Friday, December 28, 2007

Sign Of Saturn

I'm adding this to my blog so that I can find it easily......I'm gearing up for the new year. And I'm going to get my MoJo back!!

This is something I wrote back in March of 2007:
I was most dismayed as I read through my old journal yesterday. This was 13 years ago. THIRTEEN YEARS. 13 Years of life and experiences, relationships, books, counseling. And I feel like I am essentially still in the same place I was then. Look at my patterns: latching onto a man to give me my identity, protecting others above myself, panic, distance from God, no self worth, the "in-between" stage of being aware but not being able to change. I was discouraged and disgusted. This morning, I was thinking over things.....what I'd read in my journals, the situation with XBF. And then I had my epiphany.

I am a woman who fights tooth and nail for control of every situation, yet I am a woman who gives away my power to everything and everyone else in my life.

I give my power to my father, my mother, my brother, my anger, my boyfriends, my friends, memories, words, addictions, food. I strive to control people, things, situations that really are beyond my control. WHY then do I not control the one and only thing I CAN control, which is me and my power. Girls: I am back. I am a stone cold warrior in a battle to RECLAIM MY POWER. This is MY power and I am damn sick and tired of not owning it and rejoicing in it. Why in Gods name would I ever give it away? Why do I waste all my time and energy in this futile attempt to control that which I cannot and, in the end, I let that "failure" consume and control me? I stopped what I was doing this morning when I had that realization and went into my craft supplies and pulled out a bag of these wooden circles, like big poker chips, sortof. I took out my pen and I wrote POWER on one. I'm carrying it with me. I will continue to carry it with me. It is a reminder, a symbol, that I own my power and I will not give it away to anyone or anything again. I'm on a mission to take it back from everyone and everything I freely, and foolishly, relinquished it to.

I am waging a war on my addiction. Food is not stronger than me. It does not hold power over me. I will no longer allow it. I have some plans in place about how I'm going to make it through the cravings and the desire to rely on my addiction to comfort me, to hide behind. This time, I'm actually going to employ my tactics. I really didn't before. Yes, I was being accountable but I don't think I was even really trying not to give into the addiction. I cannot imagine a world without my constant comfort/release. One of the very few things I can depend on to always come through, be predictable, ease a pain or numb a feeling. But it's consuming me. It's killing me. It's not who I want to be. I gave my power away to an addiction and I'm taking it back. I will not let it control me anymore. I am in control. I will control the only thing I can control. ME. I've been so afraid to not be who I have been because I don't know who I will become. Well, it's high f***ing time I quit being afraid and find out who I can become.


Searching for something more permanent than the Power Chip....I went looking for a symbol I could tattoo on myself as a reminder and this is what I found a couple weeks later:

As an old Italic deity of sowing and harvest, Saturn became the Roman god of agriculture, gardening and vineyard cultivation. He was also a benefactor of humankind, a promoter of prosperity, and good manners and customs. During the Roman Empire's first centuries Saturnalia were celebrated, that is the midwinter festivals of Saturn, a period of unrestrained merriment in the celebration of the winter solstice. Slaves were given their freedom and were serviced by their masters. All enmity and animosity was forgotten, and all punishments were postponed.
Astrologically Saturn has become a symbol for implacable powers, restrictions impossible to overcome, relentless natural forces and the hard, fixed structures of the world of matter. In astrological graphical symbolism, the sign of Saturn illustrates that the crescent of receptivity, (the personality), submits to the restrictions of matter, . Saturn is known as the Greater Malefic; the bringer of sorrow, and the one who deprives. But Saturn only brings sorrow and deprivation in those areas of a person's life that are based on illusions or unrealistic expectations. Saturn represents the unrelenting aspect of reality that forces the individual to abandon all ideas that are not based on a realistic perception of the material conditions of life. A child is protected by his or her parents from physical and psychological harm. (Yeah, well....not always.) But for self-fulfillment the child must at some time free himself from this protective shield, its parents. (Or in my case, free herself from the bastards who didn't protect) Astrologers suggest that the inner being, the self, in a similar way is protected by the personality, the psychological structure envelopping the self, spirit, inner being, or true individual. Through the imaginations, conceptions, and games of the personality, the inner being is protected until that protection is no longer needed and becomes a hindrance for self-fulfillment. Once this stage of development has been reached the outer shell must be broken. The position of Saturn reveals the way in which the protective shell will break, the price that has to be paid for the freedom necessary for further development, and the pain that has to be endured during the process of really becoming a grown-up, a kind of rebirth. If the implications of Saturn are ignored, the planet becomes precisely the symbol of deprivations, inhibitions, and hardship just mentioned. What Robert Hand has to say in this respect is most enlightening: "Every time we do what is untrue to our nature, acting not from a real necessity but rather to fulfill what others may expect of us, we commit a crime against ourselves that is peculiarly Saturnine. We move a bit toward death, more of our potential becomes actual, and what is actual does not express what we are."
And so I got the Sign of Saturn tattoo on my forearm. (Think I'll try to add a pic of it) It meant so much to symbolic. Now it mocks me. Look what I've become. Look how I have let go of my power.

Yet, in re-reading the first part of this post (the part I copied back from 3/07), I see I've made progress this year.
Latching onto a man to give me my identity: I've been single for almost a year now and enjoying building my own strong identity.
Protecting others above myself: Not really anymore, no.
Panic: Well....medication controlled but still....that was a big step!!
Distance from God: Errr, okay.....I had to leave myself something to work on in '08
No self worth: I won't say none anymore b/c I do have self worth and I can say that when I am feeling unworthy, at least I'm quick to question what is behind that feeling.
The "in-between" stage of being aware but not being able to change: I don't think this is so much an issue now either...."not being able to" sounds so weak. I think I take more responsibility for my choices now. I feel like I need to go do the Year In Review/Goals for 2008 to start another post!! I'm a posting fool this week!


jm said...

recognizing that we must accept that we are worthy of respect and are deserving of respectful treatment is the first step in getting better. if we don't feel we deserve it we won't accept it when we get it. please know that you are good, you do deserve good, you are worthy of being treated with respect and honor.

peace and blessings


motherbumper said...

You go and get that MoJo back! There were parts of this post that I sounded like they jumped right out of my head. Here's to healing and having a peaceful 2008 - Happy New Year Perfect.

Angel said...

Great post. There's a lot to think about in there.