Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Or, more to the point, take the record off. Smash that stupid thing on the ground.
So I've been dating.
Well, at least I've been *trying* to date. I joined a dating site about 3 months ago. It's been pretty pathetic, really. Imagine my surprise when about a month ago, I randomly met a guy out of the blue at a fall festival and we hit it off. We've been talking and have gone out three times now.
Last week, as I struggled with some feelings about this man, I realized (and it kills me to admit this) I have no problems with being wanted/desired, objectified even. I'm frighteningly comfortable there. Yet still I feel completely undeserving of love.
On date #2, we did a lot of kissing and flirting and I left there feeling like oh great, now I "have" to finish what I started. Like I owe him now. Because naturally this must be all he wants from me. I know I don't owe him, BTW....it's just the old messages inside of me. There is a sense of dread that I "have" to go through with it. Yet at the same time that there is a sense of relief that says "phew, you can just sleep with him....you know how to do that. Don't think about it...just do what he wants." What I don't know is how to evaluate if he (or anyone) is actually a good person for me, if I want them on a deeper level, if they deserve me. And I really don't know what to do with the feelings of liking him and the fear of rejection. Which naturally would just reinforce the whole "you're not lovable" mantra that lives at my very core.
It's that old record....this is all you are good for. This is your worth. You are an object to be used at the discretion and the will of others. You don't deserve love. If you did, your father would have given it to you. Your brother would have been taught to respect you. You have no right to anything good, whole and pure. This brand of happiness is not in the cards for you, kid.
It doesn't help that I have ZERO idea what is "normal." Sex is such dangerous territory for me. I get lost in it. It's too familiar and way too easy to detach from. Or maybe I should say it's almost necessary to detach from because just forbid I allow myself to be vested in it and suffer the shame and disappointment. I know how to navigate *just sex* but I don't know how to command a man's respect and to feel confident in the knowledge that I deserve to be wanted on every level. I don't feel worth waiting for. I feel like the only thing I have of value is sexual. I feel worthy of being screwed, abused & dumped. I don't even feel like a guy would want to spend money on me to take me out. Like I had better offer to pay or else we'll never go anywhere because certainly he's not going to waste his money on me.
I can't separate what is "normal" feelings of attraction and excitement vs what is me just wanting to run to the familiar and not have to think along a different route that, frankly, is totally counter intuitive for me. I can't ever count myself among "normal" people when it comes to sex because sex has absolutely NO normal context in the whole of my life. Will it ever make sense?