The Truth Hurts

Bianca has been talking about her "Daddy" alot lately.

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A brief history for anyone who doesn't know: She's never met her bio-father (his choice). I dated my XBF, Tom, starting when Bianca was 2 months old until she was almost 2 1/2 years old and she knew him as her daddy. She hasn't seen him since January of 2007 when we broke up.

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Last Weds, after a night of playing outside with our neighbors and watching her friend interact with her father, Bianca was obviously feeling some angst. She said "Tom is my Daddy. I miss my Daddy but I don't really know him anymore." The next day, she told me that she wanted to go to Daddy's house and visit him.

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It breaks my heart. Father issues are sensitive for me to begin with. Seeing her experience father-pains as well just tears me to shreds. She really doesn't know the story of her bio-father. I will someday tell her but she has enough to process right now without me adding that to the mix. I never tell her that Tom is not her Daddy. After all, we let her call him that so I'm not going to take it away from her now. When she talks about "Daddy", I engage in conversation with her but 99% of the time, I will refer to him as Tom, just trying to shift that dynamic in her head. I tell her age-appropriate things. Mommy & Tom don't see each other anymore, it has nothing to do with her, etc. etc. Last week, I thought of a good point to add in and I told her that some people are in her life for a long time....people like Mommy and Gramma. Other people are only part of our lives for a little while. I cited a few friends who have gone on to Kindergarten or moved away. And I also included Tom. When we have these kinds of conversations, she listens for a minute and then she'll change the subject. I let her change the subject. I figure she's basically telling me she's heard enough.

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We always go away the beginning of June and last year, I lucked out. Father's Day was early and she missed Father's Day projects at school while we were on vacation. We're going the same week this year but Father's Day is later and so she'll be back in school when they do their FD projects. I decided to bring it up to her teacher just so we could get a head start in thinking about how to handle it. Funny I mention it, the teacher tells me, because Bianca had just said something odd. Out in the playground, they were getting ready to come back inside and Bianca told her that either her Mom or her Dad was coming to pick her up. Teacher says "Your Mom is coming to pick you up." and Bianca says "I wish my Dad was coming." *sigh*

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Back to the project situation, the teacher tells me they have had this a couple times before in the past. Could Bianca make something, instead, for an uncle, grandfather, etc? Well, she doesn't have any of those (since her uncle and grandfather are both abusive bastards and are not in her life). Okay....how about if she makes something for me, instead? They explain that I am like Mommy and Daddy for her. An understandable suggestion but, in her mind, she has a Daddy already so telling her that I'm also the Dad isn't going to fly. She's too smart and WAY too literal to buy into that. We agree to just think about it and figure out something. If it were a one day project, I'd probably just pull her out of school that day. But it's something they will work on a little bit every day for the whole week.

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Yesterday, she was playing with blocks and she called one of the blocks "Daddy's house" and was "pretending" that we were going to visit Daddy's house. I stopped her and looked into her eyes. I held her hands and I started to cry. I told her that I always want to help her to do the things she wants to do but..... (trailing off.....how do I tell her this?) I say "We will never see Daddy again. Do you understand that?" She shakes her head no and puts it down on my shoulder and cries. I hugged her and I cried too. When she lifted her head back up, I told her that I know she doesn't understand it. I told her it's ok to think about him and talk about him. And I told her that he's not part of our life anymore. I also explained that "Daddy's" are supposed to act a certain way and Tom didn't do a good enough job of being a Daddy. He didn't act the right way. I told her that she and I are a family and she will have me forever, that I will always be her Mommy. It was a painful moment of truth for both of us.

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I don't know if I handle these things the right way. It's so tough to navigate. I'm hoping that maybe it will help her shift away from Tom in her head but the fact is....she's not seen him in almost 2 1/2 years. She's not missing *him* per se but she is clearly feeling the absence of a father figure. I wish I knew how to fill that void for her. My biggest fear is that if I don't find a way to fill it now that she will grow up seeking to fill it in very unhealthy, painful and destructive ways. Just like her Mom did.