Conundrum

I've been mulling some thoughts over and I realized something. Some sort of a personal catch 22. I've had anxiety and panic issues for quite some time and I eventually identified that it escalates in situations where I feel my power being compromised....where I feel like I'm going to lose myself in another person or situation.

Yet, I look at my previous "Sex or No Sex" post and see that anxiety/panic also sets in when I am faced with owning my power and really getting down to the nitty gritty of dealing with myself.

Soooooooooooooooo....which is it?? Which do I want? I panic at losing myself and I panic at finding myself. No wonder dissociation has been a friend to me.

I know that I want to "find" myself. I know that I deeply desire the ability to feel what I'm feeling, identify it, let it process fully and move on from it. I wish to God that it were that easy. And then I wonder why it is NOT that easy. I've asked before and will ask again....isn't that a basic human function? I assume that it is but seriously, I'm not sure!! I assume that "normal" people just feel what they feel and move on. But maybe not. I just don't know. I hate not knowing. I hate gray.....give me black and white. Give me check lists and instructions.

Sex or no sex?? (TMI)

I think I miss sex. I miss the connection felt with another person. I miss just the physical sensation. When I first dated my last boyfriend, it was the first time in my life I ever experienced love making. How sad....at 35....was the first time I was in love with the person I was intimate with. And there has been no shortage on the list of people I've been intimate with. When he and I made love, it was a totally different experience than anything I'd ever experienced before and I knew I never wanted to go back to plain old sex. He and I broke up. The first time. And it was 8 months later that I slept with a guy I had no feelings for. And it was a completely empty experience. Then the boyfriend and I got back together the following month. And a year later, we broke up again. Here I am.....7 months post-breakup. Haven't dated anyone special. No real prospects on the horizon. And I'm thinking about sex. Sex has never really had a proper place in my life so I'm trying to blog out what is behind the desire.

1. The first thought that comes to mind....am I trying to force another relationship? "Sex as a Weapon" is no stranger to me....it was often a tool to get something I wanted, from a material thing, to attention, to a momentary escape. Am I tapping into an old misnomer that giving sex will get me something I want? I guess I am lonely for adult companionship....I miss having that someone special to share my day with.

2. Second thought is similar to the first.....am I trying to recreate old feelings? The old feelings of actually being IN love and making love. I still have unresolved issues from my last relationship. Am I attempting to recapture some of that emotion by creating a scenario in my mind? Because Lord knows I can turn a crappy reality into a lovely fantasy if I so choose.

3. And this one really came to me as I was writing the opening paragraph.....distraction. I think my new medication is actually working and it's stripping away my energy to keep up the facade and the need to keep myself busy all day every day. I realized in my last counseling session that I'm really very focused on my daughter right now. Not that I shouldn't be, but I've basically said she is my reason for living right now. Clearly, that unhealthy level of focus on her is because I'm trying hard NOT to focus on me. So this would fall right in line. I guess it's no coincidence that the day I indentified that was the same day I started considering casual sex again. That is an old distraction technique. And I have NO doubt it would not work the same way it used to. But then again, nothing is working the way it used to work. Not eating, not cutting....not sex.

So now I know.....I think it's probably a bit of a combination but overwhelmingly door #3 is the winner. Especially when I consider the timing of those feelings. Boy, I sure want to avoid feeling what I need to feel. I'm ready, though....I really am. It just feels so unfamiliar.

Why do I like my scars?

I was speaking with a friend earlier today and she was checking on my SI status. I haven't done in it a while, I told her. Just once, last week. I mentioned that my first incident of SI (this time around) is scarring pretty badly. Funny, because I didn't even feel like it was as bad a cut as anything I've done since then but it turned out to be the worst of them all. Hmm....that thought in itself just gave me pause. Isn't that the case in real life, as well. Sometimes the things that seem the most benign are the things that scar the deepest. I know, for me, you would think the sexual abuse would be the worst. But it is not what hurts me the most. It is the rejection by my parents and their failure to protect. I should have been their most prized possession....and instead I was disregarded.

Anyhow....my friend suggested a scar reducing cream to me and I said that for some reason, I don't know why, I like my scars. Why do I like my scars? What do they represent for me? I think perhaps the same thing that the actual injury represents.....a visible sign of inner pain? Part of me feels it's a badge of strength that I was able to endure the pain.

Yet when my three year old daughter sees any of the marks on me, I want to hide them from her. I don't want her to see them. It breaks my heart when she asks to kiss my boo-boos. I guess I don't want to associate my greatest joy with my deepest pain? I don't want her to have to be anywhere near something so evil and destructive. Like it will somehow rub off on her? Or that she will remember it and think it's an acceptable way to deal with things because Mom did it?

The weirdest part about this post is that, as I type it, my scars are tingling and throbbing....they NEVER feel this way. I almost never feel them. Odd.