Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Coming Out Of Hiding

Emerging from under the covers. Reluctantly. Why is it that when I need to reach out the most is when I retreat?

It's been over a week since I've posted. What has been going on in my world? Well.....*deep breath*....66 binge free days just went down the....

And I had a 12 day binge. And now I'm back at a new Day 1. I hate admitting that. But I guess being ready to admit it means being ready to start over again. Hate starting over. Hate FAILURE. Please no rosy, bright side comments about having had 66 clean days. I am not ready to hear it right now. Most of those 66 days were a struggle. I was never really excited about the amount of time I managed to stay binge free because I felt so "on-edge" most of the time. And I knew I was at a serious risk of relapse. I think all of this father stuff has just been too much for me to handle without my old coping tools. But they just don't serve me well anymore. I end up sick, miserable and hating myself. Not even able to look in the mirror. My sense of BDD takes over and I appear distorted to myself; enormous to the point of comic absurdity. I can't look. I want to hide even from myself.
In the days that I've been away, I've had 2 massive migraines. This mornings was the worst I think I've ever had. Vomiting over and over, every time I moved my head an inch off the pillow. So hard that I look almost as if I have 2 black eyes; blood vessels ruptured under both of them. I was truly, seriously contemplating if I'd rather wet my bed than to try getting up to go to the bathroom. It was a serious toss up. I'll tell you....if I had the waterproof liner on my mattress that DD does.....I probably would have made a different decision! I was literally just whimpering in misery. I had to take my migraine pills 3 times because I kept throwing them back up. DD is such an angel when I'm feeling this way. Thank God. I'm not sure if the migraines are from eating all the bad food (sugar, refined carbs) I'd cleansed my body of in those 66 days or if it's just from trying to suppress all of this emotional crap that needs to be dealt with. The thing is....I just don't know what to do to deal with it. I get what it is I need to come to terms with. It's just really hard to let go of the idea of something I've held onto so tightly. I so deeply wanted to give DD the family that I did not have. The funny thing is that by holding onto that desire, I am actually steering her right into the same feelings of abandonment and rejection that I've lived a lifetime with. I know I will come to terms with it. It's just so hard right now. I know the only thing to do is just to feel it little by little, over and over, as it comes it. Feel it, grieve it, release it. I think I'd rather pull my fingernails out with pliers.
DD had a playdate with her friend, C, over the weekend. C's mom and I are getting to be better friends the more our daughters play together. DD & C were playing out in the yard while C's Mom and I were up on the deck. C came running up to me to tell me that my DD had said she wanted to go to her Daddy's house before we went home. And she said it again later as we were getting ready to leave. "Don't forget that DD wants to visit her Daddy before you go home." Anyway, after the first time she said it, I started to cry. I told C's Mom the basics of the story. I felt like such a.....I don't know. A fool, I suppose. Unlovable?
This morning, we were listening to DD's music. There is a Laurie Berkner song that goes "I'm a little frog and my Daddy loves me, I'm a little frog and my Mommy loves me and when they tuck me in to say Goodnight, they say Ribbit-Ribbit, Goodnight!" And does the same verse for several animals. So DD says "Does my Daddy love me?" How the hell do you answer those questions when they come out of the blue?? Without falling apart, anyway?? I bought some time by asking her what she thought which she didn't have an answer for. I told her that she was very lucky because she is SO absolutely loved by all the people who are in her life. Told her how much I love her and all the reasons she's so lovable and special. I thought it was a pretty nice save, actually. No one prepares you for these major questions that just come flying out of the blue with kids. Mental note to never listen to THAT song again......
I think that's about all that needs updating with me.....nothing else really going on. Getting ready for vaca in 10 days and really looking forward to it.

1 comment:

Enola said...

((hugs)) Will be on the road all day the next two days (Wed & Thurs) and just hanging out today so call if you want.