Tapping into Grief

Just when you least expect it....there is a breakthrough moment.

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I had T this morning. Went with only a minor agenda of talking about the card from my brother and discussing father's day. Let me start with the card from my brother part (story in my prior post). I told Susan that I evaluated the card, thought there was an ulterior motive behind it and then just kind of put the whole thing aside. I felt like there should have been a more emotional reaction to it and I stayed open to that but it never really happened. Often, when I've not connected emotionally to something, when I talk about it in therapy I will make the connection there. When I discussed it with Susan, I felt the same way as I did when I got the card. She actually told me that she felt this was very positive. I'm reacting from a here and now, adult perspective and it doesn't appear I'm repressing anything about it. Excellent!

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We discussed Father's Day and that Bianca had done pretty well with it. I talked about the feelings I have toward Bianca's bio-father and how I have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he has nothing to do with her. I wonder sometimes if he ever thinks about her, wonders about her. It's difficult for me to accept that I will never know the truth and hard for me to let that go. Not in my control-craving nature. Susan asked me what if Bianca had a father who had died when she was a baby? How would I deal with that? I said that would be a million times easier to explain. It's easier to tell her that she had a dad who loved her but now he's in heaven. It's easy to find a million books for kids on how to deal with the grief of a deceased parent. But how do you explain that there is a living, breathing parent who has just chosen to reject her? Susan said that I would have empathy for her if the situation were a dead father but that I'm fully triggered by the idea of rejection and the way I feel and act are because of my own unresolved issues. Dammit! We're almost in a cycle where Bianca has legitimate thoughts about fathers but then it sets me off and she feeds off that so we keep going round and round. I said I just don't want her to end up like me. Everytime I think I'm working past my father issues, I'm reminded that I still have more work to do. In my heart, I still feel responsible for my father's abuse and rejection of me.

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Susan reminded me that my own father experience had nothing to do with ME. It's all about my father and HIS issues. Yes, I know this......in my head. It's intellectual. Clearly I don't accept it in my heart. Still. I thought I was past this. Susan asked me what I meant when I said I don't want Bianca to end up like me. What kinds of things am I thinking, feeling and picturing in my head? I said I was feeling fear, afraid that she would become promiscuous and foolish the way that I had been, doing anything for male attention to fill that void, to feel loved or lovable. She asked what feelings came up in me for my situation with my own father? Trying to access my feelings kept resulting in going back to my head, to intellectualizing. When I was able to let it down, I said "Grief. I feel grief." And I said "I know why he did what he did.....but I just wanted a Dad." *Sob*Sob*Sob*

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Susan suggested I do energy tapping around the statement I made to try to help release some of those emotions. I did and absolutely gushed tears the entire process. In fact, 3 hours later, I'm still crying. After the tapping work with her, I felt exhausted and just sad. I know I did some serious emotional grieving work. After writing this, but before publishing it, I ended up taking a nearly 3 hour nap. Unheard of for me.....I really drained myself.

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I have to put in a quick funny....I unconsciously hold my breath alot in T when I'm holding my emotions in. When Susan asked me to get in touch with my feelings about my father, I guess I was doing it again. Susan said "Breathe, for heavens sake!! Sometimes I think you could scuba dive without an oxygen tank when I see how long you sit here without taking a breath!!"

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As I was driving home, I was mulling things over. I often say that I feel guilty or responsible for Bianca not having a father. I just realized that my guilt stems from my feeling unlovable.....feeling that I wasn't good enough for her bio-father, for her "Dad" or even for my own Dad to love me, to choose me. And now she has to pay the price for my inferiority. Emotional work sucks. No wonder I avoid it.

As If.......

I've mentioned in recent posts that I just had a birthday and was on vacation. While away, I had my neighbor pick up my mail. When I caught up with my neighbors and got the mail from them, I had a few surprises. Checks...oooh! Checks are good, especially after vacation! A birthday card from my dear friend and blogging buddy Enola. Thanks!! And...what's this now? Eyes widen, hands shake. Another birthday card, familiar writing. But what the hell?? It's from my brother. My brother....one of my abusers....who I've not seen or spoken to in 4 1/2 years now.
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Allow me to back up a little. I used to have an overwhelming compulsion to take care of my mother and her feelings. It's something I was basically taught to do as a child and it carried over. Out of some misguided loyalty to her, I used to send generic birthday and christmas cards to my brother and his (soon-to-be-ex) wife. Until December of 2006.
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In December of 2006, my brother sent me an email. A short, "normal", "hey-how-ya-doin?" email. It really threw me for a loop. I printed it out and went to my T session all hot & bothered.
"How dare he send this? He has no business sending me a 'normal' email after what has transpired between us."
"Why not?", asks Susan. "Didn't you just send him a 'normal' birthday card?"
Oh.
Susan went on to tell me that I'd been acting "As If".
I said "As if WHAT?"
She said "Exactly....as if...what? As if things are fine? As if you are his sister and want to have a sibling relationship? As if the past no longer matters enough to stop you from being part of his life?"
Wow. I never in a million thought of it like that. Never thought about the message I was sending by simply attempting a "keep the peace" move for my mother's sake. At that point, I had to take a stance for myself. Not only did I not reply to his email but I never again sent him another card.
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Now things have gone on pretty status quo since then but recently my Mother had an epiphany about my brother. (See post here) She's no longer interacting with him in the same way, if at all. So my two immediate thoughts on the motive behind this birthday card were: #1 - he's sending me this card in hopes I will tell my Mom and she'll have second thoughts about what a lech he is, or #2 - he's trying to get on my good side so that, if my Mom dies, I'll give him some of her estate. I'll respond with a literal "AS IF" to that one!! Yeah, right.
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In the past, my brother used to sign all his cards for me "Hatred, Gregory" Now, the hatred part, as charming as it is, is not the bothersome portion of that signature. His name is not Gregory. But he'd sign the cards as this alternate persona, a character if you will. One who used to abuse me. Almost removing himself from any personal relationship with me. This card he just sent is signed "Happy Bday Sis. Love, Bro." WTF?? "Love Bro"???? Biology may dictate that I'm stuck with you as my brother but there is no LOVE involved. I just don't understand what he's thinking.
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I'm not sure I understand what I'm thinking, either. I described it as feeling Nothing. But Something. I know I feel some sort of way about it but I don't think I want to know what it is yet so right now, I'm choosing to feel nothing. Numb works for the moment. In fact, Numb is necessary at the moment.

Fathers, Fathers, Fathers

In light of this months blog carnival theme, I went looking for a prior post that would fit the bill. Lord knows that posts containing "father content" are plentiful in my little snippet of the blogosphere. Perhaps it's the multi-tasker in me, but I tend to wrap more than one topic into a post so many were only partially applicable. One post I found was great for the carnival...apparently it was so great for the carnival that I'd already submitted it last year. :o) So here I am, one day to go til submission deadline, and I've got some serious bloggers-block.
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While I perused "father issues" posts from the past 16 months I came across alot of valuable things. Some things a reminder on what I need to focus on and other things a realization of what I've accomplished. Father issues are prevalent in my life. Starting with my own father and carrying over into Bianca's lack of a father.
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From an old post: There is no point of my trying to talk to my father again. I have said all I can say to him. We (my T & I) discussed the idea of forgiveness and what it means to me. I came down to expressing that it means a release of the memories, thoughts and pain that hold me hostage. I said I understand that in my brain but it just doesn't really translate. The question I posed at the end of my homework was "what do I gain by holding this pain so tightly to my heart?" As T began to speak to this, I was FLOODED with emotion and burst into tears. I realized that this pain is ALL I HAVE of my father. And once I let it go, I have NO father. And no hope of things ever becoming different. It's that last thread of hope. That blasted unrealistic shred of HOPE that the piece of damaged, demented, sick, twisted, cold-hearted crap I called "Dad" could actually turn into a decent person and try to make it all up to me. This pain is our only connection. And I don't know how to release that without falling apart.I guess the answer is that I actually need to allow myself to fall apart. I have to let those emotions come through me to let them go. And I need to grieve.
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I'm happy to say that I feel I've made some progress in my own father pains. Ever since I wrote the "Dear Father" letter, I've been able to let some things go. I don't think I realized that until I began this post, so that's positive! But then again, it's hard for me to tell how much progress is made because I project my own stuff onto issues with Bianca's father & "daddy".
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Her father issues are tougher than ever. She is at an age where she is aware of the difference between her family dynamic and that of her friends. She speaks of her Daddy frequently. I've been doing my best to field the comments and questions with sensitivity and honesty but it's a highly emotional issue and I feel so inadequate in my replies. As I look back over the many posts highlighting her struggles, I see some recurring themes:
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* Regret over not using better judgment with my Ex
* A gut reaction of feeling like I need to run out and get married just to get her a Daddy
* Wanting her to have "more" than I did as a child
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I realize that none of these are particularly rational but I do see them as things I get wrapped up in. In fact, I didn't realize how much I get wrapped up in them until I read all these posts in one sitting. It's an eye opener for me that I need to let go of those unproductive thoughts and only focus on the things I can exert at least a modicum of control over.
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You know, I think I've done alot of overall work on the father situations. I've done some grieving work with my own father. I've put Bianca's bio-father into perspective as basically a sperm donor. I have the most trouble with my XBF, the man Bianca knew as "Daddy" for 2 1/2 years. I guess it's because that is the one that she clings to and the one I'm trying to explain the disappearance of to her.
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I guess what remains is merely the “father fantasy”. The "Daddy's Little Girl" images that catch my eye. The Dad in the park with his little girl up on his shoulders; the one in church with his daughter climbing onto his lap. The fantasy that all Dads love, cherish, comfort, protect. And stay. As a parent myself, I have a really, really difficult time wrapping my mind around rejecting your child. Somehow I need to come to a different grip with that in my head. I continue to open up this painful wound, MY father wound. I continue to feed the pain, the loss and the longing. What I am doing is setting a script for Bianca that says: “You have a father out there who doesn’t want to be part of your life.” If I characterize it as a rejection, that he doesn’t want her, then I will define her life and her worth as such. She doesn’t need to grow up this way. It's bad enough that I did.

Vacation

Well, we're back from vacation. We got back Friday evening. I had hopes of catching up on everyone else's blogs while away but that never happened! I didn't even post on my own blog or read any of the books I brought. We did have a great time, though.

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We go to this same rental house every year so it's become a second home for me. Last summer it was over 100 degrees which is totally uncharacteristic of New England in early June. This year, the weather was right where it should be which made for a much more pleasant visit. It was in the low 70's during the day and around 50 at night. Ideal! We spent a day in downtown Portsmouth, popped over to Maine for an afternoon, went to Storyland amusement park, Squam Lakes Science center, Childrens Museum. On my birthday, we went to Weirs Beach, played in the arcades, mini-golf, went to Kellerhaus for ice cream sundae bar, shopping, went to dinner at one of my fave local spots where I enjoyed the steak I've been craving for months! We went to the drive in movie and saw UP which was cute. All in all, a great birthday.

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My BFF was up for a few days and was nice enough to share her germs with me so we both ended up with bronchitis. So the last few days of vaca were spent largely on the couch in front of a fire watching movies with Bianca. It was okay, though, because the weather had turned cold and rainy by that point. I was able to find a local Dr to give me some anti-biotics and was feeling better by the time we had to come home.

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Unfortunately, once I got home, I am now all off kilter. I couldn't sleep the first night. Bianca is way off schedule and not sleeping well either. I ended up with an injury that I'm going to skip the details of except to say it's causing me intense pain and making mobility very challenging. I'm coughing more today, presumably lack of sleep knocking me back a step in recovering. I have a terrible headache. For some reason, I got really messed up in taking my anti-anxiety meds while away and I think I'm down several doses over the 10 day period. I seemed to be taking them about every 36 hours instead of every 24. I think I forgot one yesterday but I'm not sure. I just feel all messed up. It's 2pm, I'm still in my PJs and I need to go grocery shopping & cook for the week. I don't know where I'm going to find the energy. Let's not even talk about how I'm going to rise at 5am tomorrow and return to work. It seems incomprehensible at this moment.