Kinda......Lost.

I think I might be depressed.  I feel like I'm in a hole every day at one point or another.  I have regular thoughts of hating my life and wondering what the hell the purpose of it all is.  I'm not suicidal or anything.  I just feel kinda.....lost.  Or maybe just alone. I think it's more than I can ponder at this moment without completely falling apart.  As much as I really probably need that emotional release, there is never a convenient time to lose it.  KWIM?  Life must go on.

B's school struggles and focus issues have been heavy on my mind.  A recent conversation challenged my course of action and it was exceedingly uncomfortable for me.  I mean, I know that I don't take (perceived) criticism or even advice well at all.  But I had to consider why I felt so overwhelmingly threatened when I know the statements were well intended.

Here is the thing......I don't even really believe in ADD.  I'm not looking to open a debate about it.  I understand many people deal with it and everyone chooses their own course with the intent to do right by their child.  That is wonderful.  My own personal feeling is that it is very real symptoms caused by a variety of sources but it is not inherent to the sufferer.  I've read enough information and case studies that I feel comfortable in my belief. That's just me and that is all I need to worry about right now.

Despite that, I am *considering* having B evaluated for "ADD" and going another route to help her.  Here is the problem in that...... while medication may help alleviate her symptoms, I feel it is the worst, most horrible, harmful cop out I could ever consider.  I am vehemently opposed to drugs and to big pharmaceuticals in general.  I KNOW that I could improve her symptoms with a combination of diet, naturopathic therapies &/or herbal supplements and behavioral therapy.  Unfortunately, unless I win the lottery and can quit my job, I do not have the time and the resources to do so.  And that makes me feel like a total failure.  I absolutely feel like I have given up on her, am throwing up my hands and just caving to the easy instead of doing what I believe is right.  And I hate myself every second for it.  Yes, even if it works.  

B's father reached out to me this morning.  God, what bad timing.  I want to spill my guts to him and ask for his input.  I want to ask him to step up.  I want to tell him that she needs him, *I* need him.  Blah.  I want to tell him that she was upset yesterday.  Her karate instructor asked for help after classes on Saturday with taping the floor mats.  He said the moms cut the tape, the kids run it to the dads and the dads do the taping.  B thought we would not be allowed to help because she doesn't have a dad.  It's the little stuff like that that comes out of nowhere and reminds you all the small ways she feels that absence.  I wish I had someone in this with me who could be a sounding board, another set of eyes, another valued opinion of where we should go next in this journey. 

Girl Put Your Records On.....

Or, more to the point, take the record off. Smash that stupid thing on the ground.

So I've been dating.

Well, at least I've been *trying* to date. I joined a dating site about 3 months ago. It's been pretty pathetic, really. Imagine my surprise when about a month ago, I randomly met a guy out of the blue at a fall festival and we hit it off. We've been talking and have gone out three times now.

Last week, as I struggled with some feelings about this man, I realized (and it kills me to admit this) I have no problems with being wanted/desired, objectified even. I'm frighteningly comfortable there. Yet still I feel completely undeserving of love.

On date #2, we did a lot of kissing and flirting and I left there feeling like oh great, now I "have" to finish what I started. Like I owe him now. Because naturally this must be all he wants from me. I know I don't owe him, BTW....it's just the old messages inside of me. There is a sense of dread that I "have" to go through with it. Yet at the same time that there is a sense of relief that says "phew, you can just sleep with him....you know how to do that. Don't think about it...just do what he wants." What I don't know is how to evaluate if he (or anyone) is actually a good person for me, if I want them on a deeper level, if they deserve me. And I really don't know what to do with the feelings of liking him and the fear of rejection. Which naturally would just reinforce the whole "you're not lovable" mantra that lives at my very core.

It's that old record....this is all you are good for. This is your worth. You are an object to be used at the discretion and the will of others. You don't deserve love. If you did, your father would have given it to you. Your brother would have been taught to respect you. You have no right to anything good, whole and pure. This brand of happiness is not in the cards for you, kid.

It doesn't help that I have ZERO idea what is "normal." Sex is such dangerous territory for me. I get lost in it. It's too familiar and way too easy to detach from. Or maybe I should say it's almost necessary to detach from because just forbid I allow myself to be vested in it and suffer the shame and disappointment. I know how to navigate *just sex* but I don't know how to command a man's respect and to feel confident in the knowledge that I deserve to be wanted on every level. I don't feel worth waiting for. I feel like the only thing I have of value is sexual. I feel worthy of being screwed, abused & dumped. I don't even feel like a guy would want to spend money on me to take me out. Like I had better offer to pay or else we'll never go anywhere because certainly he's not going to waste his money on me.

I can't separate what is "normal" feelings of attraction and excitement vs what is me just wanting to run to the familiar and not have to think along a different route that, frankly, is totally counter intuitive for me. I can't ever count myself among "normal" people when it comes to sex because sex has absolutely NO normal context in the whole of my life. Will it ever make sense?

STUPID

I'm having a rough week. There are many different things going on that have led me here but the one really weighing on me right now is my daughter. Or as I now realize....it's actually me. Inner child me and my biggest fears about myself.

Bianca has some challenges with learning. She has a neurotransmitter imbalance which causes ADD like symptoms. It's incredibly frustrating for both of us. I'm going to admit something horrible here for the sake of being honest and for helping myself process what it is I'm feeling.

Lately, I want nothing more than to slap her across the face and tell her she is lazy and stupid.

Of course, I have not and I will not. But I give in to my frustrations and I envision it in my head. I am a horrible person for even letting that cross my mind and the guilt is eating me alive. It was not until the other day that I realized I'm not talking to her in those instances. I'm talking to me. Exactly the way my father talked to me. And guess what? My father felt those things about himself, too...but he gave in to putting it all on me. And I grew up feeling stupid and lazy. And still, to this day, despite all evidence to the contrary, I still feel stupid and lazy. If I am not multi-tasking, accomplishing everything perfectly, making all the right choices, having all the right answers then clearly what he told me is true. And now I'm passing it on to my daughter. Because I'm starting to think that some, if not all, of her issue is what she is picking up from me. She asks me the stupidest questions and I can feel myself look at her with disgust. And I mean stupid. Like she will ask me where something is when it's right in front of her, where it always is. And I can tell she is kidding/pretending. But she will defend her mock confusion with arguments & tears if need be. I tell her I know you are smarter than that, it's not cute to pretend you're not smart. But the way I feel when I answer her, mentally slapping and calling her stupid....I mean, she's....well, she's not stupid! Kids are incredibly perceptive. I'm just starting to think that she is creating a self fulfilling prophecy or she's drawing in my negative attention. It could be that she is picking up on the feeling that she will never be good enough to please me so she just isnt' going to try. I don't feel that way about her....but I feel that way about ME and the lines are just so horrifically blurred for me right now.

I feel like I'm setting her up for major failure here. I am disappointed that she is not excelling in school. I am ashamed of her for not being super smart, loving school and excelling at it. I am envious of other parents of kids who are doing better. I am exhausted by the extra effort required for the most basic of tasks. I want to tell her she'd better make sure she stays skinny because she's going to have to count on her looks. So in one swoop, I'll be sure to degrade her intelligence and set her up with an eating disorder. What a stellar mom I am. Truly I do not deserve her. I am highly resentful of the energy and time I have to spend trying to figure out what her problem is. And it turns out the problem could very well be me. Like I needed to be more disgusted with myself right now.

I am falling apart at the seams right now. I have so many issues with her, school, medical and otherwise and I feel like I need a partner to bounce all this off. But I have no one. I am alone in this and I'm terrified to make a wrong, ie: stupid, decision.

I feel like I am failing in every single aspect of my life at this moment.

The fact is I do believe I'm stupid at my core. And I've found ways to compensate for that. In fact, I've worked extremely hard to put on what I feel is a facade of success and intelligence. In my head, I know that I'm smart. But my heart so believes my father. And I'm still letting him control me. And why do I do that? I must be stupid.

Failure

"A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it. "

~Alexander Dumas

Well, my five seconds of being a perky cheerleader are clearly over. I am bearing arms against myself now, apparently.

And I hate, hate, hate how it all just flips on a dime and it's all based on this stupid diet. The diet is the catalyst but then, in my head, it snowballs into everything in my life. I can't lose anymore weight so I will be stuck here and I am a bad example to my daughter and a horrible mother and she will be ashamed of me and I'll die early and leave her all alone but before that happens people will judge me and hate me and no one will ever love me again and I'm dumb and stupid and bad at my job and don't make enough money and I'm a rotten horrible person with no right to live. Not that I get carried away or anything.

So I'd lost about 40 pounds. And then I was stuck for two weeks and I was super frustrated. But then I lost 3 1/2 pounds in a week and that was the I-love-life-everything-is-awesome-and-sunshine-and-rainbow-unicorns post. And then I stayed even for a week, no biggie b/c I figured I was adjusting. Which resulted in the okay-I'll-keep-trying-to-stay-positive post. And then, without doing anything different, I *gained* 4 pounds the next week. What?? How could it be? That was two weeks ago and I've really not moved since then. Well, at last check I was down 1 of the 4 pounds and I've been too depressed to get back on the scale.

Okay. Things I know....the scale is not 100% of the story. There are things like measurements and transitioning fat to muscle and just plain doing the right thing for my overall health. I get it. Another thing I know is that something is going on with my body. I think my hormones are in a major uproar from the recent weight loss. I suspect this is behind the plateau. It doesn't matter. Because, for me, the scale is 100% the measure of success. And when it's not moving, or worse, moving in the wrong direction, there is only one answer. I.AM.A.TOTAL.FAILURE.

I have a degree of BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). In a nutshell, this means that what I see in the mirror at any given moment is a reflection of how I'm feeling about myself, not of my true physical form. A couple weeks ago, I looked in the mirror and I saw a beautiful, curvaceous, sassy woman smiling back at me. Now I see this hideous, fat, frumpy, inexcusable failure glaring back with utter disdain. Every.Day. And I hate that chick.

I hate myself every minute of every day and remind myself of it repeatedly. Never endingly.

And it makes me want to binge in the worst way. Except so many people have been watching my success and I think I would about die of shame if they now saw my failure. So, essentially, I feel like I am letting all these people down and, naturally, I feel like they are judging me because I'm no longer succeeding. I hate that the results of my endeavor are so visible...that I could not keep it secret if I tried. Because I'm living in fear, paranoia, guilt, shame, disgust. I feel stuck. Trapped. I hate myself, I hate every morsel of food I put into my body. I hate feeling hungry and I hate feeling not hungry. I agonize over every calorie, every bite, every decision, every urge, every thought. Every minute. Of every day.

Yes, it takes a lot of work to be this kind of a failure.

??????????

My head has been reeling for the past 24+ hours.

~

I've been friends with "JH" for six years. His life has been through some turmoil the past few. I've always done my best to be supportive on his terms, the way I know he prefers.

~

About six months ago, Bianca was going through a rough time with father issues. I reached out to JH, who is a father, for advice. He asked me if he could be more involved in her life. He asked me if he could be her GodFather. I considered it. I told him my concerns and I made him promise me that he would take this seriously b/c I can't have another man in her life to let her down. He promised. And at first he did well. The last time we had plans, about 3 weeks ago, he cancelled on us. He asked if we could make plans for today, going to a huge fair.

~

The turmoil I mentioned above involves custody issues with his ex. It's been ugly for sure. He had court yesterday. Apparently it was a bad day in court and he ended up not coming today. He didn't even come out and tell me. He was being cryptic about it and when I asked him to black & white it for me, he didn't respond. I'm sure, in his (Mars) world, he was clear.....but in my (Venus) world, I was confused. I don't do vague.
~
I'm struggling with feeling angry at him but not understanding if I have the "right" to. He knew he had court when he suggested these plans. He knows how it goes everytime he sees her in court. He did say this was worse than he expected it to be. Here's where I get muddled. In theory I can understand taking care of yourself & your own needs. But it's not something I often do. So I'm sitting here wondering is he doing something healthy & "normal?" Am I being unreasonable that I expect him to put that aside & keep his promise? That is what I would do. Hard for me to understand making a choice for self over the promise to a child. I would feel different if it was just plans for me and him. (I think)

~

Making matters worse Bianca would not express emotion about it at first. She was trying not to show her teary eyes. I was trying to get her to identify how she felt. She got angry & said she didn't feel anything then said she wanted to be alone. I left her alone & she started sobbing. So did I. I went back to her room to show her I was crying too, that it was ok to feel sad and cry. She got onto my lap, hugged me and cried. I'm pissed at him for disappointing my baby. PISSED. And if he felt he had to do it, I wish he would have been man enough to say hey, have her call me in the morning so I can tell her and you don't have to be the one to break the news.

~
And I realize the irony in what I said. I'm upset that Bianca feels the need to repress emotions & I'm angry at JH for not repressing his in order to suck it up & go to the fair! I can't make sense of what are my issues & what are the feelings from his actions. Why I'm entitled to feel my feelings but I'm angry with him for how he's acting on his. I don't know what is appropriate for me to share with him about what I'm feeling. And I'm afraid if I tell him I'm angry then he won't be my friend anymore....yeah I know the answer to that last part. I'm feeling vulnerable & I detest it. Feelings. *spit*
~
I'm angry at myself for putting faith in him, for encouraging Bianca to have faith in him. I'm angry at him for consciously committing to be the good-influence, male role model in her life and then breaking his word to her. I feel like this is further "evidence" that people can't be trusted. And frankly, the last thing in the world Bianca needs in her life is another man who can't keep his word. I know this steps on the toes of my own father/men issues and the line is very blurry but mostly I am angry about being left to explain it to Bianca and having to make excuses and comfort the disappointment she's feeling at the actions of someone else. I'm disgusted that he would break his word to her......it's incomprehensible to me and I have no idea if those feelings are completely wrong or displaced. It makes me want to run away from him because I'm hurt and I like to run from people who hurt me and never give them the chance again. Except now I've glorified him in my daughter's mind and I'm just really, really ANGRY at myself for doing that. I am embarassed that his promise to me/her means so little. Like it's another stamp of my apparent unlovability. And for some reason I don't understand at all, I feel intense shame when having to tell my mother about this. Not even trying to delve into that part yet.
~
I totally want to call him and make him feel guilt. I wanted to send pix messages of Bianca crying or have her call JH and ask why he's not here. Then I feel like a creep & bad selfish friend that I want to kick him when he's feeling down!!! Its very conflicting. I don't understand what to do with any of it.

Stalled Labor

I had a dream Tuesday night. I was pregnant and in labor. And in labor. And in labor. For days. The labor was not progressing. I kept asking the nurses to check me and see if I was getting any closer but I wasn't. I was really frustrated. Then I made a tiny bit of progress and I remembered how much the epidural hurt. All of a sudden I began to feel really terrified about giving birth and I didn't want that baby to come out at all.

~

In dreams, being pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. It may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. So the fact that my labor is stalled means this goal is something I'm having trouble bringing about. Yet when I make some progress, the fear of the pain makes me not want to have the baby at all. This made such absolute perfect sense to me because it's exactly where I'm at in my life.

~

I was in a really lousy mood on Weds, as evidenced by my last post. Tuesday evening I was triggered by an event which progressed into a barrage of self-hatred, beating myself up for everything I am and everything I do. I was sharing this with Susan on Weds night and describing the frustration of not being able to pull my life together. I'm unhappy with so many things, I feel like I'm constantly in some state between disorder and disaster. I can't focus on anything. For instance: I want to sit down and pay the few bills that can't be done online. I pick up the bills, I go to sit down at the table. Bianca has her toys all over the table. I begin to pick them up and then I see she's taken off her socks and left them on the floor which reminds me I have to do the laundry so I go upstairs to get the rest of the dirty clothes when I remember I never put that box in the attic. I drop the socks, go into the attic where I see a box of craft supplies which reminds me Jen and I were going to take stock of what we had and see if we could pool & sell it. So I take that box down from the attic and put it on the table where I was preparing to sit & pay my bills and then I'm flustered and overwhelmed. So I have something to eat and do nothing. I describe the same type of things at work. I seem easily overwhelmed and like I'm going in circles, never making any significant headway. And then I feel disgusted and ashamed that I can't seem to do what I need to do. So I put it all away in denial-land where I stuff it down firmly with food and engage in some useless, mindless activity which then solidifies the belief that I'm a useless piece of crap. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

~
Susan asks me the question I dread. Do you think this has anything to do with your addiction? She tells me what I described is a classic addict behavior. I've done some web searching but not really come up with any model of "classic addict" signs. I do see that addiction to any substance contributes to anxiety, avoidance, being easily overwhelmed. Maybe that's what she means.

~

"Food addiction is a contemporary term used to describe a pathological disorder; the compulsive, excessive craving for and consumption of food. This condition is not only manifested by the abnormal intake of food, but the intake and craving for foods that are, in themselves, harmful to the individual. While society and the medical profession have readily understood alcoholism and drug abuse, it is only in recent years that there is an equal acceptance of the fact that persons may be addicted to food in the same way. (I'd argue that point....but that's just me) When any substance is taken into the body regardless of its potential for harm or in excess of need, that substance is said to be abused. Individuals who abuse substances in such a way are addicts; these persons become physiologically and mentally dependent upon certain substances, in this case food. Food addiction, as with any other addiction, is a loss of control. The individual understands that their way of eating is harmful, but continues the destructive behavior. The phenomenon of food addiction is both physiological and psychological. Many individuals have what may be termed 'food allergies.' These are trigger foods which when ingested cause negative symptoms and changes in the body but at the same time provoke cravings. The individual, for instance, the diabetic, may be made 'sick' by the intake of sugar, but will still continue to crave it and eat it in excess, with adverse effects. These chemicals mimic the body’s natural painkillers, endorphins, and have thus been termed 'exorphins' which produce a narcotic-like effect. Individuals may be suffering from depression, low self-esteem or loneliness; they will find a high when ingesting large quantities of food or certain foods such as salt or chocolate. The immediate high gives way to a sick feeling or guilt, leading to more depression. Because the addict is out of control, he or she will turn once again to the same eating patterns in a conscious or unconscious effort to feel better."

~

That pretty much says it. I want this cycle to stop but I don't know how to make it stop. And I don't know where to turn. I want to do it myself because that's just my MO. Do it yourself. Be strong. Be self-sufficient. Be *Perfect*. Don't need anyone or anything. Don't lean on anyone. Don't open up to or be vulnerable to anyone. It leads only to rejection and pain and strengthens my perceived need to isolate. My horrible experience with Renfrew was a perfect example of why I don't want to reach out for help. Yet I sit here ready to admit, IN MY HEAD, that I cannot do this alone. I am at that point where I can accept, IN MY HEAD, that I am powerless over the addiction. Yet, in my HEART, I still want to believe I can do it. I can make it work. I am strong enough to beat it. And every day I have this battle realizing my head knows where it's at but feeling like a failure because I can't defeat this by myself. All the while **terrified** to reach out for help. Terrified to fail. Terrified to change. Terrified to succeed. Part of me is so ready and the other part of me wants to bury my head in the sand.

~

When I think about the logistics of it, I am definitely overwhelmed. Food addiction is something that's NOT widely accepted as an addiction. In the eating disorder community, it's still characterized as "Eating Disorder; Not Otherwise Specified." Heath insurance carriers don't recongnize it as an addiction and therefore programs and payments are severely limited. There are a couple eating disorder clinics around here but they don't offer the same programs for food addicts as they do for, say, anorexics and bulemics. So where does this leave me? Here are my options to consider in some combination:

1. Overeaters Anonymous (OA) which is a viable option and I'm looking into meetings. Last I looked, the local meetings were not conducive to my schedule. But I'll look again. And, there is that whole "higher power" thing that still makes me want to cringe and run screaming. I'm going to try to look past that right now.

2. A psychiatrist versed in eating disorders who may be able to prescribe medication(s) with proven results in cutting down cravings.

3. A nutritionist, again versed in eating disorders, who can "represent" food for me and help me attempt to establish a healthy relationship with food, something I have never had.

4. Holistic/Natural remedies. I am strongly driven to try acupuncture as a stress reliever, energy mover and an assistance to my recovery.

5. Energy Tapping to also help in changing or removing the energy associated with my cravings and urge to binge.

6. Counseling, of course, as continued support in my recovery and to help in learning new coping tools.

~

Okay, so #5 & #6 - no brainers. Easy to accomplish. #1 is going to be a challenge but I will give it a try. Susan did say that if I can get to a number of OA meetings in the beginning I could then switch over to AA or AlAnon meetings since they use the same 12 step program. They are generally easier to find. If I can get to one that is local to my office then I don't have to worry about child care and that alleviates a huge obstacle. She did, however, suggest the "90 in 90" which is 90 meetings in 90 days, generally considered as an alternative for people who are unable to go to a traditional rehab facility. I don't know about that.

~

#2 - the thought of trying to find this type of person, of telling my story and talking about my addiction with a stranger AND taking more meds really doesn't appeal to me on any level. But having reduced cravings does sound good. Still, I think I will put this one at the bottom of my list and resort to it if #4 & #5 don't help. #3 - oh yuck. Yuck. Yuck. The most I can consider for this one right now is to talk to a friend of mine who works in that field. #4 is something I really desperately want to give 100% to trying. It presents an enormous logistical challenge in location, timing and expense. In any case, I just left a voicemail for the natural health center to call me back. I mean....if I'm going to make a commitment to doing this, then I just need to do whatever is necessary. My boss is super cool and I know he would give me leeway with hours & time off if I need it.

~
Key words here "if I'm going to make a commitment to this." Am I? Because every time I think I'm ready, I talk myself out of it within hours and conveniently lable the prior resolve as a moment of temporary insanity. I think I'm really afraid to fail. I have enough shame already just being what I am. I don't know if I can take the added shame of failing in my attempt to be something better. I think I don't believe that I CAN be different anymore. And I'm really scared to let go of my addiction because it serves as my friend, my relationship, my comfort, my shield and my protection. Despite the fact I know it's hurting me immensely and robbing me of health, joy and life, I'm really afraid to be out in the world without my security-blanket. I know I can't change if I don't try but I'm so afraid to try that I feel near paralyzed.

Do you ever just have one of these days where you simply cannot stand one thing about yourself and you really wish you could just get away from you?? I'm so there right now.

January 25th

Today is my XBF's birthday. His name is Tom. He's been on my mind alot lately just because of the time of year. We broke up 2 years ago just before I moved here and I've not seen him since. We live in the same town and I've not so much as passed him on the road. Until yesterday. I was getting ready to pull out of my complex when he passed by on the road and all these feelings came flooding back.
~
Two years ago this month was when I started the process of buying my condo. There were a few factors that led me to this particular condo. One of the big perks being that it was 2 miles from Tom's house. He came to look at the condo with me and also liked it. He talked about partially living with me and part at his house, where he was caring for his sick mother and brother. When I made the offer on this place, he was totally into it, talking about plans, our future & Bianca's future. We talked about this being somewhat temporary, believing that by the time Bianca started school, we would move to a home of our own or at least have the income necessary to have other options, like private school, available to us.
~
I failed to see alot of red flags in him throughout our 2 1/2 year relationship (We dated 10 months, broke up but stayed close friends for 9 months and got back together for another 10 months). To start with, he'd never had a relationship longer than 3 months before he met me and he was almost 40 years old. I didn't pay enough attention to the dysfunctional dynamics in his family. I listened to his words and didn't pay enough attention to his actions. I will say, though, in the first 2-3 months of our relationship, each time around, he treated me like a princess. It made it that much more confusing when things started changing. I excused it. I clung to the way things used to be and didn't give weight to how things were in the here & now. I just held onto hope that it would go back to how it used to be.
~
The second (final) time we broke up, it was the week before I closed on my condo. He was so into it when I put in the offer. And when the idea of our future and commitments became a reality, he bailed. I remember so vividly leaving the closing and coming to my new home. I had packed a little picnic lunch of salad, strawberries and a martini. I sat down on my dining room floor and I cried and cried and cried. It was so bittersweet and I was so angry with him for breaking all his promises, for saying all the "right" things to me which fed into my building this false idea of happiness and security. It was all an illusion but, in my mind, it was so real and so infallible.
~
I'm now trying to make decisions about where Bianca will go to school. I work an hour from where I live and I hate the thought of having her so far away. I can't help but regret that I didn't take school into account when I moved; that I listened to his promises. I can't help but be reminded of where I thought I'd be in my life at this point. And, don't get me wrong, I am happy and I'm better off without him. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I sometimes wish he had turned out to be the person he said he was.
~
I have to believe that there was a reason I saw him yesterday.....I guess it was time for me to confront some of these feelings again. I started to cry when I saw him and I'm not sure why. My first instinct was that it has to do with feeling bad about myself and feeling ashamed of how I look now. I stuffed it down right away because I didn't want to explain to Bianca why I was crying. She's *really* into Why? Why? Why? right now without accepting any brushoff answers. I didn't have the energy for it. Of couse now that I've stuffed it down.....who knows if I can get it back.

no words

I fear if I say a word right now, the tears will begin and they will not stop until I fall apart completely. So I hold them inside, as tightly as I can until........??

Ladybugs, Confessions & Beginnings

Have I ever mentioned my "thing" for ladybugs? It all began when I was pregnant. When I was married, my XDH and I tried to get pregnant for a while and required fertility treatments which were unsuccessful. When he and I divorced, I was 34. Between the trouble we'd had conceiving, my age and newly single relationship status, I had wrapped my mind around accepting that I'd never be a Mom. And then, with no medical intervention, I got pregnant with a man I was dating.

While pregnant, I watched the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun". If you've not seen it, I *urge* you to grab your best girlfriend and a box of tissues and have a movie night. It's a wonderful and empowering girl movie. There is a part in which one character tells of when she was a little girl and she'd spend hours hunting for ladybugs never to find one. Then she'd fall asleep in the grass and, when she awoke, ladybugs were crawling all over her. It's the basic message of the movie....it may not come in the time and in the manner that you expected it but you can still have the things in life that you desire.

From that point, my DD became my "ladybug"....my unexpected blessing. And ladybugs have held a special place in my heart ever since. (There's a point to this story.....hang in with me til the end....)

I went to T on Saturday. We had an appt the week prior but I had to cancel. T called me to reschedule and I kept avoiding her calls. I have felt myself seriously withdrawing lately. Feeling like the walls are closing in. Knowing that meeting with her means putting my issues, fears and failures out there and having to take one more step toward dealing with them. Blech. How utterly unappealing. But she kept after me and I finally picked up the phone and made an appt.

My addiction (eating disorder) is OUT OF CONTROL. I have gained back so much of the weight I lost a few years ago. I walk around feeling like I wear my failure on the outside. I judge myself so harshly and, in turn, I project that onto others and believe they are watching/judging me in the same way. I feel intense shame, guilt, embarassment. I want to crawl under a rock and live there alone. I don't want to be seen. I am uncomfortable, my joints ache, I have no energy. I am disgusted with myself. I don't know how I let it all go. I was at a weight where I felt pretty damn good 3 years ago. It was the thinnest I'd been in my adult life. And, while still technically "overweight", I felt good....proud...happy. I felt attractive and energetic. To let all of that slip away makes me feel worse than I felt before I lost any weight in the first place. I succeeded. And then I failed miserably.

I had a two-fold thrust behind my initial weight loss. First was an assertiveness, empowerment kick that I was on. I was still married at the time and hating the way my XDH just beat me down to nothing so I decided to take steps to make myself feel better. Also, during our fertility experience, my blood sugar numbers were right on the fringe at the highest end of normal. Diabetes runs in my family and I've seen my Aunt and Grandmother both die from it. I didn't want to go down that road. Recently, I've mentioned that I was putting off bloodwork that my Dr asked me to have nearly a year ago. Well, I was putting it off at first because I wanted to give myself a chance to get my addiction under control first. And then, when it became clear that it wasn't happening, I chose to just ignore it. Until I had that panic attack a couple weeks ago which prompted me to have it done. Now, my appt is not until tomorrow so I don't know what else is in store for me in the results but I *do* know that I am now diabetic. I have a blood meter at home and I've been testing myself periodically. I know the diagnosis for a fact. Tomorrow will be finding out any other information the test revealed as well as learning what kind of medication I will be starting.

I cannot convey what a tremendous personal, catastrophic failure this is to me. Because of my family history (my Father's side of the family, I should clarify), I wanted to avoid becoming "one of them". I know it's not logical but it makes me feel associated to them in a way I never wanted to be.

T and I talked alot about all of this as well as my addiction in general. I cried and cried and cried. I have so wanted to be able to beat this alone. It ALL makes sense in my head. It's all so neat & logical up there. I don't understand why my behavior cannot follow the logic my brain possesses. I don't get it. And it pisses me off. Because I know better. But I'm out of control. I don't like being out of control. T reminds me that I've made progress because when I first started with her, I didn't get it in my head. It was just an ingrained behavior I didn't challenge. Then I began to understand it intellectually and I thought that was enough. Attack it with logic. And now I'm at the point where I know the head and the heart need to get on the same page. I've got that last step to get them working in synch.

I have to accept that food is my drug and it's every bit as powerful as a chemical addiction. One of the unique characteristics to a food addiction is that you can't detox and never use it again. I actually have to figure out a way to change my relationship with food, how to navigate this world that is pushing super-size, quick & easy, delicious, unhealthy, tempting, convenient food at consumers from every angle. And I have to be able to have a controlled meal multiple times a day. I want the "quick fix"....I want to just go to the other extreme of eating disorder and starve myself for a few months til some pounds come off. But I know it's not the answer. I have to do this for real this time. The same approach is not going to work this time any more than it has in the past. I have to redefine everything about the way I cook and eat, the relationship I have with food, the way I deal with stress and emotions.....all of it. And I'm scared.

Here is my plan: #1 I need to return to reading 2 books, the first is about the power of relationships in healing from abuse, trauma & eating disorders. The second is a daily reader that is based on codependency skills & some aspects of the 12 step program.

#2: I have a series of programs saved on TiVo that T recommended to me about emotional eating. I need to watch them...I've been avoiding them like the plague.

#3: I have called the eating disorder clinic near me. I had an evaluation with them probably about 1 1/2 years ago and I never followed through on their recommendations. It was evening groups, I believe 3x a week, that they recommended for me and I just could not do it without a viable child care option. The woman from the clinic just called me back, actually....I will need to go through another intake and assessment. I told her that I'm pushing to be recommended to the day program and if I need to take a leave of absence from work, then so be it. If I can know that DD is safe at daycare where she's content then I can really concentrate on taking care of me without feeling pressure or guilt. The day program is 5 days a week and involves group meals, group therapy and individual therapy. I think this is my best bet in recovery. Now I just have to hope that I qualify for it and that my insurance will pay for it.

So....after I left therapy feeling absolutely drained and wiped out, I got into my car and I leaned my head back looking up toward the gray, rainy sky. What did I see? A ladybug, sitting on my sunroof. :o)

Triggered

I'm a singer. Have I mentioned that before? I've been singing most of my life. I used to be fearless with it. I auditioned for select choir in school. I participated in regionals and allstate musical competitions. I was the singer in a band (an 80's cover rock band....a story for another day, lol!). I even auditioned at a local theater for a part in their production of "Annie". I've been in countless choirs and have taken years of voice training.

~

Somewhere around the time I started dealing with all my repressed crap, I stopped singing. When I finally started again, I was very much a follower and not the leader that I used to be. I've been in a small independent, accapella choir now for about 5 years. It took me a solid 2 years to really find my voice again and begin to sing with any amount of confidence. Still, a single wrong note could throw me into a tailspin. In the past year, I've really felt and seen my ability and my confidence shoot through the roof with singing. It's back to the way I used to feel. I feel fortunate that I have a gift that can be used to touch other people. I really enjoy performing. It is one of the few things in my life that I believe I do really well. It's calming for me because it requires that I relax and take deep breaths. It's the only time I feel any connection with God; when I sing hymns.

~

Yesterday, my group was performing at a church. There is a hymn called "Seek Ye First" which has an optional descant in it. There is another girl in the choir who generally sings this but she's been sick so they gave it to me. I've never sung it before rehearsal last week. On Sunday, the opening notes were played except they forgot to play mine so I was unsure of my starting note and I was afraid to just guess it out of thin air. I figured I'd sing the first verse with the rest of the choir and find my note on the second verse for the descant. Except I started to panic and I felt like all eyes were on me. I felt like I was ruining the song. And I started to cry. And cry, and cry, and cry. You know when you're not really crying but the tears just won't stop spilling from your eyes? It was like that.

~

We got through a few more songs and I was desperately trying to stop the tears and pull myself together because I knew I had a quartet coming up in which I was to sing the lead as a solo. As the opening notes are being played, another member of the choir leans into me and says "I'm going to sing the lead with you." And I just lost it. I didn't get 2 lines into the song and I had to walk away from the choir and let him sing it. Fortunately, there is a little alcove not far from where we stand to sing and I was able to go in there and have some privacy while I absolutely broke down.

~

I know I was upset about the way things went down that morning but my reaction was out of proportion to the events. I took some time to think it through and I realized that it triggered so many feelings of inadequacy and failure in me. And also feelings of taking the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt completely responsible for "ruining" the first song. Well, it wasn't really "ruined"....the descant is optional. Nevermind the pianist forgot to play my note.....nevermind that I couldn't regain my footing in part because the women on each side of me were both off key....one of them flat and one of them sharp, to boot! Still, I was able to easily accept responsibility for the comedy of errors and believe that it was all my fault.

~

(A quick side note of interest here.....as I type this, I'm feeling very off balance. I feel like I'm tipped steeply downward and to the left. It's very difficult to keep focus on what I'm writing asn my desk and keyboard seem off kilter to me even though I can tell that everything is perfectly aligned. This is usually some sort of disruption in the flow of body energy, perhaps being triggered by what I'm talking about?)

~

Anyway, I felt like I had the chance to "redeem" myself with the next song and when my choir-mate ever told me he was going to sing it with me, I felt like they no longer trusted me to carry the part by myself. A part, mind you, I've sung before and have been commended as "angelic". I was angry, humiliated, ashamed. A whole cacophony of negative emotions, all triggering me as a "FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!!"

~

The success story of the day, though, is that I was able to almost immediately recognize that the reaction was out of line with the events. I was able to think it through and piece together what was triggered. And then I went out to lunch (and some retail therapy) with my BFF, J. I was able to discuss it with her. And I called my choir-mates when I got home to discuss it with them and tell them how I felt about what happened. So a happy ending.

Suffocating, Part 2 (ie: really long vent)

In no particular order:
Work is insanely busy and I'm attempting to do way more work than I'm capable of doing. While I've been honest about being behind and being overwhelmed, I don't have any real outlet to seek assistance. I've taken on a huge project which will require my time and focus over the next 3 months. In the long run, it will benefit everyone including me. But I'm not sure how I'm going to muddle through in the meantime. I've all but given up being online (socially) & even blogging during the day which were my stress-relief outlets.

It seems like I am only putting out fires while I'm here with no real opportunity to get caught up. So many things are so far behind that I'm working in reaction to the complaints or second requests instead of being proactive and on top of things as I like to be. It seriously compromises my intent to be "superwoman" and be able to do it all, and do it perfectly, all the time. And to top it off, I'm having some sort of internet issue that locks up all my sites and requires a restart about 6 times a day. Maddening.

My home is beyond disaster and verging on sty. The kitchen has not a square inch of empty counter. It's piled with dishes (some clean, some dirty), birthday cake projects (attempting to make some shaped cakes for DD's Bday), and all the things that accompany that....mixer, frosting, sprinkles, recipe books, etc etc etc. Let's not even talk about the kitchen floor that is in such desperate need of sweeping and mopping, it's disgraceful.

I've not done laundry, except for the quick emergency "Crap, I have nothing to wear in the morning, let me throw in a skirt and a pair of underwear" load, in 2 weeks. Thank God DD has more clothing than she can possibly even wear before the season is over.

My shower is starting to turn funny colors in the corners because I haven't had time to scrub it (since the 2am pre-court hearing anxiety scrub). I've been reduced to putting a scrub cloth under my foot and running it around the tub while I'm washing my hair. The shower curtain liner is beginning to polka dot at the bottom and since I don't have time to soak it in bleach, I just bought a new one. The new one is, of course, sitting on the counter still in it's package.....

Every night we come home and I dump everything on the dining room table because there is nowhere else to put it and no time to sort it. My mother is coming over for dinner tonight and I'm thinking we'll need to have a picnic on the living room floor. Which, of course, has not been vacuumed.

My contractor never finished my projects and I'm living with 2 holes in the wall, un-grouted tile walkway in the front hall, no carpet edge protectors so they are starting to fray, no floor molding in the kitchen, no doors on the basement closets and various other small projects that are starting to grate on my every last nerve.

Speaking of the basement.....just oh.....dear.....God.

Bills unpaid, not because I have no money but I never seem to find the time to sit & do it. The times I've attempted to pay things online it's been such a hassle that my blood pressure shoots through the roof. "Enter your PIN".....oh, the PIN you sent me when I opened the account in 1992?? Yeah, don't have that handy. No PIN? That's okay, request a new one. We'll mail it to you in 10 business days (while your bill becomes late and we charge you for that). Don't want to wait? That's okay....just put in the 3 digit code on the back of your card. Oh....that would be the card I threw in the garbage because I didn't want to use it to charge anything! That's okay....you can request a new card. You'll get it in 10-14 business days. Finally, I got the new card and brought it to work so I could pay the bill on my lunch hour and what does it say when I open it? "Must be called from HOME phone to activate card" Argh!

I fear that I'm screwing up DD left and right. I feel like the worst parent sometimes with no ability to give DD the life tools I want her to have.

I need to expand my social circle and have no idea where I will fit that into my life. And, God help me, there are days I really miss having a boyfriend. Last night was certainly one of them.

I have gained so much weight and I hate myself for it. I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I'm so disgusted. Which doesn't stop me from eating 2 pieces of DD's cake and hating myself for that, too. I am ashamed to be out in public.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend that DD is not invited to. For the first time, I really wanted someone else to watch DD for me. I really didn't want to depend on my mom. She was working, anyway. I asked 9 teachers at DD's daycare and none of them could do it. My mother ended up changing her work schedule so she could be available. I'm appreciative but I just wanted to do it without her involvement for a change. And frankly, the way I'm feeling about myself, the last thing I want to do is try to look half decent and be at a huge party. I feel so self conscious, I want to crawl under a rock.

Even my "down time" is not relaxing because it's go-go-go in preparation and I've got all my obligations on my mind. Last weekend sounds so nice on paper.....we went to a park & had a picnic. We went to a brunch at my BFF's house. All I can see is Friday grocery shop and cook in prep for picnic. Get up early, get me & DD ready, go to T, finish making the food, pack the car, drive to picnic which is lovely. Clean up, drive home (over an hour), get home late, DD to bed, cook for brunch next day. Try to clean up, no avail. Drive to friends house, brunch is lovely but DD is clingy, I can't relax, eye on the clock.....get home around 6 and need to cook for the week, lay out clothes, try to put some semblance of order to our lives for the following days. This week/weekend will be more of the same.....Monday was errands, last night choir, tonight dinner with Mom, tomorrow DD's bday, friday DD's Dr Appt. Sat wedding & stay overnight, driving back straight to a playdate at the park at noon & from there to a wedding after party at 4. Monday DD's Bday pictures & then hopefully will have a chance to grocery shop cook, clean & laundry for the week. And then back to work......

I feel like I am failing at everything I do right now.....can't do my job, can't raise my kid, can't keep my house in order, can't take care of myself. Everything is being half done because I'm only dealing with the worst part of each crisis. I can't relax. I stay up late every night attempting to get the bare minimum done. I'm exhausted. I can't wake up in the morning and then I'm late for work. Every morning is a fight with DD trying to get her ready. I feel like I've been through a war by the time I get to work every morning. I can't do anything effectively. I don't see anything that I can put on the back burner for now. I have the worst time asking for help but I don't even see what I could really even get help with right now. I feel buried, inundated, squelched, world-closing-in, suffocated.

I'm so "nice"

After I left T on Saturday, I had to stop at the bank. There was a man who walked in right before me and we both walked up to the counter where the bank forms and 2 chained pens are located. We were both making deposits consisting of several checks. His pen didn't work. He was waiting for me to finish so he could use my pen. I was in a state of high anxiety, nervous, feeling pressured to finish, feeling "watched", judged. Feeling like HE, this total stranger who was being completely patient, should not have to wait for ME. So I handed him the pen and let him do his deposit as I waited for him to finish. I felt really uncomfortable just standing there waiting. Embarassed, really. Embarassed at how worthless and insignificant I feel. As he was finishing up, he realized that I wasn't done yet. He said "You're not even done with it? Oh, you're so nice! Thank you!" Sure....I'll let you think I'm just nice, sir. Better than admitting I'm just a self-loathing, pathetic idiot.