needs to get back to above all others. Heck, yeah!!!!!!!!!

System Overload

2009-09-01T12:36:00.000-04:00

I had T on Weds night. Discussed a few minor topics. The afore mentioned "Not Hungry" not being one of them, of course. Funny how those things slip your mind as you sit on the therapist couch.......
~
The thing I did come back to discussing, reluctantly, was this constant feeling of failure in every aspect of my world. It's most prevalent at work. I am so behind and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. In fact, it's getting worse. The worse it gets, the less I want to deal with it. I am overwhelmed with various tasks that are all different yet all important. I feel literally paralyzed in my ability to just choose a task, choose a direction to go and follow through. Seems on the rare occasions that I do choose a task to tackle, I am thwarted either by the appearance of a new task or I realize that there is something I need to complete first in order to finish the task I set out to do. When things get this enmeshed and complicated, I shut down. And I then play and goof off on the computer. And then I feel intense guilt. Which makes me want to goof off more so that I don't have to think about it.
~
On Weds, before T, I thought I had a revelation. I thought the computer is my "daytime addiction." When I don't feel like dealing with the reality of what a mess my office is, I zone out and play games. Since I can't binge at work like I do at night, I wrap myself up in something else. ~
I went to share this with Susan on Weds night and she was kind enough to inform me that I'm "normal" Huh? Me, normal? That's not something I'm generally accused of. Although she did also tell me I was a control freak....that's a more familiar observation of myself! But normal? No. She asks what happens to a computer when you give it too many commands and tasks all at the same time? SYSTEM OVERLOAD.....

And what happens when the system overloads? It shuts down. This is not unique to me. Not unique to addicts, trauma victims or people with depression/anxiety issues. It's "normal." What is NOT normal is that I inflict this state of chaos on myself and expect that I will be able to handle it all in stride, perfectly, professionally, calmly, admirably. Withdrawing due to feeling overwhelmed may be normal but the expectations I place on myself to be extraordinary are what is all messed up. And self defeating. As long as I set unattainable goals, I will remain a "failure."

So how, exactly, does one set about doing this? I've never known any different.

Not Hungry

2009-08-31T12:55:00.002-04:00

Things have been crazy around here. I've not blogged but it's certainly not due to lack of material!

Starting back last weekend, Friday Aug 21st. I'd planned Bianca's birthday party for Sat the 22nd. Now, every single year it has rained on the day of Bianca's party. I went out on a limb this year and planned an outdoor beach party but I put a backup party plan in place in case the weather phenomenon continued this year. Naturally, we seemed to be in the path of the hurricane this year and bad weather was looking imminent. No worries, I thought....I have my backup plan in place!

The weather was bad Friday night and I ended up losing power at about 9pm. Right as I was getting all the food ready for the morning. *sigh* Afraid to open the fridge and let any cold air out, I decided to go to bed early so I could get up early since certainly the power would be back on by then. Oh what a night. Bianca was scared because it was so dark. I put candles in my bedroom and she slept in my bed. It was so dead quiet that I could hear the neighbors and every little creak & groan. It was about 90 degrees with no air or fans and Bianca kept snuggling closer and closer to me. Then the power company showed up around 2am and started digging right outside my unit. I did not sleep at all. Come 5am, I got up. Still no power. Weather questionable. Hot as blazes. I have a migraine. I'm worried about the food in my fridge and if it's gone bad. I get us both ready and as I'm about to start packing the car, the power comes back on. I'm frantically trying to put food on serving platters and I'm calling my contacts for the beach party to see if the weather dictates cancellation. I'm sick to my stomach. They are on the fence, tell me it's up to me. I'm carrying, packing, driving, calling, checking weather on radio & blackberry. If you live in this area, you will know a common local saying which is "If you don't like the weather in New England....wait a minute." Things change so quickly. I was so stressed out trying to figure out what to do and I finally made the executive decision to have the party at the backup location. Now, I'm driving, trying to listen to my GPS, passing bagels & milk to Bianca in the back seat, checking my party list and emailing or calling all the parents to tell them of change in plans while also trying to drink coffee and drive with my elbows. Fun. I will *NEVER* again book an outdoor party!!

Party itself turned out to be a blast and the kids all had a great time at a small, family owned arcade. I worked hard during the party and was happy for some downtime afterwards where Bianca and I hung out and played games by ourselves. It absolutely torrentially downpoured on our way home and we had to make a mad dash for the door in the rain. I wanted to wait it out in the car but it was "too loud" for Bianca. She wanted to go inside. I was exhausted. I had not eaten anything all day. I'd had coffee & diet coke. And I'd forgotten my Effexor the night before. I was a mess.

So here I have ALL this food in my house.....sanwiches, salads, cake, cookies, chips, etc....and the last thing I want to do is eat. Except I have ALL this food in my house and I begin to panic that I don't feel like eating. This is a completely foreign feeling to me. I know I've not eaten and I should have some protein. I feel mildly nauseous which is likely attributable to exhaustion and the migraine "hangover". I am literally trying to convince myself to go binge. Why? I was in a panic about all the food and if I don't start eating it in my usual methodical way it might go bad. Which in my mind, equals my "rejecting" food. And I may not have this opportunity again with this volume of food available to me at once so I need to take advantage! Except I really did not want to eat. Yet I was in a total nonsensical panic about that feeling.

It was utterly bizarre, a definite first time feeling for me. But it reaffirms some of my past statements about the fact that Food is my relationship. I felt an obligation to "take care" of the food and be sure it's existence served purpose. To not reject it. To give equal attention to all the different foods. And in my feeling like I was not up to the task, I began to panic and try to convince myself this is what I needed to do instead of just respecting how I was feeling at the moment. Further, I think the panic was likely fueled because if I did respect my wish to not eat, what if I had to start feeling something or dealing with feelings?? Oh, the horror!

Unfortunately I've not had any trouble eating since then......but it was an interesting bump in my path that deserves some more thought and understanding.

Qi - Body Energy

2009-08-13T21:55:00.005-04:00

So I took a step in a new direction today. I went to my first appointment at a natural health center. The Dr was actually recommended to me by Susan, my T.

It went SO great!!! I'm in love with the Dr! He's so sweet and gentle. He said he'd never done such a quick intake because I had all my facts in a row and a 100% clear goal of what I wanted to accomplish. I told him he could credit Susan with that! He said that I am the perfect candidate for acupuncture and he loves to use it for cases like mine.

He did something called a Digital Meridian Analysis on my meridian points which measures the energy at meridan points. Some things were better than others. He said it really mirrored what I told him about what I experience. Funny, I was looking at the notes he made before we went to do the DMA and he wrote down "LI meridian". As I look at the paperwork he gave me, I see why! It says:

Your Large Intestine Meridian energy is excessive. Energetic disturbances in the LI meridian may involve oe or more of the following emotional factors: holding onto the past, fear of letting go, crying, compulsion to neatness, defensiveness.

Excessive chi in the LI meridian may indicate a potential for stiff shoulder, tooth/jaw ache, dizziness.

Stiff shoulder? That's my #1 stress spot and causes me chronic pain.

He was even able to tell me, by looking at the readings, my peak stress hours and what time I go to bed! I'm setting up a series of 3 acupuncture treatments and then we re-evaluate. Said he usually sees the biggest changes after 8-12 appointments but everyone is different. He did say that since we're dealing with a lifelong issue, it may take longer but not necessarily.

Oh, he also told me about his internship where he used acupuncture on crack addicts and had positive results in overcoming addiction. So he will use some of those techniques on me to help with the food addiction. He also worked at 9/11 Ground Zero to help survivors and trauma workers with PTSD and has been using acupuncture to treat returning soldiers for PTSD.

I'm happy it went so well....now let's just see if I have results!! If nothing else, he said most people feel very rejuvenated and in balance after a session. Oh, when he measure my overall results on a chart, I was at a 28.5 measurement of energy balance. That's 28.5...out of 100!! So, I'm pretty out of synch, no shocker there! I'm really looking forward to starting my treatments!!

My New Job

2009-08-05T23:34:00.011-04:00

So I went to T tonight all hot on the topic of why thoughts from my past still reign in my mind. Why is it I can see all the negative, all the failures but I rarely allow myself to acknowledge a job well done? And when I DO allow myself to feel good about something I've accomplished, I immediately knock that down with reminders of all those things I've not done well.
~
I threw this out there for Susan to explain to me and she did so in blunt and direct fashion. She said (loudly, I may add!) "Because you don't dispute it!!" She added "Kim, it's time for you to self-parent."
~
Earlier we'd been discussing Bianca's upcoming transition to Kindergarten and I was talking about some of the fears Bianca has expressed. I described how I allow her time to talk about her feelings, I ask her questions to try to help both of us understand her anxieties. I validate her feelings and I offer her reassurance or encouragement that we'll get through it just fine. When Bianca tries something and gets frustrated that she can't do it, I lightly validate her frustration that it's tough to do new things. I help her breathe away the negative and force myself to ooze patience out of my pores!! I parent her with love, care, understanding, an open heart, patience.
~
When the "girl" inside of ME pipes up with a fear or a doubt, I beat her down into a pulp, berate her, insult her, shame her. I abuse her. I have remarked many times that my father only wanted to be a "parent" when I'd done something he could criticize. Well, looky whose footsteps I follow in when parenting myself. Even though in my parenting of Bianca, I see that I'm actually a very nurturing and good Mom! I also need to consciously remember, daily, that the way my father treated me had nothing to do with ME. I never did anything to deserve that treatment and there is no reason I need to keep reliving, and enforcing, his hateful and destructive messages.
~
Time to befriend myself. Time to view my inner child as the same innocent, decent, pure child that Bianca is and time to start treating myself the way I'd treat any other person I love. Time to dispute those negative and self-defeating thoughts. Time to love myself and nurture myself. This is my new "job." I'm gonna work it overtime and I'm gonna kick ass!!

Brick House

2009-08-05T11:03:00.000-04:00

Being a Mom of an almost 5-year old, I get to read alot of books, stories and fairy tales. Recently, we read The Three Little Pigs and it struck me from a different perspective. (The perspective of a girl who has been in therapy for years!) Sometimes I think that entertaining childrens stories have some really important messages in them for the adults who are reading them aloud. (See here for another great example of this.)

In dreams, houses represent your own soul and self. The condition of the home sets the tone of the context. An old run down house may indicate old thoughts, beliefs or situations. A brand new house may mean you're entering a new phase of your life. So what does a weak house mean? The straw house, the stick house. Houses obliterated by a mere huff and a puff? I think of these as houses built on the quick without a proper foundation, materials or tools. Someone who tried to take the easy way out and get it overwith without having to put in the time, expense and hard work.

Such is life, self awareness and the process of healing. If we go for the quick-fix, our houses will crumble when confronted or tested. As arduous and unappealing as it can seem at many points along the journey, we need to put in the time to lay the proper foundation and add to it brick by brick until our house can stand up to that which tries to destroy it. So, Huff and Puff away, big bad wolf. Our houses will not come down.

Dreams

2009-08-04T12:16:00.000-04:00

I was looking for a document this afternoon and I came across a paper that had a few of my dreams written down on it. As far as I can tell, it's from spring of 2002.

The dreams are pretty obvious in their meanings. They are saturated with blatant themes of abuse, broken trust, vulnerability, fear, abandonment. One of them I still remember *quite* vividly.

On a day to day basis, as you can see in the post below, I struggle with accepting that what happened to me was "really abuse" or believing that it was bad. I minimize it. I question my memory. I question my own involvement in what happened. I am ashamed that it's still an issue in my life. I blame myself. In my heart, I still do.

It is only when I have dreams such as these that I can allow in the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I was really abused. Maybe it really did happen the way I remember it. Maybe it really was bad and maybe everything I've gone through was not my own fault. I think I may be afraid that I've made it up or embellished it in my own mind since everyone else downplayed it. When I have these dreams that my conscious mind has no control over then I think yes, something definitely happened and I'm not making it up.

Why do I need dreams in order to believe my reality??

FAILURE

2009-08-03T12:05:00.001-04:00

I feel like such a failure lately. All I can see are the many things I have not accomplished. My failures do not define me?? Pphhhhhhbbbbbbbttttttt. Yeah, right. When it seems like all there is to me, you can bet your ass they define me. At least in my own mind.

It's been a couple of hours since I started this post. I just returned to it, ready to rattle off my list of wrong-doings that clearly evidence what a mess I am. I re-read my first thought and when I read the "At least in my own mind" line, I thought "which part of my mind is that? Is it the 5 year old? The 8 year old? The 12 year old?" I recognize this as my father's influence on how I judge myself. You're no good, you can't do anything right, you're stupid, selfish, worthless, lazy. Yet the 40 year old part of me really, really struggles with "blaming" my father for this. I am a grown up. When do I take responsibility for me instead of calling my flaws someone elses doing? This is a difficult concept for me to grasp.

Okay. So apparently it's extremely difficult for me to grasp that because that was written 5 days ago and I'm just now coming back. I had to break from the post to talk to my friend and bounce my thoughts off her. Of course she said all the right and logical things. I keep coming back to thinking "How can I be this messed up at 40 just because I had a crappy dad?" In my head I know it's so much more but I'm stuck there in my head right now.

Awfulizing

2009-07-28T09:33:00.004-04:00

"Awfulizing" is a term that Susan, my T, uses. It refers to when I allow my thoughts to run away with me into the worst possible scenarios. I used to do it constantly and I've gotten much better with it to the point I barely allow it at all. Lately, though, I've been serving up a hefty dose of it.

I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot where I am constantly in a state of clenched & tightened muscles. It causes pain, tenderness, aches, fatigue, spasms and general all-around unpleasantness in my shoulder, collarbone, neck, jaw, head, arm, chest, shoulderblade/back. It gets worse when I'm in a panic or anxiety mode. I've often thought I was having a heart attack because of the intensity of the pain.

It's particularly bad this week and I can feel it expanding now into the area of my ribs, lungs, neck. My body is very tricky in the manifestation of stress. It likes to attack in a certain way to send me into maximum panic and only when I finally accept that it's not a physical problem, it disappears and moves onto some other odd symptom. So the newest thing is this discomfort in the lung area of my chest as opposed to just the heart area. In addition, my chest feels kindof tight and it radiates up into my neck when I breathe deeply. So here I go.....

"I'm having a heart attack. No, that's not what it is. It's muscular, like the Dr said. But this is different pain, it's something new. It's heart failure, cardiomyopathy. It's Cancer. Oh God, I just know I have cancer, I'm sure of it. I can feel it spreading through my body like poison. It's TMJ. It's a brain tumor. I'm having an aneurysm. Bianca is going to find me dead on the floor. I'm going to die while driving and crash killing her, too. I should go see the Dr but I don't want to deal with it. It's lung failure. And what about those bruises? I bet I'm having kidney failure, too and I'm going to die from that. That's it, everything is diseased and I'm having total organ failure, just a question of which one is going to give out first. I'm about to die. I bet I won't even make it to Bianca's birthday party. What will she do without me?" Repeat, ad nauseum.

I can't seem to shake the awfulizing lately. I don't feel good. I'm sure the 99% humidity isn't helping since the air quality is crap for breathing right now. And I've been feeling extremely lightheaded which I'm sure has nothing to do with the fact that I seem to be completely inept at taking one stupid pill a day (Effexor) so I'm all over the place taking it every, oh, day & a half or so when I get the jitters & brain-buzzies that remind me I didn't take it.

~
I feel like a freak. I know I need to focus on my health but it's all tied into my addiction and I feel like I am only capable of baby steps right now. The "not-knowing" is bliss and torture at the same time.

Why Am I Doing This, Exactly?

2009-07-23T10:24:00.004-04:00

So I had counseling last night. I really, really didn't want to be there. We talked about my addiction issues and the steps I've taken since our last meeting. I told Susan that I'd made an appointment with an acupuncturist and then cancelled it. She asked me what I was hoping acupuncture would do for me. I immediately clammed up and started to cry. Why? Because I perceived her question as some sort of accusation that I had no idea what I was doing. And of course, I know she didn't at all mean it that way. But I felt like an idiot that I had charged full on into wanting to do acupuncture without having first really asked if it will accomplish what I want it to do for me. Susan said that she asked not to make me feel foolish but because she "cares about me and loves me" (she actually said she loves me!) and that I'm in an extremely vulnerable spot right now. (shudder) How I detest that word. She doesn't want to see me try something and then have it not work the way I thought it would. She's afraid that would be too discouraging or painful right now. So, okay, I was able to verbalize that I'm hoping the acupuncture will help me with stress relief by means of getting my body energy moving again. I'm hoping that by getting my energy flowing, I will be able to experience more emotions instead of just piling them on top of the emotional gridlock that's already inside my body. In addition, I have chronic pain in my left shoulder because I hold all my tension there. I'm hoping for some relief of that pain as well. Susan suggested another type of Dr for the actual muscular pain but did say she felt I had a realistic view and hope of what acupuncture should be able to do for me. So I'm going to go ahead & make another appointment with the acupuncturist.

We talked about my intention to go to OA meetings. Turns out there is one near me at work and it's at lunch time on Mondays & Fridays. My goal right now is simply to get to at least one meeting before I see Susan again in two weeks. I feel quite scared at the prospect. You know each of these steps I'm taking pushes all my insecurities, "flaws", shame, dysfunction and my tightly held personal coping mechanism out into the world. Makes it public. Makes it REAL. Puts it out there for scrutiny. Makes it impossible for me to pretend it's not there and retreat into my binge-induced numbness. As I said in a prior post, I'm terrified to fail and I'm terrified to succeed. Susan asks why I need to judge as failure or success? She praises me for having taken the steps I have so far. Of course, I'm much more interested in my failures. She says the slow and somewhat methodical nature of how I'm approaching this is actually quite healthy. ("One Day At A Time" sound familiar???) She said I'm doing what they actually talk about in AA which is referred to as "the next good thing". I've taken a step and now I just need to do the next good thing. Keep making one small good choice after another. Why does it have to be failure or success? I tell her that I don't feel I'm being judgmental by calling it success or failure. I mean, in terms of what I'm working on here, those two words are pretty finite. Either I get the eating disorder under control or I don't. Succeed or Fail.

I was feeling pretty drained and was out of things to talk about. We still had about 10 minutes left. I looked around, did some breathing to see if a topic came to me. Shrugged my shoulders at Susan and said "I got nuthin'."

"Okay. How does that make you feel?" she asks.

"Uncomfortable," I answer "anxious and uncomfortable."

She said that was okay, why don't I try just "being" and experiencing my feelings in the moment. She suggested that it's actually very healthy progress that I can sit there feeling uncomfortable because as recent as a few months ago, I would have grabbed onto any fluff topic to avoid just this. Great....healthy progress!! So I sit there trying to breathe and just "be" and my mind keeps running off "talk about this, talk about that, cripes you have issues galore...can't you pull one outta your hat to discuss so you're not looking like a fool, wasting time and being unproductive??" I feel like an idiot not utilizing my time with her and I say out loud "I feel stupid." Susan smirks and says "'Stupid' is not a feeling, Kim...it's a judgment!!" Oh, LOL. Well it's still what I'm feeling!!!!! As I sit here struggling with this seemingly simple task, I wonder to myself....Why, exactly, am I working so hard to be able to "be" in the moment and feel my feelings?? Because this kinda sucks.

Stalled Labor

2009-07-13T15:13:00.000-04:00

I had a dream Tuesday night. I was pregnant and in labor. And in labor. And in labor. For days. The labor was not progressing. I kept asking the nurses to check me and see if I was getting any closer but I wasn't. I was really frustrated. Then I made a tiny bit of progress and I remembered how much the epidural hurt. All of a sudden I began to feel really terrified about giving birth and I didn't want that baby to come out at all.

In dreams, being pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. It may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. So the fact that my labor is stalled means this goal is something I'm having trouble bringing about. Yet when I make some progress, the fear of the pain makes me not want to have the baby at all. This made such absolute perfect sense to me because it's exactly where I'm at in my life.

I was in a really lousy mood on Weds, as evidenced by my last post. Tuesday evening I was triggered by an event which progressed into a barrage of self-hatred, beating myself up for everything I am and everything I do. I was sharing this with Susan on Weds night and describing the frustration of not being able to pull my life together. I'm unhappy with so many things, I feel like I'm constantly in some state between disorder and disaster. I can't focus on anything. For instance: I want to sit down and pay the few bills that can't be done online. I pick up the bills, I go to sit down at the table. Bianca has her toys all over the table. I begin to pick them up and then I see she's taken off her socks and left them on the floor which reminds me I have to do the laundry so I go upstairs to get the rest of the dirty clothes when I remember I never put that box in the attic. I drop the socks, go into the attic where I see a box of craft supplies which reminds me Jen and I were going to take stock of what we had and see if we could pool & sell it. So I take that box down from the attic and put it on the table where I was preparing to sit & pay my bills and then I'm flustered and overwhelmed. So I have something to eat and do nothing. I describe the same type of things at work. I seem easily overwhelmed and like I'm going in circles, never making any significant headway. And then I feel disgusted and ashamed that I can't seem to do what I need to do. So I put it all away in denial-land where I stuff it down firmly with food and engage in some useless, mindless activity which then solidifies the belief that I'm a useless piece of crap. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

~
Susan asks me the question I dread. Do you think this has anything to do with your addiction? She tells me what I described is a classic addict behavior. I've done some web searching but not really come up with any model of "classic addict" signs. I do see that addiction to any substance contributes to anxiety, avoidance, being easily overwhelmed. Maybe that's what she means.

"Food addiction is a contemporary term used to describe a pathological disorder; the compulsive, excessive craving for and consumption of food. This condition is not only manifested by the abnormal intake of food, but the intake and craving for foods that are, in themselves, harmful to the individual. While society and the medical profession have readily understood alcoholism and drug abuse, it is only in recent years that there is an equal acceptance of the fact that persons may be addicted to food in the same way. (I'd argue that point....but that's just me) When any substance is taken into the body regardless of its potential for harm or in excess of need, that substance is said to be abused. Individuals who abuse substances in such a way are addicts; these persons become physiologically and mentally dependent upon certain substances, in this case food. Food addiction, as with any other addiction, is a loss of control. The individual understands that their way of eating is harmful, but continues the destructive behavior. The phenomenon of food addiction is both physiological and psychological. Many individuals have what may be termed 'food allergies.' These are trigger foods which when ingested cause negative symptoms and changes in the body but at the same time provoke cravings. The individual, for instance, the diabetic, may be made 'sick' by the intake of sugar, but will still continue to crave it and eat it in excess, with adverse effects. These chemicals mimic the body’s natural painkillers, endorphins, and have thus been termed 'exorphins' which produce a narcotic-like effect. Individuals may be suffering from depression, low self-esteem or loneliness; they will find a high when ingesting large quantities of food or certain foods such as salt or chocolate. The immediate high gives way to a sick feeling or guilt, leading to more depression. Because the addict is out of control, he or she will turn once again to the same eating patterns in a conscious or unconscious effort to feel better."

That pretty much says it. I want this cycle to stop but I don't know how to make it stop. And I don't know where to turn. I want to do it myself because that's just my MO. Do it yourself. Be strong. Be self-sufficient. Be *Perfect*. Don't need anyone or anything. Don't lean on anyone. Don't open up to or be vulnerable to anyone. It leads only to rejection and pain and strengthens my perceived need to isolate. My horrible experience with Renfrew was a perfect example of why I don't want to reach out for help. Yet I sit here ready to admit, IN MY HEAD, that I cannot do this alone. I am at that point where I can accept, IN MY HEAD, that I am powerless over the addiction. Yet, in my HEART, I still want to believe I can do it. I can make it work. I am strong enough to beat it. And every day I have this battle realizing my head knows where it's at but feeling like a failure because I can't defeat this by myself. All the while **terrified** to reach out for help. Terrified to fail. Terrified to change. Terrified to succeed. Part of me is so ready and the other part of me wants to bury my head in the sand.

When I think about the logistics of it, I am definitely overwhelmed. Food addiction is something that's NOT widely accepted as an addiction. In the eating disorder community, it's still characterized as "Eating Disorder; Not Otherwise Specified." Heath insurance carriers don't recongnize it as an addiction and therefore programs and payments are severely limited. There are a couple eating disorder clinics around here but they don't offer the same programs for food addicts as they do for, say, anorexics and bulemics. So where does this leave me? Here are my options to consider in some combination:

1. Overeaters Anonymous (OA) which is a viable option and I'm looking into meetings. Last I looked, the local meetings were not conducive to my schedule. But I'll look again. And, there is that whole "higher power" thing that still makes me want to cringe and run screaming. I'm going to try to look past that right now.

2. A psychiatrist versed in eating disorders who may be able to prescribe medication(s) with proven results in cutting down cravings.

3. A nutritionist, again versed in eating disorders, who can "represent" food for me and help me attempt to establish a healthy relationship with food, something I have never had.

4. Holistic/Natural remedies. I am strongly driven to try acupuncture as a stress reliever, energy mover and an assistance to my recovery.

5. Energy Tapping to also help in changing or removing the energy associated with my cravings and urge to binge.

6. Counseling, of course, as continued support in my recovery and to help in learning new coping tools.

Okay, so #5 & #6 - no brainers. Easy to accomplish. #1 is going to be a challenge but I will give it a try. Susan did say that if I can get to a number of OA meetings in the beginning I could then switch over to AA or AlAnon meetings since they use the same 12 step program. They are generally easier to find. If I can get to one that is local to my office then I don't have to worry about child care and that alleviates a huge obstacle. She did, however, suggest the "90 in 90" which is 90 meetings in 90 days, generally considered as an alternative for people who are unable to go to a traditional rehab facility. I don't know about that.

#2 - the thought of trying to find this type of person, of telling my story and talking about my addiction with a stranger AND taking more meds really doesn't appeal to me on any level. But having reduced cravings does sound good. Still, I think I will put this one at the bottom of my list and resort to it if #4 & #5 don't help. #3 - oh yuck. Yuck. Yuck. The most I can consider for this one right now is to talk to a friend of mine who works in that field. #4 is something I really desperately want to give 100% to trying. It presents an enormous logistical challenge in location, timing and expense. In any case, I just left a voicemail for the natural health center to call me back. I mean....if I'm going to make a commitment to doing this, then I just need to do whatever is necessary. My boss is super cool and I know he would give me leeway with hours & time off if I need it.

~
Key words here "if I'm going to make a commitment to this." Am I? Because every time I think I'm ready, I talk myself out of it within hours and conveniently lable the prior resolve as a moment of temporary insanity. I think I'm really afraid to fail. I have enough shame already just being what I am. I don't know if I can take the added shame of failing in my attempt to be something better. I think I don't believe that I CAN be different anymore. And I'm really scared to let go of my addiction because it serves as my friend, my relationship, my comfort, my shield and my protection. Despite the fact I know it's hurting me immensely and robbing me of health, joy and life, I'm really afraid to be out in the world without my security-blanket. I know I can't change if I don't try but I'm so afraid to try that I feel near paralyzed.

2009-07-08T09:15:00.001-04:00

Do you ever just have one of these days where you simply cannot stand one thing about yourself and you really wish you could just get away from you?? I'm so there right now.

Selling My Survival

2009-07-02T14:11:00.003-04:00

I love dreams. I think they are fascinating in their symbolism. I've become an amateur dream guru. I don't often remember my dreams, unfortunately. When I do, I take great delight in deciphering them. Well the one I had last night just didn't give me a challenge at all! It was so obvious, it was ridiculous. It did make me laugh, though, in the plain talk of it's message.

My father grew up in an old farmhouse. His whole dysfunctional family lived there many years. He moved out when he married my Mom; his parents and sister stayed. There was a barn with horses, which were my passion when I was younger. My brother and I spent many summers there. My grandparents slept downstairs. My Aunt's room and a guest room were upstairs. I slept on a roll out bed in my Aunt's room and my brother was in the next room. My Aunt worked the night shift and therefore didn't get home until about 2am. You can see the kind of freedom and opportunity that afforded my brother to abuse me on a regular basis.

In my dream, this house was for sale and I desperately wanted to buy it. I was looking around at it's state of disrepair thinking "I can fix this, I can fix that. I can replace those. I can make this work." Every single thing was crumbling, filthy, falling apart. I was trying to hide things that were broken and playing down the seriousness of the homes condition. My BFF was there and my contractor Dave was also there. I looked to Dave and I said "What do you think? We can make this work, right?" He shook his head and said "Don't do it."

At the same time, I was trying to figure out how I was going to get the money to buy this house I was still so determined to buy. I found a small curio cabinet that was filled with tiny figurines of wolves. I took two of them and I drove down the road where there was an Indian at the side of the street. I pulled over and tried to sell these wolf figures to him. He asked me if I was sure and, when I said yes, he paid me a great deal of money for them. I returned to the house and looked at the remaining figurines again. Although I knew I could sell them to pay for the house, I suddenly realized how valuable they were and knew it was not worth giving them up to buy this house that was falling down.

So the first part of the dream.....completely obvious. My abusive past, trying to cover it up, trying to fix it. The second part still made sense but I wasn't sure about the symbolism of wolves and indians so I looked them up in my trusty dream dictionary. Wolves symbolize survival and Indians represent the primitive and instinctual aspect of yourself. So I was trying to "sell" my survival to hold onto my past and the Indian, my instincts, made me realize that the "wolves" were too valuable to let go of. Great dream. Great lesson.

Tapping into Grief

2009-06-27T17:27:00.004-04:00

Just when you least expect it....there is a breakthrough moment.

I had T this morning. Went with only a minor agenda of talking about the card from my brother and discussing father's day. Let me start with the card from my brother part (story in my prior post). I told Susan that I evaluated the card, thought there was an ulterior motive behind it and then just kind of put the whole thing aside. I felt like there should have been a more emotional reaction to it and I stayed open to that but it never really happened. Often, when I've not connected emotionally to something, when I talk about it in therapy I will make the connection there. When I discussed it with Susan, I felt the same way as I did when I got the card. She actually told me that she felt this was very positive. I'm reacting from a here and now, adult perspective and it doesn't appear I'm repressing anything about it. Excellent!

~
We discussed Father's Day and that Bianca had done pretty well with it. I talked about the feelings I have toward Bianca's bio-father and how I have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he has nothing to do with her. I wonder sometimes if he ever thinks about her, wonders about her. It's difficult for me to accept that I will never know the truth and hard for me to let that go. Not in my control-craving nature. Susan asked me what if Bianca had a father who had died when she was a baby? How would I deal with that? I said that would be a million times easier to explain. It's easier to tell her that she had a dad who loved her but now he's in heaven. It's easy to find a million books for kids on how to deal with the grief of a deceased parent. But how do you explain that there is a living, breathing parent who has just chosen to reject her? Susan said that I would have empathy for her if the situation were a dead father but that I'm fully triggered by the idea of rejection and the way I feel and act are because of my own unresolved issues. Dammit! We're almost in a cycle where Bianca has legitimate thoughts about fathers but then it sets me off and she feeds off that so we keep going round and round. I said I just don't want her to end up like me. Everytime I think I'm working past my father issues, I'm reminded that I still have more work to do. In my heart, I still feel responsible for my father's abuse and rejection of me.

~
Susan reminded me that my own father experience had nothing to do with ME. It's all about my father and HIS issues. Yes, I know this......in my head. It's intellectual. Clearly I don't accept it in my heart. Still. I thought I was past this. Susan asked me what I meant when I said I don't want Bianca to end up like me. What kinds of things am I thinking, feeling and picturing in my head? I said I was feeling fear, afraid that she would become promiscuous and foolish the way that I had been, doing anything for male attention to fill that void, to feel loved or lovable. She asked what feelings came up in me for my situation with my own father? Trying to access my feelings kept resulting in going back to my head, to intellectualizing. When I was able to let it down, I said "Grief. I feel grief." And I said "I know why he did what he did.....but I just wanted a Dad." *Sob*Sob*Sob*

Susan suggested I do energy tapping around the statement I made to try to help release some of those emotions. I did and absolutely gushed tears the entire process. In fact, 3 hours later, I'm still crying. After the tapping work with her, I felt exhausted and just sad. I know I did some serious emotional grieving work. After writing this, but before publishing it, I ended up taking a nearly 3 hour nap. Unheard of for me.....I really drained myself.

~
I have to put in a quick funny....I unconsciously hold my breath alot in T when I'm holding my emotions in. When Susan asked me to get in touch with my feelings about my father, I guess I was doing it again. Susan said "Breathe, for heavens sake!! Sometimes I think you could scuba dive without an oxygen tank when I see how long you sit here without taking a breath!!"

As I was driving home, I was mulling things over. I often say that I feel guilty or responsible for Bianca not having a father. I just realized that my guilt stems from my feeling unlovable.....feeling that I wasn't good enough for her bio-father, for her "Dad" or even for my own Dad to love me, to choose me. And now she has to pay the price for my inferiority. Emotional work sucks. No wonder I avoid it.

As If.......

2009-06-17T09:18:00.006-04:00

I've mentioned in recent posts that I just had a birthday and was on vacation. While away, I had my neighbor pick up my mail. When I caught up with my neighbors and got the mail from them, I had a few surprises. Checks...oooh! Checks are good, especially after vacation! A birthday card from my dear friend and blogging buddy Enola. Thanks!! And...what's this now? Eyes widen, hands shake. Another birthday card, familiar writing. But what the hell?? It's from my brother. My brother....one of my abusers....who I've not seen or spoken to in 4 1/2 years now.
~
Allow me to back up a little. I used to have an overwhelming compulsion to take care of my mother and her feelings. It's something I was basically taught to do as a child and it carried over. Out of some misguided loyalty to her, I used to send generic birthday and christmas cards to my brother and his (soon-to-be-ex) wife. Until December of 2006.
~
In December of 2006, my brother sent me an email. A short, "normal", "hey-how-ya-doin?" email. It really threw me for a loop. I printed it out and went to my T session all hot & bothered.
"How dare he send this? He has no business sending me a 'normal' email after what has transpired between us."
"Why not?", asks Susan. "Didn't you just send him a 'normal' birthday card?"
Oh.
Susan went on to tell me that I'd been acting "As If".
I said "As if WHAT?"
She said "Exactly....as if...what? As if things are fine? As if you are his sister and want to have a sibling relationship? As if the past no longer matters enough to stop you from being part of his life?"
Wow. I never in a million thought of it like that. Never thought about the message I was sending by simply attempting a "keep the peace" move for my mother's sake. At that point, I had to take a stance for myself. Not only did I not reply to his email but I never again sent him another card.
~
Now things have gone on pretty status quo since then but recently my Mother had an epiphany about my brother. (See post here) She's no longer interacting with him in the same way, if at all. So my two immediate thoughts on the motive behind this birthday card were: #1 - he's sending me this card in hopes I will tell my Mom and she'll have second thoughts about what a lech he is, or #2 - he's trying to get on my good side so that, if my Mom dies, I'll give him some of her estate. I'll respond with a literal "AS IF" to that one!! Yeah, right.
~
In the past, my brother used to sign all his cards for me "Hatred, Gregory" Now, the hatred part, as charming as it is, is not the bothersome portion of that signature. His name is not Gregory. But he'd sign the cards as this alternate persona, a character if you will. One who used to abuse me. Almost removing himself from any personal relationship with me. This card he just sent is signed "Happy Bday Sis. Love, Bro." WTF?? "Love Bro"???? Biology may dictate that I'm stuck with you as my brother but there is no LOVE involved. I just don't understand what he's thinking.
~
I'm not sure I understand what I'm thinking, either. I described it as feeling Nothing. But Something. I know I feel some sort of way about it but I don't think I want to know what it is yet so right now, I'm choosing to feel nothing. Numb works for the moment. In fact, Numb is necessary at the moment.

Fathers, Fathers, Fathers

2009-06-15T14:58:00.007-04:00

In light of this months blog carnival theme, I went looking for a prior post that would fit the bill. Lord knows that posts containing "father content" are plentiful in my little snippet of the blogosphere. Perhaps it's the multi-tasker in me, but I tend to wrap more than one topic into a post so many were only partially applicable. One post I found was great for the carnival...apparently it was so great for the carnival that I'd already submitted it last year. :o) So here I am, one day to go til submission deadline, and I've got some serious bloggers-block.
~
While I perused "father issues" posts from the past 16 months I came across alot of valuable things. Some things a reminder on what I need to focus on and other things a realization of what I've accomplished. Father issues are prevalent in my life. Starting with my own father and carrying over into Bianca's lack of a father.
~
From an old post: There is no point of my trying to talk to my father again. I have said all I can say to him. We (my T & I) discussed the idea of forgiveness and what it means to me. I came down to expressing that it means a release of the memories, thoughts and pain that hold me hostage. I said I understand that in my brain but it just doesn't really translate. The question I posed at the end of my homework was "what do I gain by holding this pain so tightly to my heart?" As T began to speak to this, I was FLOODED with emotion and burst into tears. I realized that this pain is ALL I HAVE of my father. And once I let it go, I have NO father. And no hope of things ever becoming different. It's that last thread of hope. That blasted unrealistic shred of HOPE that the piece of damaged, demented, sick, twisted, cold-hearted crap I called "Dad" could actually turn into a decent person and try to make it all up to me. This pain is our only connection. And I don't know how to release that without falling apart.I guess the answer is that I actually need to allow myself to fall apart. I have to let those emotions come through me to let them go. And I need to grieve.
~
I'm happy to say that I feel I've made some progress in my own father pains. Ever since I wrote the "Dear Father" letter, I've been able to let some things go. I don't think I realized that until I began this post, so that's positive! But then again, it's hard for me to tell how much progress is made because I project my own stuff onto issues with Bianca's father & "daddy".
~
Her father issues are tougher than ever. She is at an age where she is aware of the difference between her family dynamic and that of her friends. She speaks of her Daddy frequently. I've been doing my best to field the comments and questions with sensitivity and honesty but it's a highly emotional issue and I feel so inadequate in my replies. As I look back over the many posts highlighting her struggles, I see some recurring themes:
~
* Regret over not using better judgment with my Ex
* A gut reaction of feeling like I need to run out and get married just to get her a Daddy
* Wanting her to have "more" than I did as a child
~
I realize that none of these are particularly rational but I do see them as things I get wrapped up in. In fact, I didn't realize how much I get wrapped up in them until I read all these posts in one sitting. It's an eye opener for me that I need to let go of those unproductive thoughts and only focus on the things I can exert at least a modicum of control over.
~
You know, I think I've done alot of overall work on the father situations. I've done some grieving work with my own father. I've put Bianca's bio-father into perspective as basically a sperm donor. I have the most trouble with my XBF, the man Bianca knew as "Daddy" for 2 1/2 years. I guess it's because that is the one that she clings to and the one I'm trying to explain the disappearance of to her.
~
I guess what remains is merely the “father fantasy”. The "Daddy's Little Girl" images that catch my eye. The Dad in the park with his little girl up on his shoulders; the one in church with his daughter climbing onto his lap. The fantasy that all Dads love, cherish, comfort, protect. And stay. As a parent myself, I have a really, really difficult time wrapping my mind around rejecting your child. Somehow I need to come to a different grip with that in my head. I continue to open up this painful wound, MY father wound. I continue to feed the pain, the loss and the longing. What I am doing is setting a script for Bianca that says: “You have a father out there who doesn’t want to be part of your life.” If I characterize it as a rejection, that he doesn’t want her, then I will define her life and her worth as such. She doesn’t need to grow up this way. It's bad enough that I did.

Vacation

2009-06-14T13:32:00.002-04:00

Well, we're back from vacation. We got back Friday evening. I had hopes of catching up on everyone else's blogs while away but that never happened! I didn't even post on my own blog or read any of the books I brought. We did have a great time, though.

We go to this same rental house every year so it's become a second home for me. Last summer it was over 100 degrees which is totally uncharacteristic of New England in early June. This year, the weather was right where it should be which made for a much more pleasant visit. It was in the low 70's during the day and around 50 at night. Ideal! We spent a day in downtown Portsmouth, popped over to Maine for an afternoon, went to Storyland amusement park, Squam Lakes Science center, Childrens Museum. On my birthday, we went to Weirs Beach, played in the arcades, mini-golf, went to Kellerhaus for ice cream sundae bar, shopping, went to dinner at one of my fave local spots where I enjoyed the steak I've been craving for months! We went to the drive in movie and saw UP which was cute. All in all, a great birthday.

My BFF was up for a few days and was nice enough to share her germs with me so we both ended up with bronchitis. So the last few days of vaca were spent largely on the couch in front of a fire watching movies with Bianca. It was okay, though, because the weather had turned cold and rainy by that point. I was able to find a local Dr to give me some anti-biotics and was feeling better by the time we had to come home.

Unfortunately, once I got home, I am now all off kilter. I couldn't sleep the first night. Bianca is way off schedule and not sleeping well either. I ended up with an injury that I'm going to skip the details of except to say it's causing me intense pain and making mobility very challenging. I'm coughing more today, presumably lack of sleep knocking me back a step in recovering. I have a terrible headache. For some reason, I got really messed up in taking my anti-anxiety meds while away and I think I'm down several doses over the 10 day period. I seemed to be taking them about every 36 hours instead of every 24. I think I forgot one yesterday but I'm not sure. I just feel all messed up. It's 2pm, I'm still in my PJs and I need to go grocery shopping & cook for the week. I don't know where I'm going to find the energy. Let's not even talk about how I'm going to rise at 5am tomorrow and return to work. It seems incomprehensible at this moment.

It's My Party & I'll Cry If I Want To

2009-05-31T15:22:00.004-04:00

I am going to be 40 this week.
~
That may not seem like a huge deal to others. But I have never been a fan of birthdays. Particularly milestones. Once I hit 21, I was legally able to do everything I wanted to and I would have stopped aging right there if given the choice.
~
Any attempts at birthday celebrations generally went heinously awry. There was always some sort of disaster, drama or similar misfortune. It got to the point where I did not even want to have my birthday acknowledged.
~
I kept this preconceived checklist of where I should be at that age and, when I never found myself where I wanted to be, I allowed it to drown me. 25 was very tough for me. 30 was difficult but not as bad as 25 because I was getting married when I was 30. I was divorced and five months pregnant when I turned 35. Excited but unsure and alone...not a good one. Each year since then has just felt like a death march towards "The Big 4-0" I just knew that 40 would be utterly devastating.
~
And then.....a funny thing happened on the way to my birthday..... :o)
~
I think it's called acceptance. Acceptance of self, acceptance of my journey, acceptance that I can't control everything in my world. And the realization that hating my birthday wastes an awful lot of energy. It says alot about how far I've come in the past year and in the past 39! I am fully embracing 40 with both arms. I feel good. I'm telling everyone. I'm enjoying celebrations and parties. If you had told me 15, 10 or even 2 years ago that I'd be pumped up about my 40's, I may have punched you in the head. I have such good feelings about where my life has led me and there is something inside me that knows I'm about to embark on some pivotal things. It's exciting to see where I've come to and exciting to think about what lies ahead.
~
I would have stayed at 21 if I could have; would have made a deal with the devil himself to retain my youth. What an immature fool! Bring on my 40's! Older and wiser, indeed.

Wedded Agony

2009-05-26T23:05:00.001-04:00

I got married in 1999. This year would be my ten year anniversary. We should have never gotten married. I obviously had father and abuse issues to work out still. My ex is VERY much like my father. Doing some spring cleaning the other day, I found some notes I made obviously before a counseling session about what happens when we fought:

I say something that he takes offensively. He gets angry & he becomes offensive in return.

If I try to explain how I meant something I said, I either get the disbelieving "Mmmm-Hmmmm", or I get the lecture on "It's not what you said, it's how you said it," or I get the no-win "So, are you lying now, or were you lying then?" Trying to talk my way out of any of these goes nowhere. He is stuck in his stubborn mmindset.

If I walk away, he stews and gets more angry.

If I tell him that I need time, he will follow me or yell to me until I come back and finish the conversation. He hates to give me my time. On the occasions that he has allowed me some time, he is utterly furious by the time I'm ready to talk. Knowing he feels this way, it makes it impossible for me to relax & think. I spend it all worrying about how angry he's getting.

If I stay calm and try to be gentle, he accuses me of pacifying him, talking down to him, or tells me to quit my "psycho-babble."

If I cry, he says he must be the "no good SOB who made me cry so why would I want to be with him?", or he accuses me of making myself cry to manipulate him or he shuts down completely and can't deal with me.

When we discuss parameters or boundaries for disagreements, he usually agrees but when we fight, it all goes out the window. When I try to remind him that made these agreements to improve communication, I either get "Oh great, I failed you again. What else can I do wrong?" of he will tell me that I can't expect him to control himself when he's mad. After all, as he says "Fighting is war." Someone has to win and he will do whatever he has to do to win.

Other times if I make suggestions, he feels I'm telling him what to do. If I ask him to make suggestions, he won't. More often, he will say something like "Well, if you hadn't walked away from me, none of this would have happened in the first place."

His other response when I ask him what he can do is to say "I will just always say 'yes dear' and then you can have everything you want, I'll be your little puppet, and then you'll be happy."

He beats me down until I feel I have no choice but to cry and apologize a hundred times. It's not good enough for him. I can't just give in. If I want the agony to end, I have to tell him that I no longer have my own opinion on the subject but that I agree with him.

Oh my gosh, I feel so horrible for my old self when I read back on this. I was so miserable, SO miserable. It actually knots up my stomach when I read it. I have notes all over this page reminding myself that I have the right to take care of myself and to expect to be treated respectfully. I'm happy that I've learned so much but the hard roads I had to travel to get here have sure been hell. The last part, about him forcing me to agree with him before he'd let it go....it reminds me of the night my father forced me to admit that I made up everything I said about my brother abusing me. Horrid.

The Bubble Has Burst

2009-05-23T16:37:00.002-04:00

For my mother, that is.

Let me give some backstory on my Mom. Her mother, my Nana, was an alcoholic who was married five times. My Mom had one half brother, John, who was 10 years older and a full brother, Jim, who was a couple years younger than she. The half brother was from my grandmothers first marriage. My mom and her brother were from the second. The first husband died of natural causes, the second (my grandfather) killed himself. Third and Fourth husbands....one was a divorce and the other was another suicide. Her fifth and final husband died of natural causes. It's not a huge surprise to me that my grandmother drank with all that in her past.

My mother was quite young when her father died. In fact, she didn't know that he killed himself until about 1990. My grandmother had moved into a nursing home at that time and when my Mom was cleaning out my grandmother's apartment, she found her father's death certificate that confirmed "self inflicted." After he passed away, my grandmothers drinking became out of control. My mom told me stories of her as a child dumping out bottles of vodka and refilling them with water; stories of her calling the town liquor stores and begging them to stop selling to her mother. By this time, John was away at boarding school then to be followed by college and military service. She really didn't know him. My grandmother, more interested in drinking and husbands, sent my Mom and Jim to live with other families.

Knowing this much about my Mom's background, it's understandable why her sole desire for her own life was to have a stable family and keep it together at all costs. She swung the pendulum from one extreme to the other without ever seeing the harm she was doing by holding onto a family and a marriage that was not working. More than once, my mother walked in on my brother sexually abusing me. And, every time, she turned around, closed the door and walked away. She was unable to deal with it. While that evokes anger in me, that she didn't help me, I really can also "get" it. God knows how dissociation has served me in my life even when it was the wrong choice to make. It is, after all, just the mind shutting down from that which it cannot handle. She could not handle anything that pointed out the dysfunction of her longed-for family.

When I broke my silence about the abuse, my mother really did nothing in either direction. I imagine she was entirely numb. My father was the one who went on a tirade. At me, of course. Made me admit I was lying and apologize to my brother. My mother, who had seen it with her own eyes, stood there and said nothing. For many, many years my mother has "stood there and said nothing" about any number of situations my brother has gotten into trouble with. She always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Marital problems, issues with my father, business problems, even when my brother was accused of, and fired for, sexual harassment. She always believed he was just haunted by bad luck. All this time, I've rolled my eyes at her naivity, knowing that it was simply karma surrounding my brother. His "bad luck" was really just the edification of "what goes around comes around." But I had accepted that she could not see it. She divorced my father about 16 years ago which was incredibly difficult for her considering her one desire for her life. At that point, she became even more vested in maintaining relationships with her kids. She and I have had a rocky relationship at best due to the choice she made. Only in the past year have I really come to process some of this stuff and find my love for her again.

Yesterday my mother called me and told me that she has finally come to realize that my brother is nothing more than a manipulative pathological liar. She said she was sure it's something I've known all along and that she was so sorry it took her this long to realize it. Some things have happened of late, things she was not supposed to find out about but did, that I guess were too much for her to continue living in denial of. She said she is disgusted and sick. She's had his name taken off everything financial and she called her attorney to write him out of her will. She says she believes this will be the end of all contact with him. While I don't believe that is the case, I do believe that she has seen the unfortunate truth and I don't think she can turn that off now. She said she feels duped and that everything out of his mouth is bullshit. For as long as I can remember, my brother has had an unbelievable gift for twisting the truth in innumerable directions to gain favor of the person he's telling the story to. He's played my parents against each other more times that I can count.

I suppose I should be happy that she's finally seen the truth. I suppose I should feel some sort of vindication that she realizes how her choice to not see him for who and what he is damaged me. More than anything, right now, I find myself relating to her not as MY Mom but rather just as A Mom.....a fellow Mom..... And I cannot fathom the pain of realizing the worst about your own child. I've not yet allowed this to sink in on an emotional level for myself. I'm not sure what to think about it yet.

The Truth Hurts

2009-05-17T10:21:00.003-04:00

Bianca has been talking about her "Daddy" alot lately.

A brief history for anyone who doesn't know: She's never met her bio-father (his choice). I dated my XBF, Tom, starting when Bianca was 2 months old until she was almost 2 1/2 years old and she knew him as her daddy. She hasn't seen him since January of 2007 when we broke up.

Last Weds, after a night of playing outside with our neighbors and watching her friend interact with her father, Bianca was obviously feeling some angst. She said "Tom is my Daddy. I miss my Daddy but I don't really know him anymore." The next day, she told me that she wanted to go to Daddy's house and visit him.

It breaks my heart. Father issues are sensitive for me to begin with. Seeing her experience father-pains as well just tears me to shreds. She really doesn't know the story of her bio-father. I will someday tell her but she has enough to process right now without me adding that to the mix. I never tell her that Tom is not her Daddy. After all, we let her call him that so I'm not going to take it away from her now. When she talks about "Daddy", I engage in conversation with her but 99% of the time, I will refer to him as Tom, just trying to shift that dynamic in her head. I tell her age-appropriate things. Mommy & Tom don't see each other anymore, it has nothing to do with her, etc. etc. Last week, I thought of a good point to add in and I told her that some people are in her life for a long time....people like Mommy and Gramma. Other people are only part of our lives for a little while. I cited a few friends who have gone on to Kindergarten or moved away. And I also included Tom. When we have these kinds of conversations, she listens for a minute and then she'll change the subject. I let her change the subject. I figure she's basically telling me she's heard enough.

~
We always go away the beginning of June and last year, I lucked out. Father's Day was early and she missed Father's Day projects at school while we were on vacation. We're going the same week this year but Father's Day is later and so she'll be back in school when they do their FD projects. I decided to bring it up to her teacher just so we could get a head start in thinking about how to handle it. Funny I mention it, the teacher tells me, because Bianca had just said something odd. Out in the playground, they were getting ready to come back inside and Bianca told her that either her Mom or her Dad was coming to pick her up. Teacher says "Your Mom is coming to pick you up." and Bianca says "I wish my Dad was coming." *sigh*

Back to the project situation, the teacher tells me they have had this a couple times before in the past. Could Bianca make something, instead, for an uncle, grandfather, etc? Well, she doesn't have any of those (since her uncle and grandfather are both abusive bastards and are not in her life). Okay....how about if she makes something for me, instead? They explain that I am like Mommy and Daddy for her. An understandable suggestion but, in her mind, she has a Daddy already so telling her that I'm also the Dad isn't going to fly. She's too smart and WAY too literal to buy into that. We agree to just think about it and figure out something. If it were a one day project, I'd probably just pull her out of school that day. But it's something they will work on a little bit every day for the whole week.

~
Yesterday, she was playing with blocks and she called one of the blocks "Daddy's house" and was "pretending" that we were going to visit Daddy's house. I stopped her and looked into her eyes. I held her hands and I started to cry. I told her that I always want to help her to do the things she wants to do but..... (trailing off.....how do I tell her this?) I say "We will never see Daddy again. Do you understand that?" She shakes her head no and puts it down on my shoulder and cries. I hugged her and I cried too. When she lifted her head back up, I told her that I know she doesn't understand it. I told her it's ok to think about him and talk about him. And I told her that he's not part of our life anymore. I also explained that "Daddy's" are supposed to act a certain way and Tom didn't do a good enough job of being a Daddy. He didn't act the right way. I told her that she and I are a family and she will have me forever, that I will always be her Mommy. It was a painful moment of truth for both of us.

I don't know if I handle these things the right way. It's so tough to navigate. I'm hoping that maybe it will help her shift away from Tom in her head but the fact is....she's not seen him in almost 2 1/2 years. She's not missing *him* per se but she is clearly feeling the absence of a father figure. I wish I knew how to fill that void for her. My biggest fear is that if I don't find a way to fill it now that she will grow up seeking to fill it in very unhealthy, painful and destructive ways. Just like her Mom did.

"Will Katie be okay?"

2009-05-11T15:13:00.007-04:00

***Possible Trigger Warning***
~
Criminal Minds is one of my favorite shows on TV. It doesn't hurt that one of the stars, Shemar Moore, is totally dreamy!! Anyway, I was watching a TiVo'd episode over the weekend that really struck home.
~
A six year old girl goes missing from a mall. There had been a similar incident the previous week where another young girl was abducted from a mall and later found dead. The six year old girl, Katie, was at the mall with her parents and also with her Aunt, Uncle and their son. The families had separated in order to do some shopping. Realizing the girl is missing and it may be a serial killer because of the similar circumstance, the FBI BAU is brought in. The storyline develops as they do their investigation and realize that things are not adding up. They find an expensive gold & gemstone necklace that Katie had been wearing and it was torn off in such a way that indicated this abduction was personal and not random like the prior incident.
~
Searching the home of the young girl for clues to who may have a grudge against her, they discover she's been wetting her bed. They also find barbie dolls that are marked up with mouths and eyes blackened out. They determine a strong liklihood that Katie was being molested. The team takes to interviewing all the family members separately and eventually reveal that the uncle, her father's brother, has been molesting her for years. He had bought her the necklace as a keep-quiet gift. His wife (Katie's aunt) knew what was happening and, instead of turning him in or protecting Katie, she decided to get rid of the object of her husbands affection. She arranged this shopping trip and tried to make it look like Katie was abducted. She tied her up, taped her mouth shut and put her in a storage closet in some deserted back area of the mall.
~
Naturally, the BAU finds her just in the nick of time. She had no pulse but they were able to revive her. In the end of the show, Katie is being wheeled away in a stretcher. The Aunt and the Uncle are both being arrested. Their son stands there with the FBI agents and asks "Will Katie be okay?" The agent tells the boy that she will make a full recovery.
~
Full recovery? What do they know about how an abuse victim "recovers"? As they tried to revive her, of course the Mom in me doesn't want to see a 6 year old die and I'm hoping to see her breathe again. The abuse survivor in me is on the fence.....which way is she better off? Because there is no "full recovery" for someone who has been through that. And yes, it's a TV show......but that kind of molestation and the ensuing cover-up, silence, shame and pain are all too real for entirely too many children. They are reviving her to a life of questions, guilt, shame, isolation, anger and self-loathing. She's going to carry guilt and blame for her uncle and aunt going to prison, for her cousin becoming a foster child. She's going to run it through her mind thousands, millions, countless numbers of times why she didn't tell someone or say no or stop him from abusing her. She's going to feel dirty, different, ashamed and like she has nothing in common with other children her age. She is a little girl with adult experiences that she can't process and she won't feel like she fits in with peers at any age. She will feel fear, distrust, suspicion and unsafe wherever she goes. PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks. She's signing up for years of therapy, maybe medications or addictions. Perhaps bad relationships and re-victimizing herself over and over. She's in for a lifetime of nightmares, flashbacks, sensory & body memories....things she can't make go away no matter how hard she tries.
~
Has she really been saved? Or would she be better off resting in peace?

Gatekeeper

2009-05-07T17:20:00.003-04:00

Had T Weds night and I went with no particular agenda. As is always the case, Susan asks me to just relax & breathe and see what comes up for me. I've been feeling particularly stressed lately with alot on my plate. It was a rather hectic weekend and the first half of the week wasn't any better.

~
There is a funny thing that happens to me when I relax. Whenever I do my grounded breathing I get a headache. It happens after about a minute when I finally start to let down. If I fight it, the headache is prolonged. If I just breathe through it then it goes away in about a minute and that is how I know I'm really relaxing. I asked Susan what she thinks that could be. She can't say for certain but she believes it's my mind trying to hold onto everything that I intellectualize instead of allowing it to let down and be felt as emotions. It makes sense and goes along with the way I feel it in my head. That is crazy....my mind actually causes itself pain trying not to let me feel pain??

Anyway, we talked about my busy-ness and she told me I need to do two things. #1: Be more realistic when making plans or taking on obligations. Did I really NEED to volunteer to bring a salad, an entree AND dessert for the teachers during Provider Appreciation Week?? Could I not have done just ONE thing instead?? I get too wrapped up in things. Sure, I thought about just doing the entree but then, *gasp*, horror-of-horrors....what if the salad someone else made didn't compliment my entree? I chose three simple things but Susan is right, add them all together on a Monday night and no, I wasn't being realistic about what I could do. What ends up happening is that I sacrifice sleep. Now, in the old days.....that was no big deal. An extra cup of java and I'm good to go. But you know....I'm not 22 anymore. I'm going to be 40 in a few weeks and that crap doesn't fly anymore. I woke up with a headache that grew into a migraine until I could not function at work and I ended up having to sleep it off in my car while I should have been working. So I really need to think realistically about my plans and their consequences. That made me scared. I felt fear at the thought of saying no to things.

And #2: When I'm in the middle of doing something, be there. Don't be into the next thing in my mind already. While my weekend was very full, it was all fun stuff. But you know, I didn't really have that much fun because in my head, I was stressing about what comes next. Even though I had to be a bit of a clockwatcher all weekend, there is no reason I should not have allowed myself to be present and enjoy the party, the get-together, ice skating, etc.

"Being Present" is something that Susan and I discuss often. But we've decided to make it a big time focus in the coming weeks and months. In fact, she said that once I can get a handle on this, it will be good timing to come off my anxiety meds. Anxiety, she said, is caused primarily when one is either storytelling, jumping ahead to the future or clinging to the past. If living in the present and staying grounded, well....unless there is an extreme situation going on, there's not alot to be anxious about.

"Speaking of 'clinging to the past'," I say to Susan, "Why can't I get Tom out of my head?" (Tom is XBF who I broke up with over 2 years ago but I saw him recently and he's been on my mind again) I don't love him anymore and I know enough bad stuff about him now that there should be no reason for me to ever think of him!! But you know, I really did truly love that man. He is the first and only man I've ever really loved and I guess that holds a place in my heart. More than that, though, I realized that it's just all the plans we'd made together and that every so often, I get the jab of "this is not where I was supposed to be at this point in my life" Even as I write it now, the threat of tears stings my eyes and I hold it back so hard that my jaw and my head ache. This is what happened in Susan's office, as well. I can understand it now because I'm at work. But why when I was safe in therapy? I tried to breathe into it, I tried to connect to it and release it. But it was NOT going to happen. My body was braced so hard against it. I made an offhand remark to Susan that it was not getting past "the Gatekeeper". Susan told me to address this "gatekeeper" and even suggested I write a letter to it/him/her.

When I searched for images of a Gatekeeper, I was pleasantly surprised to find out it's a type of butterfly! That's a nice image. But the image I had in my mind was dark, a faceless, ghoulish figure, hunched over a covered barrel, reaching out with a deformed arm scooping up the bits of emotion that were beginning to escape and shoving them back into the barrel quickly slamming a lid back down on top so no more could get out.

At the end of the session, I thought about what we'd discussed. Unable to relax, over extending myself, not allowing myself to enjoy fun things, afraid to be different, holding onto grief and unwilling to let it go. And all I could say was "Man, I'm really determined to torture myself, aren't I?" I *know* that life would be so much better without all this baggage but for the life of me, I don't know how to be different. It's so frustrating when I can see the goal but I can't seem to get there. And the only obstacle is me.

Things Don't Always Go As Planned

2009-04-28T14:07:00.016-04:00

We had such a good weekend. It was very warm & sunny. It was the perfect balance of relaxation and productivity. We got some errands out of the way on Friday night. Sat AM was ice skating which went well. When we got home, our neighbors were outside and invited Bianca to come play with their daughter. They had fun running around, riding the princess big wheel, squirting each other with water bottles, blowing bubbles. I was watching them play as I sat on my deck with iced coffee and my laptop. Bliss! After that we had lunch, ran out to Target b/c I ran out of laundry detergent! We picked up a new movie, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and watched it. Cute!

I did some more laundry & easy stuff. Sunday AM, I cleaned & then we met my friend Jennie & her niece at the park. It was about 90 degrees and the girls played hard until meltdowns were on the immediate horizon! Went home and got some more stuff done and had some down time after Bianca went to bed. I was in such a good mood. I was all pumped up to go to work in the AM and get things done.

~
And here’s where it all goes horribly wrong. I got into bed and I couldn’t fall asleep. I think it’s probably because I was so pumped up. But I started getting frustrated. And my house was HOT. And I still have comforters on my bed. So I shoved all the blankets to the end of my bed.

I rolled this way and that way, couldn’t get comfy. Bianca woke up, she wanted me to come fix her covers b/c she rolled them into a knot. Went & fixed her up, got back into bed. Now I’m awake. And hot. Still. I turned upside down in my bed so my head was where my feet should be just so I could be directly under the ceiling fan. Bianca calls again, she wants water and can’t open the bottle. She brings it to me & I open it, send her back to bed but not until I've sufficiently explained myself to her for why I'm sleeping in the wrong direction. She wants help with her covers again. I fix her covers. Back to bed, still can’t sleep. Getting dozy…Bianca calls out she wants to come in my bed. I tell her no, I’m too hot & tossy-turny. She cries. I refuse to give in but I can’t sleep b/c she’s crying. Finally all things settle down and I fall to sleep in the 2-3am range.
~
Enter 5am, a beeping alarm clock and the words “Oh hell no”.

I pound the alarm for an hour and finally get up, all of last nights excitement and energy G-O-N-E! Get myself ready and then.....let the fight with Bianca begin. "Time to get up, time to get up, time to get up, time to get up", ad nauseum. Of course, she’s beat from lack of sleep and she’s ornery. Everything I say makes her cry. Get out of bed. Cry. Finally, literal little bugger that she is, gets "out of bed" and lays down on her floor. "Get up." Cry. She stands still and cries. I ask her if she can at least sit on the potty while she cries. She cries more. I pick her up to move her, she cries more. I muster all the fake silliness I can to at least get her to stop crying and now she wants to play. We’re late, I’m flipping out on the inside but trying to maintain a sense of humor for her. She won’t cooperate and I put away the silly voice to put on the Mom voice and she cries. She wants to bring 30 things to school with her. I say no. She hides in the corner and sobs. You get the point. An hour to get her ready and I’m now 45 minutes behind schedule. On the way to work, there is a detour. And I get stuck behind a school bus in a residential neighborhood on the detour. Can anyone tell me WHY busses stop at every blessed driveway? What happened to the days the kids all walked to one corner? By the time I get to work, I feel like I’ve been in a war.
~
Day was fine and I get myself all pumped up again to finish the things at home that I’d strategically delayed.

Plan: Leave work on time, pick up the girl, straight home, fold laundry while she’s in the shower, cook meal for the week while she’s eating dinner & watching Wubbzy. (yeah, yeah….it works for a single Mom) Get her to bed, clean up kitchen & go to bed early to make up for last night.

How it actually went down: Worked 40 minutes late finishing a last minute project that got dumped on me. Picked up Bianca just as the center was closing. She takes a major header into a dirt pile while skipping to the car and skins her knee in 3 places. I carry her back inside where teachers happily stay to help her get cleaned up and bandaged. My drama queen continues to sob and insists on being carried, can’t get into the car by herself. Says she needs an ice pack. So we stop at CVS where she now has decided she also needs a bottle of water. And a lollipop.

She is walking like Igor of the Dungeon, hobbling and dragging her injured leg behind her like it's a clubfoot. When I try to speed her up she lets out a pitiful whining cry. We finally make it out of CVS to home where she needs to limp over to the neighbors house, as she can see them eating dinner in the window, and tell them about her injury. I get her inside and she wants dinner first. But not the dinner I planned for her, no. She wants the food I put aside for my lunch the next day. Whatever….just eat it. I go upstairs to fold laundry, she doesn’t want to be alone so she follows me. Except she thinks she can’t walk up the stairs so I have to show her how to do it without bending her knee. Good….time for a shower. Of course, my little patient now can’t do it by herself. She’s much too fragile. Oh the holy horror of it all. Every article of clothing is a project with a piercing whine that’s morphed into a single word of “MahBooBoooooooo!!” Finally get her filthy clothes off & into the shower and the water stings her. I go to take off the band-aid the teachers put on (really wasn’t big enough) and she is running in circles in the tub screaming “MahBooBooMahBooBooMahBooBooooooo!! No! No! No!” I get soaked as I hold her and tell her I’m not going to hurt her. Every time I get a fraction of inch away from the bandaid, she pulls her knee away and says “Gentle, Mama!! GENTLE, Be GENTLE!!!!!” I haven’t even touched her yet! I get it off finally and pour peroxide on the scrapes b/c they were very dirty. You would think I amputated her knee cap the way she looked at me and did the silent, red-faced scream of excruciation! Complete with gasps of breath and then a wail that finally emerged as I rinsed it off and poured on a second dose. “Oooouuuuuuuuuuuuccccchhhhhh, the bubbles sting, they sting, the bubbles they sting and I don’t want any more of the bubbles!!! Mamaaaaaa!” Nope, all done with the “bubbles”. We move on to washing the rest of her off when she discovers there has been a secondary injury!! She also skinned her side kindof over her hip bone. She realizes this after she put soap on it and then grabs the water to rinse it off spraying me and half the bathroom in the process. I get her all rinsed off and all she can do is hobble in the tub whimpering “MahBooBoo *sniffle* MahBooBoo *sniffle* MahBooBoo” Doesn’t want me to dry her off, is crying for a band aid, doesn’t want the towel but shivering because she’s cold. I end up basically throwing a nightie onto her wet body and I try to gently pat her knee so I can get it dry for a bandaid but no. Torture. I send her to get started going downstairs since it takes her 10 minutes now. I douse her clothes in Zout & OxyClean to start working on the dirt and put them in the bathroom sink to soak. Go to the stairs where she’s sitting & crying. It’s 9:00 at this point, an hour past bedtime already. I help her limp downstairs and I comb her hair while she finishes dinner complete with moaning & groaning between each bite. Finally her knee has air dried so I prepare to remedy it. I start with some Bactine spray, the stuff that numbs cuts. I spray her knee and she wails that it stings. I point to the words on the bottle, as if she can read them with me, and say “Do you see this?? Sting-Free!! Numbs on contact!! I’ve used this before and I know it does not sting!!” Realizing she’s been trapped, she retorts indignantly “Well, it is very, very WET on my boo-boo!! AND.....it’s stinky!” Aye-yay-yay, this kid. It dries up and I get out the jumbo bandaid. She’s very pleased that her injury is deserving of the giant bandage. I smear antibiotic ointment on it and she gasps when I put it on her cut. I give her this crazed, wide eyed look which clearly conveyed my thoughts of “do not even tell me this stings!!” and she mutters “Boy, that medicine sure is cold!” Finally, 9:30, and we’re limping back up to bed where she’s losing her will to fight me and only has to tell me twice to be careful putting covers on her and not to touch “MahBooBoo.” I go to my bedroom to close the sliding glass door so I can set the alarm and as I do, my screen door falls completely out of the tracks and out onto the deck. I stare. I shrug. I close the glass door. I am drained as I go into the bathroom to wash my face and realize her clothes are soaking in the sink and I have to deal with those first. I sigh. Miss “I-Have-The-Ears-Of-A-Predatory-Hawk” hears this noise and starts calling out “What? What?” I said “It’s nothing, honey”. “Yes, yes…you made a noise like this. (sigh) I heard you make that noise. What? I want to know everything!” Oy vey, is she me!!! I explain to her satisfaction, kiss her goodnight and run downstairs.
~
I sit shell shocked for a minute as I realize I’ve done nothing I needed to do tonight. I evaluate my situation and realize I simply can’t push off the cooking to another night. Spend an hour cooking then a little longer cleaning up and portioning out food into bowls for her school lunches. Chanting most of the time “Just get it done. Just get through it. Just get it done. Just get through it.” I drag myself upstairs at 11:30, look at the pile of laundry on my bed, thank God that the pants I want to wear tomorrow are laying on top. I put them on a hanger and I throw the rest on my floor without even caring. And finally go to sleep. This morning came much too quickly and I, again, had an overtired girl which resulted in quite a similar morning to yesterday. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I am shot.

Don't Cry Out Loud....

2009-04-19T01:58:00.001-04:00

You know how sometimes, something that you have known for a long time suddenly takes an unexpected twist in your mind? For a long time, I’ve been very aware of my issues with food and I’ve been aware that this started with my family. They are a family of food-soothers. Whenever I was sad, upset, angry, whatever….I was fed. Soothe it with food.

~
Friday morning I was driving to work and Bianca was extremely upset. It was a rough morning for her, emotionally. She got up early and asked me if she could watch TV in my bed. I told her yes but that I’d have to turn it off before the show was over because we needed to leave for school/work by a certain time. I told her if she was able to work with me and get ready quickly, she could watch TV for a few more minutes before we left while I dried my hair AND we’d have time to stop at Starbucks for tea & hot chocolate. Well, she spent so much time standing still crying when I turned off the TV that we were late in leaving so there was no more TV and no Starbucks. She pretty much cried for a straight hour and a half. I empathized with her and told her that I understood her disappointment. At one of the calmer moments, I took the opportunity to (again) explain the concept about consequences of decisions.

~
In any case, I found my mind wandering to my Mother. When my Mom witnesses any kind of emotional outburt from Bianca, she is very quick to try to squelch it. Not in an obvious or angry way. But I realized that my Mom does this not just because she can't stand to see Bianca unhappy but because my Mother cannot deal with emotions. I think it's a major trigger for her and one she is not able to deal with AT ALL. It was a seemingly tiny differential but it made me realize something big.
~
For a long time, I've believed that I soothed my emotions with food. But I'm not soothing. There has been nothing TO soothe. I use the food to keep the emotions from being identified or felt at all. That was my mother's MO. Distract and give her something that makes her happy before there is some show of discontent. For the love of God, let us not exibit any bad feelings. No wonder I'm able to absolutely zone out on food. It's obviously unnerving to my Mom when I let Bianca feel, express and work through her emotions. She becomes agitated and edgy. It certainly doesn't make me happy when Bianca is having a hard time but I'm glad that I can allow her the experience that will better ground her for life. I'm still working on it for myself, though.

Child Abuse Spikes In Poor Economy

2009-04-17T09:10:00.000-04:00

This is a news story I saw on Yahoo yesterday. Link to the entire article is here. I never thought about this correlation.

In a nutshell, the stress of job losses and financial strain is driving parents to the point that they take their anger out on their children in the form of severe physical abuse. Other situations are those of neglect, children who are being left alone or not receiving necessary medication for chronic conditions because parents can no longer afford the basics.

At one hospital in MA, they treated 16 children for "shaken-baby syndrome" in all of 2008. So far this year, she's already treated 25. Some parents are arrested and prosecuted, and their children put in the care of relatives or foster families. But overwhelmed and underfunded agencies are not able to keep pace with the rise. Many state agencies and hospital are grappling with the increases while facing budget cuts. In Massachusetts, for example, the Department of Children and Families in charge of protecting children from abuse expects to see its budget cut by $25 million in fiscal 2010.

Who will protect these children?? It breaks my heart.

NEED

2009-04-15T22:34:00.004-04:00

I saw Susan tonight. We talked primarily about Question #9 in the post below. About why I had the urge to contact Tom after I saw him at the ER. It was fairly easy for me to get to the bottom of that urge. What disappointed and angered me after I put my finger on the answer was the realization that I've been here before. I don't recall what prompted it before but I had the exact same conclusion after a previous situation with Tom. I asked Susan how I end up stuck here and what I have to do to move past it.
~
Susan asked me what I was looking for in my fantasy. In this fantasy I have where I give Tom/my father the opportunity to see the pain they created in my life, what would it give to me if either of them took the bait and told me how sorry they were for what they had done. Validation, I answered in a moment of honesty. But then the armor goes up and the anger returns. "But I don't NEED it. I don't need their stupid validation. *I* know what I've been through. I don't need either of them to know it or admit it. It doesn't change anything."
~
Susan told me to notice the intense resistance I have to the idea that I *need* validation of my pain. I said "Of course I'm resistant to it. I don't want to need it because I'm not going to get it. It doesn't do me any good to need it."
~
One of Susan's little catch phrases: "You can only heal what you feel" She tells me that the need exists now because the need existed then when I was a little girl. It wasn't met then and so I've stuffed it away and denied it. The need still exists today because I've continued to deny it. She said I need to acknowledge that the need exists and that it was/is a human need I had/have as his daughter. She asked me to tell her what it would mean to connect emotionally to that need.
~
Inevitable Disappointment. That's what it would mean.
~
Yes, Susan said....because as a child, I learned it was no good to have needs. At the very least needs will not be met. Or worse, I would even be punished for having or stating needs. It became safer to not have them at all.
~
Susan said to release the rational thoughts that try to explain all this away; allow an emotional connection to the pain of not having my needs met as a child. For about 3 seconds, I made the connection and then something happened that I probably can't do justice to in an explanation. My mind literally attacked this connection and assaulted it. I could see it in my head as if this connection was being beaten down by a group of other hateful thoughts who were shouting "You're making this up! This isn't true! It's not as bad as you think it was! Get over yourself! Quit exaggerating!" They beat this new connection right down into submission until it was afraid to re-emerge. I've never experienced something like that in my life and it was bizarre.
~
I love that Susan never makes me feel crazy when I experience such odd things. Yes, she said, so understanding....sometimes you can only allow a connection for a short period because it's so painful. She said I stopped acknowledging my needs long ago because they brought on too much pain and discomfort. This is why I detest my humanity.....because being human means needing. And I hate to need because need equals rejection and pain. How I will manage to make a connection to this need again, I have no idea. But apparently it's what I need to do in order to work it out.

Facing My Roadblock

2009-04-13T15:37:00.001-04:00

So the following (minus the answers to the questions) was written on April 6th....clearly I've been avoiding the topic.
~
Previously, I had a situation with my friend "D" that I posted about here. The following night, he called, knowing I was out at choir rehearsal, and left a message on my voicemail that said "I wanted to call and apologize about last night but I was in a bad mood and you were being whiney. I wasn't in the mood to deal with whining. Could've handled it better, should've handled it better so I'm sorry." Frankly, not an apology in my book when it pretty much says "You were being a pain in the ass so I was forced to hang up to not deal with you."
~
The night after that, I talked to Susan about it. She basically said that my wanting to just shut the door on the situation is not about me wanting to avoid D. It's about wanting to avoid me and whatever feelings and questions have to be dealt with now. I was most irritated with the situation because it did bring to mind many questions about me/us/the point of the friendship.....questions I had no intention of answering if I didn't have to. And I've not done anything since I talked to Susan.
~
So, before I go to bed tonight, I'm going to pose some questions to myself that I will come back and answer hopefully tomorrow. (or a week later.....)
~
1. What have I been gaining from my friendship with D? I gain a certain type of non-threatening companionship. As much as I say I hate "fluff" relationships, it's sort of what I have with D. We talk about great topics...politics, news, world events & history. We talk about day to day stuff. But we never really delve into huge emotional issues. He doesn't know alot of my past, struggles, family issues. He's someone I call at the end of my day, after Bianca is in bed, and I shoot the breeze with him. We laugh, we solve the worlds problems, we talk about movies or silly things. And he's 3000 miles away. No risk.
~
2. What is his honest role in my life? I would have to honestly admit that I've slotted him into this sortof pseudo-boyfriend role where I talk to him nearly every night. I know he has developed feelings for me and I hate to say that while I don't reciprocate those feelings, I don't do enough to make it clear to him that I don't feel the same as he. Yes, I say it sometimes that we're just friends but, by my actions, I'm sure I'm sending a different message because it serves my purpose.
~
3. What is it that prevented me from wanting to go any further with him? I don't understand enough about relationships and love at this point to know how a healthy relationship develops but I can say with a fair amount of certainty he's not the "right" person for me. Some things that happened the first time around gave me an indication that he's not in the right place for me to consider him as a potential partner. For one, when we first started talking, he ran right up into the clouds and told me he wanted to marry me and adopt Bianca. This was within a few weeks of starting to talk and having never met in person. He told me he didn't need to meet me to know he loved me. And there was the whole debacle with him hanging up on me the first time around as well as this time, which is what prompted me to stop talking to him again. I don't think I'm ready for any relationship right now but having D kind of fulfills a certain desire to have a relationship of sorts without any of the complications that go with a real relationship. Now that a "complication" has arisen, I don't even want to deal with it. As if it's intruded on my good time.
~
4. Is my friendship with him benefitting me in any real and healthy way? Well, I'd have to say that the unhealthy aspect outweighs the rest. I can't say it's not healthy to have someone to talk to and laugh with. But it's become increasingly obvious that keeping him in the position I have is really serving to keep me from dealing with my feelings about starting a real relationship &/or facing whatever my fears are about just being alone. Re-reading this....I don't think it's fear of being alone. I think it's just feeling lonely for friendship.
~
5. Was I waiting for a reason to jump on ending our friendship or is this justified? Hmm, I ask good questions! He was planning to come visit in May and I wasn't looking forward to that in the least. In fact, I was downright dreading it and looking for a way out. Why? I didn't want my "pseudo" crashing into my real life. So perhaps I was looking for a reason to end our friendship but that doesn't mean it's not justified. I don't think that D's action were so egregious that they warrant an end to our friendship. But I think the conclusions I've come to since then tell me that, for my own sake, this is justified. I don't think it's good for me anymore.
~
6. Why do I want to run away from the situation and is it healthy for me to do that? My first instinct is to delete this question and pretend I didn't ask it of myself. That leads me to believe I'm touching on something important that I don't want to face. I think I'm feeling stupid or guilty, maybe both. I realize that I made some mistake with D. I admit that I've used him to an extent without being honest about my intentions. Maybe this is some sort of shame about not handling something perfectly and about possibly causing a degree of hurt to someone else out of my own selfishness.
~
7. Explore my feelings that I "owe" him some sort of explanation or closure. What is that about? This is the old theme of other people's feelings being more important than my own. I do feel like I owe him an explanation. I'm also projecting my own feelings of rejection and worrying that I need to somehow find a way to soften this into being my fault for his sake. In honesty, I'm not sure what to do at this point and so I'll move onto the next question since it segues from this one.....
~
8. What now, as far as he's concerned? I'm looking for feedback on this one, really. Do I call him and offer an explanation? What if being honest with him is more revealing than I'm willing to be? Do I call and offer a vague explanation? Or do I just leave it alone and never speak to him again? Neither feels right. I could email as a middle ground but that feels too impersonal and cop-out. The thing is that I don't want to face his questions if I call him to offer an explanation. And at this point, I know he will be bitter. I don't want to deal with that either.
~
And the "bonus material" question:
9. Why the overwhelming urge to email Tom since I saw him in the ER? What is that about? This actually proved to be the easiest question to answer. I was giving it thought last night as I was driving home because I was, again, feeling like I really wanted to reach out to him. Oh yeah....this is some serious projection of my father issues. When I broke it down and asked myself what I would really want the outcome to be.....I'm looking for Tom to feel bad for hurting me. I want him to be sorry and to tell me. I want to keep interjecting myself into his life until he finally realizes how his issues and his rejection tore my life apart. I want to keep giving him an opportunity to figure that out and to apologize to me. The logical side of me is well aware that it's been 2 years since we broke up and he's long since over it. It's me who keeps holding on and looking for a resolution I'm never going to get. And in the bigger picture....it's been a lifetime waiting for my father to figure out the error of his ways. So, I realize what it is....but how do I let that go? How do I find a way to resolve it within myself? And, um...if there is a way to accomplish that without feeling things or doing inner child work, I'd be most grateful. :o)

Blah.

2009-04-03T11:07:00.004-04:00

I feel like crap. Not even sure what the ailment is..... maybe a cold, sinuses, allergies or flu? It seems it doesn't fit into one category and every time I take medication for one set of symptoms, then I feel something else. And I'm supposed to sing at church on Sunday. *sigh*

~
Update, Saturday: Woke up this morning feeling like I'd been whacked square in the face with a sledgehammer. My sinuses so swollen (Gross Alert...) that the product of my first sneeze came out my mouth. That was a first. Aaaand hopefully a last as well. I whimpered in bed for an hour. Sad, sad puppy. Eventually my Mom brought me sudafed and mucinex. I called my Dr & they told me to go to the ER. Hate doing that but I know I need antibiotics. So there I am with Bianca sitting on the little exam partition. I look up and who is standing in the hallway about 30 feet in front of me? Tom. My ex. Who Bianca has not seen in 2 years and I really don't want her to see him. Frankly I didn't want him to see me either since I look like a pile of poop right now! I lept up and drew the curtain in front of us. Unbelievable. And the last time I was there, I ran into Tom's best friend & sister. Can't I get away from that man?
~
In any case, they gave me 4 zithromax in the ER to take on the spot plus a RX for a Z-pack. And told me to keep taking sudafed, mucinex, add in some tylenol b/c I do have a fever, stay out of work for 3 days and follow up with my PCP mid-week. I already "called out" for everything I was supposed to do tomorrow. I haven't felt this horrible in a long time.

WWND?

2009-03-31T00:21:00.001-04:00

What Would "Normal" Do?

Something happened tonight that triggered me. I'm questioning a lot now and wondering what a "normal" person would do.

I have a friend who I will call D. He and I have been friends for about 2 years. We met on an online dating site but we live 3,000 miles apart and have never met in person. When we first began talking on the phone, I let myself become ungrounded and we got too far ahead of ourselves. We started talking marriage, family, future.
~
Several months into our friendship, D wanted to come out here to visit me and meet in person. It freaked me out a bit but I was willing to give it a shot. Shortly thereafter, we were on the phone one night and he told me that something was bothering him, he needed some time to think it through before voicing it to me. He said we could continue to talk about "surface" stuff in the meantime. I told him to take all the time he needed to think through what he needed to say but I would not engage in fluff in the interim. He could call me back when he was ready to discuss what was on his mind. It turned out to be only a day later and he had some criticism of some things I'd said. He didn't like the way I reacted to his words and he ended up hanging up on me. Called me back & hung up on me again. Later that night, he called and apologized and said it wasn't worth throwing away this friendship we'd built.
~
Within another week or two, we had another disagreement and he hung up on me again. And then he left me crazy conflicting messages.....one saying he wanted me to send him back some gifts he'd sent to me because I didn't deserve them. The next saying he was sorry and couldn't we give it another chance. I didn't call him back. I felt like he'd established a pattern of immaturity at that point and I was done.
~
I have a "must" & "must not" list for any future potential partners. One of the musts, and there are only six must, is that he must be able to work through conflict. Hanging up on me doesn't really indicate a good ability to work through conflict. He meets so many of the other criteria on my short, and even the long, list. But this one has always hung in my mind.
~
Many months had passed when I initiated an email to D and asked him if he'd be interested in talking again, as strictly friends, no chance for more than that. He said yes and we started talking again about once a week. Slowly it's progressed to the point that we talk nearly every night. He's smart, he's funny, he's interesting. We have a great time talking. I could tell he was leaning back toward a romantic relationship and while, in words, I did not encourage it, I'm willing to accept that some of my actions said otherwise. D was again making plans to come out here in a couple months.
~
I'm going to register Bianca for Kindergarten in the morning and I'm feeling some sort of way about it. D called while I was in the middle of this and I expressed my feelings about her being in a new environment and so far away from me. He just kept saying "You have to get over it, you have to get over it." That triggers me. I've spent how many years learning how to identify and feel my feelings. I've spent a lifetime "getting over it", repressing bad feelings because it makes other people more comfortable. I told him "I'm upset, I know it will be fine in the end but I'm feeling some sort of way about it right now." Again, he said "You have to get over it." I raised my voice and said "I don't have to get over it. I'm having feelings about it and I am allowed to feel my feelings!!" He paused and said "Well, I have to go eat my chips now so I guess I'll talk to you later." and he hung up on me.
~

I called my friend Jennie and I did the black & white "I'm done. I'm not talking to him ever again." As I recounted the episode with Jennie and I talked about what the past 2 years have been like being his friend, I'm just not sure how to sort it out. I don't know how much is fear on my part, fear of his coming out here, of being confronted with having to make decisions about a relationship. I realize that I selfishly take what works for me out of the relationship. I enjoy the pseudo closeness....having someone to talk to every night yet it's distant enough to be safe. Am I looking for an excuse to end it before meeting and that's why I jumped all over it? And then I started taking the responsibility on myself.....well, I did raise my voice which was not the best way to handle it. Maybe it was my fault. I feel like I have no basis of "normal" and I don't know what to do. I feel completely justified in being done with him. As I talked to Jennie, she was giving me different scenarios and I kept defending my position. In the end, I was getting exasperated and I realized that I was going to keep offering up my "evidence" until I forced Jennie to agree with me. So I told her I was going to shut up and wanted her opinion, unabridged. Well, she actually did at least somewhat agree with me but neither of us have ever had a "normal" relationship so it's hard for either of us to decipher what another type of person might do in the same situation.

I don't intend to be a doormat and accept bad behavior. I also just wonder if I will ever give a man a real chance again. As soon as I see one tiny thing that displeases me or challenges my ability to maintain control, I'm going to bolt?

An Update on My Busy Brain

2009-03-23T12:05:00.004-04:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I often struggle with falling asleep at night due to my "busy brain" which likes to keep anxious thoughts swirling at a pace that would put the Tasmanian Devil to shame!

I'd discussed it last week with Susan and came up with some plans to try to alleviate that. It's been working well but I knew Sunday night would be the true test. That is my worst night because I beat myself up over what I didn't accomplish over the weekend and I get myself worked up about what needs to be done at the office in the morning.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Bianca and I had been out all day on Saturday. From skating lessons in the morning, then a lunch get-together and outlet shopping in the evening. I have to share this because it's so funny. At the outlets, we went to 3 stores for Bianca and then I wanted to make a quick stop in one store for me on the way out. After a few minutes in that store, Bianca says "Mama, are you almost done because I don't have very much time to spend in here!" Like she's got some big plans later, or what? She cracks me up.

I plunked Bianca in my bed with the TV on while I started what I'd intended to be some minor sorting of her new spring/summer clothes. Well, it turned into an all-out wardrobe changing. I pulled out the storage bins and started pulling out too-small clothes and the really heavy winter clothes so I could put them away. I had things layed out all over her room. Finally around 1am, I called it quits. She was still awake! We both slept in my bed until the beautiful hour of 10am! How nice! Through the day, I was able to do all the laundry, put away her clothes, do some organizing, prepared last years spring clothes for sale on Ebay, dishes, cooking & some snuggle time. I had to feel good about that!

When I finally got into bed at night, my mind went to it's familiar place of criticism: "You didn't run the dishwasher, you left a load of laundry in the dryer, you should have done this...you didn't do that...etc." intermingled with "Make sure you wake up early, gotta do XYZ at work, need to sure you finish ABC, but not until you blah, blah, blah." With deep breathing, I was able to turn it around, praise myself for what I did get done and remind myself that I had plenty of time in the morning to begin planning what needed to be done at work. I was successful and I slept solid through the night. Yay!!

I'd Like To Introduce Myself

2009-03-18T21:28:00.002-04:00

.....to me.
~
I saw Susan tonight. We talked about some potential (positive) changes coming with my job and, in turn, some anxiety that is causing me because of impending change & uncertainties.
~
I've mentioned in a few posts that I'm having trouble falling asleep at night. I have what I call "busy brain" which is really just anxiety run amok. I told Susan that I plan to request another Xanax prescription from my Dr in case I need it for bad nights. Of course, that really has to be for emergencies and just a back up plan. The real remedy is for me to learn how to manage my anxieties. Breathing of course is a huge part of that. Grounded breathing. Why do I always need to be reminded of that when I know it already? It's instinctual when I try to comfort someone else.....the first thing I say "Take a deep breath. Relax. Breathe."
~
We discussed how I focus my attention outward. I spend my days being a manager, my mornings and evenings being a Mom. I am running around in a hundred directions because I'm never "nailed down" anywhere. I'm not grounded. I'm focused outside of myself, always. Susan reminded me to use my grounded breathing even during other tasks, that it begins to become a buffer and will keep me centered in the midst of chaos. She suggested leaving small reminders for myself everywhere.....the car, my office, the bathroom mirror, etc until it becomes habit.
~
Susan commented that it's no wonder I can't sleep at night since I never have down time. I jumped to correct her statement by telling her that I *do* have down time most nights. As I said it, a realization hit me. My down time is only physical. I may sit and do something on the computer or watch a show but while I do that, I eat. Eating/bingeing is something I do to emotionally dissociate. I stay physically tense and emotionally disconnected until.......until I get into bed. And then I'm alone with my thoughts with no barrier, no distraction. I'm as anxious as if I were in a room full of strangers. Because, in essense, I am. I never spend time really alone with myself, introspecting, getting in touch with my thoughts, memories, fears. I don't know myself in this way. In fact, I go to great lengths to avoid this connection with my own mind.
~
So as of tonight, I'm on a mission to spend time relaxing.....relaxing in body and in mind.....and getting to know myself again. I think I/"we" have some catching up to do.

***Update: Last night, as I sat on the couch writing this, I was so relaxed that I nearly felt like I was melding into the cushions. As I finished up my entry, I was quite tired. I went up to bed and was able to manage the few thoughts that came into my mind. I think that because I took care of my thoughts before climbing into bed, I had nothing lingering to be anxious about. I fell, and stayed, asleep.

This Disgusts Me

2009-03-17T13:38:00.002-04:00

**Possible Trigger Warning**

I'm sure everyone remembers the case that broke almost a year ago about the Austrian man who had imprisoned his daughter in the basement for 24 years and fathered 7 children with her. The case is in court right now. I was reading an article about the hearing and some of the possible charges and sentences were mentioned.

Fritzl could spend the rest of his life in prison if convicted of homicide. He faces up to 20 years behind bars if found guilty of enslavement, up to 15 for a rape conviction, and one year for an incest conviction.
~

What the hell?? ONE YEAR for incest? For 24 years of repeatedly raping and impregnating your own daughter? Yeah......that's justice, alright. When his daughter and all her children are, in essence, "imprisoned" for the rest of their lives for what he did. I'm glad he has other charges against him so that he'll stay in prison for the rest of his life. But hearing that the penalty for incest is only one year absolutely makes me want to vomit.

The Uncanny Wisdom of a 4 Year Old

2009-03-14T18:33:00.003-04:00

It was a busy morning in our house. I've been struggling with a migraine for a few days and I also seem to be developing some sort of insomnia issue. So I overslept this morning and when I got up, it was run....run....run! Quick shower, trying to get myself & Bianca ready. She had ice skating lessons this AM so I was double-dressing her, packing her bag, trying to grab something she could eat in the car. I ran to Starbucks before class.....it's therapeutic, lol. The caffeine helps with the headache. From lessons, we had to run home to change and grab something for lunch, again that we could eat in the car. Rush, rush, rush to get out the door & get to my hair appointment on time.
~
I finally got in the car after the whirlwind and I said, rhetorically, to Bianca "Don't you ever get tired of feeling like we're running all the time?"
~
My brilliant pre-schooler said "Nope. I just slow down so I can breathe."
~
How did she get so wise??

Facing Fear

2009-03-09T14:38:00.004-04:00

Bianca started ice skating lessons last weekend. She's been asking to learn ice skating for almost a year. So finally I signed her up for a tot class, ages 3-5, no experience. Last week was the first lesson and it was horrible. She was so excited til we got there and people started arriving. She began withdrawing and said she wanted to go home. When it was her turn to get on the ice, she was having no part of it. She dropped down to the ground, cried, said she didn't want to do it. Said she wanted to go home. I was beside myself. I asked her to explain to me why she didn't want to go on the ice. She wouldn't answer me. I know it was just fear of something new. I told her that I understood she was afraid but I was not taking her home. I told her she was getting out on the ice, that it was something she's been asking for and I expected her to try it. One of her teachers took her out onto the ice at my request. Teacher skated her out a little and then tried to get Bianca to get up on her own. No way. Bianca sat on her rear end on the ice and scooted back to the doorway. I told her that I expect her to finish out these classes. If she doesn't like skating at the end of the 10 lessons, then she never has to go back. But told her I will *not* allow her to quit without trying it.

When we left I was pretty upset, angry, flustered. All of the above. I felt humiliated that my child was the only one not going out there. And I felt sad for her that she could miss out on fun activities out of fear. Shortly after we left last week, she told me she'd had fun. Umm? Okaaaaay. Susan, my T, later explained this to me. Bianca was in a fantasy world about what skating would be like. When we got to the class, reality struck. After we left class, she went back to the fantasy! SoI told her that I was glad she had fun (as I grumbled to myself!) and got her all pumped up to go again the following week.

~
Enter following week, this past Saturday. She was not quite as excited to go as she was the week before. I'd prepared myself for the worst. I took her a little early so that she could run around in the skates (BTW, I've decided that if the sport were "carpet skating", she'd be on her way to the Olympics) and I could maybe get her on the ice before her class arrived. It worked! She didn't go far but I did get her to stand and shuffle on the ice a bit. Once her class arrived, she was hesitant but I encouraged her and off she went. She stayed pretty close to one of the teachers most of the lesson but there were several times she was teetering out there all by herself. I cried with joy and pride. I'm so proud of her for doing something she was afraid to try. And she had so much fun! I was clapping and making all kinds of ridiculous cheerleading gestures from behind the glass to show her how proud I was. Then she'd take a few steps and turn around to give me this plump, purple-mittened, thumbs-up! Too cute.

~
When she came off the ice, I picked her up and swung her around. I loved her up, hugging and praising her all over the place. I'd told her I would buy her a pack of bubblegum if she went out on the ice at this lesson. Well, I also ended up taking her out and bought her pink ice skates! So she's been telling everyone how she ice skated all by herself! I say "tell so-&-so what you got!" What does she say? "GUM!" How about the skates, sister???? "Oh yeah, and pink ice skates, too!"

In any case, I can learn alot from my own advice to her and from her courage. Sometimes facing a fear can be debilitating until you just make up your mind to go for it. And then how freeing it can be!

May I Take Your Order?

2009-03-05T09:22:00.005-05:00

There was a time when I didn't want to go to my counseling appointments unless I was having a huge issue. I was missing that whole "onion" analogy, peeling away the layers and all. Eventually it became the topic of discussion at one of my sessions where I felt uncomfortable being there since I had no emergency. As is generally the case now, the sessions where I go without an agenda are often some of the best ones I have. At that particular appointment, Susan pointed out that I have a need to exist in crisis mode. I'm not comfortable "being". This is why I've always worked well under pressure or deadline. That was a couple years ago and I've made some progress.

Last night, I went to counseling without a real agenda. We just start talking and eventually something comes up. We spent some time discussing our last session, because it was a really good one and I'm still mulling over what we talked about. I discussed my stress, particularly at work, where I am so overwhelmed that I can't seem to accomplish anything at all. I told her how I look at all these piles and notes and tasks all over my desk and I can't even make a decision what to do next so I end up doing something completely unproductive to my job (like blogging).

I have so many different aspects to my job at this point and they are completely in conflict with each other. Where one main function of my job requires blocks of uninterrupted time to complete tasks, another part of it requires me to drop what I'm doing and jump on the spot. There is so much hanging over my head that I find it difficult to make a decision about what to do next because I'm always waiting for the........*lightbulb moment*......the crisis. Ooooooohhhh. I'm existing in crisis mode at work. I'm feeling immobilized to take control because I'm waiting for the emergency. I'm waiting for someone else to tell me what to do, for external forces to determine my next course of action. And, in return, I feel controlled and resentful even though I set myself up for this.

Somewhere in here, I need to find my empowerment to take control. Feeling good about getting something accomplished needs to become my motivation instead of only being motivated to serve or please someone else. This holds true at work and at home. I need to know that I am worthy of feeling good about what I'm doing and that actually CAN and should be all the motivation I require. I'm in a Catch 22 of cluttered space = cluttered mind. We talked about a plan I'm putting in place already for home tasks. I broke down big projects into manageable small blocks of time. This way it's not so overwhelming and I can be satisfied by getting a small job done. Somehow I need to now parlay this same type of plan into my work life.

Today I'm focusing on my Sign of Saturn tattoo. I got it to signify empowerment. My power and taking control of it. I'm going to actively work on changing my mindset to one of being in charge, of clearing out the clutter, of determination to make a difference and actively making my own choices about what to work on. I don't need to take orders from others because that pushes me back down to the life I led as a child. I'm done living that way.

Silence

2009-03-04T10:01:00.006-05:00

I was driving to work yesterday and happened to be behind a car with a bumper sticker that caught my attention. It said:

~
Your Silence Will Not Protect You
~

There was a name underneath but I could not make it out. The poor driver probably thought I was being an incredibly rude tail-gater but I really wanted to see the author's name. I never did make it out.

I came to work and I typed the phrase into my web browser. What a goldmine! I have never before heard of Audre Lorde but she has an incredible repertoire of quotes, poems and books. She is a self described "black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet." What a brave and amazing woman. Born in 1934, she was nearsighted to the point of legal blindness. A black lesbian in the 50's yet she attended college, earning her Masters degree and spoke openly for gay rights, feminism, politically active for anti-war and civil rights. How have I never heard of this remarkable woman?

While these may be taken out of context, I still found many of her quotes resonating with me, as a survivor who is still struggling to find the "real me", the point of all I experienced, my voice and a life free of my fears and inhibitions.

"I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.

I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side.

~
Every woman I have ever loved has left her print upon me, where I loved some invaluable piece of myself apart from me--so different that I had to stretch and grow in order to recognize her. And in that growing, we came to separation, that place where work begins.

~
If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.
~

We are powerful because we have survived.
~

The energies I gain from my work help me neutralize those implanted forces of negativity and self-destructiveness that is White America's way of making sure I keep whatever is powerful and creative within me unavailable, ineffective, and non-threatening.
~

I have come to believe, over and over again, that what is important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.

~
When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.

~
Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge”

Her words are so empowering to me. I think the timing was more than coincidence. Right place, right time. I've been kicking around some thoughts, some realizations, about this cyclical pattern I've created where drama begets drama and I can't.....no, make that I *won't* get out of my own way. It's a way for me to rationalize staying "stuck" and not having to deal with change. But this quote, I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side, reminds me that I cannot allow my fear to stop me from pursuing more. It reminds me that I have a life to live here and I need to sieze it. Quit hiding from it.

Some Fun....

2009-02-24T16:10:00.010-05:00

Here's some pics from our snowy weekend in NH. Above.....would you look at that snow? It's a good 7-8 feet high!!

Below.....Jumping on the bed is allowed on vacation!!

Catching some warmth in between sled runs.....

Whheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! She had sooo much fun!

This is as we're getting ready to leave. We always go out for breakfast at the "Moose" diner. We call it this b/c there is a giant statue of a moose in front of the place. Bianca is looking out the window at it and says "Mama, I like the giant moose with the big antlers like this!"

Connections...Connections....

2009-02-21T13:33:00.004-05:00

I saw Susan this morning and went with little on my agenda. I figured we'd talk about my anxiety surrounding Bianca going to Kindergarten and making the right decision for her school. It's often the sessions I have "nothing" to talk about that I get the most out of.
~
When I got there, I started off just filling her in on what's been happening since I last saw her. Told her about our long weekend in NH. Then started in on the stress of the happenings when I returned to the office. I was discussing what she and I have talked about before; how I know everything is about choices and consequences but how I feel like I just can't get a handle on things. There has to be a happy medium between where I am and where I'd like to be. Susan asked me how I was feeling at that moment and I said I was wound up. She had me do a centering exercise and then we started talking again. I said how I have such guilt over what is not getting done and this ever present sense of failure. She asked me where is the evidence that I'm a failure? I said "My back log at work, my messy house...." She then asked me where is evidence to the contrary, evidence of what I'm doing right? Umm. "I don't know" I said. She said "Sure you do," and asked me again. I said "um, Bianca?" She asked me what else and all I could see was what I did wrong, what I didn't accomplish, what I'm ashamed of. I can't see what I've done. I see only what I haven't. And I started to cry. So I knew we were onto something.
~
Susan asked me what the "little girl" had to gain by holding onto the failures? Nothing. I mean, I know that intellectually. What does she have to lose by letting that go? "Familiarity," I answered. She asked me where this thinking comes from and I was easily able to answer that it was outside messages from my father.....stupid, worthless, nothing you do is good enough. And Susan asked me why I so desperately wanted to make him right? Blech. I don't. Nothing pleases me more than making him wrong! Yet I let his messages dominate my thinking about myself, my worth and my abilities.
~
As she and I were discussing this, there were thoughts swirling in my head. It was really, really hard for me to say it but I knew it was a crucial point for me to acknowledge. "My weight," I whispered. "Somewhere in here, my weight plays a huge role. I have this 'fat and lazy' image in my head and I think I'm working so hard, trying to do more than anyone else to prove that I'm NOT fat and lazy yet at the same time, I'm creating a life where that is all I *can* be. Between my eating disorder and the choices I make, too much work, too high expectations, not enough sleep....I make sure that is exactly what I turn out to be." Phew.....the floodgates opened and I cried so hard.
~
When I was done, my chest ached. I mean it ACHED. Because it's where I hold all my stress and pain. It hurt and yet it felt strangely hollow and very, extremely exposed. I hugged one of the pillows from her couch to my chest. She asked me get in touch with what emotion or feeling I had at that moment. I already knew......vulnerable. All I wanted to do was turn off her lights and hide in a corner in the dark. Desperately, my head sought out jokes I could make to break the intensity of what I was feeling. Susan said that I seemed much more "present" at that point. I told her I really didn't want to be present and it took all my energy to remain there emotionally and not to dissociate.
~
After a few more minutes, I told her I was ready to change topics. I knew I'd put something huge out there but I needed to back off of it and mull it over later (knowing I'd come home to my blog!). I realize that I've made an enormous connection that challenges pretty much the entire way I live my life and judge myself. It's going to take alot of energy and processing and conscious thought to start to change the pattern. I'm committed to it but I'm scared to death.
~
I took the last few minutes of my session to discuss my anxiety over Kindergarten. As we talked, I pondered how much of my feelings are "normal Mom" fears and how much is "survivor" fears. She validated that it's a tough thing to sort out since we, as survivors, have such struggle with "normal" and not knowing what it looks like. I mean, for me, 5 years old was not a safe age. So I project MY experience of being 5 onto Bianca, worrying that it will be as full of pain for her as it was for me. I don't want her to be afraid of the world but I was. I started talking about the fact that I'd be sending her out into the world and that I'd be so far away. An hour away. That has been really, really weighing on me. And as I said it, my eyes opened wide when the realization kicked in. This is about *my* mother. My mother wasn't "there" for me and my worry is that because I'm not physically close, Bianca will feel that I'm not there for her. When I know that is so not the case. Because emotionally, I am soooo there for her. Geographical proximity is not what establishes the ability to support her....it's in our relationship and what we build together in our home and in our time together. Ah, things are coming together. Perhaps, by the time she starts in August.....I may just survive it after all.

"Sober"

2009-02-20T13:17:00.003-05:00

"Sober" is a currently popular song by singer, Pink (Left).

I like her alot. I enjoy her music and I've seen her in interviews. She's coming off a recent divorce and her newest music is pretty raw. I'm really diggin it.

It took me a while to really grab the lyrics in this song. Once I did, though, I immediately equated it to my eating disorder and how I use it to stay "high", ie: disconnected from myself/my feelings.

SOBER

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest

Or the girl who never wants to be alone

I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning

'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh the sun is blinding

I stayed up again

Oohh, I am finding

That's not the way

I want my story to end

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence

Cryin scares me cause it screams the truth

Please don't tell me that we had that conversation

I won't remember, save your breath,

'cos what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling

And it whispers to me softly come and play

Aahh, I am falling

And If I let myself go

I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're like perfection

How do I feel this good sober?

I'm coming down, coming down, coming down

Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round

Looking for myself, Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad

Till you're trying to find the you that you once had

I have heard myself cry, never again

Broken down in agony just tryna find a friend

I'm safe

Up high

Nothing can touch me

But why do I feel this party's over?

No pain

Inside

You're like perfection

How do I feel this good sober

Will I ever feel this good sober?

Tell me, No no no no no pain

How do i feel this good sober?

Asleep At The Wheel

2009-02-19T11:02:00.004-05:00

No, it's not some clever play on words or reference to something deep and insightful.

It's literal. I fell asleep at the wheel this morning while driving Bianca to school. It wasn't as cute as this little furry guy to the left, unfortunately.

It's something I struggle with regularly, being over-tired while driving. I have a small arsenal of techniques to combat it. Sometimes I stab my arm with a T pin. Sometimes I munch on almonds. Sometimes I sing along with a great CD. This AM, I had no pin, I had no almonds and I was so tired that the music & open window were not helping. I was swerving all over the road and would continue to wake up a second later to find myself half way into another lane. Right before I got to Bianca's school, I went up onto a curb and grazed a telephone pole. I am very fortunate in so many ways. It could have been so much worse. It's the first time I've actually hit something and I'm freaked out about it. What if it were another car? Or someone walking on the sidewalk?

It's something I've discussed with Susan more than once. It's about consequences. Every decision I make puts a sequence of events into motion. I oversleep and pop out of bed already stressed out and angry with myself. I end up getting to work late so I work late to compensate for being late in the AM. Of course, I'm so tired through the day that I'm not thinking or working at full capacity which puts me more behind and more stressed out. I drink so much coffee to perk up that I get heartburn & jitters. Working late puts me off to a later start when I get home at night. I'm rushing around and I'm stressed out and it spills over onto Bianca with me constantly trying to hurry her along. When she goes to bed, I spend time trying to get stuff done which I don't have the energy to do because I'm exhausted and then I'm stressed about the house being a mess and how much work I have to do at the office and I can't sleep because of the anxiety so I stay up late trying to wind down by watching TV or playing on the computer til I can finally fall asleep at midnight or later. And the alarm goes off at 5am, I smack it around for an hour and the cycle starts over again.

My shoulder/chest pain has been particularly bad the past 2 weeks or so, so I know I'm feeling particularly stressed. I sometimes have the chance to catch up on sleep &/or house stuff on the weekends but not always. And then Tuesdays really kill me. That's my long day when I go to choir after work. So we don't get home til 10:30. It's really rough on Bianca, too. Weds my Mom comes over which is nice. That goes both ways for me....sometimes I take advantage of her being there to entertain Bianca. Other times, I want to be in on the fun, too! Just seems like there are not enough hours in the day and I don't know how to handle it.

This weekend is full for me so I know I'm not going to get much rest. I have decided I'm going to make a point to get the computer equipment I need and am going to ask my boss if I can work from home at least one day a week (preferably Weds). Doing that will allow me 2 1/2 extra hours to sleep and I think will make a big difference. Not to mention that I get 10 times more work done at home when I'm not being interrupted by co-workers. It's a start.

Kindergarten

2009-02-16T22:06:00.001-05:00

I feel like I've been MIA lately but I've not really had much to talk about. Things are pretty status quo.
~
I've not made any progress with my eating disorder. My friend, JS, was on vacation for a couple weeks so I was without her input for that time. She came back right before I left for a long weekend with Bianca in New Hampshire. We had a nice time, playing in the snow and relaxing in the house. I'll post some pictures later in the week. Anyway....JS gave me a packet of information that I've yet to look at. Last week was crazy busy with work things and stress surrounding them. ~
The weekend was good. Saturday was errands. Sunday I was so happy to be able to get together with Enola. We've been friends for a few years now and this was the 2nd time we've been able to meet up. Our daughters are around the same age and had fun playing together. I got to see the new baby who is such a little love!! He's so handsome, happy and "chatty". After we got home, Bianca said "Baby sure did have alot to say!" and told me how much fun she had with Enola's DD, wanting to know when they could see each other again.
~
So, as the title says, the biggest thing on my plate lately has been thinking about sending Bianca to Kindergarten. I mentioned in a prior post that, when I moved here, I was operating under a false impression about Tom's (XBF) place in my life, our future and his involvement with Bianca. I didn't give the public school much thought because we had other plans. *hmpfh* So much for that. I am still, unproductively, holding onto some anger at him about this when really, I have no one to blame but myself. Aaaah, writing.....as the words were forming under my fingertips, I realize that I'm not angry with Tom. I'm angry with myself.
~
What are my options?
~
1. Private school. This was the first thing I looked into. I feel that a smaller classroom and more individualized attention would suit Bianca better. Also, I work an hour from where I live and I would prefer to have her closer to me. Cost is prohibitive, like $17,000 - $25,000 just for the school year. And then another $5,000 or more for summer.
~
2. Religious School. I have some serious issues with religion so this is hard for me to even think about but I'd regret not at least looking into the possibility for Bianca's sake. The Christian academy is nearly as unaffordable as the private schools at about $15K a year. I could actually pull off tuition for Catholic school and there is an award-winning school the town over from me. I spent some time reading their website. I just can't do it. They accept non-catholic students but it seems like the whole point of accepting them is catholicize them! There is so much mass & religious eduction for even the youngest grades. The rules absolutely strip the kids of one shred of individual expression. Right or wrong, I just picture a school of hypnotized clones.
~
3. Magnet &/or Charter schools. Seems like it could be a good alternative being a public school but requiring application & acceptance. Class sizes are slightly smaller. The deadline was 1/27 for registration. So it's now a waitlist lottery. And I'm finding it incredibly difficult to locate these schools. There does not seem to be any master list of schools in the district. I don't know if there is tuition. And then the magnet schools have a theme...the one close to me is International Studies. How do I know if that's the right focus for Bianca?

*Update to this. Made some calls yesterday & learned that despite sharing the title of "Magnet School," the schools are entirely unaffiliated to one another. That is why there is no master list of schools. And I also learned that my local Magnet school had over 400 applications for 60 spots. Soooo...that's out!!
~
4. Finally, public school. This causes turmoil in the pit of my stomach. The price is right, for sure. I'm worried about the distance from my office but changing jobs, particularly in this economy, is out of the question. I'm worried about the quality of the school. I learned something about the school that caused me some concern about how much attention Bianca will get. I posted about my worries on a Mom's message board the other night and I got totally raked over the coals about it.
~
As I examined my statements, thoughts and concerns, particularly in having them questioned and harshly judged, I came to some conclusions. I am going to find fault with any school that is a possibility right now. I'm going to pine away for the private and Montessori schools, wanting to believe they will be better simply because it's not where she is going. The simple fact is that I am terrified to send her to school. It's relinquishing control over her life and influences. I am scared to put her in the hands of strangers. And I think the word "public" sends me into absolute fits of panic and horror. Public....the public....strangers...no control. All the things she is about to be exposed to. The bubble I want to keep her in totally exploding and sending her out into the "real world" where things are ugly and hurtful. I want to shelter her and I don't want her to grow up. That's really what it all comes down to.
~
There is much comfort in knowing that, while in her current Pre-K, I know the teachers and she has grown up with them. It's secured with alarm coded doors and cameras. It's 10 minutes from my office and I can be there in a flash if she needs me or just if I feel like visiting her. It's an open door policy to parents and I can come and go as I please. An hour away from my baby.....who is in the care of unknown people....is presently more than I can handle thinking about.
~
The best thing I can do at this point is to go visit the public school, get a sense of what it is like and see how I feel while there. I didn't think this would be so hard but it's really tying me up in knots. Most of the time, I'm fine with single parenthood. There are two times that it really, really sucks. #1: when I'm in desperate need of a break/me-time and #2: when I feel completely incapable of making a decision on my own, like now.

Mindfulness

2009-02-07T21:36:00.003-05:00

This is from something my T gave me a while back. Thought it would be a good reminder for me and maybe helpful to someone else in the process. I used to have a terrible problem with what my T called "storytelling" where I would let my thoughts completely run away with me into a paranoid fantasy or where I'd rerun something through my mind over and over again and beat myself up over it. Fortunately, I've been able to really get that under control with a single word, which is "Unproductive!" Still, I have yet to master things like allowing thoughts to come into my mind without pushing them away.

TAKING HOLD OF YOUR MIND: "What" Skills

OBSERVE:
JUST NOTICE THE EXPERIECE. Notice without getting caught in the experience. Experience without reacting to your experience.
Have a "TEFLON MIND" letting experiences, feelings and thoughts come into your mind and also slip right out.
CONTROL your attention but not what you see. Push away nothing. Cling to nothing.
Be like a guard at the palace gate. ALERT to every thought, feeling and action that comes through the gate of your mind.
Step inside yourself and observe. WATCH your thoughts coming and going, like clouds in the sky. Notice each feeling rising and falling like waves in the ocean. Notice exactly what you are doing.
Notice what comes through your SENSES ~ your eyes, ears, nose, skin, tongue. See others' actions and expressions. "Smell the roses"

DESCRIBE:
PUT WORDS ON THE EXPERIENCE. When a feeling or thought arises, or you do something, acknowledge it. For example, say in your mind, "Sadness has just enveloped me" or "stomach muscles tightening" or "A thought of 'I can't do this' has come into my mind"
PUT EXPERIENCES INTO WORDS. Describe toyourself what is happening. Put a name on your feelings. Call a thought just a thought, a feeling just a feeling. Don't get caught in context.

PARTICIPATE:
Enter into your experiences. Let yourself get involved involved in the moment, letting go of ruminating. BECOME ONE WITH YOUR EXPERIENCE, COMPLETELY FORGETTING YOURSELF.
ACT INTUITIVELY from wise mind. Do just what is needed in each situation.
Actively PRACTICE your skills as you learn them until they become part of you, where you use them without self-consciousness. PRACTICE: 1. Changing harmful situations, 2. Changing your harmful reactions to situations, 3. Accepting yourself and situations as they are.

TAKING HOLD OF YOUR MIND: "How" Skills

NON-JUDGMENTALLY
See but DON'T EVALUATE. Take a non-judgmental stance. Just the facts. Focus on the "what", not the "good" or "bad", the "terrible" or "wonderful", the "should" or "should not".
UNGLUE YOUR OPINIONS from the facts, from the "who, what, when, where."
ACCEPT each moment, each event as a garden accepts both the rain and the sun and each leaf that falls upon it.
ACKNOWLEDGE the helpful, the wholesome, but don't judge it. Acknowledge the harmful, the unwholesome, but don't judge it.
When you find yourself judging, DON'T JUDGE YOUR JUDGING.

ONE~MINDFULLY
DO ONE THING AT A TIME. When you are eating, eat. When you are walking, walk. When you are bathing, bathe. When you are working, work. When you are in a group, or a conversation, focus your attention on the very moment you are in with the other person. When you are thinking, think. When you are worrying, worry. When you are planning, plan. When you are remembering, remember. Do each thing with all of your attention.
If other actions or thoughts or strong feelings distract you, LET GO OF DISTRACTIONS and get back to what you are doing ~ again, and again, and again.
CONCENTRATE YOUR MIND. If you find you are doing two things at once, stop and go back to one thing at a time.

EFFECTIVELY
FOCUS ON WHAT WORKS. Do what needs to be done in each situation. Stay away from "fair" and "unfair," "right" and wrong," "should" and "should not."
PLAY BY THE RULES. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
Act as SKILLFULLY as you can, meeting the needs of the situation you are in. Not the situation you wish you were in, not in the one that is just; not in the one that is more comfortable.
Keep an eye on YOUR OBJECTIVES in the situation and do what is necessary to achieve them.
LET GO of vengeance, useless anger, and righteousness that hurts you and doesn't work.

January 25th

2009-01-25T12:49:00.002-05:00

Today is my XBF's birthday. His name is Tom. He's been on my mind alot lately just because of the time of year. We broke up 2 years ago just before I moved here and I've not seen him since. We live in the same town and I've not so much as passed him on the road. Until yesterday. I was getting ready to pull out of my complex when he passed by on the road and all these feelings came flooding back.
~
Two years ago this month was when I started the process of buying my condo. There were a few factors that led me to this particular condo. One of the big perks being that it was 2 miles from Tom's house. He came to look at the condo with me and also liked it. He talked about partially living with me and part at his house, where he was caring for his sick mother and brother. When I made the offer on this place, he was totally into it, talking about plans, our future & Bianca's future. We talked about this being somewhat temporary, believing that by the time Bianca started school, we would move to a home of our own or at least have the income necessary to have other options, like private school, available to us.
~
I failed to see alot of red flags in him throughout our 2 1/2 year relationship (We dated 10 months, broke up but stayed close friends for 9 months and got back together for another 10 months). To start with, he'd never had a relationship longer than 3 months before he met me and he was almost 40 years old. I didn't pay enough attention to the dysfunctional dynamics in his family. I listened to his words and didn't pay enough attention to his actions. I will say, though, in the first 2-3 months of our relationship, each time around, he treated me like a princess. It made it that much more confusing when things started changing. I excused it. I clung to the way things used to be and didn't give weight to how things were in the here & now. I just held onto hope that it would go back to how it used to be.
~
The second (final) time we broke up, it was the week before I closed on my condo. He was so into it when I put in the offer. And when the idea of our future and commitments became a reality, he bailed. I remember so vividly leaving the closing and coming to my new home. I had packed a little picnic lunch of salad, strawberries and a martini. I sat down on my dining room floor and I cried and cried and cried. It was so bittersweet and I was so angry with him for breaking all his promises, for saying all the "right" things to me which fed into my building this false idea of happiness and security. It was all an illusion but, in my mind, it was so real and so infallible.
~
I'm now trying to make decisions about where Bianca will go to school. I work an hour from where I live and I hate the thought of having her so far away. I can't help but regret that I didn't take school into account when I moved; that I listened to his promises. I can't help but be reminded of where I thought I'd be in my life at this point. And, don't get me wrong, I am happy and I'm better off without him. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I sometimes wish he had turned out to be the person he said he was.
~
I have to believe that there was a reason I saw him yesterday.....I guess it was time for me to confront some of these feelings again. I started to cry when I saw him and I'm not sure why. My first instinct was that it has to do with feeling bad about myself and feeling ashamed of how I look now. I stuffed it down right away because I didn't want to explain to Bianca why I was crying. She's *really* into Why? Why? Why? right now without accepting any brushoff answers. I didn't have the energy for it. Of couse now that I've stuffed it down.....who knows if I can get it back.