Monday, June 30, 2008

Thumbelina Went to Therapy!

My DD is almost 4. She enjoys fairy tales, as most little girls do. Last night we were reading an abridged version of Thumbelina. You've probably read it or seen one of the movies.....

Everyone falls madly in love with Thumbelina at first sight. First of the movie we have, she looks like she's about 15 years old. In the story we were reading last night, she looks like she's no more than 6!! The toad falls in love with her and wants to marry her. Mr. Mole falls in love with her immediately and wants to marry her. Mr. Mole is blind, mind you, and falls in love with her just hearing her voice! Then the flower prince falls in love with her and asks her to marry him. Of course at this point, there is a "yes" and the happily-ever-after ending.

Last night, thanks to a Mom who's fed up with fairy tale endings, Thumbelina ended like this:
.....and the flower prince met Thumbelina, fell madly in love with her and immediately asked her to marry him. And Thumbelina said "Are you out of your mind? You just met me 5 seconds ago! You don't even know me; you can't be in love with me. Get a grip, man!" So Thumbelina went to college and established a career. Then she started her own company. She bought her own place and made all her own dreams come true!!

Armored In

I did something very unusual this weekend. I went to T without an agenda. Usually, I have notes or I've printed blog posts. I go with a folder or notebook. Saturday, I went with my coffee and no real pressing matters at hand.

I acknowledged that I was feeling a little uneasy without a "plan". So T guided me through some grounded breathing where I just took stock of how/what I was feeling. We discussed the fact that my mind wants to roadblock that process with negative messages everytime I try it. Fortunately, I've gotten pretty good at tuning those messages out.

I told her that I tried the anger expression exercise once and I was pleased with the result. Even though I hadn't done it again..... But she said it was good I did it once and that I'm open to doing it more. We discussed the physical tightness in my body and she referred to it as being "armored in". She said that it becomes not just an armoring of the physical self but a restraint to all forms of expression. Interesting. I definitely feel physically armored. In fact, I strongly believe my eating disorder is a subconscious armoring. I think the extra pounds serve as a barrier, an insulation against other people or any type of closeness. In any case, I did do another release exercise on Sat night. I didn't feel like I got in touch with anything. But that's okay. I still did it. I thought about doing it again last night.....but I decided to get in touch with brownies & ice cream instead. ;o)

I mulled about the subject of my love life. Or utter lack thereof, more specifically. I said that I can't really figure the whole thing out. I am not motivated to meet someone at this point. And I'd be content to accept that but I feel some sort of pressure to WANT to want someone in my life. Does that make sense? Like it seems wrong that I want to be alone. I told her that I just question my motives right now. Is it just that I'm content with me and DD; don't want to bring anything new into our lives right now? Or is it fear? Because if it's the latter, I don't want to give in to that. T said she sensed some sort of anxiety around this subject, almost a feeling of "what-if"s about the future. And I said yes there is some of that but it's not what you would expect. It's not the "what if I get involved and he breaks my heart"'s more like what if I find myself really wanting a relationship someday and I've given up opportunities to have one at this point? Or what if I'm too old to meet someone when I finally feel ready? Or what if I'm putting my personal life on hold for all the wrong reasons. I said there is part of me that really feels like I need to do this now. Need. But not want. I've spent so much of my life chasing after love that it feels utterly wrong to not care. Maybe it's a sign of healing. I'm not sure.

As I talked, I realized that a driving force of the desire to meet someone now is because I want to give DD a "replacement"....I want someone to fulfill that role in her life so she's no longer wishing for my XBF. Amazing what comes out when you're just open to ideas..... Clearly that is the wrong reason to get involved. I'm still up in the air about the whole dating/relationship topic. I'm not looking to meet anyone at the moment. But I want to stay open to the subject and keep feeling out my ambivalence. That's a good word for it and I guess that's why I keep circling it. It's not like me AT ALL to be ambivalent about men, relationships, love. Since I don't feel settled in either direction, I believe there is more behind it than I'm in touch with yet.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Who Inspires You?

I have to say I'm not all that impressed or inspired by many high profile people who would be considered role models. I'm inspired more by everyday men and women (mostly women, lol!) I meet. But there is one celebrity who I find particularly fascinating and uplifting and that's Mary J. Blige.

I have seen a few interviews with her, particularly the one on Oprah. Mary was molested at age 5. She grew up in some difficult circumstances. She's struggled with alcohol and drug addictions. But her story has a happy ending. I love her music. It's personal. It moves me. And there are some fantastic dance tunes!! Perhaps you've seen this iPod commercial for "Work That" which has fast become my morning anthem!! It's a very empowering song!! I italicized the parts I particularly LOVE!

Work That
Work your thing out, Work your thing out
Theres so many-a girls, I hear you been running
From the beautiful queen that you could be becoming
You can look at my palm and see the storm coming
Read the book of my life and see I've overcome it
Just because the length of your hair ain't long
And they often criticize you for your skin tone
Wanna hold your head high cause you're a pretty woman
Get your runway stride home and keep going

Feelin great because the light's on me
Celebrating the things that everyone told me
Would never happen but God has put his hands on me
And aint a man alive could ever take it from me
Working with what I got I gotta keep on
Taking care of myself I wanna live long
Aint never ashamed what life did to me
Wasn't afraid to change cause it was good for me

I wanna...I just wanna be myself
Don't sweat girl be yourself
Follow meFollow meFollow me
Girl be yourself
That's why I be myself
And I'm gonna love it, Let em get mad
They gonna hate anyway, Don't you get that?
Doesn't matter if you're going on with their plan
They'll never be happy cause they're not happy with themselves
Work what you got
I'm talking bout things that I know
Work what you got
It's okay show yourself some love

I love how she says she's overcome it. Not that she's over it. Not that it no longer matters. But basically that she worked her thing out and is strong in spite of the past. Or maybe even because of it. I love the "runway stride" part. Because I find that when I walk confidently, it makes a huge difference in my attitude. And I love the last's okay to show yourself some love.

What do you do to show yourself love??

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

14 Years Ago

These are some excerpts from a journal I found a while back.

Background to help understand this post – my brother (one of my abusers) had an enormous tumor and it was at this time he was living at our house temporarily while he underwent testing, treatment and eventually a surgery to remove it. My parents were still married but my father (another abuser) was living/working out of state. He returned home for all of this. It was also a few days before my birthday. I'd like to add that my jaw nearly hit the floor when I read back over this and saw the following first statement.....HOW exactly does she ask a kid something of this magnitude after what I'd experienced at the hands of my family??

6/6/94: Mom has asked me to help keep the family together. How do I tell her, at a time like this, that I don’t feel like I have anything to hold it together for? I’ve been trying for so long, following in my mother’s footsteps. It’s not a behavior pattern I want to follow. Saturday was an absolute disaster. We had dinner and I was so miserable. I was just dealing with so many feelings and having (brother) and dad there together is too overwhelming. (Brother's Girlfriend) was here and Uncle too. Under other circumstances, I could have forced myself to be happy. But I was bursting into tears all evening. It was all I could do to even sit at the table with them I hardly ate, I barely spoke and when I did it was quiet & brief. Mom said that I sounded like a wounded child. Don’t they understand that is exactly what I am? They bring me back to that hurt scared little girl that I was and I guess I’m just not in touch with all those feelings yet. I felt horrible – I knew I was ruining dinner but I just couldn’t force it Let me add that (Brother) and Dad both did not recognize or mention my birthday. Mom got a cake but they didn’t want to have it with me.

7/4/94 (Brother) had his surgery. It was long and complicated. I stayed at the hospital all day with mom. I went to the hospital a few times but couldn’t handle it. Just seeing him so helpless was like turning the tables. I just didn’t know how to feel about all of it. I didn’t like to see him in pain but I wasn’t really upset. One of the side effects of the surgery could have been impotence. I found myself thinking what a sick kind of justice that would be. I know that’s horrible and I certainly wasn’t wishing for it. Sometime I feel like I’m making too much out of what happened. There’s no doubt it’s affected me. Will I ever know what “making love” feels like? Will it ever be more than just an empty physical act? I was going to throw together some dinner and I asked Mom where something was and she said it was on the table. I felt like I was in a movie. I turned around to look at the table and I felt like I was in slow motion. I saw the table all set and started to hyperventilate and cry. I tried to collect myself but I was hysterical. I didn’t want to go through that dinner scene again. My stomach just dropped and I was mad at mom for putting me in that position without forewarning me. She said she asked everyone what they wanted to do and they wanted to eat at the table. I guess I’m not part of everyone? I ran downstairs feeling very upset and betrayed.

It was interesting to me to read these. I realized I've been dealing with panic attacks FAR longer than I ever realized. I realize how long I've been questioning if what happened was really "that bad" or if I was making too much of it. I had forgotten completely that my mother actually asked me to help her keep the family together. That's insanity. No wonder I'm so hostile toward her. It showed me how long I've been pushing my own pain aside so as not to inconvenience others. It shows me how F***ed up my family really is.

Monday, June 23, 2008

GET OUT!!!!!!

Did a little anger work tonight. It was my T homework and, after my appt last Weds night, I'd made a promise to do some work on it every night. Naturally, I've not done it. But tonight, after being called on it by a friend earlier today, I had to give it a try. Though I spent all day with a migraine and associated issues, I came down to the basement to do my homework. The point of the exercise wasn't even "anger work", per se. Just an attempt to get the energy flowing in my body, under the premise that the shoulder/neck/chest pains I have are basically my emotions, namely anger, "frozen" inside my body. So I did my breathing. I got into an open mental state. I felt like an idiot as I swung my bat and hit the foam beanbag chair. Started to get into a bit. I dropped the bat and started swinging closed fist punches into the air. OUCH. That really pulled on my sore shoulder and neck. But there was something intensely gratifying about that pain. No pain, no gain? So I started talking to the pain. "Get Out! Get Out!" and with a few more hard swings that all but knocked me backwards, I had a rush of images of being molested and raped and silently taken advantage of as the words "Get Out Of MY BODY!!!" spewed from my mouth and I knew I was no longer talking just to the anger and the physical pain.

I stopped after that because I felt I'd accomplished enough for my first night of "homework." I layed down on my back over the chair to open myself up for deep breathing. And relaxing. And crying. Though my shoulders are very sore right now, it's a "loose" type of sore. Probably because it's the first deep stretch those muscles have had in a very long time. I think I hold them near atrophy! Interesting. And intriguing enough to bring me back to the basement tomorrow night. That T....she's so freakin' wise. If I didn't love her so much, I'd possibly be annoyed at how often she's right! :o) Now the homework to the homework is to attempt to keep it loose back there!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Here, Hold This......

I had T last night. I love my T. I talked about the pains I've been having lately. I've had severe tenderness, tension as well as throbbing and stinging pain in my left shoulder, chest, arm, elbow, jaw, neck, etc. I know it's stress. I want to believe it could be something else because then I could just take a pill and make it go away. I've also had a few episodes of....hmm. I'm not sure what to call it! It happens in my car so I thought perhaps it was some sort of claustrophobia. Except I've now pinpointed that it always happens in relation to visiting with my mother. So, it's mom-ophobia? :o) In any case, my legs & my arms get tingly, jumpy, electrical shocky, feel like bugs are crawling on me. Makes it difficult to drive and I feel like I want to jump out of the car and shake my limbs. I start to get panicky and makes it hard to breathe. I want to run around the car. T said maybe I need to release some extra energy. BWaaahhhhHahHahHaaa!! Extra Energy???? Please! Man, I'm wiped out. I have no energy at all. I still haven't even done my laundry from vacation!! I told her I feel drained.

So T and I discussed this and the possibility of (HORRORS) maybe needing a med increase. *Insert sobbing here* And she said "Listen....of course you are exhausted. It's like someone handed you this giant weight and told you to hold it. And you've been holding it now for weeks, months, years! It takes a tremendous amount of energy to hold something in that hard!" I read once that the pregnant body at rest, in the first trimester, is working as hard as a non-pregnant body mountain climbing. Even though you don't see any outside reason for physical exertion, there is SO much going on inside the body that is draining the Mom's energy. Hence the reason for the utter exhaustion in pregnancy. body is working so hard on the inside that it sucks all my energy.

We talked about the fact that the Orthopedist I saw the other day recommended I see a surgeon. I have no intention of going that route. Because I know, at the end of the day, this is something that is originating from my tension level. More specifically, my suppressed anger. We talked about different types of medical care I could pursue and I told her I'd already done chiropractic including this accupressure adjustment gun. I told her it didn't really work for me overall because my pain would cycle from one spot to another. Dr would adjust my neck, it would move to my shoulder. Adjust my shoulder, it would move to my back. And so on and so on. T gets the "Ooooooohhhhh!!!" look on her face and starts telling me about:

TMS: Tension Myositis Syndrome. In a nutshell, this is part of mind/body medicine. That there is a definite connection between psychological factors and chronic pain. Particularly, repressed anger finds its way into the body.

This is from another website:
A very consequential characteristic of we human beings is our ability to push things out of consciousness. Most people believe that if we can stop thinking about something, it will stop affecting us. We all have some ability to shift our focus away from something unpleasant.

You yourself may have the inclination to stop paying attention to something that causes you anger or fear. The problem with avoidance is that what you stop paying attention to, doesn't automatically stop paying attention to you. The analogy I would use is that you can close something down in your computer so that you no longer have to look at it on the screen. It's still there, though, hiding in memory. Similarly, emotions can hide in your body.

Some indications that you might be experiencing TMS include:
1. Moist heat relieves the pain for short periods of time
2. The pain Migrates from one place to another.
3. You're in a vicious cycle of fear and pain. (especially since you've become convinced that your body is fragile).
4. You find it more acceptable to have a purely physical problem than an emotionally connected problem.
5. You have muscle tenderness on pressure (trigger points).
6. The pain mainly appears when you are upset or under pressure.
7. You feel trapped in a situation that could make you angry, but you do not feel able to express it directly.
8. Diagnostic testing has not identified a sufficient physical basis for your pain.
9. You have a sense of responsibility and conscientiousness that never quits.
10. Each doctor you visit gives you a different explanation of what the problem is.
11. You hate it when somebody does not like you.
12. You have ongoing pressure in some important area of your life.
13. You have a conflict or extreme ambivialancy about something that just does not get resolved.

Yeah, I pretty much have 11 of the 13. T says that basically my energy, and negative energy at that, is stuck in my body. While I've done much work with her and talked about many, many things.....she says I need to physically start to move that anger out of my body. Punch, hit, kick, scream....whatever works. I said "But what if I don't feel angry?" It seems silly to do anger work when I don't feel like I have any to express. Aaah, isn't that the trickery of the whole mind/body connection? My mind isn't recognizing the anger b/c my body is holding onto it; specifically keeping it away from the mind. T says I need to just breathe and really, honestly let down into it. Find a time/place....get into the mindset of just moving body energy around. She says spend a few minutes every day. Maybe I'll make an emotional connection. Maybe not. Doesn't matter. But just try to get it moving. So there is my homework and I could not be more resistant to it. I told T that I know I need to do this but I really don't want to do this. She says of course you don't because you're going to have to feel something unpleasant. Even if it's just the physical pain of trying to move my chronically sore points, or maybe it will be the action that finally taps the vault of anger. Either way, I'm not really looking forward to it. But I will do it. I make a commitment to do it every day until my next T appointment, which is in 10 days.

Quickly, before my final topic.....I told T about being triggered at the Ortho appt and she asks the most logical question. "Well, did you talk to them about your general anxiety so they would maybe treat you with a little more care?"

Oh. Of course not. WHY on earth would I do that? Why would I potentially inconvenience or burden someone else for my own protection and comfort? Phhhffbbt. Don't be ridiculous!! I don't think I mentioned in the "Trigger" post but, when they layed my down on the table after the standing XRays, I couldn't get my body to go flat to the table. I was so rigid and all my muscles were spasming or involuntarily jerking. T said I was in complete body-defense mode at that point because the entire experience required me to relinquish control which is a huge trigger in itself. She reminds me...."It's okay to set boundaries. To take care of yourself." I know it my head. So why do I freeze up and white-knuckle my way through situations that stress me out just to keep the peace?? Will I ever learn?

And finally.....the last piece of today's very long post. Calling a Spade a Spade.

I talked to T about my "Must Not" situation with KC. I said how I can't really get perspective on it since fathers are such a huge issue for me. I already said I love my T, right? She's so damn point blank with me sometimes and I NEED it!! She says "He's full of shit." She confirms for me what has been swirling in the back of my head and that I didn't want to believe. He's making excuses and avoiding the situation with his youngest DD. I said how when I listen to him talk about her, there is such an appearance of love there, etc. She says "Those are just words." Oh DING of my "Must Haves"....a man who follows up his words with actions. T says she finds this to be a huge red flag and believes it says much about his ability to be responsible and to handle conflict. This is the reason I made these that once I start to get emotionally vested in someone, I have some concrete expectations to fall back on. It's scary how easy it is for me to skirt around the black and white of things sometimes and make excuses for their behavior. Now I have to figure out how to discuss it with KC. *sigh*

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Trigger, Trigger, Triggered!

Had a Dr appt this afternoon that near triggered me into a panic attack. I was in a car accident a few years ago and the court hearing is finally coming up. The other party decided they wanted me to see an independent Orthopedist.

First of all, I was getting antsy b/c they left me in the waiting room for a half hour. Next, I follow the nurse to the exam room and she lays the paper gowns on the table. I say "I'd rather not undress." and she says "Well, you have to because he'll need to see the areas of complaint."

Hmmpfh. First of all....the best way to get me to NOT do something is to tell me I HAVE to do it. It's my defiant streak....what can I say?!?! I was getting extremely agitated thinking about getting naked for this strange Dr. So I decide that I will do what I find comfortable which is to take off my shirt but keep on my bra and pants. I, of course, was already having a "fight" with the Dr in my head....anticipating some big blowout when he came into the room to see I still had pants on. Of course, he didn't care. Worry for naught. He did have to poke and prod various areas. Some not so bad. Others very triggering. Holding my arms down and asking me to push out against his. Hands on my neck which is a huge thing for me. Checking my coccyx (tailbone) which requires rear-end rouching.

Next, he says he'd like to do some XRays. So they send me, still in paper gown (& pants), through the office into an internal waiting room for radiology. There are 5 other people waiting. THEY are all dressed. I'm feeling more and more naked by the moment. I was about to go into a full on PA but I closed my eyes and was able to successfully disconnect from where I was and just breathe myself "off the ledge". Finally, they take me in to do the XRays. I had to remove my bra so I'm feeling even MORE naked. They are not the gentlest of individuals as they try to get you into positions. They are grabbing me and pulling this way and that and keep grabbing my chin or head to move it. I HATE having my face touched. And I HATE anyones hands near my eyes. Pulling on my arms, my hips. The tech misplaced one of the directional markers and was practically feeling me up, running her hands up and down me, in & out of the gown trying to see if it had stuck to me. ACK! After those XRays, then I had to do some more lying down on the table. Again with grabbing my hips, hands, legs. Trying to lie still there was not easy!! I give myself kudos for being able to calm down when I was so anxious. I'm glad that is over.

Monday, June 16, 2008

One of my "Must Not"'s

After I recovered from my last relationship breakup, and as I began to think about re-entering the dating world, I made a list. A series of lists, actually, for what I do and don't want in a future partner.

Part 1 is the Six "Musts" that are immediately assessable. ie: sense of humor, positive energy, etc.
Part 2 is the Six "Musts", "time will tell" version. Things like communication, priorities, follows up words with actions.
Part 3 is the Ten "Very Importants". Things that are not 100% crucial but are....well....very important! Things like past relationship experience, manners, geographic location.
Part 4 is the Six "Must Not"'s. ie: smoke, drugs, abusive, etc
Part 5 is kindof's the Unlimited "Wouldn't it be nice if..."s where you get to list all these things that aren't necessary but it sure would be a bonus if he were.....whatever. Hilarious, wealthy, into the same sport I enjoy, etc.

Let's back up to Part 4. The Must Nots. Understandably, the vast majority of my Must's and Must Not's have been created by the experiences I've had in life. A particularly sensitive entry is that my future man Must Not have children who he is not involved with out of choice. This is born, of course, out of the situation with DD's bio-donor.

I've been talking with a man who lives pretty much on the other side of the country from me. Hence we've not met in person. I'll call him KC. We've been talking for about 2 1/2 months now. I like him. He had an abusive upbringing which always raises my flags but it seems as if he's really processed alot. He's been in therapy for years with full intention of continuing. He's intelligent, self aware, takes responsibility for his actions.

He has three children. His oldest is his son who he hasn't seen in about 5 years. His son is married with a daughter and KC has never met the DIL or granddaughter. Next is his older daughter. These 2 kids, the son & older DD, are from his 1st marriage. There are some massive issues with his older DD and they don't speak. He has a younger daughter from his 2nd marriage. He was in her life when she was a baby and then decided it was best to get out of the picture when the mom remarried. She subsequently divorced and KC has tried to get back into the DD's life.

It's tough to summarize all of this into a short, easy read. Basically, KC was going through life in his pre-counseling state of abuse brain-fog. He was drinking & smoking pot to escape reality. He was a man-whore and a player. He cheated on his wives. He wasn't involved with his children. He was living a life of selfishness and of trying to avoid the pain. I can understand this. I did it for a long time.

What I don't understand is the situation now. He seems to have very distant relationships with the oldest and youngest. And no relationship with the middle. I've asked him about it but I guess I don't feel like I've gotten an answer that satisfies me. I'm not sure what else I want to know, though. I think he feels like he really screwed things up with them through his own actions and now he just accepts that for what it is. Like it's his punishment, or something? He hasn't seen his youngest DD since she was a baby. And she's like 17 now. I'm going to have a very different perspective on this than he does. When I talked to him yesterday, I wished him a Happy Father's Day and asked if his kids had called. No, he said, none of them had called. I asked him if he'd called his son to wish him a Happy 1st Father's Day since he has a baby. He hadn't thought about it and thanked me for reminding him; said maybe he'd do that.

You know, as the daughter of a man who royally f***ed up with his kids, I'd love it if my father went through his own healing process and then pursued me to make amends. I feel like it's a parent's responsibility. I could be wrong. Or actually....I'm not wrong. It's just my opinion. KC's is not wrong's just his opinion. But I'm having trouble navigating how this all fits in with my "Must Not". I mean....he's marginally involved with 2 of his 3 kids. He'd happily welcome a closer relationship with them from what I can see yet he does nothing to foster it. I think he works under the belief that they will come to him if/when they are ready and he accepts that. But he is a logic-driven man. I'm an emotion-driven woman. And one who's been betrayed/abandoned by her father. So I can't possibly see things the same way he does.

I have my yellow flags on this developing friendship. This is a major part of it. I know it's hypocritical but I have concerns about his abused past as well as his prior coping mechanisms. Part of me says it's a major "Pro" that he understands certain things about what I've gone through; that he is in therapy. And yet another part of me recognizes the "Con" of the situation as well. I think I'll try to broach the subject with him tonight.

An interesting observation

About my addiction. Something very interesting I noticed while I was away on vacation: I had no urge to binge. EXCEPT the days my mother was there. Those nights, I was just about climbing the walls with the desire to binge but I had nothing available. She was staying in the bedroom right off the kitchen and had the door open for air (since it was 90 degrees in the house!!). I so wanted to sneak into the kitchen for something to eat but I wasn't going to risk getting "caught". After she left and I relaxed, it was back to no desire to binge. In fact, not even finishing what was on my plate. I could attribute it to the heat but, by then, it had cooled down. Also interestingly, once I got home, I was in full on binge-craving mode. So the answer is that I need to hermit myself up in the woods of NH where I'll never visit family or have to work again? Where do I sign up for this???

Sunday, June 15, 2008

My tribute to Fathers Day:

Let these images be my words. This is how I feel about the "fathers" who have touched my life.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Shutup, Netflix!!!!

And Yahoo. And Hallmark. And gift shops, restaurants, commercials. I KNOW that Father's Day is coming. I realize it. I don't need it blasted in my face every 5 seconds. I don't need a card. I don't need gift ideas. I'm all set with that. I'm fairly sure if I gave any of the gifts I'd like to anyone who flutters around the designation of "father" in my life, I'd end up in jail.

I did something last night. I think I should not have done it. Yet I'm having a hard time saying that for sure. The biggest reason I think it was wrong is because I'm not sure why I did it. What is there to accomplish with it? I'm not sure. I wasn't really thinking about it when I sent it.

Allow me to set the stage.....As you know, if you read my previous post, I was sleep deprived, stressed out, on the verge of heat-stroked! DD had made a father comment earlier in the day. I'd taken a Xanax and then a huge thunderstorm woke me up from an already fitful sleep at 12:30am. What was on the TV when I woke? Some more crap about Father's Day. I was loopy and out of it. And pissed off.

I sent an email to XBF about how my DD still asks for him. I think I was in "misery loves company" mode. It was stupid and impetuous. He hasn't read it yet. I don't anticipate he will reply. I will be so happy when Father's Day is over.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Xanax, Anyone??????

What I didn't include in my last entry was the fact that I was expecting another visitor. I sent J home on Monday morning. My mother arrived Monday afternoon. I started this with her last year. It's something my daughter enjoys. It's something my mother really loves. I get a certain benefit from it as well in different ways.
Is it any coincidence that I had a total laid back, good time with J but as soon as my mother comes, I'm tight, tense, having shoulder/chest pains, trouble sleeping? I was actually nervous to get on the ferry boat this afternoon for the lake cruise b/c I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. For me, that's the biggest component of a panic attack. That heart attack feeling. If I'd had my Xanax with me, I would have taken one. I managed to compose myself with relaxation breathing and a walk around the ship. I'm still feeling very tight.
Last night, I had a dream that had many odd components to it. The part that stood out at me the most was that I was living in a haunted house and every time I tried to put the key in the doorknob, it was sucked into the knob and disappeared. Well, that says alot right there. A haunting, in a dream, symbolizes early traumas, repressed feelings & memories. Can't open the door, being locked out? So, off the bat with her arrival, I was bringing up some demons.
Today on the way to the lake cruise, DD fell asleep and my mother was talking. She was complimenting me on what a great mother I am. I appreciate the critique but doesn't mean much coming from her AND I want to say "It's not that F***ing hard to be a great Mom!!!" Why couldn't she do it, too?? She was talking about kids she sees in the course of her job and how they are so innocent and being "ruined" by horrible parents. She talks about patients she takes care of and how she doesn't put up with them speaking to her abusively. But I guess it was okay for her to let my father treat her that way? And treat me that way? I don't get it. It's no great wonder I need some god damn Xanax tonight.
Someday, I will have the wherewithall to shut her up when she starts down that line of conversation. For now.....I *WISH* my silence would say as much to her as it says to me. But she doesn't get it. And I just don't have the energy to explain to her how utterly clueless and inappropriate she is. I don't really care enough right now. She leaves in the morning. Let the countdown begin........

Monday, June 9, 2008

Holy Crap, it's HOT

Greetings from vacation. Not to start off a vacation post with complaints, but..... Well, the title pretty much says it all. I come to this house the same week (roughly) every year. The first time we came, we needed coats every day and had the fireplaces roaring at night. Last year was ideal....70's in the day, 50's at night. This year....record heatwaves. We arrived Friday night after a rainy, chilly drive. We actually had to turn on the heat at night. But the next day.....high 90's. The following day, we went to the amusement park and when we got back in the car afterwards, my outside temp indicator said 102! 102!!!!!!! Boy did I feel bad for the people working at the park dressed in heavy costumes. Did I mention this house has no air conditioning?? Which is normally a non-issue this time of year. It's not supposed to break til Thurs and we leave Friday morning. *Sigh* Oh well.

Enough of the complaining.....we are having a wonderful time. My BFF "J" came with me on Friday and I sent her home on the train this AM so she could get back to work. We went to the beach, boardwalk, mini-golf and drive in movie on Saturday. Yesterday was the amusement park. Today we did some shopping and spent some time at the beach again. Tomorrow, we're doing a lake cruise and probably mini-golf again since DD loved it so much! She totally missed the "rules" of the game and was having the BEST time just throwing everyones balls around and dropping them into the holes proclaiming "Mommy, I helped you WIN!" Too cute! The nights have been just gorgeous to sit outside and listen to the various sounds of the woods and the lake. Really peaceful.

Guess the bright side of the weather is that I don't much feel like eating! It's just too hot. Except of course when we're out for ice cream and iced Starbucks! :o)

Sunday, June 1, 2008


DOES THAT PRETTY MUCH SAY IT ALL?? *Sigh* It's 1:30am and I'm probably not thinking coherently enough to write something profound. All I know is that I have alot swirling in my head with Father's Day impending. I've been trying to figure out just how to deal with it with my DD. Particularly in regard to daycare and whatever project they are planning to do with the kids. DD is the only child in the daycare from a single parent home. This is such a tenuous time for her with father issues. We're just making some small strides in moving away from calling my XBF "Daddy". I don't want it to all be dredged up through a school project. I notice how she is often triggered in talking about "Daddy" by other kids or being in the presence of another child's father.

I had T yesterday morning and it was one of the things we discussed. T did say she was going to call a friend of hers who is an elementary school psychologist and try to get some feedback. I'm even thinking of asking DD's daycare teachers if I can come in and do a presentation/project with the kids about different kinds of families. I have been perusing the web for good, age appropriate books on the subject. I want to encompass it all....not just single parent homes but also divorced, foster, adoptive, multi-cultural and even same sex parents. All in a very general way, of course. I think it's something beneficial that all the kids should learn about. Once they head off to public school, I think their little bubble of the traditional family will be challenged.
The "boys" of my life have, by and large, been "icky" indeed. When I think about what DD and I both do not have.....well, it makes me sad and angry also. I should have my father, my brother, my grandfather, a husband or at least a co-parent for her. She should have her father (or her daddy), her grandfather, her uncle, her half brother and sister.
My father/Her grandfather: Closed off, verbally, mentally and physically abusive
My brother/Her uncle: nearly a carbon copy of my father, snide, sarcastic, sexual abuser
My bio-grandfather (fathers side): an alcoholic who walked out on his family when my father was 1
My step-grandfather (fathers side): Odd, nervous and secretive man. Nothing happened to me but there were allegations of his inappropriate advances toward young girls.
My grandfather (mothers side): Alcoholic manic depressive who committed suicide when my mother was young.
My ex-husband: I married what I knew....a verbally and physically abusive man, controlling, angry, completely closed off.
Her bio-father: A lying sack of shit who continues to play the victim in this situation, never taking responsibility for the fact that he got himself right where he is. He has other children who would have been her half siblings if he wasn't such a scumbag.
Her Daddy (my XBF): who promised to fill this role for her for a lifetime and then, after 2 1/2 years, realized he didn't want to. He's the only Dad she's ever known and now, 16 months since she's seen him, she still asks about him nearly daily.
Part of this is circumstantial.....I had no control over who my biological relatives were. But all I see in here is one big cycle. One bad choice after another made by people who were blind; who never questioned if there was something better in life. People who never believed they deserved better. I was one of those people for a long time. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore.......
I put this aside for a still doesn't make alot of sense but it's what's on my heart tonight. When I put DD to bed tonight, she made a comment about how it's just me and her who live in our house. I told her that we are a family and I reminded her about different kinds of families. We'd had a playdate with her friend C today so I said C's family is her Mommy, Daddy, C & her sister. DD said "I wish I had a Daddy." All the logic in the world doesn't take away the stab of agony to my heart knowing she longs for something she does not have and it's something I contributed to by my choices and something I can't give to her.