Sign of Saturn....she's coming around.

Some time ago, I wrote this post about my most symbolic tattoo.  Most symbolic yet the one I struggle to remember ALL. THE. TIME.   
Paraphrased: Astrologically Saturn has become a symbol for implacable powers, restrictions impossible to overcome, relentless natural forces and the hard, fixed structures of the world of matter. Saturn is known as the Greater Malefic; the bringer of sorrow, and the one who deprives. But Saturn only brings sorrow and deprivation in those areas of a person's life that are based on illusions or unrealistic expectations. Astrologers suggest that the inner being, the self, is protected by the personality, the psychological structure enveloping the self, spirit, inner being, or true individual. Through the imaginations, conceptions, and games of the personality, the inner being is protected until that protection is no longer needed and becomes a hindrance for self-fulfillment. Once this stage of development has been reached the outer shell must be broken. The position of Saturn reveals the way in which the protective shell will break, the price that has to be paid for the freedom necessary for further development, and the pain that has to be endured during the process of really becoming a grown-up, a kind of rebirth.

So this tattoo was always meant to be a reminder of the struggle to find my true self, my rebirth, and more importantly as a symbol of my own power.  Yesterday, I realized that I am not being particularly Saturnine right now. 

I ask myself......is this situation really that big of a deal?? Does it need to be? If I sit so expectantly at A's mercy, won't that energy convey? He may not be that in tune with me (or women in general) but it definitely makes ME feel that he has the upper hand. So let me reframe this. It's a big deal only because I'm allowing it to be a big deal.


A quote from a book that came to mind while pondering this: "Whenever you need something from someone else you become powerless because they can decide not to give it to you."

I REFUSE to be powerless to A or any person!!! I don't NEED him!!! B doesn't need him. We have made it this far without him and we are doing okay. I am extending the olive branch to him for B's sake and also to do my part in her life. But that is the end of my responsibility. This is HIS screw up. Not mine. This is his responsibility to make the effort. Yes, I am absolutely willing to take steps to help make it happen. Literally and figuratively I will meet him halfway.  But I am not at his mercy. I am not his doormat. I am not even his friend. I don't have to accept anything from him that I don't want to. I don't need to walk on eggshells with him. I don't need to worry that if I say the wrong thing, he will no longer want to see his daughter. I don't have to beg for his love (for her)!!!!! Gah this is where it ties into my father. Dammit. And also where I say she doesn't need him. I still feel like I needed a dad & that projects onto her. The desire to "save her" from what I experienced. This part is MY work.....I believe these words in my head but my heart is afraid to release the perceived need.  Hmmmm....I am sure I wrote about this somewhere before about my own father......I need to hunt that down.

Ok.....I reclaim my power. I claim my Sign of Saturn. Excellent. Now what does this mean as far as how I deal with him?? (I'm still thinking about that part & working on a list of guidelines for myself.)  I feel more powerful today.....more centered.  I cannot give him the power to get me so off-balance.  I may wobble.....but I will NOT fall down. 

Dream

Had a very symbolic dream last night. I dreamt that I stopped at a store with my DD to pick something up quickly and when I came back out, my car had been stolen. I looked around for it but could not find it. I called the police to report it stolen and they did not come out to take a report. I was waiting and waiting. I kept talking to different people about it and everyone empathized but no one would help me. At this point, DD was no longer in the dream. I walked down the road to a gas station and was trying again to get someone to help me. I called the police again but no one answered. I ended up walking home alone on a dark wooded road feeling nervous and hiding from other cars when they passed by.

Whoever is into dream interpretation will know that a car generally symbolizes the "self" or ego. So a stolen car suggests being stripped of your identity. And naturally the part about no one helping me or responding to me in any meaningful way is an obvious commentary on my youth. About my parents &/or other adults not intervening for me. I'm interested in T's take (or anyone reading) as to the significance of the timing of this dream. I've just done father work, written a letter of farewell to my dreams of having the father I desired. I'm starting on some inner child work. So, I'm wondering what part of my identity I feel I'm losing right now. Or if it's less specific than that and just speaks to the good work I'm doing in T right now and my general progress which makes me less who I used to be and brings me closer to who I'm supposed to be.

Dream

Forgot to mention this earlier. I remember a little snippet of my dream from last night and it's so completely obvious, it's hilarious. My parking lot at work is underground; I call it the "dungeon". It's extremely dark, cramped and tough to park in. Apparently a few years ago, they discovered this building was beginning to shift and they had to reinforce it with lots of concrete poles. So there are huge pillars like every 2-3 spaces in the parking garage.

So my dream was that I was driving around in the parking garage and I couldn't figure out where to park. I'd start to pull into a space then realize I wasn't going to fit there, try to pull out but I'd get stuck b/c of another car behind me. I kept driving around, trying to get into various spots til finally I found one wide open....utopia! I pulled in with ease and realized that it wasn't a parking spot at all....I had just stopped in the middle of the driving area!! Oops.

Parking Lot: To dream that you are in parking lot, suggests that you need to slow down and take some time to relax from your daily activities. To dream that you cannot find a parking space, indicates your inability to find your place in life. You may still be on your quest to find your niche where you belong. Alternatively, it may reflect your busy life and the lack of time you have.

Hmmmmm, ya think??

Dream Dictionary

So I looked up a few things in a dream dictionary for my past few dreams:

The one with the gorillas in the hospital:
To see a gorilla in your dream, suggests that you may be too "over the top" in your behavior. Perhaps you are compensating for your rigidity and stiffness in your waking life. Alternatively, the gorilla symbolizes your primitive impulses, wild nature and repressed sexual energy.

To see a hospital in your dream, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life.

The one about the heroin addict snake:

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a "quick fix". You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?

To dream that you have an addiction or become addicted, represent an obsessive behavior. A situation or a person may be trying to take over your sense of control. The dream also suggests that you have difficulty relating to the world around you.

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

The one about B being taken away:

To see a carpenter indicates that you are confronting and overcoming your obstacles. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to change your way of thinking and readjust your attitude//To see construction in your dream, signifies a new surge of energy, ambition and renewed confidence. It may also represent the rebuilding of your own life.

To dream that you are climbing a steep rock, signifies struggles, obstacles, and disappointments.//To dream that you are at the edge of a cliff, indicates that you have arrived to an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You may have reached a critical point in your life and may fear losing control.

To see a bonfire in your dream, suggests that you need to find a new path and set forth toward a different goal. It is time to freely express yourself and let go of the old outdated ways of thinking.

To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.

To dream about a blizzard, suggests that you are feeling emotionally cold and frigid. You are feeling excluded and left out. It may indicate a lack of love and the absence of warmth within your own family circle.

To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream about your birthday, denotes acceptance of yourself. You are celebrating who you are and coming to terms with who you are as a person. (It wasn't MY birthday in the dream, but my daughter's who was definitely signifying my IC)

To see a doughnut in your dream, represents the Self. It suggests that you may be feeling lost and still trying to find yourself and your purpose in life. Alternatively, it refers to growth, development and nurturance. You are not completely whole.

To see your childhood home or a home that you no longer live in, reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some feelings or unfinished expression of emotions that are now being triggered by a waking situation.