Monday, February 16, 2009


I feel like I've been MIA lately but I've not really had much to talk about. Things are pretty status quo.
I've not made any progress with my eating disorder. My friend, JS, was on vacation for a couple weeks so I was without her input for that time. She came back right before I left for a long weekend with Bianca in New Hampshire. We had a nice time, playing in the snow and relaxing in the house. I'll post some pictures later in the week. Anyway....JS gave me a packet of information that I've yet to look at. Last week was crazy busy with work things and stress surrounding them. ~
The weekend was good. Saturday was errands. Sunday I was so happy to be able to get together with Enola. We've been friends for a few years now and this was the 2nd time we've been able to meet up. Our daughters are around the same age and had fun playing together. I got to see the new baby who is such a little love!! He's so handsome, happy and "chatty". After we got home, Bianca said "Baby sure did have alot to say!" and told me how much fun she had with Enola's DD, wanting to know when they could see each other again.
So, as the title says, the biggest thing on my plate lately has been thinking about sending Bianca to Kindergarten. I mentioned in a prior post that, when I moved here, I was operating under a false impression about Tom's (XBF) place in my life, our future and his involvement with Bianca. I didn't give the public school much thought because we had other plans. *hmpfh* So much for that. I am still, unproductively, holding onto some anger at him about this when really, I have no one to blame but myself. Aaaah, the words were forming under my fingertips, I realize that I'm not angry with Tom. I'm angry with myself.
What are my options?
1. Private school. This was the first thing I looked into. I feel that a smaller classroom and more individualized attention would suit Bianca better. Also, I work an hour from where I live and I would prefer to have her closer to me. Cost is prohibitive, like $17,000 - $25,000 just for the school year. And then another $5,000 or more for summer.
2. Religious School. I have some serious issues with religion so this is hard for me to even think about but I'd regret not at least looking into the possibility for Bianca's sake. The Christian academy is nearly as unaffordable as the private schools at about $15K a year. I could actually pull off tuition for Catholic school and there is an award-winning school the town over from me. I spent some time reading their website. I just can't do it. They accept non-catholic students but it seems like the whole point of accepting them is catholicize them! There is so much mass & religious eduction for even the youngest grades. The rules absolutely strip the kids of one shred of individual expression. Right or wrong, I just picture a school of hypnotized clones.
3. Magnet &/or Charter schools. Seems like it could be a good alternative being a public school but requiring application & acceptance. Class sizes are slightly smaller. The deadline was 1/27 for registration. So it's now a waitlist lottery. And I'm finding it incredibly difficult to locate these schools. There does not seem to be any master list of schools in the district. I don't know if there is tuition. And then the magnet schools have a theme...the one close to me is International Studies. How do I know if that's the right focus for Bianca?
*Update to this. Made some calls yesterday & learned that despite sharing the title of "Magnet School," the schools are entirely unaffiliated to one another. That is why there is no master list of schools. And I also learned that my local Magnet school had over 400 applications for 60 spots. Soooo...that's out!!
4. Finally, public school. This causes turmoil in the pit of my stomach. The price is right, for sure. I'm worried about the distance from my office but changing jobs, particularly in this economy, is out of the question. I'm worried about the quality of the school. I learned something about the school that caused me some concern about how much attention Bianca will get. I posted about my worries on a Mom's message board the other night and I got totally raked over the coals about it.
As I examined my statements, thoughts and concerns, particularly in having them questioned and harshly judged, I came to some conclusions. I am going to find fault with any school that is a possibility right now. I'm going to pine away for the private and Montessori schools, wanting to believe they will be better simply because it's not where she is going. The simple fact is that I am terrified to send her to school. It's relinquishing control over her life and influences. I am scared to put her in the hands of strangers. And I think the word "public" sends me into absolute fits of panic and horror. Public....the control. All the things she is about to be exposed to. The bubble I want to keep her in totally exploding and sending her out into the "real world" where things are ugly and hurtful. I want to shelter her and I don't want her to grow up. That's really what it all comes down to.
There is much comfort in knowing that, while in her current Pre-K, I know the teachers and she has grown up with them. It's secured with alarm coded doors and cameras. It's 10 minutes from my office and I can be there in a flash if she needs me or just if I feel like visiting her. It's an open door policy to parents and I can come and go as I please. An hour away from my baby.....who is in the care of unknown presently more than I can handle thinking about.
The best thing I can do at this point is to go visit the public school, get a sense of what it is like and see how I feel while there. I didn't think this would be so hard but it's really tying me up in knots. Most of the time, I'm fine with single parenthood. There are two times that it really, really sucks. #1: when I'm in desperate need of a break/me-time and #2: when I feel completely incapable of making a decision on my own, like now.


Enola said...

It was so much fun to meet up with you too. Daughter had a great time and wants to get together again.

On the first day our girls start kindergarten we'll get together (even virtually) and have some drinks and cry.

We chose this house for the proximity to work - and I don't work there anymore. So now I'm thinking that maybe we should have looked at houses in the other school district. I related to your statement of wanting the Montessori school because you couldn't have it. Same here - I want the other school district because we didn't take it.

jumpinginpuddles said...

glad to hear from you, and choosing a school is sooooo hard, try doing it for five kids :P its near impossible :P

mile191 said...

hmmm. so much to think about. we can never really know what our decisions will bring about. you are in my prayers. always. i never feel quite good enough, but what is good enough.

Kindergarten, big decisions. good luck and hugs. ♥