Monday, September 10, 2007

Sex or no sex?? (TMI)

I think I miss sex. I miss the connection felt with another person. I miss just the physical sensation. When I first dated my last boyfriend, it was the first time in my life I ever experienced love making. How 35....was the first time I was in love with the person I was intimate with. And there has been no shortage on the list of people I've been intimate with. When he and I made love, it was a totally different experience than anything I'd ever experienced before and I knew I never wanted to go back to plain old sex. He and I broke up. The first time. And it was 8 months later that I slept with a guy I had no feelings for. And it was a completely empty experience. Then the boyfriend and I got back together the following month. And a year later, we broke up again. Here I am.....7 months post-breakup. Haven't dated anyone special. No real prospects on the horizon. And I'm thinking about sex. Sex has never really had a proper place in my life so I'm trying to blog out what is behind the desire.

1. The first thought that comes to I trying to force another relationship? "Sex as a Weapon" is no stranger to was often a tool to get something I wanted, from a material thing, to attention, to a momentary escape. Am I tapping into an old misnomer that giving sex will get me something I want? I guess I am lonely for adult companionship....I miss having that someone special to share my day with.

2. Second thought is similar to the I trying to recreate old feelings? The old feelings of actually being IN love and making love. I still have unresolved issues from my last relationship. Am I attempting to recapture some of that emotion by creating a scenario in my mind? Because Lord knows I can turn a crappy reality into a lovely fantasy if I so choose.

3. And this one really came to me as I was writing the opening paragraph.....distraction. I think my new medication is actually working and it's stripping away my energy to keep up the facade and the need to keep myself busy all day every day. I realized in my last counseling session that I'm really very focused on my daughter right now. Not that I shouldn't be, but I've basically said she is my reason for living right now. Clearly, that unhealthy level of focus on her is because I'm trying hard NOT to focus on me. So this would fall right in line. I guess it's no coincidence that the day I indentified that was the same day I started considering casual sex again. That is an old distraction technique. And I have NO doubt it would not work the same way it used to. But then again, nothing is working the way it used to work. Not eating, not cutting....not sex.

So now I know.....I think it's probably a bit of a combination but overwhelmingly door #3 is the winner. Especially when I consider the timing of those feelings. Boy, I sure want to avoid feeling what I need to feel. I'm ready, though....I really am. It just feels so unfamiliar.

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