Soapbox

Okay, I usually stay pretty much on topic but I need to rant for a moment.
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Question:
What is this a photo of?
Answer:
A) A 10 year old boy cross dresser with severe scoliosis?
or
B) A model for plus size clothing?

They are equally ludicrous, right?? But the answer is...........
B!!

As a woman who shops plus size, I'm appalled by these models.

(Are elbows really supposed to turn out in that direction??)

(Somebody call Ralph Lauren....they won't have to photoshop this chick....)

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Really? All the beautiful women in the world and this is what they choose? Does plus size = stupid? Heck yeah, I'm buyin' that blue shirt in size 6XL so I, too, can appear to have a 16 inch waist!! WooHoo, bring on the Pringles and Twinkies!!! :o)

On The Cusp

I feel as if I'm at the brink of some potentially huge things in my life and in my healing. A crossroads, of sorts.

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I have been receiving acupuncture treatments for about 8 weeks now. I sought this avenue in hopes it would help my body energy, my Qi (pronounced Chee), to start moving. It seemed hopelessly stuck and I was holding tremendous tension in a few select areas of my body. I can tell in the short time I've been seeing this Dr that I've had a large improvement. I have had this pain in my shoulder for 10 years and it's been debilitating at times. When I began with this doc, I rated my pain on a 1-10 scale at an 8. Now I rate it at a 3 and there are days I'm pain free. Today he did the official re-evaluation and charted my results against my initial visit. I've had a 40% overall improvement with 13 sessions. Yes, I would say it's working for me! I'm much more in balance. Still not balanced, LOL, but getting better. We've made a plan for the coming 10 weeks which includes my attempting to do some Tai Chi, get more sleep (he gave me a natural sleep aid to help with busy brain nights which I took about 30 minutes ago), and attending a few seminars he gives at his office. Next one is on Trigger Point Stress Reduction....I'm all for that!!

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An interesting point. He measures different meridians of the body. Last time, I had 4 that were "deficient" (below normal level). This time I had only one. It's the bladder meridian. Dr asked if I had back pain or urinary issues. Nope. He delves futher into his materials to see what else can cause such a marked deficiency in this area. "Holding onto the past, inability to let go of old ideas" Bingo!!

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I feel like my primary goal with him is well on it's way. That was getting the Qi to start moving. Now requires some effort from me which will be harder but I know it's worth it. Now we're approaching dealing with my addiction as the next layer of treatment. In his internship, he worked with crack addicts using acupuncture and was moderately successful. If he can have moderate success with crack....surely there is a possibility for him to alleviate my food issues!? Time will tell. Time....and alot of needles in my ears!

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I say I am at a crossroads because, as I heal and change physically, I now face the question of what to do with that emotionally. If I experience emotions and my Qi flows and the feelings are actually being FELT.....now what?? How do I deal with that? Old coping mechanism says "eat. Binge. Stuff those feelings back down where they belong." If my body stops craving food as a means to disocciate and numb out....well then, do I choose to binge anyhow to avoid feeling? Of course the logical answer is NO....but I become scared. When I don't have the urge to binge, I'm frightened and I want to eat just because it's familiar. I know that I need to sit, breathe, relax and deal with the uncomfortable feelings of fear, anxiety, unfamiliarity. Feeling the feelings is still so threatening to me. Why? Really....why?? What do I think I can't deal with at this point? Nothing. Go back to the cause of the deficient bladder meridian.....I'm simply holding onto old thoughts and fears.

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Well, the good news is....I have a T appt in 20 minutes so I'll have more to say about that in a bit!!

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Well....it's really nothing I didn't already know. The thing is that I KNOW the truth in my head. I understand how illogical it is to be "afraid" to change for the better. I know and want all the right, healthy things. So why, why, why is it so difficult to jump over those branches and get to the other side. Unconscious messages, T says. Truly stuck in the unconscious. She said it's such a compelling theory that it fueled a kinetics study. They found that reversal statements helped release the unconscious negative belief. They found that people who made statements of affirmation, without first doing the reversal statement exercise, actually made their condition worse because it essentially pushed the unconscious belief deeper into the psyche. So T gave me a reversal statement to work on which I am to do at least one, hopefully two, cycles of this every day.

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It's never the quick fix, is it? But this is something I struggle with day in, day out.....the things I know in my head vs the things I can't seem to release from my heart. Anything and everything is worth a try to release myself from this prison.

Look In The Mirror

I had to admit to alot tonight. And it kinda sucked. Okay...it really sucked. But I'm glad to know I can be honest with myself when it's really difficult.
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I had a phone session with Susan (T) to discuss the prior post and all my confusing feelings about the situation with JH. Susan asked me what I expected when I made these plans with him and I told her that I expected he would keep his plans with us but, if he found he had to cancel, I expected he would let me know and maybe even take the next step to tell Bianca himself. Susan said that my expectations here were reasonable and JH demonstrated that he could not get out of his own way in this situation. Perhaps he was being naive and didn't think through what the court date would mean to his ability to keep his plans. Clearly he handled it badly in communicating to me what was going on. She said maybe he was even trying to "avoid disappointing" us by not coming out and saying "I can't make it." Man thinking, I guess.
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In any case, I talked about Bianca's disappointment and her emotions and how hard it was for me to help her through that. I was angry at him for bringing this into her world that day. "Hey," Susan says....."first of all, disappointment is a human experience and no one can be protected from it. Second, it's YOUR job to think about Bianca's feelings." Ouch. Susan went on to say that she can't speak for what Bianca is feeling but it's important for ME to work through what I am feeling. What AM I feeling? I don't know what is old and what is new. Susan asked did I feel young when feeling those feelings? If you feel young, the feelings are old. Yes, part of me did feel very young, crushed, dismissed, unimportant. Another part of me just felt "Mama Bear" angry and the rest of me felt stupid for setting this up to begin with.
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She goes on to say "JH is not her father. He's not YOUR father. He's just a man who had a bad day." The issue was not so much he couldn't go but how he went about it. And there has been this huge expectation backloaded into the mix because of the role "assigned" to him, to be her Godfather. But this is a role and title he ASKED for. Here's what it breaks down to....because of the lack of a father figure, giving him this role now symbolizes something huge. And that gives it enormous power. I want it too much. I need to accept what is. Accepting what is for her really starts with accepting what is for me. JH can't do what he thought he could do and I've now created an inconsistency for her with him. He can't be this powerful emotional presence in her life. He's my friend who visits sometimes. I was not realistic. I didn't keep myself grounded in this. My expectations are so high for anyone involved with her. I feel like a complete and total ass for believing this would work out how I wanted. It seems the harder I try to fill this spot in her life, the more I teach her that people can't be counted on. I've done that to her. That's on me. There is a big trust/distrust issue that comes into play for me anytime a man is involved. Old stuff.
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I said to Susan "I see this VOID in her life but the truth is it's MY void and I feel responsible to fill it for her." I guess I don't believe I'm enough for her? You know, I chose this path willingly but naively. I chose to bring her into this world a single Mom. I heard her bio-father's words that he was not going to be involved. Somehow in the back of my head I thought either he would come around or I'd find someone else to be a father for her while she was still a baby. Yes, I chose single motherhood but with a completely unrealistic and idealistic expectation for the future. For someone who has been kicked around as much as I have, I sure have some high-ass, Pollyanna, happy-ending optimism, don't I? I am struggling in accepting what is because it's not what I'd planned. Susan said to me "You have to believe she's going to be okay." Ouch again....I realize now that I *don't* believe she's going to be okay. Because I'm not okay. But by holding onto that, I will make SURE she is not okay. At the very least, I just need to accept that she will have a missing piece but I can't feel guilty for wanting to give her life even though it's not "Perfect". Focus on the joy. I'm dwelling in the pain, it's my pain, not hers but I'm going to project it onto her. Susan says you have to feel it but move through it. Come back to present moment.
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I said it's so hard for me to navigate conversations with Bianca when she talks about missing her Daddy or wishing she had a dad or a grandfather. Susan suggested I just say "I understand" and then distract her. I hate doing that because I don't want to seem dismissive. She said it's okay to validate and move on. I help her work through it by not dwelling on it with her. She gave me a couple more suggestions but said this is too heavy a topic for me and I should not engage with Bianca in a discussion unless it's absolutely necessary and driven by her. Even then, if she's struggling, I should have her see a therapist. (The following exchange was serious, but lighthearted....as I look back on it, I see where it could come across as harsh if I don't explain that. I was laughing and crying at the same time while talking to her.)
Susan said "You have to stay out of her emotional current! Get on dry land....stay out of it! She's not a 'project' for crying out loud!!" She told me to let her live her life and quit seeing the deficit.
I said "But when I look at her, I see ME."
She said "Then quit looking at her and go look in the mirror for heaven's sake!!!"
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Phew....that was an emotionally packed hour. The more I try to make her life "perfect", the worse I screw it up for her. Why can't I just let it be and let her enjoy her life?? By my actions, I keep telling her she's missing something. I tell her I'm not enough; we are not enough. When will I learn my lesson? When will I accept in my heart that things are just as they were meant to be and we have everything we need?? When will I leave my hurts in the past where they belong and quit dragging them into her little world? I feel like such a failure right now. And I can only plead that "Love makes you stupid"....apparently that is true for non-romantic love as well. I love that child so much and I just want her to be happy. But I'm working too hard to make it happen and losing sight of the fact that we have all we need already. I've sure put alot of energy into making a mess of things.

??????????

My head has been reeling for the past 24+ hours.

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I've been friends with "JH" for six years. His life has been through some turmoil the past few. I've always done my best to be supportive on his terms, the way I know he prefers.

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About six months ago, Bianca was going through a rough time with father issues. I reached out to JH, who is a father, for advice. He asked me if he could be more involved in her life. He asked me if he could be her GodFather. I considered it. I told him my concerns and I made him promise me that he would take this seriously b/c I can't have another man in her life to let her down. He promised. And at first he did well. The last time we had plans, about 3 weeks ago, he cancelled on us. He asked if we could make plans for today, going to a huge fair.

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The turmoil I mentioned above involves custody issues with his ex. It's been ugly for sure. He had court yesterday. Apparently it was a bad day in court and he ended up not coming today. He didn't even come out and tell me. He was being cryptic about it and when I asked him to black & white it for me, he didn't respond. I'm sure, in his (Mars) world, he was clear.....but in my (Venus) world, I was confused. I don't do vague.
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I'm struggling with feeling angry at him but not understanding if I have the "right" to. He knew he had court when he suggested these plans. He knows how it goes everytime he sees her in court. He did say this was worse than he expected it to be. Here's where I get muddled. In theory I can understand taking care of yourself & your own needs. But it's not something I often do. So I'm sitting here wondering is he doing something healthy & "normal?" Am I being unreasonable that I expect him to put that aside & keep his promise? That is what I would do. Hard for me to understand making a choice for self over the promise to a child. I would feel different if it was just plans for me and him. (I think)

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Making matters worse Bianca would not express emotion about it at first. She was trying not to show her teary eyes. I was trying to get her to identify how she felt. She got angry & said she didn't feel anything then said she wanted to be alone. I left her alone & she started sobbing. So did I. I went back to her room to show her I was crying too, that it was ok to feel sad and cry. She got onto my lap, hugged me and cried. I'm pissed at him for disappointing my baby. PISSED. And if he felt he had to do it, I wish he would have been man enough to say hey, have her call me in the morning so I can tell her and you don't have to be the one to break the news.

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And I realize the irony in what I said. I'm upset that Bianca feels the need to repress emotions & I'm angry at JH for not repressing his in order to suck it up & go to the fair! I can't make sense of what are my issues & what are the feelings from his actions. Why I'm entitled to feel my feelings but I'm angry with him for how he's acting on his. I don't know what is appropriate for me to share with him about what I'm feeling. And I'm afraid if I tell him I'm angry then he won't be my friend anymore....yeah I know the answer to that last part. I'm feeling vulnerable & I detest it. Feelings. *spit*
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I'm angry at myself for putting faith in him, for encouraging Bianca to have faith in him. I'm angry at him for consciously committing to be the good-influence, male role model in her life and then breaking his word to her. I feel like this is further "evidence" that people can't be trusted. And frankly, the last thing in the world Bianca needs in her life is another man who can't keep his word. I know this steps on the toes of my own father/men issues and the line is very blurry but mostly I am angry about being left to explain it to Bianca and having to make excuses and comfort the disappointment she's feeling at the actions of someone else. I'm disgusted that he would break his word to her......it's incomprehensible to me and I have no idea if those feelings are completely wrong or displaced. It makes me want to run away from him because I'm hurt and I like to run from people who hurt me and never give them the chance again. Except now I've glorified him in my daughter's mind and I'm just really, really ANGRY at myself for doing that. I am embarassed that his promise to me/her means so little. Like it's another stamp of my apparent unlovability. And for some reason I don't understand at all, I feel intense shame when having to tell my mother about this. Not even trying to delve into that part yet.
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I totally want to call him and make him feel guilt. I wanted to send pix messages of Bianca crying or have her call JH and ask why he's not here. Then I feel like a creep & bad selfish friend that I want to kick him when he's feeling down!!! Its very conflicting. I don't understand what to do with any of it.

Balance

Balance: stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis; equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements; equality between the totals of the two sides of an account; physical equilibrium; the ability to retain one's balance
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What is this strange feeling? Relaxation? Yes....but there's more. *Gasp* It's balance. I feel balanced.
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I went for an acupuncture treatment this morning. It was my fourth, if you count the disastrous first experience as a treatment. Which I actually do even though it was not fun. Today....today was better than fun. It verged on magical. It was, dare I say, spiritual. I'm happy to say that I respond really well to acupuncture. So fast that even the Dr is impressed! He put my needles in, felt my pulse and said one was strong and another weak. Asked if I would mind one more needle. Nope, no problem...make me into a porcupine if you want!! He pops the needle in and immediately feels my pulse again and it's already balanced out! He turns down the lights and leaves me for 20 minutes of zen-bliss!!
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I felt so in touch, so aware yet so peaceful and relaxed at the same time. I, again, had the odd sensations of being "crooked." This time was really strange because my head felt like it was bent as far to the side as it could go yet I could not tell which side it felt bent toward! The longer I was there, the deeper my relaxation. By the time the session was over, I was on the verge of nodding off but I felt like a new woman! It really did take me a few minutes to recognize that the subsequent feeling was balance. I don't often (err umm EVER) feel balanced. Wow, what a lovely feeling!
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After the session, I grabbed some Starbucks and had a 45 minute drive to think. My BFF, Jennie, has undergone some major progress in her emotional health lately. I'm going to admit that there is part of me that is a little envious of that. Last weekend something happened to her that she was happy about and I did not think it was as great as she did. I realized I've been almost hovering around waiting for some sort of "fallout" on her part. Waiting there to pick up the pieces because that's been one of my roles in her life for a long time. It has gotten better over time and I'd say we've reached a point in the past year or so where it's not totally unhealthy but today I was able to see that there is still an element of codependency there for me. When I'm helping her pick up the pieces of her life, I don't have to think about my own. When she is the one emoting all her fears, frustrations, disappointments there is no room for me to consider my own. I get to fix hers instead. Now that she seems to be really pulling herself together, I think about how that changes our "dance" and how it affects my world. Will I now be the "unstable" one? Will the pressure now be on me to do all the feeling, crying, venting, leaning? Yikes.
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On the other hand, I find myself really inspired by her progress and it makes me excited to do my own work. She could not have had a happier childhood or more loving parents. Sure they made their mistakes by virtue of being very young when they had her. But they are wonderful people. Our backgrounds are polar opposite so how we ended up with some of the same insecurities is a mystery that makes us both laugh! In any case, I've always taken the role of "big sis" or the "stronger" one. Now I see where she is and I feel that shifting. The prospect of now being the "weaker" one, and leaning on her for help or guidance, is not just unfamiliar.....it's dreadful. I'm not sure how I'm adapting to that. For me, and I'm sure many of you will relate to this, my "strength" is nothing more than my mask. It's nothing more than the sheer force of my determination not to let my feelings get the better of me. Not to be vulnerable. My strength is really my biggest weakness. The strongest, bravest thing I can do is to fall apart and let go. I feel like I'm being challenged....whether it's out of inspiration or competitiveness is another question. I'm not so sure it matters, though, as long as I get to where I need to be. As I proofread this, the thought occurs to me that I don't know why I need to think of us in terms of stronger/weaker instead of just equal individuals with each our own set of traits. I'm going to focus on that! And on the fact that I have her, and a few other "safe" friends who I know I can let down my guard with and not be judged.
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I haven't seen my T in a few weeks. Since Bianca started school and sports it's been tough to find a mutually agreeable time. I feel in need of her perspective. With the support of acupuncture and getting back into a regular schedule with her, I feel ready to come off my Effexor. I'm hoping to use one of the long holiday weekends to finish that process which means I'll need to start weaning in the next month or two. Which means I have to see my GP Dr. Which means I have to face medical issues I've been avoiding with her. Which means I want to find out when the acupuncture doc will be able to start working on addiction points (those are in the ears....not sure how I feel about needles in my ears!!). It's all tied up in a cyclical pattern which on any other given day could make me crazy and not want to deal with any of it. But I told myself this AM I will not let anything disturb my balance today. So I'm going to remember to breathe deeply and deal with it. One. Step. At. A. Time.

The Well is Empty

So....I survived Thursday and Bianca's first day. I cried for hours after dropping her off. Not just cried, like shedding tears. I sobbed. Wailing sobs. For hours.
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This is not something that is typical of me. At All. I generally reserve my emotions and cut off or stifle tears as quickly and rigidly as possible. This was beyond control. First of all, the last few weeks have been full of anxiety in preparation for that day. We had a long day on Weds. I barely slept Weds night because I was anxious and I was starting to get sick. All my strengths were down. As I wrote about in my previous post, dropping Bianca off at Kindergarten triggered me in all kinds of ways and the tears that ensued were a deep release of old, tightly bottled pain. I couldn't eat anything that morning. I was feeling pretty weak and run down when I headed off to my first acupuncture appointment.
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I assumed this was good timing for acupuncture. I felt like I was in a relaxed state after all that had happened so it would follow naturally I'd continue to be relaxed through the appointment. I was very excited for my first experience and to see what it was like. I was also excited for the 20 minutes in a dark room to reach a deep state of relaxation. So my Dr. comes in and explains the process. He tells me he is going to start easy with just a few points and work more on some of my peripheral issues as opposed to jumping into core issues. We're really laying a groundwork at the moment. So I feel a tap on my head like center of the forehead but above the hairline. He asks me how that was and I tell him I felt nothing but a tap. Excellent!! I've mentioned before that I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot. He squeezes a point on my right wrist, tells me to move my left shoulder & how does it feel? Sore, as always. Okay, squeezes another point on my right wrist, now how does the left shoulder feel? Ummmmm....it feels....good?!? So he pops me with a needle in that spot. Proceeds to put in a few more in each wrist/hand and a few more in my lower legs. Only one point "hurt" and I use that for lack of a better word. It was more just like I was aware of an unfamiliar sensation in that spot. Funny to note that, hours later, that spot was madly itchy!
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Anyway, he takes off my glasses and puts them somewhere on the counter. He turns down the lights to almost nil and tells me to relax, take a nap if I want. I need to "cook" for 20 minutes. So I'm laying there and sensations start abounding. I feel sort of floaty, spinny sensations. I feel "crooked" like my body is in a zigzag pattern. That has happened to me before with body energy work. Next I start to feel like the inside of my chest is cold, like I have a Vicks VapoRub under my skin! Aaaand then I start to feel a little clammy and unpleasant. I lay there, I breathe. Oh boy.....not good. Trying not to disturb the needles, I get up from the table and try to find my glasses which....you know...without them on, I can't see where they are! I feel my way over to the door and poke my head out with a meek "Excuse me??" The Dr comes running and I tell him I am feeling very nauseous. I ask him if he can pop another needle somewhere to help alleviate that and he says "I think we're past that point already" and tells me I don't look so good. He takes all the needles out, asks me if I want some water and I say no, I'm going to be sick. Holy moly......I was violently sick. VI-O-LENT!! When done, I am clinging to his sink, sweating, shaking. He asks if I want to sit down on the table. I say "No" and collapse on the floor. He and his assistant help me get my bearings and I lay down on the table. I ask "How many times has that happened??" None....of course. I'm the first in his seven years of practice. Excellent....love being a trendsetter!
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He said he knows I felt "relaxed" when I came in but in actuality, I was running on fumes. The well is Empty!! He pointed out I had not slept, I had not eaten and I'd had a massive "emotional purge" that morning. He said I was really functioning on adrenaline alone. When he tapped into my relaxation core and some digestive points, my blood sugar plummeted which he believes was responsible for the vomiting and hence a physical purge as well. He said the good news is that now we know you are highly receptive to acupuncture. Perhaps a little TOO receptive!! So they gave me some juice and had me hang out for a while before they would let me drive. I was supposed to go straight from there to pick up Bianca but I decided to take some self care, me-time. I went to Panera and got a bowl of soup and recuped. I go back on Tuesday morning for session #2 and, this time, someone is staying in the room with me!!!!
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Ending on a bright note, I went to pick up Bianca at the after school program and she didn't want to leave! She made a friend who happens to live right in our complex and really enjoyed herself. We were both exhausted last night and fell asleep on the couch together at 7pm! Dropoff this morning was easier on me, for sure. She was a little clingy but no tears. I can't wait to see her later and hear all about her day. And looking forward to a long weekend.

1st Day of School: Major Triggers

I am feeling a lifetime of emotional pain today. I feel like I abandoned my baby and it's triggering me in fully unexpected and excruciating ways.

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Bianca has been pretty vocal about not wanting to start Kindergarten. Her 5th birthday was last week and she cried much of the day that she didn't want to be 5. She doesn't want to go to Kindergarten, doesn't like Kindergarten, doesn't like new friends, etc, etc, etc. Yesterday we took a day off for "Mommy/Bianca Fun Day" which was really nice. I was pushing the subject of Kindergarten pretty hard for a while but decided to back off in the last week or so. Yesterday, she mentioned something about starting K and I said "I'm so excited for you" to which she solemnly replied "I'm not."

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She was the same this morning. Didn't want to go. I tried to keep things light and positive, as well as just matter-of-fact in an empathetic way. I hear and understand what you're saying....we'll get through this and we'll both be okay! We read The Kissing Hand last night and gave each other heart stickers from the book this morning to signify that our love stays with one another all day even when we're apart. Things were a little muddled this AM. I had to run out & grab her a notebook before school. Weren't sure where we were going or what the time schedule was. Eventually we made our way over to her classroom. I was pleased to see her teacher was the same woman who did her evaluation in the spring. She seems very nice. I also met the two TA's. Bianca actually, though somewhat clingy, did much better than I expected. She definitely likes the classroom. There is alot to see and do and she was playing with some of the things and exploring. Several times, she said she didn't want me to leave. She was holding onto me but not crying. I, on the other hand, had to take many, many extra pictures of her (not exactly a hardship) in order to hide my tears behind the camera so she would not see me!!

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Once pledge of allegiance and morning announcements were over, it was time for parents to leave and kids to start class. I hugged & kissed her, kissed her Kissing Hand heart sticker, told her I loved her and would see her later, have a great day and I bolted from the room, not looking back. I have no idea if she was crying or how she felt. I cried all the way to the car, garnishing a few encouraging words from other parents along the way, got into my car and just sobbed. Sobbed. Sobbed. I called my friend for support and she was trying valiantly to calm me down. I was able to verbalize that I didn't need reason. I can do the calm rationale by myself. It's emotions that I don't do well and I really just needed to let them out. I was spewing all kinds of nonsensical hysteria when it came to the surface......I feel like I abandoned her. I ran out on her when she needed or wanted me. Triggers, triggers, triggers. Old stuff, old stuff, old stuff.

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In my head, I know I did the right thing. The quick exit is the only way to go to not prolong the agony. In my heart, I feel like I just ran out on my baby when she needed me and I'm leaving her to fend for herself in a scary new world. In about 30 minutes, she's going to have to transition to the after school program where she will get onto a bus full of people she doesn't know and go to another new place, with another set of new kids. And I won't even be there to walk her in and help her get set up. She just turned 5 for heaven's sake!! I know, in my head, this is all age appropriate independence, and that there are wonderful people around her to assist her, but I can't help but worry she will feel like I ran out on her. That I am not there for her. Or like she's being forced to grow up too fast and take care of her own needs. I don't want to shelter her but I want to be there for her. And I feel like I'm not. Which triggers me in all my old stuff. I *SO* did not expect this feeling. It's bringing up my own abandonment issues, remembering that I was expected to be a pint-sized adult and deal with my own problems. Remembering that my parents were not there for me when I needed help or protection. I know I need to sort my issues away from her situation or else I will make this harder on her than it needs to be. I did not in any way anticipate this kind of reaction on my part. Oh the joy of PTSD. (spit)

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I am supposed to be working from home but I'm a freaking mess. I am going for my first acupuncture appointment in about 9o minutes. I'm hoping that will help me relax. And, oh how convenient, the acupuncture center is about 5 minutes up the road from Bianca's after school program. So I will be picking her up early today and probably smothering her (or cracking a few ribs) with ginormous hugs and kisses. I seriously need to pull my shit together before then because I'm still crying like a loon. The love for this child is suffocating, entirely overwhelming and all-consuming. She is my world and I just so want for her to be happy and enjoy her childhood. It's a horrible and out-of-control feeling right now wondering what is happening and how she's doing. Wondering if she's crying, scared, missing me? I know, I know, I know that she will be alright in the end. And I know I can't protect her from life. And I know she is not me and her circumstances, feelings and fears are not the same as mine were.

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I'm in agony right now. I recognize that it's primarily pain for me. For the 5 year old in me who wonders why she wasn't good enough or loved enough to be protected.