I've been at my job for almost five years now. I enjoy a good relationship with my boss, the owner. For a while now, I'll admit I've had a rough time staying focused on my job. Part of it is the job itself, feeling overwhelmed at times by the myriad of responsibilities I have or feeling pulled in different directions by conflicting projects. More of the problem, however, is me and how I deal with these stressful situations. I put my head in the sand and I engage in totally unproductive things like Facebook or blogging. It's a snowball effect.....when I'm behind, I turn a blind eye which makes me more behind and then I really can't deal with it at all.
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A couple posts ago, I mentioned that I finally gathered my focus and decided to stop goofing off at work. I need to be responsible to my job. I got through one incredibly productive day of that before health issues threw me a curve ball. At that time, it came to light that I'd made a mistake on a very important account. Like, a close personal friend of the bosses. And he got involved. I was beside myself. I felt shamed, depressed, stupid, guilty, exposed, worthless. Boss was definitely not pleased with what happened. And I have to deal with the ramifications of what I did.
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Feeling guilty was probably justified. But I was hysterical...crying, fearful for my job. I was so wrapped up in reading into every word he did, or did not, say to me for the rest of the week. Mind you, I was home and so any correspondence we had was through email. *Gasp* I can just "hear" his disgusted tone in this email. He hates me. *Gasp* He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling! He has no more use for me. I've fallen from favor and things will never be the same. I've disappointed him. He has realized I'm a fraud and I'm a lousy employee. I deserve his disdain. I am no good.
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Old messages. Old tapes. Old feelings. Authority figures tie into father issues for me. At least, authority figures whose opinions I value. (Which is funny because I really believe I don't at all care about my father's opinion of me...) And I really value this bosses confidence in me. So I was crushed when I felt I'd let him down. I was every bit as concerned with that as I was with my actual poor job performance. But the emotional reaction to the situation with my boss was extreme. So extreme that it was easy to recognize I was triggered in old feelings.
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I went back to work last Monday. My office is off the side of the lobby so you can kindof see me when entering though the front door. Boss came in and walked right by my office without a glance or a word. I was an emotional wreck. He hates me, he hates me!!! I emailed him shortly thereafter to let him know all loose ends of the previous mistake had been wrapped up and it was put to bed. I took the opportunity to apologize for what had happened. He replied and said there was no need to apologize, mistakes happen all the time, asked how I was feeling and when I'd be back in the office!?! How crazy I got thinking he was ignoring me when he walked in.....he just didn't even realize I was there!! So I went down to his office and his same old smile to see me and the look & words of concern about me coming back too soon told me that all this drama was self created.
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It also tells me that I still have old messages to overcome and still have father issues unresolved. Time to get back in with my T, I think.
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