Sunday, May 31, 2009

It's My Party & I'll Cry If I Want To

I am going to be 40 this week.
That may not seem like a huge deal to others. But I have never been a fan of birthdays. Particularly milestones. Once I hit 21, I was legally able to do everything I wanted to and I would have stopped aging right there if given the choice.
Any attempts at birthday celebrations generally went heinously awry. There was always some sort of disaster, drama or similar misfortune. It got to the point where I did not even want to have my birthday acknowledged.
I kept this preconceived checklist of where I should be at that age and, when I never found myself where I wanted to be, I allowed it to drown me. 25 was very tough for me. 30 was difficult but not as bad as 25 because I was getting married when I was 30. I was divorced and five months pregnant when I turned 35. Excited but unsure and alone...not a good one. Each year since then has just felt like a death march towards "The Big 4-0" I just knew that 40 would be utterly devastating.
And then.....a funny thing happened on the way to my birthday..... :o)
I think it's called acceptance. Acceptance of self, acceptance of my journey, acceptance that I can't control everything in my world. And the realization that hating my birthday wastes an awful lot of energy. It says alot about how far I've come in the past year and in the past 39! I am fully embracing 40 with both arms. I feel good. I'm telling everyone. I'm enjoying celebrations and parties. If you had told me 15, 10 or even 2 years ago that I'd be pumped up about my 40's, I may have punched you in the head. I have such good feelings about where my life has led me and there is something inside me that knows I'm about to embark on some pivotal things. It's exciting to see where I've come to and exciting to think about what lies ahead.
I would have stayed at 21 if I could have; would have made a deal with the devil himself to retain my youth. What an immature fool! Bring on my 40's! Older and wiser, indeed.


Maia said...

I like your new attitude. Happy Birthday!!

Anonymous said...

Happy 40th birthday! I know it doesn't mean much coming from a complete stranger but I hope you thoroughly enjoy your day.

Fifty is fun too!