Pollution

When I went searching for an image for this post, this is not what I had in mind. I was looking for something like a hand dropping an object to symbolize my need to drop an expectation. But I saw this....mother and child. Garbage being dropped into the trash. And the words "Protect Them From Your Pollution". Hmmm, pollution?

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Pollute: to make ceremonially or morally impure. See Contaminate.

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Contaminate: to soil, stain, corrupt, or infect by contact or association; to make unfit for use by the introduction of unwholesome or undesirable elements.

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You're probably wondering where I'm going with this by now.

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DD's bio-father and I have been corresponding a bit. By corresponding, of course, I mean that I've been trying to get information and he's been a flat out lying ratbastard. His most recent reply, last night, was absolute, unadulterated BS. I began to write back to him immediately because I was incensed. And then I realized that no good could come of that. So I deleted it and went to bed.

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This morning I was thinking and I realize that, in my head, I know full well there is nothing more for me to do here. I know that he is who he is. And yet....my recurring issue....I can't stop dancing around it and thinking that there MUST be some way to make him care. To make him honest. To make him responsible. To compel him to be something other than the deadbeat loser that he is. I know there is not. But I cannot DROP IT.

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Pollution. Contamination. Undesirable Elements. My undesirable elements that I am undoubtedly going to transfer to DD if I can't get a handle on them. My disappointment in him and in my own father. My father issues. My expectation for him to be more than he is. My inability to drop it. To let go of him and know he is nothing more than a biological donor. All of these things can be said equally about my own father as well as DD's father.

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If I cannot learn to get this in the proper perspective, to stop thinking there is something I can do to change what is, to stop feeling responsible for their behavior, I doom my child to a life being suffocated by MY pollution.