Believe

I've gotta tell you I'm in an amazing place lately.

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I have been on a health journey since November. I've lost 42 pounds. It has not been particularly fun or easy. But every time that scale moves down again, it's worth it. It seems slow but I've hit a number now that feels significant to me and I'm definitely seeing the change in my appearance and in the clothes I can wear. I feel like "myself" again. I have some confidence back. I've dumped the frump and I got me some swagger. :o)

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Beyond that, I had a makeup consultation with a professional and learned some things about how to wear makeup more flattering for my age. And I got my hair colored and cut. And I whitened my teeth. And I bought a few new outfits.

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I remember this "me." This is the girl who, 8 years ago, tackled some shit and came out strong. This is the girl who went hard core on assertiveness training and left her abusive ex-husband. This is the girl who spoke her mind, who felt like she deserved some good things and wasn't afraid to say so. This is the girl who represented herself in court and kicked ass. I LIKE this girl.

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Last night I was at acupuncture. My doc was preparing for a lecture and was compiling notes/data about some of his cases. He told me he found a common theme among his patients when comparing people with dramatic results and those with mediocre results. Attitude. Belief. There are some who do not believe in the process. They do not believe they can get well. He said some people want to "own" their disease.

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Well, as far as the physical, I don't feel that way. I fully believe in chinese medicine. I wholeheartedly believe in the mind body connection. Acupuncture has been a God-send for me and it's helped me far beyond anything western medicine was ever able to accomplish. And I believe it will continue to get better.

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But I realize, I do NOT have that same belief when it comes to my emotional healing. I do not always believe that I can beat those demons. I don't always have faith in my strength. And you know what? I hate that. I want to own that part of my life....and I don't mean "own" it in the way that I'm identified with it. I mean, I want to OWN it like I want to make it my bitch!! Why not? Why can't I heal? Because I continue to identify with that broken part of me. This is MY time. The rest of me is so full of life, joy, confidence right now. This is the time for new beliefs and new revelations. This is my time to believe in me and all that I can do.