no words

I fear if I say a word right now, the tears will begin and they will not stop until I fall apart completely. So I hold them inside, as tightly as I can until........??

I'm freakin' out a bit.....

I'm going to be leaving soon for my evaluation at the Renfrew Center (Eating Disorder Clinic) and I'm having a minor panic situation.

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Trying hard just to breathe and stay calm.

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I don't recall being so nervous the first time I did this. Maybe because I didn't know what to expect. Maybe because I was up in the air about treatment. Whatever the reason....send some calming vibes my way. I need them.

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I will post about my appointment later or tomorrow. Right now, I can hardly breathe.

Being Human

How I detest being human. Can you imagine a more ridiculous thing for me to waste my energy on? Trying to figure out how not to be confined to human limitations? It occurs to me as I get off on a tangent of lamenting these limitations that there is absolutely no way in hell that I will ever love, value, respect and accept myself in this life until I can QUIT trying to find a way around being what I am really fortunate enough to be. A human being.

Yet I despise.......

I despise.....

Emotions

Hurts, emotional or physical

Requiring nourishment

Desires

Needing human contact

Physical limitations

Needing sleep

Bodily functions of any kind

Not knowing the answer to any and every question

Being subject to criticism

Making mistakes

Having to deal with any sort of ambiguity

Not being 100% on top of every single thing in life, at home, at work

Feeling like a failure at anything

Questioning my value as a person, a friend, a parent

Judging and feeling judged

Getting sick

Hearing my voice

Disappointing anyone at anytime

Not being able to do everything for everyone at a moment's notice

It must be perfect. Every single thing I do.

Every single.....

Word from my mouth

Action I take

Parenting choice

Meal I cook

Project I undertake

Advice I give

Sentence I type

Photo I snap

Choice I make

Mile I drive

Song I sing

Story I write

Game I play

Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

I know I cannot be. I know I am not. Yet I'm still driven by this desire to somehow find the key that unlocks the ability to achieve the impossible. How do I let go of this? How do I find self-acceptance? How do I come to believe that it's okay to be just what I am? It's not like I'm fooling anyone. I'm fairly sure there is no one on this planet who looks at me and thinks I am soo put together and fabulous that I must not even be human!!?!?! So what drives me to keep feeling this way?

Oh my god....it's the inability to be. To just be. When I stop hating myself for being something that I know I will never be then I will have to live with myself as I am and accept that. And it's the feeling that I need to be tormented by something, that I don't deserve peace. That is why I can't let it go. It's not that I can't accept my lack of perfection. It's that I spend my energy fretting over a desire wholly futile to keep my brain from resting and getting to know myself as I actually AM. And to say it's okay. Despite the messages that were programmed into my psyche so early in life, I don't have to be any more than I am. Go figure.

Broken Alarm

(And miscellaneous father ramblings)
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I've been getting really into dreams lately and trying to "teach" my brain to make better use of my dreams. I bought a book which includes a dream journal. It's pretty cool, asking questions about the day, certain events, prevalent emotions, recurring thoughts. You write all that down before you go to bed and also write down if there is anything in particular you'd like your dreams to address that night. The following morning, you write down what you remember of your dream(s) and compare it to the day before to see if there are any parallels.

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Saturday night, I had a most interesting dream. In my dream, my father came to my house, uninvited, and I found him sleeping on my couch. I left him a note and I went to bed. When I woke up in the morning, he was gone. I could not figure out how he got out of the house without setting off the alarm, since he didn't know the code. I looked at the note that I'd left for him to find that my mother (who was not in the dream) had written back to me on it. I went to my bedroom and was laying in bed when I realized that someone had broken into my home. I was trying to set off my alarm by opening doors and windows that are wired into the central system but my father had broken the alarm and I could not make it go off to alert the police. The intruder caught me and I woke up in a panic.

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The first thing this said to me was that my father (one of my abusers) "broke my alarm" and left me unable to protect myself when I needed to. Because of his actions, his messages, his abuse...he beat me down to a place that I didn't know how to defend myself. Nevermind HOW to defend myself....I didn't even know I deserved defending. If that was the way my father would treat me...my father....who is supposed to be my hero, my supporter, my protector.....then how would I ever feel like I was worthy of love and respect from ANY man?

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I haven't quite put my finger on the meaning of my mother writing back on the letter I left for my father. I imagine it has something to do with her trying to make up for his behavior, overcompensating to pick up his slack or trying to make excuses for keeping our family together....not quite sure. As I re-read this, I'm also seeing other nuances...while in my home, my father was sleeping, ie: there but not "present". He left before I awoke, ie: abandonment.

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These are my most vivid memories of my father:

1. When he threw me down a flight of stairs because I ran the dishwasher without putting his dinner plate in it first.

2. When I came home from a date and he greeted me at the door by grabbing my wrists, twisting them so hard that I had to bend down to the ground to avoid them being broken. He demanded to know what I'd been doing with the boy. When I said we'd gone to the movies, he kept yelling "What else?? What else?? What else did you do??"

3. When I finally told about the abuse from my brother, my father confronted me and made me say that I was lying and made it up for attention. He made me apologize to my brother for saying it.

4. Our final correspondence, 8 years ago. I initiated it through a Christmas card, tried to reach out yet again and see if we could address the past. These are but a few of the "gems" he threw my way:

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"Kim, I was not going to respond to your letter. It seemed totally pointless. But perhaps you are seeking some kind of closure. Many people need that. I will not address each of your comments; I do not see any merit."

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"Sometime I did something that terribly hurt and angered you. You have never told me what that was. In all likelihood you believe I should know but sometimes what is devastating to one person is inconsequential to the other. "

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(*Important to note…read this with MASSIVE sarcasm intended*) "It's a good thing you are doing, or have done. Ending the abuse of this family history, understanding the dysfunctional background, no doubt forgiving your brother for his behavior as he too was subjected to that same loveless, tyrannical upbringing. Yes, you should be proud of yourself for that. "

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"I believe you will never understand what I feel when I say what I am about to (I guess I am speculating, which I said I wouldn't but). The last thing that you probably want or would accept; but a piece of fatherly advice….let it go. Move on with your life. You will never understand me, so let it go. "

~

Doesn't he make you all warm & fuzzy inside??

A look back.....November 2006

Not feeling particularly inspired with a new post today, I decided to look back on this time of year, two years ago. I was posting with a Survivor's Forum online group which eventually fizzled out and led to the creation of my blog. It was immensely helpful for the time it was active.

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Two years ago, here is where I was at. The *bullet* remarks are my synopsis of what was going on in my life and the comments in purple are excerpts from my posts.

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*Bianca and I were living in my Mother's house because, financially, it was all I could do at the moment. I'd been living there since June of '03, shortly before I got pregnant. The weight of living in the home where the majority of my abuse took place, and trying to raise my daughter in this environment was suffocating.

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*I was finally preparing to move out. I was house hunting. I was still in a relationship with Tom, my XBF and the one Bianca calls "Daddy", although it was beginning to fall apart. I was *just* starting to allow myself to see that it was happening while still scrambling to hold it together any way I could.

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I hate to think anything bad about my relationship with Tom and hate even more to admit the things I do think. Yesterday I just started thinking.....have I done this to myself on purpose where I've put myself back in the position of waiting for someone I love to choose me and forever being disappointed? I can say a million wonderful things about him. I do truly love him. I also sit here with my life on hold waiting for him to sift through his family issues and, in the end, he is not choosing me or us. And I just wonder how that all plays into my past. It does seem to be part of a pattern.

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*I was just completing a series of written & email correspondence with my mother about my childhood abuse and my anger at her for her role in it. She claimed that she "never knew" what really happened, so I told her. She never even commented on it except to say that "she can no longer say she's uninformed". It was a huge learning experience for me and really allowed me to take a step forward in my relationship with her. This was the beginning of my acceptance that some things in life just need to be grieved.

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I was thinking yesterday.....what if my mother's not capable of meeting me in reality on this? What if she absolutely, steadfastly clings to her place of denial? It's a real possibility.You know, it's her prerogative. It's her choice. But I'm not sure how to live with that. How do I let go of my expectation for her to beREAL? I mean, I understand that having expectations of another person is generally pretty futile....you can't make people who you want them to be. But on the other hand, we all have a minimum personal standard of how we want to be treated. Does family transcend this standard? Not in my mind, they don't. I guess I don't understand where the compromise on this is. I guess I don't understand HOW to do the very thing I know I need to do which is to stop expecting her to be who I wish she was.
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Susan (that's my Therapist) said that inherent in all of what I said is this deep down belief that my mother is capable of what I want from her and somehow holding it back from me. She has it but is not giving it, she could be open but chose not to be, she knows something she won't tell me. These are my illusions. That I'm not what I need to be in order to get from her what I want. That I need to somehow find the key to unlock her into being what I need. It's a carry over from the childhood abuse that taught me to assume responsibility. It can't be her....she is my parent. IT MUST BE ME. This is something I need to let go of. I need to stop believing she is capable of more than what she is giving me because that is where I'm getting caught up and being forever disappointed.

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We talked more about where I am with my Mom and that my task now is grieving the loss of the ideals I had about her and mom's roles in general and then coming to terms with what is. I told her I felt better in ways about what I'd shared with my mother even though her reaction wasn't what I'd hoped for. It gave me a new understanding and for that I'm glad. And that I feel like I gave my mother the power before through my paralysis in dealing with the issues but now that I've tackled some stuff and learned that I'm definitely the "strong" one, I feel I have the power back. Susan reminded me how much of my life had revolved around surrendering my power/others holding power over me and my wishes.

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*I was struggling with brother issues, trying to get a grip on how I felt about Jeff (my brother) potentially having a family relationship with Bianca. He's only seen her twice. Being that my brother was one of my abusers and I don't have a relationship with him, I was perplexed by the fact that I felt irate toward him for not making an effort to know his niece.

~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%

So where am I at today?

Well, obviously I moved out and made a home for myself and Bianca. That's a huge weight lifted though I have to admit it did not have the curative effect I'd hoped as far as my anxiety and panic symptoms were concerned.

Tom and I broke up in January of '07 and he's basically out my life. I would be lying if I didn't admit there are still some sort of feelings there but I'm not sure what kind of feelings they are. The process did allow me to recognize my bad relationship choices and eventually led to my decision to stay single, at least until I feel like I'm in control of me and my life.

The experience with my Mom was enlightening and opened the door to a LOOOONG hallway at which a realistic relationship with her waits at the other end. Presently, I'm about mid-hallway! I've accepted her limitations and made peace with having to grieve the loss of the mother I would have wanted. The piece I'm working on now is allowing myself to enjoy her for who she is.

It's funny....the part about my brother....I don't think I would have even remembered that struggle had I not read back on the posts. I don't struggle with that any longer. While the idea of "my big brother" was another thing I had to grieve, I accept that the one I have can't be part of our lives.

Guess I've made some progress in the past 2 years!

Dreams

If you're a regular visitor to my blog, you know that I'm pretty fascinated with dream interpretation. Unfortunately, I almost never recall my dreams. It's a shame to me since I truly believe that our dreams say so much about what's going on in our life and in our minds especially when it's a subject the conscious mind tries to ignore.

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There is a radio show I listen to every morning and they have a dream expert in every couple months. Her name is Lauri Loewenberg from The Dream Zone. I recently bought her book and am looking forward to getting more out of my dreams. So far, I've only been dabbling in the dream dictionary section trying to interpret a couple dreams from the past two nights.

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Cats & Snow. Are these two things connected? I had a dream the other night and a large portion of it was self explanatory based on a conversation I'd had with Jennie (my BFF) shortly before going to bed. The two things that stuck out to me as being out of place, or noteworthy, were two cats that were constantly at my heels and the fact that it was snowing. So I look up cats and snow. Both refer to being emotionally cold, or aloof, toward something. I've not figured out what that thing is yet, lol, but still I am amazed by the symbolism in dreams.

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My dream last night: My neighbor (who is married with 2 young children & a 3rd on the way) comes over to my house and she's stressing out. I learn in the dream that she and her DH are actually not married but they are getting married. In the dream, they still have 2 kids and 3rd on the way. Except in real life, they have a 3 year old girl and a 1 year old boy. In the dream, it appears they have about a 5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. (WHOA. I didn't recognize the importance of that until I typed it out.....that's the age difference & order of me & my brother) So, neighbor is stressing that she hasn't received her wedding invitations that she ordered and she needs to send them out very soon. She shows me a sample of the wedding invitation and it's a picture of her DH and the 2 kids with an iridescent invitation sort of super-imposed on top of it. She drops the invitation. I pick it up and hand it back to her. She drops it again and it goes under a cabinet. My mother, and a friend of my mother's, are both in the dream. We're all looking for the invitation and it cannot be found. I notice, in looking underneath the cabinet, the floor is filthy. Covered in particles, dust bunnies, etc.

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I pick apart my dream.......Just yesterday, I was posting about how Bianca and I are the only family we need and we're in this place right now for a reason. I have a sense of peace about her not needing a father right now; just needing me to be 100% present. Since I wrote out the dream, I'm certain the photo represents the family I had growing up. And in fact, photos in dreams are an indication of a "snapshot" of a certain time in your life. Dream interpretation of losing something, again pretty literal, depicts something lost in your life. And dirt or dirty spaces are an indication of something you find shameful.

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So, in a nutshell, this dream stamped my childhood as something I lost and that I'm unhappy about. I think her stress in the dream equals my stress over family situations. And I think the fact that she dropped the photo and I handed it back to her is representative of my repeated efforts to let go of my past. I think it's noteworthy that my mother is also looking for the photo since she has a lifelong struggle of family issues. Dream interpretation of weddings is a new beginning or a life transition. So, I think the invitation super-imposed over the photo of what I'm grieving equals an invitation for me to let go and move forward into this new phase. Pretty freakin' cool. Invitation accepted!

Nice to Meet You!

I'm not really sure why I've kept a degree of anonymity on my blog. Is there anyone I feel like I need to be secret from? Do I think someone is going to track me down through it? I think it was just the old assumption that I need to protect myself.

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But as this blog has become a place of solace and honesty for me, I'm at a point where I want to stop being cryptic with the "DD" and "T", etc. codes.

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So....Hi! My name is Kim. And my daughter's name is Bianca. From now on, I'll be referring to the people in my life by their names (unless the person I'm speaking of wants anonymity). I feel a sense of friendship and kinship in this blog community and it's time I let my guard down in this forum.