Friday, October 12, 2007

Date Afterthoughts, part 2

I figured it out. As I pondered and spoke with a close friend about it, I figured it out. It's not about sex. It is about trust to a degree, not just in another person, but trust in ME. But overwhelmingly, it's about CONTROL. I am flipping out and running in circles because I have no ability to control the outcome of the situation. And by obsessing about this, I am actually giving the control to him in the situation. Look, I even said that I would not know how I felt about it until I saw how he acted afterwards. Does that sound like the empowered statement of a woman who has decided to reclaim herself? Um, no. I am terrified to make a "mistake". Well, my task right now is to decide what *I* want to do. Not what I think he wants me to do. Not what I think I'm obliged to do. And not to feel bad because it seems like something others would judge as the wrong thing to do. I like him. I'm going to decide what I want to do and I'm going to go with it and know that, whatever the consequence, I did what was right for me. I claimed my power and I followed through with what I wanted. *Phew*

Afterthoughts from my date..........

Went on a second date last weekend. First date went really well. Nice connection. He was kind, respectful, gentlemanly. Intelligent, funny....a little "dorky" in an endearing way. SO cute. :o) Incredible eyes, inviting mouth, nice and tall which I love. Second date went equally well....we took a stroll, did a little shopping, went out for coffee. He was showing signs of being very interested. That's good, I'm interested too. When we were leaving, things got quite "hot & heavy" in the goodbye kisses and progressed into wandering hands and that kind of thing. I'll spare the details. I can safely say that, if we'd been somewhere private, we would have slept together. Since then, I've been tossing the issue around big time. We may get together this weekend and I feel like I need to be clear on how I'm feeling. But I'm having trouble identifying it.

I guess I'm just in this new place where I feel like, as long as I am being true to myself and I'm comfortable with how things are going, all is well. I'm trying to avoid getting lost in things/people..... feeling like I am "expected" to do certain things. I was feeling fine until I started going on circles on the sex issue and now I can't tell if I'm just being ridiculous and creating an issue where there is none or if I'm stuck in thinking about it because I'm not feeling comfortable about it Unfortunately, because of my's easy for me to slip back into certain "modes" when it comes to sex. It can be as much a dissociation as it can be a connection. I'm not sure if I'm uncomfortable.....I guess I'm just questioning my motivation for wanting to rush into sex with him. Is it simply that he's cute and I haven't had sex in 10 long months?? I mean it really could be that simple but then I start to think bigger picture and just wondering what I'm doing. Is this what I want? I'm stepping outside of the sex part and looking at how we interact which, up til this point was fine, fun and casual. Now it's mostly sex flirtation and I'm not sure how I feel about that even though I helped to create it. So, again.....not sure if I have a valid point to think about or if I'm just creating a roadblock. I think about the last time I had casual sex and it was awful in the emotional standpoint. It was something out of a movie. But I knew going into it that he was a player...I just chose to ignore it because he was hot. I didn't listen to myself. I can reluctantly admit I was just hoping that the evening together would "sway" him into feeling something for me. Instead, I left there feeling like a fool. I said I didn't want to do that again (casual sex).....but then I changed my whole tune about relationships and not really wanting one now. So, does that mean no sex? And how do I really feel about intimacy without an emotional connection? It's SUCH a loaded topic for me. I don't feel like I want to back out of what I began with him.....I just feel like I need to understand it and I really hate having to analyze why I want to have sex, b/c it kinda takes some fun out of it!! I guess better that than a regret. It's just new territory. Actually, more accurately....and why it's becoming an issue, I's OLD territory with a new perspective. I guess I'm questioning if old behaviors done with new wisdom/clarity are still old behaviors that were once very destructive. I guess the bottom line of all of this is.....for whatever reason, something has happened, be it real or self-created, that has given me doubt and I should not do anything til I figure out if it has merit. Dammit.

I'm re-reading what I've written up to this point and I think I'm identifying something. I don't want to be made a fool again. I think that is what I'm coming away with. I don't know him well enough to know if this is all he wants from me. I'd like to think I've come far enough to be able to say I don't get the player vibe off of him. But people's deception skills can shock me. I do know for a fact that I'm not chosing to ignore something that is there. He's not exhibiting anything that I would deem shady or dishonest. It seems to me that I have a pattern going here.....I am the most comfortable in the situation with a man I'm not interested in being head over heels for me. Total control. Nothing to lose. No vulnerability. I'm safe, I'm protected. If I never talk to this person again, I will not care one bit. Yeah, baby....that's how I like it. In reality, I yearn to let someone into my heart......I ache to share my soul with someone who loves me in return. But it hurts too much letting people in. It's why I'd let them in my bed but not in my heart. I waited...waited for them to fall for me before I would fall for them. And when they did fall for me, I pushed them away. When they didn't, I just chalked it up to some recreational sex. No harm done. Dear god...the harm that has really been done. I have no idea how to gauge where sex is appropriate. Do emotionally healthy people have casual sex? I am beginning to think that my current relationship ambivalence is really a paralyzing fear to open myself up to hurt again. I seem to not understand anything in between. (me & my black & white thinking) It's "not me" to go slowly and get to know someone. Does physical intimacy alter the ability to get to know someone on an emotionally intimate level? I suppose it does not as long as you are on the same wavelength. But how to know if we're on the same wavelength without talking about it and how to keep things casual if I do choose to talk about? And why am I trying to keep it casual yet thinking about sleeping with him at the same time?? Alot of conundrums, here.

I want to because: I miss sex. It's been a long time and I really want to feel that closeness to someone. I like him. He's cute. He's sweet. I *think* he's a good guy. He is the first person I've had this feeling about since I started dating again. I've certainly had other opportunities to have sex but haven't taken them so I know it's not just about missing sex.

I hesitate because: I don't *know* if he's a good guy. I don't want it to end up like the last time I had sex with someone I didn't know well.

I think I might be feeling a small twinge of obligation b/c I definitely was so into it last time and I let him know (non-verbally) that I would have taken it further if I could have. Is it unreasonable to get swept away in the heat of the moment? Would I have regretted it if I had done it? Honestly, that would all depend on his actions from that point forward. Why do my feelings depend on his feelings? Am I going into this with an expectation? Well, expectation is that he is the person he portrays himself to be. I don't expect him to be a great love of my life. I don't think he's that kind of guy for me. I also don't feel like I want that now. But why? Do I need to question why if I just know it's how I feel right now? Yeah, I think I do....because I think that sometimes I can even fool myself. Will I be able to get better at this if I don't make a few attempts and see how it feels? Or will I stay stuck and paralyzed? If I run with this, am I ignoring my own warning lights? I want to be this "cool girl" who doesn't care about having a boyfriend and doesnt need to talk things to death with a guy I'm dating. It's been feeling really comfortable to me....but now I'm not so sure how much that really is me or how much of it is just a comforting, protective persona. God damn, I'm so good at putting on a mask, I can't even recognize it myself.