Sunday, January 25, 2009
Two years ago this month was when I started the process of buying my condo. There were a few factors that led me to this particular condo. One of the big perks being that it was 2 miles from Tom's house. He came to look at the condo with me and also liked it. He talked about partially living with me and part at his house, where he was caring for his sick mother and brother. When I made the offer on this place, he was totally into it, talking about plans, our future & Bianca's future. We talked about this being somewhat temporary, believing that by the time Bianca started school, we would move to a home of our own or at least have the income necessary to have other options, like private school, available to us.
I failed to see alot of red flags in him throughout our 2 1/2 year relationship (We dated 10 months, broke up but stayed close friends for 9 months and got back together for another 10 months). To start with, he'd never had a relationship longer than 3 months before he met me and he was almost 40 years old. I didn't pay enough attention to the dysfunctional dynamics in his family. I listened to his words and didn't pay enough attention to his actions. I will say, though, in the first 2-3 months of our relationship, each time around, he treated me like a princess. It made it that much more confusing when things started changing. I excused it. I clung to the way things used to be and didn't give weight to how things were in the here & now. I just held onto hope that it would go back to how it used to be.
The second (final) time we broke up, it was the week before I closed on my condo. He was so into it when I put in the offer. And when the idea of our future and commitments became a reality, he bailed. I remember so vividly leaving the closing and coming to my new home. I had packed a little picnic lunch of salad, strawberries and a martini. I sat down on my dining room floor and I cried and cried and cried. It was so bittersweet and I was so angry with him for breaking all his promises, for saying all the "right" things to me which fed into my building this false idea of happiness and security. It was all an illusion but, in my mind, it was so real and so infallible.
I'm now trying to make decisions about where Bianca will go to school. I work an hour from where I live and I hate the thought of having her so far away. I can't help but regret that I didn't take school into account when I moved; that I listened to his promises. I can't help but be reminded of where I thought I'd be in my life at this point. And, don't get me wrong, I am happy and I'm better off without him. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I sometimes wish he had turned out to be the person he said he was.
I have to believe that there was a reason I saw him yesterday.....I guess it was time for me to confront some of these feelings again. I started to cry when I saw him and I'm not sure why. My first instinct was that it has to do with feeling bad about myself and feeling ashamed of how I look now. I stuffed it down right away because I didn't want to explain to Bianca why I was crying. She's *really* into Why? Why? Why? right now without accepting any brushoff answers. I didn't have the energy for it. Of couse now that I've stuffed it down.....who knows if I can get it back.
Friday, January 16, 2009
While I didn't have an evening binge last night, I'm not counting it as a success. I ate so much for dinner that I was in pain. I think it was out of fear that I would limit myself from bingeing afterwards. I wanted to be sure I had "enough" to hold me over til bedtime. Even feeling full and nearly sick didn't stop the urge. I had major urge last night which I did not give in to but it was even harder than the night before. My hands were shaking and I was slightly panic-stricken as I went to bed. Today, also. At work, I had lunch and I was uncomfortably full but ALL I could think about was eating a cookie. I wanted it so badly it was making me really angry. I want, more accurately I NEED, to start figuring some of this stuff out. Excellent topic for counseling tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I mentioned in my last post that I reached out to a woman who is a dietitian. She's the Mom of one of the kids in Bianca's daycare. I'm not going to use her real name here since I've not asked her permission. I am going to call her "JS". We've been corresponding through email and she's been a help, for sure. Though she's not MY nutritionist, it's nice to be able to talk to someone about the topic. And also nice to be able to mix in a little spattering of social & Mom-talk. It takes away some of the intensity. I emailed her last night and confessed it was my "bad" time of day. I told her that I actually feel panic at the thought of choosing NOT to binge. It's something I've just recently realized as I've been getting more serious about dealing with my addiction. And even though I know the guilt, remorse and disgust that follow, I still choose the binge.
JS responded with this: Do you ever journal? I know this has helped a lot of people - mainly focusing on why the binge would occur and how you will feel afterwards. Really allow yourself to feel the guilt beforehand and writing it down sometimes makes it more of a reality. I have had patients in the past that were actually seeking out the guilt the next day, even though they didn't realize that was what they were doing and really staring it in the face helped. Trying to just ignore the nature of the beast makes it difficult. Confront your feelings and see where that takes you.
The part I italicized struck me in particular. It made me think about Eckart Tolle and his theory that I keep coming back to. Keeping the pain body alive. Continuing to sabotage myself. I've recognized that I do that to myself in matters of abuse.....beating myself up, choosing bad relationships, holding on to bad memories, negative feelings and anger. Punishing myself when there is no one else to do it. Could this be why my eating has been getting worse as I've felt like I'm making more progress in other areas of counseling? Am I just transferring it from one medium to another?
Tonight, no matter how scary, I'm making the decision not to binge. I feel dread, fear and panic as I write that knowing that putting it down makes it more real and makes me accountable for my decision. I'm going to brush my teeth when I bring Bianca up to bed and I will blog or knit when I return downstairs. It it's too intense, I will have to go upstairs to bed.
It's now 2 1/2 hours later and I'm getting ready to go to bed. Before I brushed my teeth along with Bianca, I definitely felt a rush of "No-no-no-no!!!!!! I need to eat!!!" Normally, I would give in to that and allow myself to be talked out of brushing so I could continue my binge. But tonight I went ahead and brushed. And I came downstairs and I haven't had anything to eat. I watched American Idol. I knitted. I did some things on the computer. There have been a few moments of struggle. I definitely want to eat right now. In fact, I'm feeling "hungry". I mean, it actually feels like my stomach is growling even though it's not. It's making me crazy hence the reason I need to go to bed soon. But I did it. I made it through a night without bingeing. And while it's only one tiny blip in the big picture of my addiction, it's a reminder that I can do this. I can make a good choice. I can survive.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Okay, so I know that at least a bicycle represents balance in life, or a need for balance. I wonder if the fact that it's a tricycle suggests that I'm still a neophyte with the ability to balance my life? Ohhhhh, oh oh. Something coming to fruition in my brain.....Bianca in the corner is me. Breathe, breathe, breathe......starting to feel the edges of a panic attack. Okay....I was having so much trouble putting this together. Beds represent intimacy or sexuality. I couldn't place that in my dream because I have no intimate life right now!! But Bianca is me.....this is speaking to my sexuality being stolen from me as a child. Making more sense now. This is why my mother was in the dream. This is why I couldn't understand how the alarm didn't stop the "thief". This is why it was a tricycle in my bed. "Bianca's" wet room: To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To dream that water is rising up in your house, signifies your struggles and overwhelming emotions.
Alrightee, then.....that took 15 minutes to write out and completely sapped me of all energy when I finally put it together. Writing is an amazing tool when it comes to dream interpretation. Any other thoughts welcome......
Coming back to this much later, after having more time to think about it.....I'm sure that this is some message about balancing (the tricycle) my inner child with my present day self. Bianca's bed was stolen but she was still there, huddled in the corner. My bed was there, but with the bike in it.~
A second addendum....I'm at home now. I wrote that just as I was leaving work. I got in my car and I felt a surge of emotion. My usual protocol is to remind myself of why it's a bad time for me to feel emotions....on my way somewhere, need to concentrate on something else, in the middle of something "more important", and I'll turn up the radio and busy my brain elsewhere. Today, I turned the radio off and breathed into the feelings. I cried. Not for long but enough to make me feel I'd accomplished something. I cried and I allowed myself to grieve for being robbed of something precious and irreplaceable. I realize that there is nothing more important that taking those opportunities when they come. By feeling my feelings and allowing my grief, I give myself the best gift of all which is healing.