So the following (minus the answers to the questions) was written on April 6th....clearly I've been avoiding the topic.
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Previously, I had a situation with my friend "D" that I posted about here. The following night, he called, knowing I was out at choir rehearsal, and left a message on my voicemail that said "I wanted to call and apologize about last night but I was in a bad mood and you were being whiney. I wasn't in the mood to deal with whining. Could've handled it better, should've handled it better so I'm sorry." Frankly, not an apology in my book when it pretty much says "You were being a pain in the ass so I was forced to hang up to not deal with you."
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The night after that, I talked to Susan about it. She basically said that my wanting to just shut the door on the situation is not about me wanting to avoid D. It's about wanting to avoid me and whatever feelings and questions have to be dealt with now. I was most irritated with the situation because it did bring to mind many questions about me/us/the point of the friendship.....questions I had no intention of answering if I didn't have to. And I've not done anything since I talked to Susan.
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So, before I go to bed tonight, I'm going to pose some questions to myself that I will come back and answer hopefully tomorrow. (or a week later.....)
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1. What have I been gaining from my friendship with D? I gain a certain type of non-threatening companionship. As much as I say I hate "fluff" relationships, it's sort of what I have with D. We talk about great topics...politics, news, world events & history. We talk about day to day stuff. But we never really delve into huge emotional issues. He doesn't know alot of my past, struggles, family issues. He's someone I call at the end of my day, after Bianca is in bed, and I shoot the breeze with him. We laugh, we solve the worlds problems, we talk about movies or silly things. And he's 3000 miles away. No risk.
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2. What is his honest role in my life? I would have to honestly admit that I've slotted him into this sortof pseudo-boyfriend role where I talk to him nearly every night. I know he has developed feelings for me and I hate to say that while I don't reciprocate those feelings, I don't do enough to make it clear to him that I don't feel the same as he. Yes, I say it sometimes that we're just friends but, by my actions, I'm sure I'm sending a different message because it serves my purpose.
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3. What is it that prevented me from wanting to go any further with him? I don't understand enough about relationships and love at this point to know how a healthy relationship develops but I can say with a fair amount of certainty he's not the "right" person for me. Some things that happened the first time around gave me an indication that he's not in the right place for me to consider him as a potential partner. For one, when we first started talking, he ran right up into the clouds and told me he wanted to marry me and adopt Bianca. This was within a few weeks of starting to talk and having never met in person. He told me he didn't need to meet me to know he loved me. And there was the whole debacle with him hanging up on me the first time around as well as this time, which is what prompted me to stop talking to him again. I don't think I'm ready for any relationship right now but having D kind of fulfills a certain desire to have a relationship of sorts without any of the complications that go with a real relationship. Now that a "complication" has arisen, I don't even want to deal with it. As if it's intruded on my good time.
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4. Is my friendship with him benefitting me in any real and healthy way? Well, I'd have to say that the unhealthy aspect outweighs the rest. I can't say it's not healthy to have someone to talk to and laugh with. But it's become increasingly obvious that keeping him in the position I have is really serving to keep me from dealing with my feelings about starting a real relationship &/or facing whatever my fears are about just being alone. Re-reading this....I don't think it's fear of being alone. I think it's just feeling lonely for friendship.
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5. Was I waiting for a reason to jump on ending our friendship or is this justified? Hmm, I ask good questions! He was planning to come visit in May and I wasn't looking forward to that in the least. In fact, I was downright dreading it and looking for a way out. Why? I didn't want my "pseudo" crashing into my real life. So perhaps I was looking for a reason to end our friendship but that doesn't mean it's not justified. I don't think that D's action were so egregious that they warrant an end to our friendship. But I think the conclusions I've come to since then tell me that, for my own sake, this is justified. I don't think it's good for me anymore.
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6. Why do I want to run away from the situation and is it healthy for me to do that? My first instinct is to delete this question and pretend I didn't ask it of myself. That leads me to believe I'm touching on something important that I don't want to face. I think I'm feeling stupid or guilty, maybe both. I realize that I made some mistake with D. I admit that I've used him to an extent without being honest about my intentions. Maybe this is some sort of shame about not handling something perfectly and about possibly causing a degree of hurt to someone else out of my own selfishness.
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7. Explore my feelings that I "owe" him some sort of explanation or closure. What is that about? This is the old theme of other people's feelings being more important than my own. I do feel like I owe him an explanation. I'm also projecting my own feelings of rejection and worrying that I need to somehow find a way to soften this into being my fault for his sake. In honesty, I'm not sure what to do at this point and so I'll move onto the next question since it segues from this one.....
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8. What now, as far as he's concerned? I'm looking for feedback on this one, really. Do I call him and offer an explanation? What if being honest with him is more revealing than I'm willing to be? Do I call and offer a vague explanation? Or do I just leave it alone and never speak to him again? Neither feels right. I could email as a middle ground but that feels too impersonal and cop-out. The thing is that I don't want to face his questions if I call him to offer an explanation. And at this point, I know he will be bitter. I don't want to deal with that either.
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And the "bonus material" question:
9. Why the overwhelming urge to email Tom since I saw him in the ER? What is that about? This actually proved to be the easiest question to answer. I was giving it thought last night as I was driving home because I was, again, feeling like I really wanted to reach out to him. Oh yeah....this is some serious projection of my father issues. When I broke it down and asked myself what I would really want the outcome to be.....I'm looking for Tom to feel bad for hurting me. I want him to be sorry and to tell me. I want to keep interjecting myself into his life until he finally realizes how his issues and his rejection tore my life apart. I want to keep giving him an opportunity to figure that out and to apologize to me. The logical side of me is well aware that it's been 2 years since we broke up and he's long since over it. It's me who keeps holding on and looking for a resolution I'm never going to get. And in the bigger picture....it's been a lifetime waiting for my father to figure out the error of his ways. So, I realize what it is....but how do I let that go? How do I find a way to resolve it within myself? And, um...if there is a way to accomplish that without feeling things or doing inner child work, I'd be most grateful. :o)
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