aka the DNA Donor I called "Dad",
As far as I'm concerned, this will be my final letter to you. In a recent exercise, I constructed the father of my dreams and I said goodbye to him. I believe that holding onto the desire for that father to someday be part of my life is what has kept me attempting to reach out to you. Hoping that one word I say would suddenly change everything. Hoping to change your mind and motivating you to be the father I needed.
This is a note I took in a T session some time ago and it's amazing how it continues to resurface in my life: Inherent in all of what I said to T is this deep down belief that [person in question] is capable of what I want from him/her and somehow holding it back from me. These are my illusions. That I'm not what I need to be in order to get from her/him what I want. That I need to somehow find the key to unlock her/him into being what I need. It's a carry over from the childhood abuse that taught me to assume responsibility. It can't be her/him....s/he is my parent/friend/significant other. IT MUST BE ME. This is something I need to let go of. I need to stop believing s/he is capable of more than what s/he is giving me because that is where I'm getting caught up and being disappointed.
Isn't that something.....this is the first time I've put that together to realize I do it with you and not just with Mom. But that was the whole point of this exercise. And it was the whole reason I've been afraid to just shut the door on my relationship with you. To stop trying. It was the dreaded "what-if?" What if one more letter makes all the difference? Because I held onto hope that I would someday get the timing just right, reach out to you at a receptive moment and say just the right magical words to transform your heart into being the caring, loving father you should have been. Well, fuck that.
You are who you are, who you have always been as long as I've known you. You're abusive, childish, immature, hurtful, hateful, prejudice, condescending, snide, cold hearted, selfish, closed off, sarcastic, controlling, unloving. Your arrogance and pompous attitude thinly veil your true personality which is broken, scared, insecure and damaged. I'm not going to empathize with that to my own detriment anymore. Things happened to you. Things happened to me, too. But I didn't end up like you. Because I took responsibility for my own life and made it better. You live in your own world and you can stay there. You can die, waste away and decompose there. Bastard.
You have robbed me of enough. I am SO DONE waiting for the day you realize what you've lost. I have lost enough to you. And I take back any energy I ever used to spend wishing on you to be who I needed. You are not that man. You never were that man. You are incapable of ever being that man. You're nothing but a horrid shell of a human being, rotting from the inside out. A complete waste of space. You are not worth my time and my energy. I am free from you. You cannot touch me, cannot hurt me ever again.
Showing posts with label closure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label closure. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
The Childhood of my Reality
I had a really good cry last night after I posted the Dear Daddy letter. I typed most of it with my eyes shut and tried not to go back and correct much more than typos. I noticed alot of run on sentences which I actually thought was good.....the thoughts were flowing very quickly. I feel like "my Dad" has died. And I suppose that was the entire point of the letter. Obviously, I don't know what will really happen when my bio-father dies but I have this feeling of peace right now that when he does die, I will have already grieved for what I never got from him. And it will be far less traumatic. I realize he is nothing but a shell, a figure of my past. A DNA donor. I don't have to try to reach out to him again because I accept that who he is, and who I want him to be, are two completely different people. I will continue to work on mourning that loss whenever I feel it come up.
The father of my reality is a sick, damaged, dark, depressed man. I hate remembering or admitting that we had some good times together but we did. I remember when our dog had 5 puppies, playing with him and the puppies. I can see him sitting on the ground with the puppies running and jumping all over him.
Times we had company over. He was a totally different man in front of other people. I wouldn't have minded that guy as my Dad. He was pretty damn charming.
The letter he wrote me on my 16th birthday telling me that I would always be his little girl, his "babe", and the necklace he gave me with it. If only his actions had ever once backed up those words.....
More prevalent are the memories like these:
"I liked you fine til you started talking"
When I broke my collarbone and he grabbed me by the arm, flinging me around, and proclaimed it was not broken.
His contribution to raising me when he told me my breath stunk and tried to teach me how to use Listerine at 10 years old.
Threatening to cut off my hair if I didn't stop with a nervous head-shaking twitch
Humiliating me in front of my friends
Throwing me down the stairs b/c I left a plate on the counter
Ruining holidays with his temper, sarcasm and silent brooding
Walking on eggshells around him at all times
Him drop kicking my cat off the back porch because she was meowing to go out
The inane morning competitions to get into the bathroom
Of course, the way he reacted to the abuse by yelling at me and forcing me to admit it was a lie
His hateful accusations of my being a whore
I'm sure I could go on and on with these but there really is no point. I searched online for an image to sum up the way I feel about him and his influence on my childhood and life but I could not find one. So, with the very patient cooperation of my DD, I made this one which says it all:
The father of my reality is a sick, damaged, dark, depressed man. I hate remembering or admitting that we had some good times together but we did. I remember when our dog had 5 puppies, playing with him and the puppies. I can see him sitting on the ground with the puppies running and jumping all over him.
Times we had company over. He was a totally different man in front of other people. I wouldn't have minded that guy as my Dad. He was pretty damn charming.
The letter he wrote me on my 16th birthday telling me that I would always be his little girl, his "babe", and the necklace he gave me with it. If only his actions had ever once backed up those words.....
More prevalent are the memories like these:
"I liked you fine til you started talking"
When I broke my collarbone and he grabbed me by the arm, flinging me around, and proclaimed it was not broken.
His contribution to raising me when he told me my breath stunk and tried to teach me how to use Listerine at 10 years old.
Threatening to cut off my hair if I didn't stop with a nervous head-shaking twitch
Humiliating me in front of my friends
Throwing me down the stairs b/c I left a plate on the counter
Ruining holidays with his temper, sarcasm and silent brooding
Walking on eggshells around him at all times
Him drop kicking my cat off the back porch because she was meowing to go out
The inane morning competitions to get into the bathroom
Of course, the way he reacted to the abuse by yelling at me and forcing me to admit it was a lie
His hateful accusations of my being a whore
I'm sure I could go on and on with these but there really is no point. I searched online for an image to sum up the way I feel about him and his influence on my childhood and life but I could not find one. So, with the very patient cooperation of my DD, I made this one which says it all:
I give myself permission to grieve this loss. I wanted his love. Truthfully, I believe he did love me but only in his limited, conditional and warped definition of love. Nothing like the ways I needed it. But I don't need him or his love anymore. I have made it 38 years without it. And you know, I've turned out pretty damn good. And I can take the credit for that.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
T Homework
I had a pretty uneventful session with my T on Saturday. It was a phone session since DD was sick. I've not really had any major revelations going on. I mentioned to her that I emailed my XBF on his birthday and I was glad I did. I felt it was something I needed to do though I suspected it was really a step toward closure with my father. By the way, an update, he did write back to me on Sunday. A very generic reply that did not invite further correspondence, which is fine. That's as it should be. I have to confess that I was silently hoping for a seamless "in" to mention that my DD still asks for him all the time. I want him to feel guilt for abandoning her. I want him to know she still hurts. Oh YEAH....this is so all about my own father!!
So T suggested that I should write out how I've addressed "things", ie:abuse issues, with my father and my brother, chronologically. The purpose of this exercise is to find out what was said/done, what was not said/done and what needs to be said/done in order to achieve completion.
Let's start with my brother, because I think that's easier:
(As I stare blankly at the screen thinking "Crap, did I just say this one would be easier?")
Hmmmm....well let me just start typing and see what comes.
(1983-ish)There was the time on the stairs which stands out as the most direct confrontation between us. I don't remember what I said. I remember he discounted it by responding that "we were just a couple of horny kids".
(1985-ish) Not exactly addressing it with him but this is when I told what he did. Just so happened I chose to tell his girlfriend.
(1991-ish)I remember the time he was in the kitchen, I believe with his wife, and he was picking on me and I put my finger up in his face and said assertively "You do NOT get to speak to me like that ever again."
(2002-ish) I had to write a letter to him (the kind you don't send) for my group therapy. I remember feeling totally uncomfortable and unprepared for such an exercise. In fact, I'm fairly sure I "masked" my way through it by writing what I thought I was supposed to write since I was not at all connected to any real feelings on the subject.
(May, 2004) I remember when I told them I was pregnant in a card and he called me to congratulate. I did not call back. I eventually wrote him back a letter and said that I could not pretend that we were a normal brother/sister and that nothing had ever happened in our past. He sent me back a patronizing card with a girl on a shrink's couch that said something like "the good thing about having you for family is that I have plenty to talk about in therapy" or something along those lines. I don't recall what he said exactly but he indicated he was willing to discuss the past. It was the way he said it though, very sarcastic and dismissive. No surprise.
So, what has been said? Nothing, really. It seems like nothing direct and worthwhile has been said. Well, let's think again actually.
Said by me:
1. You will no longer speak to me disrespectfully
2. I can't pretend that nothing happened between us
Said by him:
1. We were a couple of horny kids which translates to "I don't take responsibility for anything that went on."
2. (basically) I'll pretend to be the "good guy" by telling you we can talk about it but I'll make sure I do it in such a way that you know it will be pointless.
What hasn't been said? I've never flat out told him he abused me. Because I didn't believe it until recently. Even now, when I say it, I still feel twinges of all the extenuating circumstances. If I could have my questions answered, without having to talk to him or anyone, what would I want to know about him?
What drove you to abuse me? What purpose did it serve for you? Did anyone abuse you? If so, who? When? How? Does anyone else know? Did you ever confront that person? How do you feel now about what occurred between us? Did you ever seek counseling and, if so, where do you think you stand with this issue? Have you abused anyone else? How do you think what happened may have changed you as a person? Do you feel guilt?
Do you know that my brother used to sign all his cards to me "Hatred, Gregory" Yes, the "hatred" part is pretty bad but what is more disturbing? His name is not Gregory. It was like an alter personality, like a character, to him who he could interject into all these bad situations as a means for not taking responsibility for his own feelings &/or actions.
What do I want from my brother? I want him to go away. I don't want anything from him. I've been thinking about that statement since this afternoon and I'm just not sure if the fact that I would really be perfectly happy to never speak to my father or brother again, even if they had some big life change and were suddenly accountable for everything they did, means anything about my inability or unwillingness to face the situation? Or does it just say that too much has happened, too much time passed, too much hurt sustained and there is just no changing that now? Or does it say that I'm too scared to let go of the status quo? To free myself from this stranglehold?
If he felt remorse and tried to make amends, would I allow it? I don't know. The thought of having a relationship with him sickens me. I guess I don't believe he is capable of any more that who he is right now. Maybe it's almost comforting for me to believe that because then *I* am the strong one who overcomes the obstacles and he's the pathetic one wallowing in his guilt, the victim of self-induced karma.
I would like to have *A* brother. Just not the one I have. I don't like him. I'm not sure I ever could or would. I can ditto that whole statement about my father. I want *A* father. Just not the one I have. I don't like him....I don't trust him. I don't respect him and I'm damn sure pissed off at him for his cowardly choices.
Okay....what has been said to my father?
(1985-ish) Same incident when I told my brother's girlfriend and then she told my brother who told my father what I'd "claimed" and naturally said it was all lies. And then the famous conversation ensued. My favorite one when I was forced to admit I was lying, made it all up for attention and had to apologize to my brother.
The rest is really a blur. I've found many journal entries, half written letters. I know I sent some of them. I know there were times I told him I longed to be closer, to have a real family. I know I tried to speak for my mother and brother in some of the letters. I know I told him I was addressing issues that had been part of the family history. The last one I wrote was in 2000, I believe, where I basically told him how his abuse shaped me, my lack of self worth. He responded in anger and bitter, bitter sarcasm. He's a very tit for tat kind of man....calculated. He would always reply in exactly the same manner I initiated correspondence with. I send a card; he sends a card. I send a typed letter with no signature; he sends a typed letter with no signature. I send a handwritten note on legal paper; he sends a handwritten note on legal paper. It's really more than a little disturbing.
I guess, as far as hashing through the issues of the past, I feel I've said all I can say to my father. He has not and really is not capable of ever responding in a way that is meaningful to me in achieving my closure. What has not been said by me is "I forgive you." It pains me to even think of saying that to him. But I guess in the same way I've come to realize with my mother.....he did what he was capable of. He is a broken, deeply depressed and damaged man. He was so ill prepared for fatherhood. At what point do I stop trying to punish him (which really only punishes ME) for what he didn't do? At what point do I release it for my own sanity and "forgive" him because there is nothing left to do and say? How long will I beat myself up because I could not turn him into the father I needed? What do I gain by holding this pain so tightly to my heart?
So T suggested that I should write out how I've addressed "things", ie:abuse issues, with my father and my brother, chronologically. The purpose of this exercise is to find out what was said/done, what was not said/done and what needs to be said/done in order to achieve completion.
Let's start with my brother, because I think that's easier:
(As I stare blankly at the screen thinking "Crap, did I just say this one would be easier?")
Hmmmm....well let me just start typing and see what comes.
(1983-ish)There was the time on the stairs which stands out as the most direct confrontation between us. I don't remember what I said. I remember he discounted it by responding that "we were just a couple of horny kids".
(1985-ish) Not exactly addressing it with him but this is when I told what he did. Just so happened I chose to tell his girlfriend.
(1991-ish)I remember the time he was in the kitchen, I believe with his wife, and he was picking on me and I put my finger up in his face and said assertively "You do NOT get to speak to me like that ever again."
(2002-ish) I had to write a letter to him (the kind you don't send) for my group therapy. I remember feeling totally uncomfortable and unprepared for such an exercise. In fact, I'm fairly sure I "masked" my way through it by writing what I thought I was supposed to write since I was not at all connected to any real feelings on the subject.
(May, 2004) I remember when I told them I was pregnant in a card and he called me to congratulate. I did not call back. I eventually wrote him back a letter and said that I could not pretend that we were a normal brother/sister and that nothing had ever happened in our past. He sent me back a patronizing card with a girl on a shrink's couch that said something like "the good thing about having you for family is that I have plenty to talk about in therapy" or something along those lines. I don't recall what he said exactly but he indicated he was willing to discuss the past. It was the way he said it though, very sarcastic and dismissive. No surprise.
So, what has been said? Nothing, really. It seems like nothing direct and worthwhile has been said. Well, let's think again actually.
Said by me:
1. You will no longer speak to me disrespectfully
2. I can't pretend that nothing happened between us
Said by him:
1. We were a couple of horny kids which translates to "I don't take responsibility for anything that went on."
2. (basically) I'll pretend to be the "good guy" by telling you we can talk about it but I'll make sure I do it in such a way that you know it will be pointless.
What hasn't been said? I've never flat out told him he abused me. Because I didn't believe it until recently. Even now, when I say it, I still feel twinges of all the extenuating circumstances. If I could have my questions answered, without having to talk to him or anyone, what would I want to know about him?
What drove you to abuse me? What purpose did it serve for you? Did anyone abuse you? If so, who? When? How? Does anyone else know? Did you ever confront that person? How do you feel now about what occurred between us? Did you ever seek counseling and, if so, where do you think you stand with this issue? Have you abused anyone else? How do you think what happened may have changed you as a person? Do you feel guilt?
Do you know that my brother used to sign all his cards to me "Hatred, Gregory" Yes, the "hatred" part is pretty bad but what is more disturbing? His name is not Gregory. It was like an alter personality, like a character, to him who he could interject into all these bad situations as a means for not taking responsibility for his own feelings &/or actions.
What do I want from my brother? I want him to go away. I don't want anything from him. I've been thinking about that statement since this afternoon and I'm just not sure if the fact that I would really be perfectly happy to never speak to my father or brother again, even if they had some big life change and were suddenly accountable for everything they did, means anything about my inability or unwillingness to face the situation? Or does it just say that too much has happened, too much time passed, too much hurt sustained and there is just no changing that now? Or does it say that I'm too scared to let go of the status quo? To free myself from this stranglehold?
If he felt remorse and tried to make amends, would I allow it? I don't know. The thought of having a relationship with him sickens me. I guess I don't believe he is capable of any more that who he is right now. Maybe it's almost comforting for me to believe that because then *I* am the strong one who overcomes the obstacles and he's the pathetic one wallowing in his guilt, the victim of self-induced karma.
I would like to have *A* brother. Just not the one I have. I don't like him. I'm not sure I ever could or would. I can ditto that whole statement about my father. I want *A* father. Just not the one I have. I don't like him....I don't trust him. I don't respect him and I'm damn sure pissed off at him for his cowardly choices.
Okay....what has been said to my father?
(1985-ish) Same incident when I told my brother's girlfriend and then she told my brother who told my father what I'd "claimed" and naturally said it was all lies. And then the famous conversation ensued. My favorite one when I was forced to admit I was lying, made it all up for attention and had to apologize to my brother.
The rest is really a blur. I've found many journal entries, half written letters. I know I sent some of them. I know there were times I told him I longed to be closer, to have a real family. I know I tried to speak for my mother and brother in some of the letters. I know I told him I was addressing issues that had been part of the family history. The last one I wrote was in 2000, I believe, where I basically told him how his abuse shaped me, my lack of self worth. He responded in anger and bitter, bitter sarcasm. He's a very tit for tat kind of man....calculated. He would always reply in exactly the same manner I initiated correspondence with. I send a card; he sends a card. I send a typed letter with no signature; he sends a typed letter with no signature. I send a handwritten note on legal paper; he sends a handwritten note on legal paper. It's really more than a little disturbing.
I guess, as far as hashing through the issues of the past, I feel I've said all I can say to my father. He has not and really is not capable of ever responding in a way that is meaningful to me in achieving my closure. What has not been said by me is "I forgive you." It pains me to even think of saying that to him. But I guess in the same way I've come to realize with my mother.....he did what he was capable of. He is a broken, deeply depressed and damaged man. He was so ill prepared for fatherhood. At what point do I stop trying to punish him (which really only punishes ME) for what he didn't do? At what point do I release it for my own sanity and "forgive" him because there is nothing left to do and say? How long will I beat myself up because I could not turn him into the father I needed? What do I gain by holding this pain so tightly to my heart?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Closure
I'm working on my T homework post. In the middle of it, I used the word closure and I started a little sidebar about what exactly that means. It took on a life of it's own, requiring it's own entry!
I've been using that word alot lately. Closure. Is there ever really closure?
So I take to my good friends Merriam & Webster: closure: an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality (victims needing closure); also : something (as a satisfying ending) that provides such a sense.
My other dear friend, Wikipedia, has this to say: the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event, or, a point in the development of an artifact where social understanding and interpretation reaches consensus.
The need for closure varies across individuals, situations, and cultures. A person with a high need for closure prefers order and predictability and is decisive and close minded. This person also feels discomfort from ambiguity . Someone rating low on need for closure will express more ideational fluidity and emit more creative acts .
The Need for Closure Scale (NFCS) was developed by Arie Kruglanski, Donna Webster, and Adena Klem in 1993. Items on the scale include statements such as “I think that having clear rules and order at work is essential to success.” and “I do not like situations that are uncertain”. Items such as “Even after I’ve made up my mind about something, I am always eager to consider a different opinion.” and “I like to have friends who are unpredictable” are reversed scored. This scale is composed of 42 items and has been used in numerous research studies and has been translated into multiple languages. The Need for Closure Scale exhibits low to moderate association with the following: “authoritarianism, intolerance of ambiguity, dogmatism, need for cognition, cognitive complexity, impulsivity, need for structure, and fear of invalidity, while retaining considerable distinctiveness from those various constructs”. It does not appear to be related with the intelligence level nor social desirability concerns.
What's this now?? A Need For Closure Scale?? Some sort of test to take to tell me how rigid and controlling I am? Thumbs Up! Gotta love the internet....a mere matter of searches, clicks and cut & paste later:
Need for Closure Scale
"Attitude, Belief and Experience Survey"
(I'm going to forewarn you that there is really no basis for scoring this survey....but still the questions were interesting!)
Read each of the following statements and decide how much you agree with each according to your beliefs and experiences. Please respond according to the following scale.
1 strongly disagree
2 moderately disagree
3 slightly disagree
4 slightly agree
5 moderately agree
6 strongly agree
01.I think that having clear rules and order at work is essential for success.
02.Even after I've made up my mind about something, I am always eager to consider a different opinion.
03.I don't like situations that are uncertain.
04.I dislike questions which could be answered in many different ways. (If I could answer this one with a score of 10,000, I would!!!!)
05.I like to have friends who are unpredictable.
06.I find that a well ordered life with regular hours suits my temperament.
07.I enjoy the uncertainty of going into a new situation without knowingwhat might happen.
08.When dining out, I like to go to places where I have been before so thatI know what to expect.
09.I feel uncomfortable when I don't understand the reason why an event occurred in my life.
10.I feel irritated when one person disagrees with what everyone else in a group believes.
11.I hate to change my plans at the last minute.
12.I would describe myself as indecisive.
13.When I go shopping, I have difficulty deciding exactly what it is I want.
14.When faced with a problem I usually see the one best solution very quickly.
15.When I am confused about an important issue, I feel very upset.
16.I tend to put off making important decisions until the last possible moment.
17.I usually make important decisions quickly and confidently.
18.I have never been late for an appointment or work.
19.I think it is fun to change my plans at the last moment.
20.My personal space is usually messy and disorganized.
21.In most social conflicts, I can easily see which side is right and which is wrong.
22.I have never known someone I did not like.
23.I tend to struggle with most decisions.
24.I believe orderliness and organization are among the most important characteristics of a good student.
25.When considering most conflict situations, I can usually see how both sides could be right.
26.I don't like to be with people who are capable of unexpected actions.
27.I prefer to socialize with familiar friends because I know what to expect from them.
28.I think that I would learn best in a class that lacks clearly stated objectives and requirements. 29.When thinking about a problem, I consider as many different opinions on the issue as possible.
30.I don't like to go into a situation without knowing what I can expect from it.
31.I like to know what people are thinking all the time.
32.I dislike it when a person's statement could mean many different things.
33.It's annoying to listen to someone who cannot seem to make up his or her mind.
34.I find that establishing a consistent routine enables me to enjoy life more.
35.I enjoy having a clear and structured mode of life.
36.I prefer interacting with people whose opinions are very different from my own.
37.I like to have a plan for everything and a place for everything. (As if there is something wrong with this?!?!?!)
38.I feel uncomfortable when someone's meaning or intention is unclear to me.
39.I believe that one should never engage in leisure activities.
40.When trying to solve a problem I often see so many possible options that it's confusing.
41.I always see many possible solutions to problems I face.
42.I'd rather know bad news than stay in a state of uncertainty.
43.I feel that there is no such thing as an honest mistake.
44.I do not usually consult many different options before forming my own view.
45.I dislike unpredictable situations.
46.I have never hurt another person's feelings.
47.I dislike the routine aspects of my work (studies).
So before I go back and re-read any of this....I must ask myself: What does "Closure" mean to ME? I'm going to focus this on my father so it doesn't turn too general. In practical terms, I would say that I will believe I've achieved closure when:
1. I stop feeling the urge to contact him.
2. I stop wishing that things could be/could have been different.
3. I accept that whatever I did or did not do was the right course for me.
4. I no longer care what anyone else thinks of my decisions about him.
5. I stop replaying the confrontation scenario in my mind.
6. I find another way to fulfill my desire for a father figure.
7. I stop wishing him dead.
I've been using that word alot lately. Closure. Is there ever really closure?
So I take to my good friends Merriam & Webster: closure: an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality (victims needing closure); also : something (as a satisfying ending) that provides such a sense.
My other dear friend, Wikipedia, has this to say: the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event, or, a point in the development of an artifact where social understanding and interpretation reaches consensus.
The need for closure varies across individuals, situations, and cultures. A person with a high need for closure prefers order and predictability and is decisive and close minded. This person also feels discomfort from ambiguity . Someone rating low on need for closure will express more ideational fluidity and emit more creative acts .
The Need for Closure Scale (NFCS) was developed by Arie Kruglanski, Donna Webster, and Adena Klem in 1993. Items on the scale include statements such as “I think that having clear rules and order at work is essential to success.” and “I do not like situations that are uncertain”. Items such as “Even after I’ve made up my mind about something, I am always eager to consider a different opinion.” and “I like to have friends who are unpredictable” are reversed scored. This scale is composed of 42 items and has been used in numerous research studies and has been translated into multiple languages. The Need for Closure Scale exhibits low to moderate association with the following: “authoritarianism, intolerance of ambiguity, dogmatism, need for cognition, cognitive complexity, impulsivity, need for structure, and fear of invalidity, while retaining considerable distinctiveness from those various constructs”. It does not appear to be related with the intelligence level nor social desirability concerns.
What's this now?? A Need For Closure Scale?? Some sort of test to take to tell me how rigid and controlling I am? Thumbs Up! Gotta love the internet....a mere matter of searches, clicks and cut & paste later:
Need for Closure Scale
"Attitude, Belief and Experience Survey"
(I'm going to forewarn you that there is really no basis for scoring this survey....but still the questions were interesting!)
Read each of the following statements and decide how much you agree with each according to your beliefs and experiences. Please respond according to the following scale.
1 strongly disagree
2 moderately disagree
3 slightly disagree
4 slightly agree
5 moderately agree
6 strongly agree
01.I think that having clear rules and order at work is essential for success.
02.Even after I've made up my mind about something, I am always eager to consider a different opinion.
03.I don't like situations that are uncertain.
04.I dislike questions which could be answered in many different ways. (If I could answer this one with a score of 10,000, I would!!!!)
05.I like to have friends who are unpredictable.
06.I find that a well ordered life with regular hours suits my temperament.
07.I enjoy the uncertainty of going into a new situation without knowingwhat might happen.
08.When dining out, I like to go to places where I have been before so thatI know what to expect.
09.I feel uncomfortable when I don't understand the reason why an event occurred in my life.
10.I feel irritated when one person disagrees with what everyone else in a group believes.
11.I hate to change my plans at the last minute.
12.I would describe myself as indecisive.
13.When I go shopping, I have difficulty deciding exactly what it is I want.
14.When faced with a problem I usually see the one best solution very quickly.
15.When I am confused about an important issue, I feel very upset.
16.I tend to put off making important decisions until the last possible moment.
17.I usually make important decisions quickly and confidently.
18.I have never been late for an appointment or work.
19.I think it is fun to change my plans at the last moment.
20.My personal space is usually messy and disorganized.
21.In most social conflicts, I can easily see which side is right and which is wrong.
22.I have never known someone I did not like.
23.I tend to struggle with most decisions.
24.I believe orderliness and organization are among the most important characteristics of a good student.
25.When considering most conflict situations, I can usually see how both sides could be right.
26.I don't like to be with people who are capable of unexpected actions.
27.I prefer to socialize with familiar friends because I know what to expect from them.
28.I think that I would learn best in a class that lacks clearly stated objectives and requirements. 29.When thinking about a problem, I consider as many different opinions on the issue as possible.
30.I don't like to go into a situation without knowing what I can expect from it.
31.I like to know what people are thinking all the time.
32.I dislike it when a person's statement could mean many different things.
33.It's annoying to listen to someone who cannot seem to make up his or her mind.
34.I find that establishing a consistent routine enables me to enjoy life more.
35.I enjoy having a clear and structured mode of life.
36.I prefer interacting with people whose opinions are very different from my own.
37.I like to have a plan for everything and a place for everything. (As if there is something wrong with this?!?!?!)
38.I feel uncomfortable when someone's meaning or intention is unclear to me.
39.I believe that one should never engage in leisure activities.
40.When trying to solve a problem I often see so many possible options that it's confusing.
41.I always see many possible solutions to problems I face.
42.I'd rather know bad news than stay in a state of uncertainty.
43.I feel that there is no such thing as an honest mistake.
44.I do not usually consult many different options before forming my own view.
45.I dislike unpredictable situations.
46.I have never hurt another person's feelings.
47.I dislike the routine aspects of my work (studies).
So before I go back and re-read any of this....I must ask myself: What does "Closure" mean to ME? I'm going to focus this on my father so it doesn't turn too general. In practical terms, I would say that I will believe I've achieved closure when:
1. I stop feeling the urge to contact him.
2. I stop wishing that things could be/could have been different.
3. I accept that whatever I did or did not do was the right course for me.
4. I no longer care what anyone else thinks of my decisions about him.
5. I stop replaying the confrontation scenario in my mind.
6. I find another way to fulfill my desire for a father figure.
7. I stop wishing him dead.
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