Six years

Six years.  That is how long one prescription of Xanax has lasted me.  I still have a few rolling around in the bottle.  Good to know they still work.  But sad to report I had to test their effectiveness this weekend.  Was this an ironic lesson?

My last post about my feelings on how to deal with B's focus issues mentioned how I am so steadfastly opposed to medication.  I am a naturopathic girl, all the way.  Yet the panic and anxiety attacks I suffered this weekend were some of the worst I have ever had.  After two nights of living hell, I caved to a Xanax last night and enjoyed a peaceful nights sleep.  Even though I had to live with the Xanax "hangover" this morning.....eh, it was a good excuse to stop at Starbucks. 

So, maybe sometimes, despite my beliefs and good intentions.....drugs can be a solution. 

.................................Nah, I still hate myself for even thinking about it.

I still feel I am suffering from depression but I just refuse to go the anti-depressant route again.  I did not like how they made me feel.  I felt so numb.  And coming off them was a stone cold nightmare.  Unless I am in danger of throwing myself off a cliff, I will get through this without.  I'd like to return to acupuncture but I'm still waiting to hear back from the Dr after my freak-out a couple weeks ago.  I asked them to remove the offending substance from their office on the days I am there.  They were not sure how to answer me on that.  I have to think about how I will handle this if they come back unwilling to do so.  Spiteful me wants to say that I'm done going there and ask for a refund of all the treatment plan money I have pre-paid.  But I really have to think about what is best.  B has benefitted greatly from her treatments there and so have I.  There are not really many other options for me to change practices.  I dunno.  I got nothin.

Kinda......Lost.

I think I might be depressed.  I feel like I'm in a hole every day at one point or another.  I have regular thoughts of hating my life and wondering what the hell the purpose of it all is.  I'm not suicidal or anything.  I just feel kinda.....lost.  Or maybe just alone. I think it's more than I can ponder at this moment without completely falling apart.  As much as I really probably need that emotional release, there is never a convenient time to lose it.  KWIM?  Life must go on.

B's school struggles and focus issues have been heavy on my mind.  A recent conversation challenged my course of action and it was exceedingly uncomfortable for me.  I mean, I know that I don't take (perceived) criticism or even advice well at all.  But I had to consider why I felt so overwhelmingly threatened when I know the statements were well intended.

Here is the thing......I don't even really believe in ADD.  I'm not looking to open a debate about it.  I understand many people deal with it and everyone chooses their own course with the intent to do right by their child.  That is wonderful.  My own personal feeling is that it is very real symptoms caused by a variety of sources but it is not inherent to the sufferer.  I've read enough information and case studies that I feel comfortable in my belief. That's just me and that is all I need to worry about right now.

Despite that, I am *considering* having B evaluated for "ADD" and going another route to help her.  Here is the problem in that...... while medication may help alleviate her symptoms, I feel it is the worst, most horrible, harmful cop out I could ever consider.  I am vehemently opposed to drugs and to big pharmaceuticals in general.  I KNOW that I could improve her symptoms with a combination of diet, naturopathic therapies &/or herbal supplements and behavioral therapy.  Unfortunately, unless I win the lottery and can quit my job, I do not have the time and the resources to do so.  And that makes me feel like a total failure.  I absolutely feel like I have given up on her, am throwing up my hands and just caving to the easy instead of doing what I believe is right.  And I hate myself every second for it.  Yes, even if it works.  

B's father reached out to me this morning.  God, what bad timing.  I want to spill my guts to him and ask for his input.  I want to ask him to step up.  I want to tell him that she needs him, *I* need him.  Blah.  I want to tell him that she was upset yesterday.  Her karate instructor asked for help after classes on Saturday with taping the floor mats.  He said the moms cut the tape, the kids run it to the dads and the dads do the taping.  B thought we would not be allowed to help because she doesn't have a dad.  It's the little stuff like that that comes out of nowhere and reminds you all the small ways she feels that absence.  I wish I had someone in this with me who could be a sounding board, another set of eyes, another valued opinion of where we should go next in this journey. 

Negative

I feel like one big giant ball of negative right now.  I am so unhappy and it feels too overwhelming to find the bright side.  So I'm going to wallow in my sea of negative for a few minutes. 

1. I cannot seem to stay on track with my diet.  I am up, I am down.  I am disgusted with myself.  It should motivate me to stay focused but instead it just makes me want to eat more.

2. My hair is falling out.  Like in giant clumps & handfuls.  Every day.  My hair has always been a bit of a trademark for me and it makes me sick to my stomach to see what it is becoming.  I can see patches of scalp through it and it's a strugle to make it look good.  This is somehow tied into my diet.  When I started dieting a few years ago, my hair loss increased.  Then I went off my diet for about a year and managed to gain 30lbs back but also my hair grew back in.  Then I went back on my diet in May and within 2 weeks, my hair started falling out in droves.  My Dr has theorized all kinds of things.  But there is no test that supports his thoughts.  My thyroid is normal, my blood sugar is stable.  I know that it is stress & hormone related.  My theory is that, when I diet, I am under higher stress.  My cortisol levels go up.  I obsess about every calorie, every daily success or failure.  I obsess about my lack of progress toward my goal.  And at the same time, in the process of dieting, I lose my comfort which is eating.

3. The situation with Bianca's father and my utter lack of control over any aspect of it.  My worry and panic that I'm screwing it all up.  Feeling like no one else really gets where I am with this.  I feel alone.

4. Speaking of alone.....I've not been in a relationship in forever.  I want it but the thought of the work involved in getting into one is too much to handle right now.  Plus being that I am right now fat and balding, I'm not really feeling all that attractive.  Yet still, the other day, I decided maybe I would reactivate my profile on a dating website and just see what happens.  Back in August, I had fraudulent charges on my credit card and had to fight the charges, cancel the card and go through the process of re-establishing everything that I had attached to that card for auto-payment purposes.  That was the day before I went on vacation, it was a total PITA.  One of the fraudulent charges was to this dating website.  I learned yesterday, because of that, I have been banned from their site.

5. One of the things that led me back to that dating site is that my BFF recently met a great guy and, by all accounts, they are developing a relationship.  I feel like she has been really "not there" for me since this started.  I texted her the revelation I came to in my last post about why I freaked out when I called my therapist for an appointment.  She didn't reply and I finally texted her again the next day to ask her if she got my text at all.  She said she did and then she asked me if I'd had any thoughts about why I reacted the way I did when I first called her.  Hello??  That is everything that my text was just about!!!

6. My other BFF has also been a little self absorbed lately and that's fine....he's in the midst of a job change but I feel like he leaves me hanging so often.  There is also this small issue of the fact that he has owed me a large sum of money for many years now.  We discussed it once about 3 years ago and he said he would start paying me back but he never did.  It pisses me off that he has not acknowledged it again and I have no idea what his intention is.  I don't want to bring it up, there never seems to be a "good" time to broach the subject.  As I said, he is in between jobs now so not the right time to bring it up.  When IS a good time??  I confess, this is a very different "BFF" relationship.  You may have picked up on the "he" part of this paragraph.  I relate SO differently to men and women.  I admit, I don't want to "rock the boat" with him.  I am afraid I will upset him by asking for repayment.  I love him as my friend but there is always an underlying feeling tucked away that I could love him in a more romantic capacity.  I always think there is a potential "someday" for us.  If not, I am okay with that.....he is extremely important as my friend and that can be enough.  But I find I just approach him differently in so many ways because he is a HE.

7. Expanding on that thought.....when I need an ear I go to either one of my BFF's but I definitely find I am WAY more apt to open up to HE than to SHE.  I embrace advice from him but I get defensive about advice from her.  I think that has zero to do with them personally.  I think this speaks to my issues with my mother.  I feel like anger has bubbled back up in me lately toward her.  I find she cannot do right by me in my own head.  Everything she says annoys me.  When we talk, I put a huge distance between us and cross my arms.....protective.  I think I feel a sense of defiance when it comes to taking advice from another woman because my mother never had a shred of advice or instruction for me.  I had to figure it out on my own.  I don't know.....I'm not hitting the core of this one.  Something to ponder another day.

8. There is just this general lack of purpose, lack of satisfaction.  I feel rushed all the time.  I feel like I have failed my daughter in big ways that I see concrete evidence of.  I feel like I am not accomplishing anything at home or at work.  And I feel like all I do does not matter.  Who am I really helping?  What am I contributing to this world?  I feel so utterly insignificant.

Would You Like Fries With That?

Okay, so I was all happy-happy high on life when I wrote that last post. I've said that I won't be afraid to be honest when I write now. But I've got a confession to make. I was afraid to publish that feel-good post. Afraid that by declaring my happiness, the universe would surely strike me down with immediate and epic misery.

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So, on Friday, I had a crappy day at work. I had to do a software upgrade which requires all employees be out of the system for a period of time. I will spare you all the boring details but absolutely nothing about it went as planned and what was supposed to be a 20 minute process took me 6 1/2 hours. During which time, everyone was "shooting the messenger" (me) and basically not following my instructions which caused extra delays. I had a personal errand I needed to run during the day to prepare for weekend plans and I was not able to do that. I was grumpy. And I was struggling with keeping it all in perspective. And, I can admit, I was being a martyr about it. I could not let it go. I allowed it to ruin my night.

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I went to therapy on Saturday. First time in a month. I was telling my T all about how good I'm doing and how happy I'm feeling. I was telling her about my weight loss and how I have all this energy and blah blah. And then I talked about Friday and my crappy day. And I talked about the father & family thoughts that were plaguing me earlier in the month. She goes "Look, you just went out and binged on emotional fast food!" She pointed out what talking about the negative did to my mood, energy and aura.

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This is what Eckhart Tolle refers to as "the pain body." It is something that needs to be fed. I made a statement in my last post that I have not always believed that I have the strength to heal emotionally but that I'm going to choose to believe it. With this choice, I need to also choose not to feed the pain body. And I also need to roll with the fact that I'm going to have bad days, disappointments, things that don't go as planned. But they need not rock my world. I can still choose my positive energy. This is somewhat unfamiliar territory and the pain body wants to go back to the accustomed misery. But I'm so done with that.

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So here is my work in this phase. Finding balance. Not allowing my pain body to demand fodder. Not allowing a bad day to make me believe I was falsely happy before. Not to allow fear of happiness to stop me from moving ahead. Susan, my T, says FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. My fears are that I can't heal, I can't be strong enough, I don't deserve happiness and that any happiness I do muster up is a temporary illusion. Those beliefs are indeed false and they serve me no more.

Promising

I've been going to Acupuncture for almost 6 months now. Last month, I had a re-evaluation that showed a 55% overall improvement in my symptoms since I started. We've worked mainly on stress relief, chronic pain, management of anxiety. I'm happy to report I'm more relaxed, I sleep better and I'm weaning off my anxiety medication.
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We have talked about working on my eating disorder but hadn't really started treating it until last week. My eating disorder is actually a food addiction. My Dr. did his internship at an inner city hospital treating Meth & Heroin addicts with acupuncture. With success. So last week, we decided it was time to make this the primary focus of my appointments. The addiction points are in the ears as you may have gathered from the pic. So last week, he did 6 points in my ears. Interesting sensation. The day he did it, I didn't feel any difference in my cravings. The following two days, they felt somewhat reduced. I went back on Monday of this week. He did 8 ear points. I could tell something serious was going on in my body from how I felt as I lay there. I felt as if my body was curled backwards in a circle, almost like I was laying over a big medicine ball. Those disjointed feelings always indicate that the flow of energy has been out of whack. The result was so radical, I am still shocked.
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Let me back up to a typical night with this food addict.... Generally, Bianca and I eat dinner together, I put her to bed and then the binging begins. But even before the binge, I'm setting it up in my head. If there are leftovers from dinner I leave them sitting out on the kitchen counter. While I'm in the kitchen, I'm mentally and visually scanning what will be part of the night binge. My mind is fully occupied with this. If there are leftovers that are getting old, I know they will need to be eaten because I can't possibly let them go to waste. Waste is a huge thing for me with food. (Long complex explanation but basically I attach human qualities to food and it pains me to "reject" it by throwing it away.) After Bianca is in bed, I go back downstairs and immediately immerse myself in the binge. Starting with the leftovers if there are any. Followed by whatever else I'd planned or I find as I go through my routine. I continue until I feel "done" which is an ambiguous feeling. "Done" can mean I just feel like I've had enough...something hit "the spot" or I just plain feel sick. It may mean I can't seem to fill the emptiness so I give up and go to bed. It can mean it's late and I know I need to get some sleep. It could be that I'm overcome by disgust and remorse. Whatever the case, "done" is generally unpleasant.
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Now let me tell you about Monday night, after Acupuncture. Bianca and I stopped for Chinese take out because it was really late and I knew I would not have time to cook the meal I planned. Chinese is something I never save leftovers of because it does not reheat well, IMHO! So normally, I would leave it out and consume it after B is in bed. Instead, this night, I ate most of what was on my plate and I felt pleasantly sated. Bianca finished and I threw everything leftover in the garbage. Including the heinously irresistable little fried dough pillows from heaven that are rolled in sugar and melt in your mouth. Right in the garbage, no second thought. As I cleaned up from dinner and threw away the leftovers, I had no thoughts of food. There was no scanning, scheming, planning for what was next. There was not a care of food. Before I went to bed, I had a small sugar free popsicle while I was using the computer. There was no need, no urgency, no addictive behavior associated with it. It was a full 180 experience for me. And one I loved. I felt so free of the prison of addictive thoughts and behavior. I can only hope this is what's in store for me as I continue the acupuncture treatment.
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I didn't expect it to last since we're just at the beginning stages. Yesterday was not as good as Monday but not as bad as my typical behavior. Today, I feel the real urges coming back. I'm okay with that, though. Like I said, I didn't expect it to "stick" yet. I've only had 2 treatments for a problem that's plagued me for a lifetime. But it's a promising start.

And I say, again, Seriously????

So I made a decision this week to stay off Yahoo, Facebook, Blog, etc during the day so that I could focus on nothing but work. I'm behind and need to get some things done. I swear my body is allergic to organization!! I went to bed at 9:30 last night which is insanely early for me. Wake up at 3am with horrific pain in my eye. Hmmm....I've been here before....
I've got the viral conjunctivitis again....the one that requires isolation and takes 2-4 weeks to resolve. I'm in the office to gather my things and then I'm headed to the doctor then home. I think it's hilarious, for lack of a better word, that the circumstances are so similar to the last time. At least this time I didn't have a migraine, too. (Hope I didn't just jinx myself!!)

Open the Barn

So I've been ruminating an idea for a while. One that seems a little unconventional. And one I'm almost embarassed to admit to.
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Hypnosis
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I know nothing about it really. I heard an ad on the radio a couple months back for a center in my state. It's not terribly close to me but I have been pondering calling them. I looked up their website on the internet and I was intrigued. I bookmarked it and tucked it away in my head.
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With the new year here, it's time to start focusing on some goals again and dealing with my food issues is front & center in my mind. I went to check out the bookmarked website and wouldn't you know it? The site was temporarily unavailable. I tried a different search just to see if I could get the phone# for the center. What came up instead? A woman right here in my town with 25 years experience, loads of testimonials, even some from compulsive eaters/food addicts, like myself. Her site says she can help with (among other things) weight, cravings, anxiety, stress, motivation, concentration, migraines, abuse issues, self esteem.
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I decided to call her, expecting an answering machine but she answered the phone. She shared her history with me and how she got into this field. It was quite interesting! She told me that hypnosis is nothing more than the acceptance of suggestions. Traditional hypnosis is done by direct suggestion. "You will no longer want to binge." She said "this is like mowing the lawn to get rid of the weeds. The seed, the root, is still below the surface." She is specially trained to use an age regression technique, a deeper work to get rid of the "root". She said I will always be fully aware and fully in control. She can't make me say or do anything that I would not normally do in real life.
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The subconscious thinks it's bringing us comfort. It kicks in to protect us when it senses anything that it identifies as a potential threat to our physical or emotional self. It is ageless, timeless, does not know "right" or "wrong" and it loves repetition. It cannot be reasoned with through the conscious mind. I know where my food issues began. I was taught to soothe with food and, even though it no longer serves me, it's now my learned behavior even when I don't want it. She said "you can't undo life but you can undo emotions." She said "We were never taught what to DO with all those emotions and how to handle them in a productive and healthy way. So what I will do with you is open the barn door and start shoveling manure until we hit cement!" (I *love* that statement!!)
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I got a really, really good vibe from her. She told me she usually takes 4-6 sessions with someone. After 4, she will know if it's going to be effective. She's not even 10 minutes away from me at work but each session is 2 hours. I should be able to swing that for 4-6 weeks (once a week). So I made an appointment for a free consultation with her next week to talk more in depth about what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm very interested. I don't know if it will work for me but I feel like I've hit a plateau with therapy. I mean...I LOVE my T, don't get me wrong. But I still feel "stuck" in this same place as far as my eating disorder is concerned and I wonder if maybe this may help me by addressing it in a different way. In fact, I feel very stuck in my conscious mind...I try to intellectualize the problem. I try to reason with it. I can't make that transition to the subconscious, probably one of the reasons that inner child work is near impossible for me. She told me that during hypnosis, senses are enhanced 3-4,000 times what they normally are. I feel like this is worth a try for me and I hope I gain some positive benefit.

On The Cusp

I feel as if I'm at the brink of some potentially huge things in my life and in my healing. A crossroads, of sorts.

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I have been receiving acupuncture treatments for about 8 weeks now. I sought this avenue in hopes it would help my body energy, my Qi (pronounced Chee), to start moving. It seemed hopelessly stuck and I was holding tremendous tension in a few select areas of my body. I can tell in the short time I've been seeing this Dr that I've had a large improvement. I have had this pain in my shoulder for 10 years and it's been debilitating at times. When I began with this doc, I rated my pain on a 1-10 scale at an 8. Now I rate it at a 3 and there are days I'm pain free. Today he did the official re-evaluation and charted my results against my initial visit. I've had a 40% overall improvement with 13 sessions. Yes, I would say it's working for me! I'm much more in balance. Still not balanced, LOL, but getting better. We've made a plan for the coming 10 weeks which includes my attempting to do some Tai Chi, get more sleep (he gave me a natural sleep aid to help with busy brain nights which I took about 30 minutes ago), and attending a few seminars he gives at his office. Next one is on Trigger Point Stress Reduction....I'm all for that!!

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An interesting point. He measures different meridians of the body. Last time, I had 4 that were "deficient" (below normal level). This time I had only one. It's the bladder meridian. Dr asked if I had back pain or urinary issues. Nope. He delves futher into his materials to see what else can cause such a marked deficiency in this area. "Holding onto the past, inability to let go of old ideas" Bingo!!

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I feel like my primary goal with him is well on it's way. That was getting the Qi to start moving. Now requires some effort from me which will be harder but I know it's worth it. Now we're approaching dealing with my addiction as the next layer of treatment. In his internship, he worked with crack addicts using acupuncture and was moderately successful. If he can have moderate success with crack....surely there is a possibility for him to alleviate my food issues!? Time will tell. Time....and alot of needles in my ears!

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I say I am at a crossroads because, as I heal and change physically, I now face the question of what to do with that emotionally. If I experience emotions and my Qi flows and the feelings are actually being FELT.....now what?? How do I deal with that? Old coping mechanism says "eat. Binge. Stuff those feelings back down where they belong." If my body stops craving food as a means to disocciate and numb out....well then, do I choose to binge anyhow to avoid feeling? Of course the logical answer is NO....but I become scared. When I don't have the urge to binge, I'm frightened and I want to eat just because it's familiar. I know that I need to sit, breathe, relax and deal with the uncomfortable feelings of fear, anxiety, unfamiliarity. Feeling the feelings is still so threatening to me. Why? Really....why?? What do I think I can't deal with at this point? Nothing. Go back to the cause of the deficient bladder meridian.....I'm simply holding onto old thoughts and fears.

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Well, the good news is....I have a T appt in 20 minutes so I'll have more to say about that in a bit!!

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Well....it's really nothing I didn't already know. The thing is that I KNOW the truth in my head. I understand how illogical it is to be "afraid" to change for the better. I know and want all the right, healthy things. So why, why, why is it so difficult to jump over those branches and get to the other side. Unconscious messages, T says. Truly stuck in the unconscious. She said it's such a compelling theory that it fueled a kinetics study. They found that reversal statements helped release the unconscious negative belief. They found that people who made statements of affirmation, without first doing the reversal statement exercise, actually made their condition worse because it essentially pushed the unconscious belief deeper into the psyche. So T gave me a reversal statement to work on which I am to do at least one, hopefully two, cycles of this every day.

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It's never the quick fix, is it? But this is something I struggle with day in, day out.....the things I know in my head vs the things I can't seem to release from my heart. Anything and everything is worth a try to release myself from this prison.

Balance

Balance: stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis; equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements; equality between the totals of the two sides of an account; physical equilibrium; the ability to retain one's balance
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What is this strange feeling? Relaxation? Yes....but there's more. *Gasp* It's balance. I feel balanced.
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I went for an acupuncture treatment this morning. It was my fourth, if you count the disastrous first experience as a treatment. Which I actually do even though it was not fun. Today....today was better than fun. It verged on magical. It was, dare I say, spiritual. I'm happy to say that I respond really well to acupuncture. So fast that even the Dr is impressed! He put my needles in, felt my pulse and said one was strong and another weak. Asked if I would mind one more needle. Nope, no problem...make me into a porcupine if you want!! He pops the needle in and immediately feels my pulse again and it's already balanced out! He turns down the lights and leaves me for 20 minutes of zen-bliss!!
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I felt so in touch, so aware yet so peaceful and relaxed at the same time. I, again, had the odd sensations of being "crooked." This time was really strange because my head felt like it was bent as far to the side as it could go yet I could not tell which side it felt bent toward! The longer I was there, the deeper my relaxation. By the time the session was over, I was on the verge of nodding off but I felt like a new woman! It really did take me a few minutes to recognize that the subsequent feeling was balance. I don't often (err umm EVER) feel balanced. Wow, what a lovely feeling!
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After the session, I grabbed some Starbucks and had a 45 minute drive to think. My BFF, Jennie, has undergone some major progress in her emotional health lately. I'm going to admit that there is part of me that is a little envious of that. Last weekend something happened to her that she was happy about and I did not think it was as great as she did. I realized I've been almost hovering around waiting for some sort of "fallout" on her part. Waiting there to pick up the pieces because that's been one of my roles in her life for a long time. It has gotten better over time and I'd say we've reached a point in the past year or so where it's not totally unhealthy but today I was able to see that there is still an element of codependency there for me. When I'm helping her pick up the pieces of her life, I don't have to think about my own. When she is the one emoting all her fears, frustrations, disappointments there is no room for me to consider my own. I get to fix hers instead. Now that she seems to be really pulling herself together, I think about how that changes our "dance" and how it affects my world. Will I now be the "unstable" one? Will the pressure now be on me to do all the feeling, crying, venting, leaning? Yikes.
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On the other hand, I find myself really inspired by her progress and it makes me excited to do my own work. She could not have had a happier childhood or more loving parents. Sure they made their mistakes by virtue of being very young when they had her. But they are wonderful people. Our backgrounds are polar opposite so how we ended up with some of the same insecurities is a mystery that makes us both laugh! In any case, I've always taken the role of "big sis" or the "stronger" one. Now I see where she is and I feel that shifting. The prospect of now being the "weaker" one, and leaning on her for help or guidance, is not just unfamiliar.....it's dreadful. I'm not sure how I'm adapting to that. For me, and I'm sure many of you will relate to this, my "strength" is nothing more than my mask. It's nothing more than the sheer force of my determination not to let my feelings get the better of me. Not to be vulnerable. My strength is really my biggest weakness. The strongest, bravest thing I can do is to fall apart and let go. I feel like I'm being challenged....whether it's out of inspiration or competitiveness is another question. I'm not so sure it matters, though, as long as I get to where I need to be. As I proofread this, the thought occurs to me that I don't know why I need to think of us in terms of stronger/weaker instead of just equal individuals with each our own set of traits. I'm going to focus on that! And on the fact that I have her, and a few other "safe" friends who I know I can let down my guard with and not be judged.
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I haven't seen my T in a few weeks. Since Bianca started school and sports it's been tough to find a mutually agreeable time. I feel in need of her perspective. With the support of acupuncture and getting back into a regular schedule with her, I feel ready to come off my Effexor. I'm hoping to use one of the long holiday weekends to finish that process which means I'll need to start weaning in the next month or two. Which means I have to see my GP Dr. Which means I have to face medical issues I've been avoiding with her. Which means I want to find out when the acupuncture doc will be able to start working on addiction points (those are in the ears....not sure how I feel about needles in my ears!!). It's all tied up in a cyclical pattern which on any other given day could make me crazy and not want to deal with any of it. But I told myself this AM I will not let anything disturb my balance today. So I'm going to remember to breathe deeply and deal with it. One. Step. At. A. Time.

The Well is Empty

So....I survived Thursday and Bianca's first day. I cried for hours after dropping her off. Not just cried, like shedding tears. I sobbed. Wailing sobs. For hours.
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This is not something that is typical of me. At All. I generally reserve my emotions and cut off or stifle tears as quickly and rigidly as possible. This was beyond control. First of all, the last few weeks have been full of anxiety in preparation for that day. We had a long day on Weds. I barely slept Weds night because I was anxious and I was starting to get sick. All my strengths were down. As I wrote about in my previous post, dropping Bianca off at Kindergarten triggered me in all kinds of ways and the tears that ensued were a deep release of old, tightly bottled pain. I couldn't eat anything that morning. I was feeling pretty weak and run down when I headed off to my first acupuncture appointment.
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I assumed this was good timing for acupuncture. I felt like I was in a relaxed state after all that had happened so it would follow naturally I'd continue to be relaxed through the appointment. I was very excited for my first experience and to see what it was like. I was also excited for the 20 minutes in a dark room to reach a deep state of relaxation. So my Dr. comes in and explains the process. He tells me he is going to start easy with just a few points and work more on some of my peripheral issues as opposed to jumping into core issues. We're really laying a groundwork at the moment. So I feel a tap on my head like center of the forehead but above the hairline. He asks me how that was and I tell him I felt nothing but a tap. Excellent!! I've mentioned before that I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot. He squeezes a point on my right wrist, tells me to move my left shoulder & how does it feel? Sore, as always. Okay, squeezes another point on my right wrist, now how does the left shoulder feel? Ummmmm....it feels....good?!? So he pops me with a needle in that spot. Proceeds to put in a few more in each wrist/hand and a few more in my lower legs. Only one point "hurt" and I use that for lack of a better word. It was more just like I was aware of an unfamiliar sensation in that spot. Funny to note that, hours later, that spot was madly itchy!
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Anyway, he takes off my glasses and puts them somewhere on the counter. He turns down the lights to almost nil and tells me to relax, take a nap if I want. I need to "cook" for 20 minutes. So I'm laying there and sensations start abounding. I feel sort of floaty, spinny sensations. I feel "crooked" like my body is in a zigzag pattern. That has happened to me before with body energy work. Next I start to feel like the inside of my chest is cold, like I have a Vicks VapoRub under my skin! Aaaand then I start to feel a little clammy and unpleasant. I lay there, I breathe. Oh boy.....not good. Trying not to disturb the needles, I get up from the table and try to find my glasses which....you know...without them on, I can't see where they are! I feel my way over to the door and poke my head out with a meek "Excuse me??" The Dr comes running and I tell him I am feeling very nauseous. I ask him if he can pop another needle somewhere to help alleviate that and he says "I think we're past that point already" and tells me I don't look so good. He takes all the needles out, asks me if I want some water and I say no, I'm going to be sick. Holy moly......I was violently sick. VI-O-LENT!! When done, I am clinging to his sink, sweating, shaking. He asks if I want to sit down on the table. I say "No" and collapse on the floor. He and his assistant help me get my bearings and I lay down on the table. I ask "How many times has that happened??" None....of course. I'm the first in his seven years of practice. Excellent....love being a trendsetter!
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He said he knows I felt "relaxed" when I came in but in actuality, I was running on fumes. The well is Empty!! He pointed out I had not slept, I had not eaten and I'd had a massive "emotional purge" that morning. He said I was really functioning on adrenaline alone. When he tapped into my relaxation core and some digestive points, my blood sugar plummeted which he believes was responsible for the vomiting and hence a physical purge as well. He said the good news is that now we know you are highly receptive to acupuncture. Perhaps a little TOO receptive!! So they gave me some juice and had me hang out for a while before they would let me drive. I was supposed to go straight from there to pick up Bianca but I decided to take some self care, me-time. I went to Panera and got a bowl of soup and recuped. I go back on Tuesday morning for session #2 and, this time, someone is staying in the room with me!!!!
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Ending on a bright note, I went to pick up Bianca at the after school program and she didn't want to leave! She made a friend who happens to live right in our complex and really enjoyed herself. We were both exhausted last night and fell asleep on the couch together at 7pm! Dropoff this morning was easier on me, for sure. She was a little clingy but no tears. I can't wait to see her later and hear all about her day. And looking forward to a long weekend.

Not Hungry

Things have been crazy around here. I've not blogged but it's certainly not due to lack of material!

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Starting back last weekend, Friday Aug 21st. I'd planned Bianca's birthday party for Sat the 22nd. Now, every single year it has rained on the day of Bianca's party. I went out on a limb this year and planned an outdoor beach party but I put a backup party plan in place in case the weather phenomenon continued this year. Naturally, we seemed to be in the path of the hurricane this year and bad weather was looking imminent. No worries, I thought....I have my backup plan in place!

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The weather was bad Friday night and I ended up losing power at about 9pm. Right as I was getting all the food ready for the morning. *sigh* Afraid to open the fridge and let any cold air out, I decided to go to bed early so I could get up early since certainly the power would be back on by then. Oh what a night. Bianca was scared because it was so dark. I put candles in my bedroom and she slept in my bed. It was so dead quiet that I could hear the neighbors and every little creak & groan. It was about 90 degrees with no air or fans and Bianca kept snuggling closer and closer to me. Then the power company showed up around 2am and started digging right outside my unit. I did not sleep at all. Come 5am, I got up. Still no power. Weather questionable. Hot as blazes. I have a migraine. I'm worried about the food in my fridge and if it's gone bad. I get us both ready and as I'm about to start packing the car, the power comes back on. I'm frantically trying to put food on serving platters and I'm calling my contacts for the beach party to see if the weather dictates cancellation. I'm sick to my stomach. They are on the fence, tell me it's up to me. I'm carrying, packing, driving, calling, checking weather on radio & blackberry. If you live in this area, you will know a common local saying which is "If you don't like the weather in New England....wait a minute." Things change so quickly. I was so stressed out trying to figure out what to do and I finally made the executive decision to have the party at the backup location. Now, I'm driving, trying to listen to my GPS, passing bagels & milk to Bianca in the back seat, checking my party list and emailing or calling all the parents to tell them of change in plans while also trying to drink coffee and drive with my elbows. Fun. I will *NEVER* again book an outdoor party!!

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Party itself turned out to be a blast and the kids all had a great time at a small, family owned arcade. I worked hard during the party and was happy for some downtime afterwards where Bianca and I hung out and played games by ourselves. It absolutely torrentially downpoured on our way home and we had to make a mad dash for the door in the rain. I wanted to wait it out in the car but it was "too loud" for Bianca. She wanted to go inside. I was exhausted. I had not eaten anything all day. I'd had coffee & diet coke. And I'd forgotten my Effexor the night before. I was a mess.

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So here I have ALL this food in my house.....sanwiches, salads, cake, cookies, chips, etc....and the last thing I want to do is eat. Except I have ALL this food in my house and I begin to panic that I don't feel like eating. This is a completely foreign feeling to me. I know I've not eaten and I should have some protein. I feel mildly nauseous which is likely attributable to exhaustion and the migraine "hangover". I am literally trying to convince myself to go binge. Why? I was in a panic about all the food and if I don't start eating it in my usual methodical way it might go bad. Which in my mind, equals my "rejecting" food. And I may not have this opportunity again with this volume of food available to me at once so I need to take advantage! Except I really did not want to eat. Yet I was in a total nonsensical panic about that feeling.

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It was utterly bizarre, a definite first time feeling for me. But it reaffirms some of my past statements about the fact that Food is my relationship. I felt an obligation to "take care" of the food and be sure it's existence served purpose. To not reject it. To give equal attention to all the different foods. And in my feeling like I was not up to the task, I began to panic and try to convince myself this is what I needed to do instead of just respecting how I was feeling at the moment. Further, I think the panic was likely fueled because if I did respect my wish to not eat, what if I had to start feeling something or dealing with feelings?? Oh, the horror!

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Unfortunately I've not had any trouble eating since then......but it was an interesting bump in my path that deserves some more thought and understanding.

Qi - Body Energy

So I took a step in a new direction today. I went to my first appointment at a natural health center. The Dr was actually recommended to me by Susan, my T.

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It went SO great!!! I'm in love with the Dr! He's so sweet and gentle. He said he'd never done such a quick intake because I had all my facts in a row and a 100% clear goal of what I wanted to accomplish. I told him he could credit Susan with that! He said that I am the perfect candidate for acupuncture and he loves to use it for cases like mine.

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He did something called a Digital Meridian Analysis on my meridian points which measures the energy at meridan points. Some things were better than others. He said it really mirrored what I told him about what I experience. Funny, I was looking at the notes he made before we went to do the DMA and he wrote down "LI meridian". As I look at the paperwork he gave me, I see why! It says:

Your Large Intestine Meridian energy is excessive. Energetic disturbances in the LI meridian may involve oe or more of the following emotional factors: holding onto the past, fear of letting go, crying, compulsion to neatness, defensiveness.

Excessive chi in the LI meridian may indicate a potential for stiff shoulder, tooth/jaw ache, dizziness.

Stiff shoulder? That's my #1 stress spot and causes me chronic pain.

He was even able to tell me, by looking at the readings, my peak stress hours and what time I go to bed! I'm setting up a series of 3 acupuncture treatments and then we re-evaluate. Said he usually sees the biggest changes after 8-12 appointments but everyone is different. He did say that since we're dealing with a lifelong issue, it may take longer but not necessarily.

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Oh, he also told me about his internship where he used acupuncture on crack addicts and had positive results in overcoming addiction. So he will use some of those techniques on me to help with the food addiction. He also worked at 9/11 Ground Zero to help survivors and trauma workers with PTSD and has been using acupuncture to treat returning soldiers for PTSD.

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I'm happy it went so well....now let's just see if I have results!! If nothing else, he said most people feel very rejuvenated and in balance after a session. Oh, when he measure my overall results on a chart, I was at a 28.5 measurement of energy balance. That's 28.5...out of 100!! So, I'm pretty out of synch, no shocker there! I'm really looking forward to starting my treatments!!

Awfulizing

"Awfulizing" is a term that Susan, my T, uses. It refers to when I allow my thoughts to run away with me into the worst possible scenarios. I used to do it constantly and I've gotten much better with it to the point I barely allow it at all. Lately, though, I've been serving up a hefty dose of it.

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I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot where I am constantly in a state of clenched & tightened muscles. It causes pain, tenderness, aches, fatigue, spasms and general all-around unpleasantness in my shoulder, collarbone, neck, jaw, head, arm, chest, shoulderblade/back. It gets worse when I'm in a panic or anxiety mode. I've often thought I was having a heart attack because of the intensity of the pain.

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It's particularly bad this week and I can feel it expanding now into the area of my ribs, lungs, neck. My body is very tricky in the manifestation of stress. It likes to attack in a certain way to send me into maximum panic and only when I finally accept that it's not a physical problem, it disappears and moves onto some other odd symptom. So the newest thing is this discomfort in the lung area of my chest as opposed to just the heart area. In addition, my chest feels kindof tight and it radiates up into my neck when I breathe deeply. So here I go.....

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"I'm having a heart attack. No, that's not what it is. It's muscular, like the Dr said. But this is different pain, it's something new. It's heart failure, cardiomyopathy. It's Cancer. Oh God, I just know I have cancer, I'm sure of it. I can feel it spreading through my body like poison. It's TMJ. It's a brain tumor. I'm having an aneurysm. Bianca is going to find me dead on the floor. I'm going to die while driving and crash killing her, too. I should go see the Dr but I don't want to deal with it. It's lung failure. And what about those bruises? I bet I'm having kidney failure, too and I'm going to die from that. That's it, everything is diseased and I'm having total organ failure, just a question of which one is going to give out first. I'm about to die. I bet I won't even make it to Bianca's birthday party. What will she do without me?" Repeat, ad nauseum.

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I can't seem to shake the awfulizing lately. I don't feel good. I'm sure the 99% humidity isn't helping since the air quality is crap for breathing right now. And I've been feeling extremely lightheaded which I'm sure has nothing to do with the fact that I seem to be completely inept at taking one stupid pill a day (Effexor) so I'm all over the place taking it every, oh, day & a half or so when I get the jitters & brain-buzzies that remind me I didn't take it.

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I feel like a freak. I know I need to focus on my health but it's all tied into my addiction and I feel like I am only capable of baby steps right now. The "not-knowing" is bliss and torture at the same time.

Stalled Labor

I had a dream Tuesday night. I was pregnant and in labor. And in labor. And in labor. For days. The labor was not progressing. I kept asking the nurses to check me and see if I was getting any closer but I wasn't. I was really frustrated. Then I made a tiny bit of progress and I remembered how much the epidural hurt. All of a sudden I began to feel really terrified about giving birth and I didn't want that baby to come out at all.

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In dreams, being pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. It may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. So the fact that my labor is stalled means this goal is something I'm having trouble bringing about. Yet when I make some progress, the fear of the pain makes me not want to have the baby at all. This made such absolute perfect sense to me because it's exactly where I'm at in my life.

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I was in a really lousy mood on Weds, as evidenced by my last post. Tuesday evening I was triggered by an event which progressed into a barrage of self-hatred, beating myself up for everything I am and everything I do. I was sharing this with Susan on Weds night and describing the frustration of not being able to pull my life together. I'm unhappy with so many things, I feel like I'm constantly in some state between disorder and disaster. I can't focus on anything. For instance: I want to sit down and pay the few bills that can't be done online. I pick up the bills, I go to sit down at the table. Bianca has her toys all over the table. I begin to pick them up and then I see she's taken off her socks and left them on the floor which reminds me I have to do the laundry so I go upstairs to get the rest of the dirty clothes when I remember I never put that box in the attic. I drop the socks, go into the attic where I see a box of craft supplies which reminds me Jen and I were going to take stock of what we had and see if we could pool & sell it. So I take that box down from the attic and put it on the table where I was preparing to sit & pay my bills and then I'm flustered and overwhelmed. So I have something to eat and do nothing. I describe the same type of things at work. I seem easily overwhelmed and like I'm going in circles, never making any significant headway. And then I feel disgusted and ashamed that I can't seem to do what I need to do. So I put it all away in denial-land where I stuff it down firmly with food and engage in some useless, mindless activity which then solidifies the belief that I'm a useless piece of crap. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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Susan asks me the question I dread. Do you think this has anything to do with your addiction? She tells me what I described is a classic addict behavior. I've done some web searching but not really come up with any model of "classic addict" signs. I do see that addiction to any substance contributes to anxiety, avoidance, being easily overwhelmed. Maybe that's what she means.

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"Food addiction is a contemporary term used to describe a pathological disorder; the compulsive, excessive craving for and consumption of food. This condition is not only manifested by the abnormal intake of food, but the intake and craving for foods that are, in themselves, harmful to the individual. While society and the medical profession have readily understood alcoholism and drug abuse, it is only in recent years that there is an equal acceptance of the fact that persons may be addicted to food in the same way. (I'd argue that point....but that's just me) When any substance is taken into the body regardless of its potential for harm or in excess of need, that substance is said to be abused. Individuals who abuse substances in such a way are addicts; these persons become physiologically and mentally dependent upon certain substances, in this case food. Food addiction, as with any other addiction, is a loss of control. The individual understands that their way of eating is harmful, but continues the destructive behavior. The phenomenon of food addiction is both physiological and psychological. Many individuals have what may be termed 'food allergies.' These are trigger foods which when ingested cause negative symptoms and changes in the body but at the same time provoke cravings. The individual, for instance, the diabetic, may be made 'sick' by the intake of sugar, but will still continue to crave it and eat it in excess, with adverse effects. These chemicals mimic the body’s natural painkillers, endorphins, and have thus been termed 'exorphins' which produce a narcotic-like effect. Individuals may be suffering from depression, low self-esteem or loneliness; they will find a high when ingesting large quantities of food or certain foods such as salt or chocolate. The immediate high gives way to a sick feeling or guilt, leading to more depression. Because the addict is out of control, he or she will turn once again to the same eating patterns in a conscious or unconscious effort to feel better."

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That pretty much says it. I want this cycle to stop but I don't know how to make it stop. And I don't know where to turn. I want to do it myself because that's just my MO. Do it yourself. Be strong. Be self-sufficient. Be *Perfect*. Don't need anyone or anything. Don't lean on anyone. Don't open up to or be vulnerable to anyone. It leads only to rejection and pain and strengthens my perceived need to isolate. My horrible experience with Renfrew was a perfect example of why I don't want to reach out for help. Yet I sit here ready to admit, IN MY HEAD, that I cannot do this alone. I am at that point where I can accept, IN MY HEAD, that I am powerless over the addiction. Yet, in my HEART, I still want to believe I can do it. I can make it work. I am strong enough to beat it. And every day I have this battle realizing my head knows where it's at but feeling like a failure because I can't defeat this by myself. All the while **terrified** to reach out for help. Terrified to fail. Terrified to change. Terrified to succeed. Part of me is so ready and the other part of me wants to bury my head in the sand.

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When I think about the logistics of it, I am definitely overwhelmed. Food addiction is something that's NOT widely accepted as an addiction. In the eating disorder community, it's still characterized as "Eating Disorder; Not Otherwise Specified." Heath insurance carriers don't recongnize it as an addiction and therefore programs and payments are severely limited. There are a couple eating disorder clinics around here but they don't offer the same programs for food addicts as they do for, say, anorexics and bulemics. So where does this leave me? Here are my options to consider in some combination:

1. Overeaters Anonymous (OA) which is a viable option and I'm looking into meetings. Last I looked, the local meetings were not conducive to my schedule. But I'll look again. And, there is that whole "higher power" thing that still makes me want to cringe and run screaming. I'm going to try to look past that right now.

2. A psychiatrist versed in eating disorders who may be able to prescribe medication(s) with proven results in cutting down cravings.

3. A nutritionist, again versed in eating disorders, who can "represent" food for me and help me attempt to establish a healthy relationship with food, something I have never had.

4. Holistic/Natural remedies. I am strongly driven to try acupuncture as a stress reliever, energy mover and an assistance to my recovery.

5. Energy Tapping to also help in changing or removing the energy associated with my cravings and urge to binge.

6. Counseling, of course, as continued support in my recovery and to help in learning new coping tools.

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Okay, so #5 & #6 - no brainers. Easy to accomplish. #1 is going to be a challenge but I will give it a try. Susan did say that if I can get to a number of OA meetings in the beginning I could then switch over to AA or AlAnon meetings since they use the same 12 step program. They are generally easier to find. If I can get to one that is local to my office then I don't have to worry about child care and that alleviates a huge obstacle. She did, however, suggest the "90 in 90" which is 90 meetings in 90 days, generally considered as an alternative for people who are unable to go to a traditional rehab facility. I don't know about that.

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#2 - the thought of trying to find this type of person, of telling my story and talking about my addiction with a stranger AND taking more meds really doesn't appeal to me on any level. But having reduced cravings does sound good. Still, I think I will put this one at the bottom of my list and resort to it if #4 & #5 don't help. #3 - oh yuck. Yuck. Yuck. The most I can consider for this one right now is to talk to a friend of mine who works in that field. #4 is something I really desperately want to give 100% to trying. It presents an enormous logistical challenge in location, timing and expense. In any case, I just left a voicemail for the natural health center to call me back. I mean....if I'm going to make a commitment to doing this, then I just need to do whatever is necessary. My boss is super cool and I know he would give me leeway with hours & time off if I need it.

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Key words here "if I'm going to make a commitment to this." Am I? Because every time I think I'm ready, I talk myself out of it within hours and conveniently lable the prior resolve as a moment of temporary insanity. I think I'm really afraid to fail. I have enough shame already just being what I am. I don't know if I can take the added shame of failing in my attempt to be something better. I think I don't believe that I CAN be different anymore. And I'm really scared to let go of my addiction because it serves as my friend, my relationship, my comfort, my shield and my protection. Despite the fact I know it's hurting me immensely and robbing me of health, joy and life, I'm really afraid to be out in the world without my security-blanket. I know I can't change if I don't try but I'm so afraid to try that I feel near paralyzed.

Vacation

Well, we're back from vacation. We got back Friday evening. I had hopes of catching up on everyone else's blogs while away but that never happened! I didn't even post on my own blog or read any of the books I brought. We did have a great time, though.

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We go to this same rental house every year so it's become a second home for me. Last summer it was over 100 degrees which is totally uncharacteristic of New England in early June. This year, the weather was right where it should be which made for a much more pleasant visit. It was in the low 70's during the day and around 50 at night. Ideal! We spent a day in downtown Portsmouth, popped over to Maine for an afternoon, went to Storyland amusement park, Squam Lakes Science center, Childrens Museum. On my birthday, we went to Weirs Beach, played in the arcades, mini-golf, went to Kellerhaus for ice cream sundae bar, shopping, went to dinner at one of my fave local spots where I enjoyed the steak I've been craving for months! We went to the drive in movie and saw UP which was cute. All in all, a great birthday.

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My BFF was up for a few days and was nice enough to share her germs with me so we both ended up with bronchitis. So the last few days of vaca were spent largely on the couch in front of a fire watching movies with Bianca. It was okay, though, because the weather had turned cold and rainy by that point. I was able to find a local Dr to give me some anti-biotics and was feeling better by the time we had to come home.

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Unfortunately, once I got home, I am now all off kilter. I couldn't sleep the first night. Bianca is way off schedule and not sleeping well either. I ended up with an injury that I'm going to skip the details of except to say it's causing me intense pain and making mobility very challenging. I'm coughing more today, presumably lack of sleep knocking me back a step in recovering. I have a terrible headache. For some reason, I got really messed up in taking my anti-anxiety meds while away and I think I'm down several doses over the 10 day period. I seemed to be taking them about every 36 hours instead of every 24. I think I forgot one yesterday but I'm not sure. I just feel all messed up. It's 2pm, I'm still in my PJs and I need to go grocery shopping & cook for the week. I don't know where I'm going to find the energy. Let's not even talk about how I'm going to rise at 5am tomorrow and return to work. It seems incomprehensible at this moment.

Blah.

I feel like crap. Not even sure what the ailment is..... maybe a cold, sinuses, allergies or flu? It seems it doesn't fit into one category and every time I take medication for one set of symptoms, then I feel something else. And I'm supposed to sing at church on Sunday. *sigh*

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Update, Saturday: Woke up this morning feeling like I'd been whacked square in the face with a sledgehammer. My sinuses so swollen (Gross Alert...) that the product of my first sneeze came out my mouth. That was a first. Aaaand hopefully a last as well. I whimpered in bed for an hour. Sad, sad puppy. Eventually my Mom brought me sudafed and mucinex. I called my Dr & they told me to go to the ER. Hate doing that but I know I need antibiotics. So there I am with Bianca sitting on the little exam partition. I look up and who is standing in the hallway about 30 feet in front of me? Tom. My ex. Who Bianca has not seen in 2 years and I really don't want her to see him. Frankly I didn't want him to see me either since I look like a pile of poop right now! I lept up and drew the curtain in front of us. Unbelievable. And the last time I was there, I ran into Tom's best friend & sister. Can't I get away from that man?
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In any case, they gave me 4 zithromax in the ER to take on the spot plus a RX for a Z-pack. And told me to keep taking sudafed, mucinex, add in some tylenol b/c I do have a fever, stay out of work for 3 days and follow up with my PCP mid-week. I already "called out" for everything I was supposed to do tomorrow. I haven't felt this horrible in a long time.

An Update on My Busy Brain

As I mentioned in my last post, I often struggle with falling asleep at night due to my "busy brain" which likes to keep anxious thoughts swirling at a pace that would put the Tasmanian Devil to shame!

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I'd discussed it last week with Susan and came up with some plans to try to alleviate that. It's been working well but I knew Sunday night would be the true test. That is my worst night because I beat myself up over what I didn't accomplish over the weekend and I get myself worked up about what needs to be done at the office in the morning.

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Yesterday was a pretty good day. Bianca and I had been out all day on Saturday. From skating lessons in the morning, then a lunch get-together and outlet shopping in the evening. I have to share this because it's so funny. At the outlets, we went to 3 stores for Bianca and then I wanted to make a quick stop in one store for me on the way out. After a few minutes in that store, Bianca says "Mama, are you almost done because I don't have very much time to spend in here!" Like she's got some big plans later, or what? She cracks me up.

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I plunked Bianca in my bed with the TV on while I started what I'd intended to be some minor sorting of her new spring/summer clothes. Well, it turned into an all-out wardrobe changing. I pulled out the storage bins and started pulling out too-small clothes and the really heavy winter clothes so I could put them away. I had things layed out all over her room. Finally around 1am, I called it quits. She was still awake! We both slept in my bed until the beautiful hour of 10am! How nice! Through the day, I was able to do all the laundry, put away her clothes, do some organizing, prepared last years spring clothes for sale on Ebay, dishes, cooking & some snuggle time. I had to feel good about that!

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When I finally got into bed at night, my mind went to it's familiar place of criticism: "You didn't run the dishwasher, you left a load of laundry in the dryer, you should have done this...you didn't do that...etc." intermingled with "Make sure you wake up early, gotta do XYZ at work, need to sure you finish ABC, but not until you blah, blah, blah." With deep breathing, I was able to turn it around, praise myself for what I did get done and remind myself that I had plenty of time in the morning to begin planning what needed to be done at work. I was successful and I slept solid through the night. Yay!!

Asleep At The Wheel

No, it's not some clever play on words or reference to something deep and insightful.

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It's literal. I fell asleep at the wheel this morning while driving Bianca to school. It wasn't as cute as this little furry guy to the left, unfortunately.

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It's something I struggle with regularly, being over-tired while driving. I have a small arsenal of techniques to combat it. Sometimes I stab my arm with a T pin. Sometimes I munch on almonds. Sometimes I sing along with a great CD. This AM, I had no pin, I had no almonds and I was so tired that the music & open window were not helping. I was swerving all over the road and would continue to wake up a second later to find myself half way into another lane. Right before I got to Bianca's school, I went up onto a curb and grazed a telephone pole. I am very fortunate in so many ways. It could have been so much worse. It's the first time I've actually hit something and I'm freaked out about it. What if it were another car? Or someone walking on the sidewalk?

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It's something I've discussed with Susan more than once. It's about consequences. Every decision I make puts a sequence of events into motion. I oversleep and pop out of bed already stressed out and angry with myself. I end up getting to work late so I work late to compensate for being late in the AM. Of course, I'm so tired through the day that I'm not thinking or working at full capacity which puts me more behind and more stressed out. I drink so much coffee to perk up that I get heartburn & jitters. Working late puts me off to a later start when I get home at night. I'm rushing around and I'm stressed out and it spills over onto Bianca with me constantly trying to hurry her along. When she goes to bed, I spend time trying to get stuff done which I don't have the energy to do because I'm exhausted and then I'm stressed about the house being a mess and how much work I have to do at the office and I can't sleep because of the anxiety so I stay up late trying to wind down by watching TV or playing on the computer til I can finally fall asleep at midnight or later. And the alarm goes off at 5am, I smack it around for an hour and the cycle starts over again.

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My shoulder/chest pain has been particularly bad the past 2 weeks or so, so I know I'm feeling particularly stressed. I sometimes have the chance to catch up on sleep &/or house stuff on the weekends but not always. And then Tuesdays really kill me. That's my long day when I go to choir after work. So we don't get home til 10:30. It's really rough on Bianca, too. Weds my Mom comes over which is nice. That goes both ways for me....sometimes I take advantage of her being there to entertain Bianca. Other times, I want to be in on the fun, too! Just seems like there are not enough hours in the day and I don't know how to handle it.

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This weekend is full for me so I know I'm not going to get much rest. I have decided I'm going to make a point to get the computer equipment I need and am going to ask my boss if I can work from home at least one day a week (preferably Weds). Doing that will allow me 2 1/2 extra hours to sleep and I think will make a big difference. Not to mention that I get 10 times more work done at home when I'm not being interrupted by co-workers. It's a start.

HUNGER

1 a: a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient b: an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food c: a weakened condition brought about by prolonged lack of food2: a strong desire : craving : an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing

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I don't like hunger very much. I mean, I'm sure not many people LIKE it. But it really unsettles me. It makes me panic. Why? As I sit here pondering that question, all I can think is that maybe it's because I am afraid to find out what it is I'm hungry for. Since I know that so much of my eating is not about physical hunger. Maybe my fear is that if I don't immediately satiate the physical hunger, I will start to look deeper into the emotional hunger and I'm afraid what I will find. Afraid it will shatter my little world. So why is it that I sit here trying to be open to what the emotional hunger is about and I'm coming up empty?

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On the flip side, when I have periods of starving myself, I LOVE hunger. I love it because I think of it as a punishment and I think "Good, good...be hungry, feel uncomfortable. You deserve to feel that longing and that pain and not have it met. You deserve this." So if I feel hunger is some sort of punishment, what does that say about the fact that I can't stand it when I'm in overeating mode?

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Is the perceived punishment simply having to suffer being alone with myself and not having my coping mechanism to stuff feelings down with? I don't know. I'm actually closing my eyes and typing this as it comes to mind. Trying to bypass the usual censors. I just want to feel it. Dear lord, all I feel is the need for a nap......!!

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When I'm actively bingeing, I tend to feel hungry even when I know I can't possibly be. I actually believe I feel my stomach growling. What is that about? My mind is trying to make me believe that I'm physically hungry? I don't get it. What is my body trying to accomplish? What does it have to gain (no pun intended) by keeping up the eating? I wish I could understand. I guess all I can do it keep trying to think and......no, NOT think. Feel. I need to keep trying to FEEL what else is going on when I think I'm hungry or just when I want to eat. I guess the body just wants to hold the status quo.

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While I didn't have an evening binge last night, I'm not counting it as a success. I ate so much for dinner that I was in pain. I think it was out of fear that I would limit myself from bingeing afterwards. I wanted to be sure I had "enough" to hold me over til bedtime. Even feeling full and nearly sick didn't stop the urge. I had major urge last night which I did not give in to but it was even harder than the night before. My hands were shaking and I was slightly panic-stricken as I went to bed. Today, also. At work, I had lunch and I was uncomfortably full but ALL I could think about was eating a cookie. I wanted it so badly it was making me really angry. I want, more accurately I NEED, to start figuring some of this stuff out. Excellent topic for counseling tomorrow.

Trying Something Different

My Mom is here right now and she's playing with Bianca. We've finished dinner. I had enough yet ever since we finished I've been mentally scanning the fridge and the pantry thinking about what is in there and planning my nighttime binge, after Mom leaves and Bianca goes to bed.
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I mentioned in my last post that I reached out to a woman who is a dietitian. She's the Mom of one of the kids in Bianca's daycare. I'm not going to use her real name here since I've not asked her permission. I am going to call her "JS". We've been corresponding through email and she's been a help, for sure. Though she's not MY nutritionist, it's nice to be able to talk to someone about the topic. And also nice to be able to mix in a little spattering of social & Mom-talk. It takes away some of the intensity. I emailed her last night and confessed it was my "bad" time of day. I told her that I actually feel panic at the thought of choosing NOT to binge. It's something I've just recently realized as I've been getting more serious about dealing with my addiction. And even though I know the guilt, remorse and disgust that follow, I still choose the binge.
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JS responded with this: Do you ever journal? I know this has helped a lot of people - mainly focusing on why the binge would occur and how you will feel afterwards. Really allow yourself to feel the guilt beforehand and writing it down sometimes makes it more of a reality. I have had patients in the past that were actually seeking out the guilt the next day, even though they didn't realize that was what they were doing and really staring it in the face helped. Trying to just ignore the nature of the beast makes it difficult. Confront your feelings and see where that takes you.
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The part I italicized struck me in particular. It made me think about Eckart Tolle and his theory that I keep coming back to. Keeping the pain body alive. Continuing to sabotage myself. I've recognized that I do that to myself in matters of abuse.....beating myself up, choosing bad relationships, holding on to bad memories, negative feelings and anger. Punishing myself when there is no one else to do it. Could this be why my eating has been getting worse as I've felt like I'm making more progress in other areas of counseling? Am I just transferring it from one medium to another?
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Tonight, no matter how scary, I'm making the decision not to binge. I feel dread, fear and panic as I write that knowing that putting it down makes it more real and makes me accountable for my decision. I'm going to brush my teeth when I bring Bianca up to bed and I will blog or knit when I return downstairs. It it's too intense, I will have to go upstairs to bed.
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It's now 2 1/2 hours later and I'm getting ready to go to bed. Before I brushed my teeth along with Bianca, I definitely felt a rush of "No-no-no-no!!!!!! I need to eat!!!" Normally, I would give in to that and allow myself to be talked out of brushing so I could continue my binge. But tonight I went ahead and brushed. And I came downstairs and I haven't had anything to eat. I watched American Idol. I knitted. I did some things on the computer. There have been a few moments of struggle. I definitely want to eat right now. In fact, I'm feeling "hungry". I mean, it actually feels like my stomach is growling even though it's not. It's making me crazy hence the reason I need to go to bed soon. But I did it. I made it through a night without bingeing. And while it's only one tiny blip in the big picture of my addiction, it's a reminder that I can do this. I can make a good choice. I can survive.