Denial

As they say, it ain't just a river in Egypt.

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This is a continuation of the prior post about my Mom. Last night she came over for dinner and I decided to bring up the fact that she had my brother spend the night. I just wanted to find out where her head is about him. After what happened over the summer (the link to the backstory in my prior post), I wanted to know how she went from there to here.

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Well, it was about as disappointing as could possibly be. After Bianca went to bed, I told her I was surprised about Jeff staying at her house. She said oh it was only for a night because he'd had some big blowup with his girlfriend. She went on to say she's so excited for him getting this cute little place of his own. I said well, I just mean after all the stuff that happened over the summer, I was surprised. I asked her where she was with all that. She thought I meant about him cheating on his wife and started saying how that was bad. I said no, that's not what I mean. I mean the big epiphany you had about what kind of person he is...where are you with that? She said well, I'm not sure he's always telling the 100% truth. And I think what he did (meaning to his wife) was awful. He didn't even say he felt bad about that or anything. She totally changed the focus to that situation. And then she said "Do I think people can change?" and trailed off after that. I waited a second and then said firmly "I don't know, DO you think people can change?" And then she went to wash my dishes and didn't answer me. (She cleans when she's upset or nervous)
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As she did that, I sat with my laptop playing a game and trying to hold back tears. I realized that when she had that big epiphany over the summer, I felt validated in what my experience of my brother has been for 40 years. And now I feel she's forgotten that and taken it away from me. When she told me about her revelation, she said how sorry she was that she didn't see it before because she began to acknowledge all the pain he'd put me through and how her inability to see him clearly contributed to that. I didn't realize until later (you know, as I was laying in bed unable to sleep because I could not stop thinking about this....), that when she recognized my brother for what he is, for the very first time in my life, I felt like she met me in reality. She has lived in the denial bubble for so long. And her coming to grips with the truth knocked down a wall that has existed between us for years. Now she's back in her bubble and I feel like I need to put that wall up again.

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The fact that she was stuck on the cheating on his wife situation, which frankly I could not give a rat's rear about, reminded me how when I told her about the abuse she could only acknowledge what my father did, never able to face any fact about what my brother did. She has selective hearing or memory when it comes to this.

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"Hey Mom....brother abused me."

"Yes, your father was horrible to you."

"No Mom, brother raped me."

"I'm so sorry your father was such a monster..."

{{Insert banging head against wall here}}

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It's like giving your support to someone who decides to leave an abusive relationship, helping them make sense of it, giving of yourself to help them cope with it and then they decide screw it....I'm going back to the SOB, conveniently forgetting all the reasons they left in the first place. And I'm standing here thinking WTF just happened? What was that all about? And how the hell, after having so much evidence shoved in your face that you could no longer deny that brother is nothing but a manipulative liar, do you manage to put it all back out of your head? Like it never even happened? I guess she's just found the way to retreat back to her bubble where it's safe and comfy. I can't say that there are days I don't miss "safe & comfy" in the land of denial but I'll take reality, no matter how much it sucks, anyway.

What Does This Mean To Me?

The backstory for this post is here.
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It's funny as I read that prior post myself....I see I ended it by saying "I'm not sure what to think about it yet." And here with the latest twist in the story, I'm in the exact same place. I'm not sure what to think about it.
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In fact, I'm not sure I ever really processed the incidents of the prior post on an emotional level. I'm not sure there was anything even there to process? That sounds wrong....I have to think there WAS. In any case.... I called my Mom on Saturday AM to ask her a baking question. I'm a good cook but Mom's my guru! She sounded distracted so I asked her was she busy? "No," she says "your brother spent the night and *waaah*waaah*waaah*waaah*" (Insert sound of Charlie Brown's teacher here because it's all I heard after that)
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Huh?? I managed to gather a couple things in my haze. Something about changing apartments and had nowhere to stay for a night so she had him stay with her. She sounded all bubbly about some changes in his life and I was just silent. "Okay, thanks for the baking advice....talk to you later."
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Now, I was skeptical when she said it was the end of all contact with him before. And I know she's seen him a few times since that all happened. I don't know...this was different. All that talk about everything out of his mouth being BS and he's nothing but a manipulative, pathological liar and now he's a houseguest? I called my friend Jennie after I got off the phone with my Mom...I just wanted to talk it out. Jennie responded with some thoughts about my mother and why she did what she did. Correct thoughts. Hey, I know my Mom better than anyone and it's not hard to figure out why she did it. In fact, I don't really care at the moment. What I'm concerned about it what it means to ME. How do I feel about it?
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In the end, I think I just feel a little confused. I mean, I'd accepted that my mother was never going to see my brother for who and what he was and I was able to move past that and love her for who she was in spite of it. That all happened before her revelation. So why now do I feel like this should change something? Do I feel betrayed? No, I don't. I think maybe it's disappointment? Hmmm...as I sit here with my thoughts, I actually think I feel threatened. I am feeling like I need to protect myself from involvement with my Mom if she's going to be close with my brother again and forget what he really is. Even though I was able to accept her relationship with him before, I think I've let my guard down bit by bit and let her closer to me since her realization about my brother. You'd think I'd be more in touch with the feeling of needing to protect myself....I've lived with it forever.

Authority Figures

I've been at my job for almost five years now. I enjoy a good relationship with my boss, the owner. For a while now, I'll admit I've had a rough time staying focused on my job. Part of it is the job itself, feeling overwhelmed at times by the myriad of responsibilities I have or feeling pulled in different directions by conflicting projects. More of the problem, however, is me and how I deal with these stressful situations. I put my head in the sand and I engage in totally unproductive things like Facebook or blogging. It's a snowball effect.....when I'm behind, I turn a blind eye which makes me more behind and then I really can't deal with it at all.

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A couple posts ago, I mentioned that I finally gathered my focus and decided to stop goofing off at work. I need to be responsible to my job. I got through one incredibly productive day of that before health issues threw me a curve ball. At that time, it came to light that I'd made a mistake on a very important account. Like, a close personal friend of the bosses. And he got involved. I was beside myself. I felt shamed, depressed, stupid, guilty, exposed, worthless. Boss was definitely not pleased with what happened. And I have to deal with the ramifications of what I did.

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Feeling guilty was probably justified. But I was hysterical...crying, fearful for my job. I was so wrapped up in reading into every word he did, or did not, say to me for the rest of the week. Mind you, I was home and so any correspondence we had was through email. *Gasp* I can just "hear" his disgusted tone in this email. He hates me. *Gasp* He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling! He has no more use for me. I've fallen from favor and things will never be the same. I've disappointed him. He has realized I'm a fraud and I'm a lousy employee. I deserve his disdain. I am no good.

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Old messages. Old tapes. Old feelings. Authority figures tie into father issues for me. At least, authority figures whose opinions I value. (Which is funny because I really believe I don't at all care about my father's opinion of me...) And I really value this bosses confidence in me. So I was crushed when I felt I'd let him down. I was every bit as concerned with that as I was with my actual poor job performance. But the emotional reaction to the situation with my boss was extreme. So extreme that it was easy to recognize I was triggered in old feelings.

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I went back to work last Monday. My office is off the side of the lobby so you can kindof see me when entering though the front door. Boss came in and walked right by my office without a glance or a word. I was an emotional wreck. He hates me, he hates me!!! I emailed him shortly thereafter to let him know all loose ends of the previous mistake had been wrapped up and it was put to bed. I took the opportunity to apologize for what had happened. He replied and said there was no need to apologize, mistakes happen all the time, asked how I was feeling and when I'd be back in the office!?! How crazy I got thinking he was ignoring me when he walked in.....he just didn't even realize I was there!! So I went down to his office and his same old smile to see me and the look & words of concern about me coming back too soon told me that all this drama was self created.

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It also tells me that I still have old messages to overcome and still have father issues unresolved. Time to get back in with my T, I think.