Tuesday, November 24, 2009

This Is A Test

This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency, panic attack would shortly ensue followed by rapid consumption of Effexor, Xanax, Rescue Remedy, other assorted medical sundries and large quantities of ice cream.
All kidding aside....I feel like this IS a test of some of my new skills of staying grounded, staying present and dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
The last time I had to deal with a Child Support issue was in August of 2008. It's been well over a year. I like it that way. I like not having to think about it too much. I do check Bianca's bank account regularly to be sure payments are coming in. For the past 2+ months, payments coming in from her biological father have been less than the ordered amount.
While I detest the thought of resurrecting the case, I have little faith in the system after my experiences with it. I've fought tooth and nail for every small victory. So, while the underpayment isn't huge and even though I don't need that money for day to day living, I can't let it go unchecked for long. Today I called Dept of Child Support Enforcement. I spoke to a representative who saw no reason for the underpayments...no obvious change in employment status or anything. He said 99% of the time when this happens, it's a change in salary which prompts a reduction in child support payments because, by law, the non-custodial parent must be allowed to take home a certain percentage of thier pay. I am familiar with this law and I also assume it's the reason for the reduction but instead of "Oh, I see", or "Okay, thanks", I say "Uh huh...?" as in "I'm now waiting for you to tell me what you're going to do about it.....??" Brief silence as the man waits for me to give any indication that I'm going to accept that answer and go away. Shhyeah....right. He's obviously not dealt with me before. Finally he speaks "So, I'll send a letter to his state in order to prompt an inquiry and find out what's up." Great, thanks.
In the course of conversation, he asks the obvious question...."Are you in contact with the father at all?" I wish. I wish it were that simple. Don't I wish I could just pick up the phone or jot off an email and say "Hey, what's the story?" This brings up all the feelings I have about how I backed into motherhood. It evokes shame in having to admit that I created a life with a man I essentially did not know. It raises the needle on my "Rejection Meter". I must be unlovable for my daughter's father to have nothing to do with us. In times past, I'd probably cave and write him an email, pointlessly hoping that this time would be different. This time, he'd come clean and tell me the truth. This time, he'd ask about his daughter and how she's doing, maybe want to see a picture. Somehow, magically, the email from me would draw out his paternal feelings and he would turn into a standup guy who wanted to do right by his child.
Right now, I'm fighting my anxiety. I do not like to wait. I'm the person who, when the computer is "thinking" with the hourglass, I'm clicking *Enter*Enter*Enter* Click*Click*Click Esc*Esc*Esc* Click*Click*Click....Alt-Ctrl-Delete!!!!! AAAaaagggghhhhh!!!! Waiting is painful for me. So to put this latest inquiry into the hands of overworked strangers who don't give a crap about why he pays me less since he is, after all, still paying me and to know that I will probably wait 6 weeks to even hear that maybe they actually did send a letter to his state after all is tough. To give up my attempts to control, drive or rush resolution gives me angst. The angst is what would generally push me to act hastily and email him. Inevitably, I'd get some BS subpar reply from him which would piss me off even more, send me on some ginormic father tangent and land me on my therapist's couch for an emergency session.
Today, I'm grappling with the discomfort of knowing it's out of my hands. I am living with the unease of knowing I cannot control it. I accept, with difficulty, that he's nothing more than a DNA donor and I cannot ever expect anything different. I am not contacting him. I am not taking responsibility for the lying bastard he turned out to be. I'm not calling myself names because I chose to believe his well-rehearsed lines. I will focus on the utter joy that is my dimpled, smiley little girl.
This is not about me, or anything I did wrong. It's not about my father and how he abused me. It's simply a question about a court ordered financial arrangement. And despite my propensity to snowball one tiny idea into reliving a lifetime of pain and failures, I'll leave it at that one small question. I'll stay grounded. I'll live in the present. And I'll take one giant step forward into my progress.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

You Deserve......

I let alot of things roll off my back these days. I try not to soapbox TOO much, particularly when it comes to citing societal woes. But there has been a repetitive message lately in media that is really irking me. It's the "You Deserve" message.
I have heard it on the radio:
"...get the lifestyle you deserve."
"...logon to our site for the free gas you deserve."
"...the opportunities you deserve."
"...call now for the free laptop you deserve."
"...because you deserve a stress free life...."
"...the banks are getting it, so call now for the bailout that YOU deserve!"
Or in email:
"Get what you deserve of the government stimulus package"
"You deserve to be debt-free!"
(this one is my favorite) "Get the better breasts that you deserve!"
It's so ugly. It's such a displaced idea. Why does anyone "deserve" all these things? And why do we need to continually reinforce the idea that people "deserve" all these great things for nothing? Why do you deserve to be debt free if you've run up all your credit cards and spent irresponsibly beyond your means? Why do you deserve a stress free life when everyone else is stressed? What have you done to deserve that? And better breasts??? Jeeez-Louise!!! Why put the idea in my head that a) there is anything wrong with the ones I've got and b) that I was somehow shortchanged and now I am OWED better than what God gave me!!?!?!
Perhaps it makes me angry because I have worked for "things" and I'm perfectly happy with what I have. If I want something, I know I have to plan and find a way to make it happen. I don't think I just deserve to have it just because. Call me crazy or tell me I'm going too far but I think these messages contribute to delinquency and even to crime. I mean what is theft and robbery if not the ultimate declaration of entitlement? You have something I want and I'm taking it from you.
Perhaps it makes me angry because I think it clouds over the simple things that I believe people, children, are actually deserving of.....Love. Protection. Security. Guidance. The things that set them up to become strong, decent, confident adults and send them into the world with head high and priorities straight.

Friday, November 6, 2009


Okay, I usually stay pretty much on topic but I need to rant for a moment.
What is this a photo of?
A) A 10 year old boy cross dresser with severe scoliosis?
B) A model for plus size clothing?

They are equally ludicrous, right?? But the answer is...........

As a woman who shops plus size, I'm appalled by these models.

(Are elbows really supposed to turn out in that direction??)

(Somebody call Ralph Lauren....they won't have to photoshop this chick....)
Really? All the beautiful women in the world and this is what they choose? Does plus size = stupid? Heck yeah, I'm buyin' that blue shirt in size 6XL so I, too, can appear to have a 16 inch waist!! WooHoo, bring on the Pringles and Twinkies!!! :o)