Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sometimes the Dragon Wins

It's been an interesting week for me. I've made a vow to be online less, much less, at work. I have alot going on in my professional life and I need to stay focused on that. At the same time, I've made a few small, yet huge, strides in my personal life. I inquired with the local Parents Without Partners (PWP) group about joining. They have several social events every week, some for the parents only and some for the parents and kids together. I'm planning to attend an upcoming open house to see what it's all about. It's a step out of the isolation I feel so comfortable with.

Another thing I did was to call a Chinese medicine center to set up an evaluation with a highly recommended acupuncturist. We've played phone tag and I haven't been able to actually set up an appt yet but I will. I want to see what it can do for me, for my stress level and for all the physical issues that my anxiety causes.

This morning I had a dream. It was almost as if I was in a virtual video game or something. Like I was fighting creatures yet I wasn't afraid. I knew I would not be hurt no matter what. I was going through a maze of corridors and all kinds of animals and creatures were jumping out at me. Things like bears, snakes, apes. But I'd just shove them to the side because I knew my task was to get to the Dragon. When I found the Dragon, he jumped out at me and I put my hands on his snout, in between these big spikes and I shoved him away. Dragons, or dinosaurs, can often represent old issues in dreams. I wasn't quite sure what to make of this dream. On the one hand, I thought it could be good because I was facing the Dragon without fear. On the other hand, when I got to the Dragon, I shoved him aside. So did this mean that I wasn't afraid to face my issues or that all I do is push past them?

I posed this question to T this morning when we met and she smiled. She got up and walked to the corner of her office and pulled a small framed picture off her bookshelf. She handed it to me and said "It's funny that your dream was about a dragon since this has been sitting there for as long as you've been coming here." It was a drawing of a dragon, similar to the one in this post and the words "Sometimes the Dragon Wins". Which doesn't mean that I "lose", so to speak, but rather that I recognize it's okay to stop fighting. Stop wrestling with the dragon (the past) and just let it be. It is what it is and slaying the "dragon" doesn't mean it never existed. There comes a time when you have to weigh the energy and resources used in fighting the fight against the process of just making peace with it.

I find this a very timely dream after my last post about loving myself and no longer questioning why my abusers did what they did. I've changed my focus. I'm not fighting the dragon anymore. I'm learning to let it be and to love myself enough to give up a futile fight. My energy is better spent focusing inward on myself than outward on that which is already done.


Strong and determined said...

Well said.

Enola said...

Yeah! What a great post. You're making some great steps in doing good things for yourself.

I love the dragon part too - awesome imagery. And I like your T's perspective too.

April_optimist said...

I love this. I see it as perhaps meaning sometimes we realize the dragon is no longer a threat to who we are and we don't have to fight it.

keepers said...

that is a wonderful stance to take, and shows a healing deep within, congratulations.


austin said...

I don't know if I can add anything to the comments other than what's already been said. I too like the dragon imagery. The fire they breath can crisp you to nothing and leave you dry and brittle... this is what endless questions about "should have, could have, would have" can lead to, a crispy nothingness.

This post is not just well written but well thought out and surely something to refer back to when I again need a lift and reminder to choose my battles wisely.

Thank you again,
Austin of Sundrip

Paul said...

With all sincerity I can tell you that the "answer" to all of your seeking can be found in these 3 simple parables. They all have the same meaning. It's not very complicated or mystical, though it seems many people want it to be that way. Read on......

Now all the tax collectors and the sinners were coming near Him to listen to Him.
Both the Pharisees and the scribes began to grumble, saying, "This man receives sinners and eats with them."

The Lost Sheep
So He told them this parable, saying,
"What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture and go after the one which is lost until he finds it?
"When he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing.
"And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!'
"I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

The Lost Coin
"Or what woman, if she has ten silver coins and loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it?
"When she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin which I had lost!'
"In the same way, I tell you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

The Prodigal
And He said, "A man had two sons.
"The younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of the estate that falls to me.' So he divided his wealth between them.
"And not many days later, the younger son gathered everything together and went on a journey into a distant country, and there he squandered his estate with loose living.
"Now when he had spent everything, a severe famine occurred in that country, and he began to be impoverished.
"So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.
"And he would have gladly filled his stomach with the pods that the swine were eating, and no one was giving anything to him.
"But when he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger!
'I will get up and go to my father, and will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight;
I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me as one of your hired men."'
"So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.
"And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'
"But the father said to his slaves, 'Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet;
and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and celebrate;
for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.' And they began to celebrate.
"Now his older son was in the field, and when he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing.
"And he summoned one of the servants and began inquiring what these things could be.
"And he said to him, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has received him back safe and sound.'
"But he became angry and was not willing to go in; and his father came out and began pleading with him.
"But he answered and said to his father, 'Look! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours; and yet you have never given me a young goat, so that I might celebrate with my friends;
but when this son of yours came, who has devoured your wealth with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.'
"And he said to him, 'Son, you have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours.
'But we had to celebrate and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead and has begun to live, and was lost and has been found.' "
Luke 15:1-32 (NASB)