Things Don't Always Go As Planned

We had such a good weekend. It was very warm & sunny. It was the perfect balance of relaxation and productivity. We got some errands out of the way on Friday night. Sat AM was ice skating which went well. When we got home, our neighbors were outside and invited Bianca to come play with their daughter. They had fun running around, riding the princess big wheel, squirting each other with water bottles, blowing bubbles. I was watching them play as I sat on my deck with iced coffee and my laptop. Bliss! After that we had lunch, ran out to Target b/c I ran out of laundry detergent! We picked up a new movie, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and watched it. Cute!

I did some more laundry & easy stuff. Sunday AM, I cleaned & then we met my friend Jennie & her niece at the park. It was about 90 degrees and the girls played hard until meltdowns were on the immediate horizon! Went home and got some more stuff done and had some down time after Bianca went to bed. I was in such a good mood. I was all pumped up to go to work in the AM and get things done.

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And here’s where it all goes horribly wrong. I got into bed and I couldn’t fall asleep. I think it’s probably because I was so pumped up. But I started getting frustrated. And my house was HOT. And I still have comforters on my bed. So I shoved all the blankets to the end of my bed.

I rolled this way and that way, couldn’t get comfy. Bianca woke up, she wanted me to come fix her covers b/c she rolled them into a knot. Went & fixed her up, got back into bed. Now I’m awake. And hot. Still. I turned upside down in my bed so my head was where my feet should be just so I could be directly under the ceiling fan. Bianca calls again, she wants water and can’t open the bottle. She brings it to me & I open it, send her back to bed but not until I've sufficiently explained myself to her for why I'm sleeping in the wrong direction. She wants help with her covers again. I fix her covers. Back to bed, still can’t sleep. Getting dozy…Bianca calls out she wants to come in my bed. I tell her no, I’m too hot & tossy-turny. She cries. I refuse to give in but I can’t sleep b/c she’s crying. Finally all things settle down and I fall to sleep in the 2-3am range.
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Enter 5am, a beeping alarm clock and the words “Oh hell no”.

I pound the alarm for an hour and finally get up, all of last nights excitement and energy G-O-N-E! Get myself ready and then.....let the fight with Bianca begin. "Time to get up, time to get up, time to get up, time to get up", ad nauseum. Of course, she’s beat from lack of sleep and she’s ornery. Everything I say makes her cry. Get out of bed. Cry. Finally, literal little bugger that she is, gets "out of bed" and lays down on her floor. "Get up." Cry. She stands still and cries. I ask her if she can at least sit on the potty while she cries. She cries more. I pick her up to move her, she cries more. I muster all the fake silliness I can to at least get her to stop crying and now she wants to play. We’re late, I’m flipping out on the inside but trying to maintain a sense of humor for her. She won’t cooperate and I put away the silly voice to put on the Mom voice and she cries. She wants to bring 30 things to school with her. I say no. She hides in the corner and sobs. You get the point. An hour to get her ready and I’m now 45 minutes behind schedule. On the way to work, there is a detour. And I get stuck behind a school bus in a residential neighborhood on the detour. Can anyone tell me WHY busses stop at every blessed driveway? What happened to the days the kids all walked to one corner? By the time I get to work, I feel like I’ve been in a war.
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Day was fine and I get myself all pumped up again to finish the things at home that I’d strategically delayed.

Plan: Leave work on time, pick up the girl, straight home, fold laundry while she’s in the shower, cook meal for the week while she’s eating dinner & watching Wubbzy. (yeah, yeah….it works for a single Mom) Get her to bed, clean up kitchen & go to bed early to make up for last night.

How it actually went down: Worked 40 minutes late finishing a last minute project that got dumped on me. Picked up Bianca just as the center was closing. She takes a major header into a dirt pile while skipping to the car and skins her knee in 3 places. I carry her back inside where teachers happily stay to help her get cleaned up and bandaged. My drama queen continues to sob and insists on being carried, can’t get into the car by herself. Says she needs an ice pack. So we stop at CVS where she now has decided she also needs a bottle of water. And a lollipop.

She is walking like Igor of the Dungeon, hobbling and dragging her injured leg behind her like it's a clubfoot. When I try to speed her up she lets out a pitiful whining cry. We finally make it out of CVS to home where she needs to limp over to the neighbors house, as she can see them eating dinner in the window, and tell them about her injury. I get her inside and she wants dinner first. But not the dinner I planned for her, no. She wants the food I put aside for my lunch the next day. Whatever….just eat it. I go upstairs to fold laundry, she doesn’t want to be alone so she follows me. Except she thinks she can’t walk up the stairs so I have to show her how to do it without bending her knee. Good….time for a shower. Of course, my little patient now can’t do it by herself. She’s much too fragile. Oh the holy horror of it all. Every article of clothing is a project with a piercing whine that’s morphed into a single word of “MahBooBoooooooo!!” Finally get her filthy clothes off & into the shower and the water stings her. I go to take off the band-aid the teachers put on (really wasn’t big enough) and she is running in circles in the tub screaming “MahBooBooMahBooBooMahBooBooooooo!! No! No! No!” I get soaked as I hold her and tell her I’m not going to hurt her. Every time I get a fraction of inch away from the bandaid, she pulls her knee away and says “Gentle, Mama!! GENTLE, Be GENTLE!!!!!” I haven’t even touched her yet! I get it off finally and pour peroxide on the scrapes b/c they were very dirty. You would think I amputated her knee cap the way she looked at me and did the silent, red-faced scream of excruciation! Complete with gasps of breath and then a wail that finally emerged as I rinsed it off and poured on a second dose. “Oooouuuuuuuuuuuuccccchhhhhh, the bubbles sting, they sting, the bubbles they sting and I don’t want any more of the bubbles!!! Mamaaaaaa!” Nope, all done with the “bubbles”. We move on to washing the rest of her off when she discovers there has been a secondary injury!! She also skinned her side kindof over her hip bone. She realizes this after she put soap on it and then grabs the water to rinse it off spraying me and half the bathroom in the process. I get her all rinsed off and all she can do is hobble in the tub whimpering “MahBooBoo *sniffle* MahBooBoo *sniffle* MahBooBoo” Doesn’t want me to dry her off, is crying for a band aid, doesn’t want the towel but shivering because she’s cold. I end up basically throwing a nightie onto her wet body and I try to gently pat her knee so I can get it dry for a bandaid but no. Torture. I send her to get started going downstairs since it takes her 10 minutes now. I douse her clothes in Zout & OxyClean to start working on the dirt and put them in the bathroom sink to soak. Go to the stairs where she’s sitting & crying. It’s 9:00 at this point, an hour past bedtime already. I help her limp downstairs and I comb her hair while she finishes dinner complete with moaning & groaning between each bite. Finally her knee has air dried so I prepare to remedy it. I start with some Bactine spray, the stuff that numbs cuts. I spray her knee and she wails that it stings. I point to the words on the bottle, as if she can read them with me, and say “Do you see this?? Sting-Free!! Numbs on contact!! I’ve used this before and I know it does not sting!!” Realizing she’s been trapped, she retorts indignantly “Well, it is very, very WET on my boo-boo!! AND.....it’s stinky!” Aye-yay-yay, this kid. It dries up and I get out the jumbo bandaid. She’s very pleased that her injury is deserving of the giant bandage. I smear antibiotic ointment on it and she gasps when I put it on her cut. I give her this crazed, wide eyed look which clearly conveyed my thoughts of “do not even tell me this stings!!” and she mutters “Boy, that medicine sure is cold!” Finally, 9:30, and we’re limping back up to bed where she’s losing her will to fight me and only has to tell me twice to be careful putting covers on her and not to touch “MahBooBoo.” I go to my bedroom to close the sliding glass door so I can set the alarm and as I do, my screen door falls completely out of the tracks and out onto the deck. I stare. I shrug. I close the glass door. I am drained as I go into the bathroom to wash my face and realize her clothes are soaking in the sink and I have to deal with those first. I sigh. Miss “I-Have-The-Ears-Of-A-Predatory-Hawk” hears this noise and starts calling out “What? What?” I said “It’s nothing, honey”. “Yes, yes…you made a noise like this. (sigh) I heard you make that noise. What? I want to know everything!” Oy vey, is she me!!! I explain to her satisfaction, kiss her goodnight and run downstairs.
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I sit shell shocked for a minute as I realize I’ve done nothing I needed to do tonight. I evaluate my situation and realize I simply can’t push off the cooking to another night. Spend an hour cooking then a little longer cleaning up and portioning out food into bowls for her school lunches. Chanting most of the time “Just get it done. Just get through it. Just get it done. Just get through it.” I drag myself upstairs at 11:30, look at the pile of laundry on my bed, thank God that the pants I want to wear tomorrow are laying on top. I put them on a hanger and I throw the rest on my floor without even caring. And finally go to sleep. This morning came much too quickly and I, again, had an overtired girl which resulted in quite a similar morning to yesterday. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I am shot.

Don't Cry Out Loud....

You know how sometimes, something that you have known for a long time suddenly takes an unexpected twist in your mind? For a long time, I’ve been very aware of my issues with food and I’ve been aware that this started with my family. They are a family of food-soothers. Whenever I was sad, upset, angry, whatever….I was fed. Soothe it with food.

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Friday morning I was driving to work and Bianca was extremely upset. It was a rough morning for her, emotionally. She got up early and asked me if she could watch TV in my bed. I told her yes but that I’d have to turn it off before the show was over because we needed to leave for school/work by a certain time. I told her if she was able to work with me and get ready quickly, she could watch TV for a few more minutes before we left while I dried my hair AND we’d have time to stop at Starbucks for tea & hot chocolate. Well, she spent so much time standing still crying when I turned off the TV that we were late in leaving so there was no more TV and no Starbucks. She pretty much cried for a straight hour and a half. I empathized with her and told her that I understood her disappointment. At one of the calmer moments, I took the opportunity to (again) explain the concept about consequences of decisions.

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In any case, I found my mind wandering to my Mother. When my Mom witnesses any kind of emotional outburt from Bianca, she is very quick to try to squelch it. Not in an obvious or angry way. But I realized that my Mom does this not just because she can't stand to see Bianca unhappy but because my Mother cannot deal with emotions. I think it's a major trigger for her and one she is not able to deal with AT ALL. It was a seemingly tiny differential but it made me realize something big.
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For a long time, I've believed that I soothed my emotions with food. But I'm not soothing. There has been nothing TO soothe. I use the food to keep the emotions from being identified or felt at all. That was my mother's MO. Distract and give her something that makes her happy before there is some show of discontent. For the love of God, let us not exibit any bad feelings. No wonder I'm able to absolutely zone out on food. It's obviously unnerving to my Mom when I let Bianca feel, express and work through her emotions. She becomes agitated and edgy. It certainly doesn't make me happy when Bianca is having a hard time but I'm glad that I can allow her the experience that will better ground her for life. I'm still working on it for myself, though.

Child Abuse Spikes In Poor Economy

This is a news story I saw on Yahoo yesterday. Link to the entire article is here. I never thought about this correlation.

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In a nutshell, the stress of job losses and financial strain is driving parents to the point that they take their anger out on their children in the form of severe physical abuse. Other situations are those of neglect, children who are being left alone or not receiving necessary medication for chronic conditions because parents can no longer afford the basics.

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At one hospital in MA, they treated 16 children for "shaken-baby syndrome" in all of 2008. So far this year, she's already treated 25. Some parents are arrested and prosecuted, and their children put in the care of relatives or foster families. But overwhelmed and underfunded agencies are not able to keep pace with the rise. Many state agencies and hospital are grappling with the increases while facing budget cuts. In Massachusetts, for example, the Department of Children and Families in charge of protecting children from abuse expects to see its budget cut by $25 million in fiscal 2010.

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Who will protect these children?? It breaks my heart.

NEED

I saw Susan tonight. We talked primarily about Question #9 in the post below. About why I had the urge to contact Tom after I saw him at the ER. It was fairly easy for me to get to the bottom of that urge. What disappointed and angered me after I put my finger on the answer was the realization that I've been here before. I don't recall what prompted it before but I had the exact same conclusion after a previous situation with Tom. I asked Susan how I end up stuck here and what I have to do to move past it.
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Susan asked me what I was looking for in my fantasy. In this fantasy I have where I give Tom/my father the opportunity to see the pain they created in my life, what would it give to me if either of them took the bait and told me how sorry they were for what they had done. Validation, I answered in a moment of honesty. But then the armor goes up and the anger returns. "But I don't NEED it. I don't need their stupid validation. *I* know what I've been through. I don't need either of them to know it or admit it. It doesn't change anything."
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Susan told me to notice the intense resistance I have to the idea that I *need* validation of my pain. I said "Of course I'm resistant to it. I don't want to need it because I'm not going to get it. It doesn't do me any good to need it."
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One of Susan's little catch phrases: "You can only heal what you feel" She tells me that the need exists now because the need existed then when I was a little girl. It wasn't met then and so I've stuffed it away and denied it. The need still exists today because I've continued to deny it. She said I need to acknowledge that the need exists and that it was/is a human need I had/have as his daughter. She asked me to tell her what it would mean to connect emotionally to that need.
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Inevitable Disappointment. That's what it would mean.
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Yes, Susan said....because as a child, I learned it was no good to have needs. At the very least needs will not be met. Or worse, I would even be punished for having or stating needs. It became safer to not have them at all.
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Susan said to release the rational thoughts that try to explain all this away; allow an emotional connection to the pain of not having my needs met as a child. For about 3 seconds, I made the connection and then something happened that I probably can't do justice to in an explanation. My mind literally attacked this connection and assaulted it. I could see it in my head as if this connection was being beaten down by a group of other hateful thoughts who were shouting "You're making this up! This isn't true! It's not as bad as you think it was! Get over yourself! Quit exaggerating!" They beat this new connection right down into submission until it was afraid to re-emerge. I've never experienced something like that in my life and it was bizarre.
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I love that Susan never makes me feel crazy when I experience such odd things. Yes, she said, so understanding....sometimes you can only allow a connection for a short period because it's so painful. She said I stopped acknowledging my needs long ago because they brought on too much pain and discomfort. This is why I detest my humanity.....because being human means needing. And I hate to need because need equals rejection and pain. How I will manage to make a connection to this need again, I have no idea. But apparently it's what I need to do in order to work it out.

Facing My Roadblock

So the following (minus the answers to the questions) was written on April 6th....clearly I've been avoiding the topic.
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Previously, I had a situation with my friend "D" that I posted about here. The following night, he called, knowing I was out at choir rehearsal, and left a message on my voicemail that said "I wanted to call and apologize about last night but I was in a bad mood and you were being whiney. I wasn't in the mood to deal with whining. Could've handled it better, should've handled it better so I'm sorry." Frankly, not an apology in my book when it pretty much says "You were being a pain in the ass so I was forced to hang up to not deal with you."
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The night after that, I talked to Susan about it. She basically said that my wanting to just shut the door on the situation is not about me wanting to avoid D. It's about wanting to avoid me and whatever feelings and questions have to be dealt with now. I was most irritated with the situation because it did bring to mind many questions about me/us/the point of the friendship.....questions I had no intention of answering if I didn't have to. And I've not done anything since I talked to Susan.
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So, before I go to bed tonight, I'm going to pose some questions to myself that I will come back and answer hopefully tomorrow. (or a week later.....)
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1. What have I been gaining from my friendship with D? I gain a certain type of non-threatening companionship. As much as I say I hate "fluff" relationships, it's sort of what I have with D. We talk about great topics...politics, news, world events & history. We talk about day to day stuff. But we never really delve into huge emotional issues. He doesn't know alot of my past, struggles, family issues. He's someone I call at the end of my day, after Bianca is in bed, and I shoot the breeze with him. We laugh, we solve the worlds problems, we talk about movies or silly things. And he's 3000 miles away. No risk.
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2. What is his honest role in my life? I would have to honestly admit that I've slotted him into this sortof pseudo-boyfriend role where I talk to him nearly every night. I know he has developed feelings for me and I hate to say that while I don't reciprocate those feelings, I don't do enough to make it clear to him that I don't feel the same as he. Yes, I say it sometimes that we're just friends but, by my actions, I'm sure I'm sending a different message because it serves my purpose.
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3. What is it that prevented me from wanting to go any further with him? I don't understand enough about relationships and love at this point to know how a healthy relationship develops but I can say with a fair amount of certainty he's not the "right" person for me. Some things that happened the first time around gave me an indication that he's not in the right place for me to consider him as a potential partner. For one, when we first started talking, he ran right up into the clouds and told me he wanted to marry me and adopt Bianca. This was within a few weeks of starting to talk and having never met in person. He told me he didn't need to meet me to know he loved me. And there was the whole debacle with him hanging up on me the first time around as well as this time, which is what prompted me to stop talking to him again. I don't think I'm ready for any relationship right now but having D kind of fulfills a certain desire to have a relationship of sorts without any of the complications that go with a real relationship. Now that a "complication" has arisen, I don't even want to deal with it. As if it's intruded on my good time.
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4. Is my friendship with him benefitting me in any real and healthy way? Well, I'd have to say that the unhealthy aspect outweighs the rest. I can't say it's not healthy to have someone to talk to and laugh with. But it's become increasingly obvious that keeping him in the position I have is really serving to keep me from dealing with my feelings about starting a real relationship &/or facing whatever my fears are about just being alone. Re-reading this....I don't think it's fear of being alone. I think it's just feeling lonely for friendship.
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5. Was I waiting for a reason to jump on ending our friendship or is this justified? Hmm, I ask good questions! He was planning to come visit in May and I wasn't looking forward to that in the least. In fact, I was downright dreading it and looking for a way out. Why? I didn't want my "pseudo" crashing into my real life. So perhaps I was looking for a reason to end our friendship but that doesn't mean it's not justified. I don't think that D's action were so egregious that they warrant an end to our friendship. But I think the conclusions I've come to since then tell me that, for my own sake, this is justified. I don't think it's good for me anymore.
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6. Why do I want to run away from the situation and is it healthy for me to do that? My first instinct is to delete this question and pretend I didn't ask it of myself. That leads me to believe I'm touching on something important that I don't want to face. I think I'm feeling stupid or guilty, maybe both. I realize that I made some mistake with D. I admit that I've used him to an extent without being honest about my intentions. Maybe this is some sort of shame about not handling something perfectly and about possibly causing a degree of hurt to someone else out of my own selfishness.
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7. Explore my feelings that I "owe" him some sort of explanation or closure. What is that about? This is the old theme of other people's feelings being more important than my own. I do feel like I owe him an explanation. I'm also projecting my own feelings of rejection and worrying that I need to somehow find a way to soften this into being my fault for his sake. In honesty, I'm not sure what to do at this point and so I'll move onto the next question since it segues from this one.....
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8. What now, as far as he's concerned? I'm looking for feedback on this one, really. Do I call him and offer an explanation? What if being honest with him is more revealing than I'm willing to be? Do I call and offer a vague explanation? Or do I just leave it alone and never speak to him again? Neither feels right. I could email as a middle ground but that feels too impersonal and cop-out. The thing is that I don't want to face his questions if I call him to offer an explanation. And at this point, I know he will be bitter. I don't want to deal with that either.
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And the "bonus material" question:
9. Why the overwhelming urge to email Tom since I saw him in the ER? What is that about? This actually proved to be the easiest question to answer. I was giving it thought last night as I was driving home because I was, again, feeling like I really wanted to reach out to him. Oh yeah....this is some serious projection of my father issues. When I broke it down and asked myself what I would really want the outcome to be.....I'm looking for Tom to feel bad for hurting me. I want him to be sorry and to tell me. I want to keep interjecting myself into his life until he finally realizes how his issues and his rejection tore my life apart. I want to keep giving him an opportunity to figure that out and to apologize to me. The logical side of me is well aware that it's been 2 years since we broke up and he's long since over it. It's me who keeps holding on and looking for a resolution I'm never going to get. And in the bigger picture....it's been a lifetime waiting for my father to figure out the error of his ways. So, I realize what it is....but how do I let that go? How do I find a way to resolve it within myself? And, um...if there is a way to accomplish that without feeling things or doing inner child work, I'd be most grateful. :o)

Blah.

I feel like crap. Not even sure what the ailment is..... maybe a cold, sinuses, allergies or flu? It seems it doesn't fit into one category and every time I take medication for one set of symptoms, then I feel something else. And I'm supposed to sing at church on Sunday. *sigh*

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Update, Saturday: Woke up this morning feeling like I'd been whacked square in the face with a sledgehammer. My sinuses so swollen (Gross Alert...) that the product of my first sneeze came out my mouth. That was a first. Aaaand hopefully a last as well. I whimpered in bed for an hour. Sad, sad puppy. Eventually my Mom brought me sudafed and mucinex. I called my Dr & they told me to go to the ER. Hate doing that but I know I need antibiotics. So there I am with Bianca sitting on the little exam partition. I look up and who is standing in the hallway about 30 feet in front of me? Tom. My ex. Who Bianca has not seen in 2 years and I really don't want her to see him. Frankly I didn't want him to see me either since I look like a pile of poop right now! I lept up and drew the curtain in front of us. Unbelievable. And the last time I was there, I ran into Tom's best friend & sister. Can't I get away from that man?
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In any case, they gave me 4 zithromax in the ER to take on the spot plus a RX for a Z-pack. And told me to keep taking sudafed, mucinex, add in some tylenol b/c I do have a fever, stay out of work for 3 days and follow up with my PCP mid-week. I already "called out" for everything I was supposed to do tomorrow. I haven't felt this horrible in a long time.