Good Advice

I posted a comment yesterday on a blog that I frequent. I reminded this Blogger, despite how it feels in the moment, to have faith that we are always where we need to be in our journey. That even though it doesn't feel the way we wanted it to, or hoped it would, that every step in the path has a purpose.

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Hours later, as I had my 10 minutes of alone time on my drive to daycare, I realized that I need to listen to my own advice when it comes to this Daddy situation with my daughter. I don't need to worry about what she does or doesn't have. I give her all that *I* have. And this is where she and I are meant to be right now. And you know what? I feel a sense of peace about that. All my anxiety seems to be stemming from some pre-conceived expectations of what her life would be & should be like or some made up "requirements" for her to be a happy, healthy child.

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My baby IS happy. She IS healthy. She has everything she needs. She has a roof over her head, a warm bed to sleep in, nourishment and stimulation. She has a great school and friends. She has people in her life who believe in her and support her. She is safe, cherished and loved beyond measure. What more does any child need??

Reflecting

Spent some time reflecting after last nights posts. First of all, I called my BFF back. I got her voicemail. The message I left was.....well.... it was hilarious, really. "Oooooh God....I don't know whether to cry or be thrilled that you're not answering. I don't feel like talking. I think I need to talk but I don't want to. I'm pretty sure if I don't talk about this tonight that I won't do it at all. And I'm pretty sure that's the way I'd like it. Even though I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel. So...um....I have no idea what to tell you at this point. I don't know if I want you to call me back or not. So. Well. Do what you will with this information!!!"

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Needless to say, my friend called me back. My lovely, patient friend who even with a severe case of larangitis (sp?) carried the entire beginning of the conversation to help ease my anxiety level so that I could eventually talk. When she gives me feedback, I want to tune her out. I want to cut her off and tell her I already know the answer. Poor thing. I love her to death...I SO value her thoughts. But I have such a hard time admitting that I don't have it all under control that it's terribly difficult for me to take advice from anyone. She knows this, though, and she approaches me so gingerly with her words. God love her....I don't know why she is so patient with me. We've been friends for 25 years and I still can barely open up to her.

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After we talked, I can't say I felt significantly better. I mean, I felt satisfied that I'd accomplished something that was tough for me. But I think I was so busy judging myself and all the hype over this one little blip in my life. I came out of it thinking "see, I could have just handled this on my own...there was no need to get her involved and make her deal with all my insanity."

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Regarding the "Daddy" stuff with my daughter....You know, I always say that I wanted so much more for her. Yes, I wanted her to have "more" than what I had. Maybe I need to just rearrange the way I think about that. Because in ways, she does have more. Quality vs Quantity. It may be just me and her but I do make every effort to be a present and (mostly) functional Mom. I mean, I had a Dad and he sucked. I had a brother and he sucked. I had a Mom and she did a crappy job of watching out for me. So, in that sense, DD has WAY more than I had.

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So what exactly do I mean when I say that I want DD to have MORE than I did? I am projecting my fantasy onto her. I am projecting the "happy family, happy home" fantasy and hoping that for her life since I didn't have it for mine. And you know what? That little bugger is incredibly perceptive. Until I change my thinking and quit wishing that for her, even though I NEVER say it out loud, she will pick up on it and start to feel like she's missing out on something. Somewhere in this messed up brain of mine, I have to grasp and learn to accept the ideas that I give to DD verbally that families come in different forms and there's nothing wrong with that. The two of us are a family and that's all we need.

Sorry, but......

Why does it happen this way?? I suppose it's some "divine" way of telling me I need to work on something by smacking me over the head with it again and again. Last night, as I mentioned in my prior post, I had an image of XBF and I together and I felt so sad; a longing for the times we were together and happy.

This morning I was driving DD to school and she said something about her favorite Angelina Ballerina movie. Said something about Angelina's daddy. *Pregnant Pause* I knew it was coming. She made a comment about her own Daddy. It's been a while since she's mentioned him. It was a passing comment that didn't require more than just my quick acknowledgement.

I pick her up from school today and what's in her art folder? My least favorite project (other than Father's Day). The Family Tree. Mommy. DD's name. Blank leaf. Blank leaf. Blank leaf. Blank leaf. God it fucking breaks my heart.

And then tonight, after dinner, we're watching Dora together and there's this part at the end when Dora always says "What was your favorite part?" and waits for your response. DD said "My favorite part was when Boots got to hug his Daddy. Mama, next time can I hug my Daddy again?"

I know, I know.....I know I'm a good Mom. I know she's better off with no father than a crappy one. I know it all. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like garbage that she doesn't have a father. I wanted so much more for her.

I reached out to my BFF tonight and I'm sitting here avoiding calling her back. Isn't it crazy? I know I need to talk. I make the first move by sending her a text message and then I immediately start trying to talk myself out of it. You don't need anyone. Who wants to hear your problems? Do you really want to admit your weaknesses? What good will it do? Just deal with it on your own. Blah blah blah blah blah. Broken record.

Rough night

So I spent all of last week and the weekend being the sickie. I finally started to get some energy back yesterday and pulled myself together enough to come to work today. I decided to take care of me and get to bed very early. I got in bed at 9:15. That is insanely early for me. I figured after my first real day of any kind of exertion (cleaning, laundry, cooking) I'd be wiped out. So I got in bed, I turned on my TV which is my routine. I was watching House which was maybe a little too interesting for me to fall asleep to. I changed over to CSI because I've pretty much seen every episode 15 times and I can tune it out. No good. I switched to a VOD movie that I've seen numerous times. No good. I was feeling jumpy, antsy and anything but tired. I turned the TV off. BIG mistake. "What was that noise?" "What was that sound?" Turned the TV back on and put on the digital music channel of Soundscapes which is as relaxing as relaxing gets. I layed there and did my breathing, did my relaxation "chanting" (which I do silently in my head as I breathe). Still feeling very jumpy. Rolled this way and that way, tried to get comfortable. Even (confession time) put my hand inside my pillowcase grasping a small potential weapon I keep inside of it, because I was feeling so frightened. Sometimes having that in my hand lets me feel protected enough to calm down. It's now 11:45 and I'm climbing the walls. I'm being plagued by unpleasant thoughts and the sound of my heart beating inside my head is so loud, it's making me nauseous.

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I've had a prescription bottle of Xanax for almost 2 years now and I still have 2/3 of it. I almost never take it. But I decided the only thing for me to do at this point is to take one. This is fast approaching critical panic attack levels and I will never sleep if I don't have some assistance. So I take one and go back to bed. They usually work in about 20 minutes or so. I lay in bed and decide I need to conjure images of safety. My safe place. What's my safe place? New Hampshire. And what pops into my head? An image of my ExBF and I laying in bed together in NH. Where I felt safe. And that safety was such an illusion. Yet I long for that feeling despite the fact that it was a fantasy. I miss the days when I felt like I could be myself and lean on someone else. What I would not have given last night to have his strong arms around me and be able to feel that sense of love and security. I feel betrayed by my own brain that it would throw this image at me. And I feel like I want to sob til the well of tears dries up but I can't let it out. I fear if I start, it will never end. So I angrily shake that image away and try to bring back something else.

I'm hearing noises and feeling some strange way I've never felt before and I start seeing images of skeletons and a devil. I can't make them stop. I'm terrified and think something is so different about how I'm feeling right now. I convince myself that something pivotal is about to happen and then, of course, I fear I'm dying because I'm seeing images reminiscent of death. I'm dying....and I'm going to hell. These figures plagued me for what seemed like hours though, in reality, it was probably only about 20-30 minutes. I was scared to allow myself to fall asleep and I let my brain run away with the storytelling it does....that I will die in bed and DD will find me and not know what to do or how to get out of the house and will forget how to call 911 and she'll be stuck there with my rotting corpe for days trying to snuggle up to it or wake it up. Oh the pleasantries I think about. It was a horrible, horrible night.

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On the bright side, I'm feeling alright. I'm back at work. My eye only has one little red dot left in it. I heard back from the eating disorder clinic. My insurance will cover 100% of the partial residential program which is 5 days a week from 9am - 2pm. That would be ideal and it's what I will push for. It gives me time to drop DD off at daycare and get to the center. And it gives me time to get to the office and work for a few hours the end of each day. I go for my assessment interview next week. I made them schedule it at the end of the day because I recall it being emotionally draining.

Quick Update

Here's an updated picture of my eye. Pretty, huh? It spread to the other eye though not as severely. It's actually starting to clear up a bit now. I'm still fighting a cold with a heavy duty cough but that seems to be subsiding as well. Right now, I'm just achy and tired. I need alot of sleep. It takes me a good hour or more to be able to function after I wake up in the morning. So maybe it's a good thing I was forced to stay home or else I would have likely ended up with bronchitis or worse.

Being able to work from home has been a God-send. It's helped me keep my sanity and at least feel like I'm doing something. In fact, it's been incredibly productive and that In Box that you saw in my previous post is now all DONE! I think I will continue to work over the weekend since I still can't go out. I'm hoping to be able to return by Monday. But we'll see. My eyes need to be cleared up first. Anyway, it's just incredible how much I can get accomplished when there are no co-workers knocking on my door all day long.

For now, DD and I are going upstairs to have lunch and take a nap. Now *THIS* is a work day I could get used to!!!

Seriously???

So this is me from 4:00 this morning. Well, at least it's my ugly, infected, swollen, goopy eye. My eye felt a little sore last night so I took out my contacts. It had a little red splotch at the inner corner and I thought I must have burst a blood vessel from vomiting during the migraine episode yesterday. Not uncommon due to the force of migraine vomiting.

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Enter 4am and awakening to the sensation that my eye was about to burst out of my head. I look at it and the whole thing is blood red and (this is way gross, sorry....) the actual white part of my eye is bulging over the edges of my eyelid because it's so swollen. WTH?!?!?!???? It *KILLS*. It hurts so much, I can't even tell you. I deduce from the green goo that is oozing from it that I managed to catch my DD's pink eye. But I have no idea how it went from one little splotch to this in a matter of 6 hours. I've been using her eyedrops and it's not really getting any better. I have an eye Dr appt at 3:00. **See Update at end of post**

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Not to mention that DD woke up at 4am also....I guess she heard me which is unlike her. Generally, I could have a Monster Truck Rally in her bedroom and she'd sleep through it. So she is going to have a rough day on top of it....AND we have choir rehearsal tonight so it's our late night. *sigh*

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I just find it nearly comedic that the weekend I decide to pull my shit together, organize my life, start getting back on track and attracting positive energy to my days is the exact same time I got (1.) a cold (2.) a severe migraine and (3.) this hideous eye infection. Seriously?? Reprieve, please???

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**Update After Dr** There is a reason DD's eyedrops were not working. DD had bacterial conjunctivitis. I have viral conjunctivitis. From eMedicine: Most cases of viral conjunctivitis are acute, benign, and self-limited. The infection usually resolves spontaneously within 2-4 weeks. (faint) Subepithelial infiltrates may last for several months, and, if in the visual axis, they may cause decreased vision or glare. Symptoms may worsen during the first 4-7 days after onset before they begin to improve and may not resolve for 2-4 weeks. The contagiousness of the infection also should be emphasized. Proper isolation from work or school is advisable to prevent epidemics in the office and at school. Patients should be instructed to take contagion and isolation precautions for at least 2 weeks or as long as the eyes are red and weeping.

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Are you F***ing kidding me???? The Dr also told me I should go home and stay in isolation for a week. A WEEK??? I cannot deal. I don't know what I'm going to do.

No Such Thing As Dragons

So, you may or may not recall my post about dragons. They seem to be popping up all over the place to me now.

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Friday night, I took my DD trick or treating at the mall. What a great idea!!! While there, we stopped in the bookstore. I got her a couple really cute new books. She chose this one: There's NO Such Thing as a Dragon. It's actually an older book, published in 1975, I believe. I had to laugh to myself when I read the book. It's about a little boy who finds a tiny dragon in his bedroom one morning. He tells his mother about it and she insists "There's no such thing as a dragon" so the little boy ignores it. And the mother ignores it even though it's growing and growing. Eventually (see book cover photo), it becomes the size of the house. The little boy tells his mother emphatically that there IS a dragon and she finally sees it. And then the dragon shrinks back down to the size of a kitten. The mother says she can deal with a dragon that size and wonders why it had to get so big. The little boy says "I think it just wanted to be noticed."

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I think this book is awesome! My DD enjoyed the entertainment factor. But of course I saw the adult side of it....how something tiny can grow so enormous when you don't deal with it. How it can shrink back down into something manageable when you finally admit you see it. And, thinking about my childhood, also how the adults in the house could manage to maneuver their way around the "dragon" day in and day out, even though it filled the house in a palpable way, without ever acknowledging it was there. Not just ignoring it, but also convincing the child that they need to ignore the "dragon" as well; it's not *really* there. Yeah....it's all in their head.

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Saturday AM I went to counseling. I was feeling pretty calm since I'd made some good realizations this week about the snowball effect and needing to take time for myself. I'd also had a good appointment with my Dr, going over my labwork. And I'd called the eating disorder clinic, so I'm one step closer to that. T asked me how I felt about the whole prospect of weight loss. I said I kindof felt on auto-pilot about it. I'm not really wrapping my mind around that right now. I'm thinking more about just getting through what I need to get through as this year wraps up. I'm thinking more of the concrete tasks ahead first. And I'm not so much thinking "weight loss" as I'm thinking about a whole new way of life.

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It's SO amazing to me how the simplest question can bring about a whole new realization. T asked me when do I do my binging? What goes along with it? I said I do it at night after DD goes to bed and while I watch TV, catching up on my TiVo'd shows. I never thought about the two actions going together...TV & binging. I just thought of that as my time of night. So I've decided to shut off the TV before DD goes to bed and keep it off. I will then do the things that need to be done around the house with music. I'm going to call Cable and have them add TiVo to my bedroom TV. So after I'm done with chores, I can get in bed & watch my shows because I never bring food upstairs into my bedroom. What a simple change of routine that may really help me in breaking an aspect of my programmed cycle!

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So my weekend was fairly productive. I chose to stay home and attempt to reorganize my world. Presently, it's more of a mess than it was when I started.....but I'm making progress. I have a few big bags of garbage to take out. I have a huge moving box of stuff to bring to a childrens consignment shop and another several bags to bring to GoodWill. And then I have to finish a few more projects. All in all, I'm happy with how it went. I have a cold which sortof interfered with my energy level but it was a nice balance of doing a project & then snuggling with DD. We even took a nice nap together on Saturday afternoon.

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Interesting note that last night, I did sortof follow my "new routine" of no TV on while getting things ready at night. I went up to bed pretty early for me, around 10, and watched TV in bed. I even fell asleep fairly quickly. I awoke at 3:30am with a severe migraine, possibly the worst I've had to date. I was disoriented and just in excruciating pain. I made my way downstairs to find my medication and started vomiting from the pain. I lay in bed just writhing for the next 2 hours, sweating, chills, nausea, pain, pain, pain. It finally quieted down a bit and I managed to sleep from 5:30 til almost 7am when DD woke me up. I came into work late. But it got me thinking....for me, migraines are generally stress induced. I had a very low stress weekend. But I didn't follow my "routine" of binging.....did that stress my mind out to the point of a migraine?