Tuesday, September 11, 2007


I've been mulling some thoughts over and I realized something. Some sort of a personal catch 22. I've had anxiety and panic issues for quite some time and I eventually identified that it escalates in situations where I feel my power being compromised....where I feel like I'm going to lose myself in another person or situation.

Yet, I look at my previous "Sex or No Sex" post and see that anxiety/panic also sets in when I am faced with owning my power and really getting down to the nitty gritty of dealing with myself.

Soooooooooooooooo....which is it?? Which do I want? I panic at losing myself and I panic at finding myself. No wonder dissociation has been a friend to me.

I know that I want to "find" myself. I know that I deeply desire the ability to feel what I'm feeling, identify it, let it process fully and move on from it. I wish to God that it were that easy. And then I wonder why it is NOT that easy. I've asked before and will ask again....isn't that a basic human function? I assume that it is but seriously, I'm not sure!! I assume that "normal" people just feel what they feel and move on. But maybe not. I just don't know. I hate not knowing. I hate gray.....give me black and white. Give me check lists and instructions.

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