Awfulizing

"Awfulizing" is a term that Susan, my T, uses. It refers to when I allow my thoughts to run away with me into the worst possible scenarios. I used to do it constantly and I've gotten much better with it to the point I barely allow it at all. Lately, though, I've been serving up a hefty dose of it.

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I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot where I am constantly in a state of clenched & tightened muscles. It causes pain, tenderness, aches, fatigue, spasms and general all-around unpleasantness in my shoulder, collarbone, neck, jaw, head, arm, chest, shoulderblade/back. It gets worse when I'm in a panic or anxiety mode. I've often thought I was having a heart attack because of the intensity of the pain.

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It's particularly bad this week and I can feel it expanding now into the area of my ribs, lungs, neck. My body is very tricky in the manifestation of stress. It likes to attack in a certain way to send me into maximum panic and only when I finally accept that it's not a physical problem, it disappears and moves onto some other odd symptom. So the newest thing is this discomfort in the lung area of my chest as opposed to just the heart area. In addition, my chest feels kindof tight and it radiates up into my neck when I breathe deeply. So here I go.....

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"I'm having a heart attack. No, that's not what it is. It's muscular, like the Dr said. But this is different pain, it's something new. It's heart failure, cardiomyopathy. It's Cancer. Oh God, I just know I have cancer, I'm sure of it. I can feel it spreading through my body like poison. It's TMJ. It's a brain tumor. I'm having an aneurysm. Bianca is going to find me dead on the floor. I'm going to die while driving and crash killing her, too. I should go see the Dr but I don't want to deal with it. It's lung failure. And what about those bruises? I bet I'm having kidney failure, too and I'm going to die from that. That's it, everything is diseased and I'm having total organ failure, just a question of which one is going to give out first. I'm about to die. I bet I won't even make it to Bianca's birthday party. What will she do without me?" Repeat, ad nauseum.

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I can't seem to shake the awfulizing lately. I don't feel good. I'm sure the 99% humidity isn't helping since the air quality is crap for breathing right now. And I've been feeling extremely lightheaded which I'm sure has nothing to do with the fact that I seem to be completely inept at taking one stupid pill a day (Effexor) so I'm all over the place taking it every, oh, day & a half or so when I get the jitters & brain-buzzies that remind me I didn't take it.

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I feel like a freak. I know I need to focus on my health but it's all tied into my addiction and I feel like I am only capable of baby steps right now. The "not-knowing" is bliss and torture at the same time.

Why Am I Doing This, Exactly?

So I had counseling last night. I really, really didn't want to be there. We talked about my addiction issues and the steps I've taken since our last meeting. I told Susan that I'd made an appointment with an acupuncturist and then cancelled it. She asked me what I was hoping acupuncture would do for me. I immediately clammed up and started to cry. Why? Because I perceived her question as some sort of accusation that I had no idea what I was doing. And of course, I know she didn't at all mean it that way. But I felt like an idiot that I had charged full on into wanting to do acupuncture without having first really asked if it will accomplish what I want it to do for me. Susan said that she asked not to make me feel foolish but because she "cares about me and loves me" (she actually said she loves me!) and that I'm in an extremely vulnerable spot right now. (shudder) How I detest that word. She doesn't want to see me try something and then have it not work the way I thought it would. She's afraid that would be too discouraging or painful right now. So, okay, I was able to verbalize that I'm hoping the acupuncture will help me with stress relief by means of getting my body energy moving again. I'm hoping that by getting my energy flowing, I will be able to experience more emotions instead of just piling them on top of the emotional gridlock that's already inside my body. In addition, I have chronic pain in my left shoulder because I hold all my tension there. I'm hoping for some relief of that pain as well. Susan suggested another type of Dr for the actual muscular pain but did say she felt I had a realistic view and hope of what acupuncture should be able to do for me. So I'm going to go ahead & make another appointment with the acupuncturist.

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We talked about my intention to go to OA meetings. Turns out there is one near me at work and it's at lunch time on Mondays & Fridays. My goal right now is simply to get to at least one meeting before I see Susan again in two weeks. I feel quite scared at the prospect. You know each of these steps I'm taking pushes all my insecurities, "flaws", shame, dysfunction and my tightly held personal coping mechanism out into the world. Makes it public. Makes it REAL. Puts it out there for scrutiny. Makes it impossible for me to pretend it's not there and retreat into my binge-induced numbness. As I said in a prior post, I'm terrified to fail and I'm terrified to succeed. Susan asks why I need to judge as failure or success? She praises me for having taken the steps I have so far. Of course, I'm much more interested in my failures. She says the slow and somewhat methodical nature of how I'm approaching this is actually quite healthy. ("One Day At A Time" sound familiar???) She said I'm doing what they actually talk about in AA which is referred to as "the next good thing". I've taken a step and now I just need to do the next good thing. Keep making one small good choice after another. Why does it have to be failure or success? I tell her that I don't feel I'm being judgmental by calling it success or failure. I mean, in terms of what I'm working on here, those two words are pretty finite. Either I get the eating disorder under control or I don't. Succeed or Fail.

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I was feeling pretty drained and was out of things to talk about. We still had about 10 minutes left. I looked around, did some breathing to see if a topic came to me. Shrugged my shoulders at Susan and said "I got nuthin'."

"Okay. How does that make you feel?" she asks.

"Uncomfortable," I answer "anxious and uncomfortable."

She said that was okay, why don't I try just "being" and experiencing my feelings in the moment. She suggested that it's actually very healthy progress that I can sit there feeling uncomfortable because as recent as a few months ago, I would have grabbed onto any fluff topic to avoid just this. Great....healthy progress!! So I sit there trying to breathe and just "be" and my mind keeps running off "talk about this, talk about that, cripes you have issues galore...can't you pull one outta your hat to discuss so you're not looking like a fool, wasting time and being unproductive??" I feel like an idiot not utilizing my time with her and I say out loud "I feel stupid." Susan smirks and says "'Stupid' is not a feeling, Kim...it's a judgment!!" Oh, LOL. Well it's still what I'm feeling!!!!! As I sit here struggling with this seemingly simple task, I wonder to myself....Why, exactly, am I working so hard to be able to "be" in the moment and feel my feelings?? Because this kinda sucks.

Stalled Labor

I had a dream Tuesday night. I was pregnant and in labor. And in labor. And in labor. For days. The labor was not progressing. I kept asking the nurses to check me and see if I was getting any closer but I wasn't. I was really frustrated. Then I made a tiny bit of progress and I remembered how much the epidural hurt. All of a sudden I began to feel really terrified about giving birth and I didn't want that baby to come out at all.

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In dreams, being pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. It may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. So the fact that my labor is stalled means this goal is something I'm having trouble bringing about. Yet when I make some progress, the fear of the pain makes me not want to have the baby at all. This made such absolute perfect sense to me because it's exactly where I'm at in my life.

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I was in a really lousy mood on Weds, as evidenced by my last post. Tuesday evening I was triggered by an event which progressed into a barrage of self-hatred, beating myself up for everything I am and everything I do. I was sharing this with Susan on Weds night and describing the frustration of not being able to pull my life together. I'm unhappy with so many things, I feel like I'm constantly in some state between disorder and disaster. I can't focus on anything. For instance: I want to sit down and pay the few bills that can't be done online. I pick up the bills, I go to sit down at the table. Bianca has her toys all over the table. I begin to pick them up and then I see she's taken off her socks and left them on the floor which reminds me I have to do the laundry so I go upstairs to get the rest of the dirty clothes when I remember I never put that box in the attic. I drop the socks, go into the attic where I see a box of craft supplies which reminds me Jen and I were going to take stock of what we had and see if we could pool & sell it. So I take that box down from the attic and put it on the table where I was preparing to sit & pay my bills and then I'm flustered and overwhelmed. So I have something to eat and do nothing. I describe the same type of things at work. I seem easily overwhelmed and like I'm going in circles, never making any significant headway. And then I feel disgusted and ashamed that I can't seem to do what I need to do. So I put it all away in denial-land where I stuff it down firmly with food and engage in some useless, mindless activity which then solidifies the belief that I'm a useless piece of crap. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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Susan asks me the question I dread. Do you think this has anything to do with your addiction? She tells me what I described is a classic addict behavior. I've done some web searching but not really come up with any model of "classic addict" signs. I do see that addiction to any substance contributes to anxiety, avoidance, being easily overwhelmed. Maybe that's what she means.

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"Food addiction is a contemporary term used to describe a pathological disorder; the compulsive, excessive craving for and consumption of food. This condition is not only manifested by the abnormal intake of food, but the intake and craving for foods that are, in themselves, harmful to the individual. While society and the medical profession have readily understood alcoholism and drug abuse, it is only in recent years that there is an equal acceptance of the fact that persons may be addicted to food in the same way. (I'd argue that point....but that's just me) When any substance is taken into the body regardless of its potential for harm or in excess of need, that substance is said to be abused. Individuals who abuse substances in such a way are addicts; these persons become physiologically and mentally dependent upon certain substances, in this case food. Food addiction, as with any other addiction, is a loss of control. The individual understands that their way of eating is harmful, but continues the destructive behavior. The phenomenon of food addiction is both physiological and psychological. Many individuals have what may be termed 'food allergies.' These are trigger foods which when ingested cause negative symptoms and changes in the body but at the same time provoke cravings. The individual, for instance, the diabetic, may be made 'sick' by the intake of sugar, but will still continue to crave it and eat it in excess, with adverse effects. These chemicals mimic the body’s natural painkillers, endorphins, and have thus been termed 'exorphins' which produce a narcotic-like effect. Individuals may be suffering from depression, low self-esteem or loneliness; they will find a high when ingesting large quantities of food or certain foods such as salt or chocolate. The immediate high gives way to a sick feeling or guilt, leading to more depression. Because the addict is out of control, he or she will turn once again to the same eating patterns in a conscious or unconscious effort to feel better."

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That pretty much says it. I want this cycle to stop but I don't know how to make it stop. And I don't know where to turn. I want to do it myself because that's just my MO. Do it yourself. Be strong. Be self-sufficient. Be *Perfect*. Don't need anyone or anything. Don't lean on anyone. Don't open up to or be vulnerable to anyone. It leads only to rejection and pain and strengthens my perceived need to isolate. My horrible experience with Renfrew was a perfect example of why I don't want to reach out for help. Yet I sit here ready to admit, IN MY HEAD, that I cannot do this alone. I am at that point where I can accept, IN MY HEAD, that I am powerless over the addiction. Yet, in my HEART, I still want to believe I can do it. I can make it work. I am strong enough to beat it. And every day I have this battle realizing my head knows where it's at but feeling like a failure because I can't defeat this by myself. All the while **terrified** to reach out for help. Terrified to fail. Terrified to change. Terrified to succeed. Part of me is so ready and the other part of me wants to bury my head in the sand.

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When I think about the logistics of it, I am definitely overwhelmed. Food addiction is something that's NOT widely accepted as an addiction. In the eating disorder community, it's still characterized as "Eating Disorder; Not Otherwise Specified." Heath insurance carriers don't recongnize it as an addiction and therefore programs and payments are severely limited. There are a couple eating disorder clinics around here but they don't offer the same programs for food addicts as they do for, say, anorexics and bulemics. So where does this leave me? Here are my options to consider in some combination:

1. Overeaters Anonymous (OA) which is a viable option and I'm looking into meetings. Last I looked, the local meetings were not conducive to my schedule. But I'll look again. And, there is that whole "higher power" thing that still makes me want to cringe and run screaming. I'm going to try to look past that right now.

2. A psychiatrist versed in eating disorders who may be able to prescribe medication(s) with proven results in cutting down cravings.

3. A nutritionist, again versed in eating disorders, who can "represent" food for me and help me attempt to establish a healthy relationship with food, something I have never had.

4. Holistic/Natural remedies. I am strongly driven to try acupuncture as a stress reliever, energy mover and an assistance to my recovery.

5. Energy Tapping to also help in changing or removing the energy associated with my cravings and urge to binge.

6. Counseling, of course, as continued support in my recovery and to help in learning new coping tools.

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Okay, so #5 & #6 - no brainers. Easy to accomplish. #1 is going to be a challenge but I will give it a try. Susan did say that if I can get to a number of OA meetings in the beginning I could then switch over to AA or AlAnon meetings since they use the same 12 step program. They are generally easier to find. If I can get to one that is local to my office then I don't have to worry about child care and that alleviates a huge obstacle. She did, however, suggest the "90 in 90" which is 90 meetings in 90 days, generally considered as an alternative for people who are unable to go to a traditional rehab facility. I don't know about that.

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#2 - the thought of trying to find this type of person, of telling my story and talking about my addiction with a stranger AND taking more meds really doesn't appeal to me on any level. But having reduced cravings does sound good. Still, I think I will put this one at the bottom of my list and resort to it if #4 & #5 don't help. #3 - oh yuck. Yuck. Yuck. The most I can consider for this one right now is to talk to a friend of mine who works in that field. #4 is something I really desperately want to give 100% to trying. It presents an enormous logistical challenge in location, timing and expense. In any case, I just left a voicemail for the natural health center to call me back. I mean....if I'm going to make a commitment to doing this, then I just need to do whatever is necessary. My boss is super cool and I know he would give me leeway with hours & time off if I need it.

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Key words here "if I'm going to make a commitment to this." Am I? Because every time I think I'm ready, I talk myself out of it within hours and conveniently lable the prior resolve as a moment of temporary insanity. I think I'm really afraid to fail. I have enough shame already just being what I am. I don't know if I can take the added shame of failing in my attempt to be something better. I think I don't believe that I CAN be different anymore. And I'm really scared to let go of my addiction because it serves as my friend, my relationship, my comfort, my shield and my protection. Despite the fact I know it's hurting me immensely and robbing me of health, joy and life, I'm really afraid to be out in the world without my security-blanket. I know I can't change if I don't try but I'm so afraid to try that I feel near paralyzed.

Do you ever just have one of these days where you simply cannot stand one thing about yourself and you really wish you could just get away from you?? I'm so there right now.

Selling My Survival

I love dreams. I think they are fascinating in their symbolism. I've become an amateur dream guru. I don't often remember my dreams, unfortunately. When I do, I take great delight in deciphering them. Well the one I had last night just didn't give me a challenge at all! It was so obvious, it was ridiculous. It did make me laugh, though, in the plain talk of it's message.

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My father grew up in an old farmhouse. His whole dysfunctional family lived there many years. He moved out when he married my Mom; his parents and sister stayed. There was a barn with horses, which were my passion when I was younger. My brother and I spent many summers there. My grandparents slept downstairs. My Aunt's room and a guest room were upstairs. I slept on a roll out bed in my Aunt's room and my brother was in the next room. My Aunt worked the night shift and therefore didn't get home until about 2am. You can see the kind of freedom and opportunity that afforded my brother to abuse me on a regular basis.

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In my dream, this house was for sale and I desperately wanted to buy it. I was looking around at it's state of disrepair thinking "I can fix this, I can fix that. I can replace those. I can make this work." Every single thing was crumbling, filthy, falling apart. I was trying to hide things that were broken and playing down the seriousness of the homes condition. My BFF was there and my contractor Dave was also there. I looked to Dave and I said "What do you think? We can make this work, right?" He shook his head and said "Don't do it."

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At the same time, I was trying to figure out how I was going to get the money to buy this house I was still so determined to buy. I found a small curio cabinet that was filled with tiny figurines of wolves. I took two of them and I drove down the road where there was an Indian at the side of the street. I pulled over and tried to sell these wolf figures to him. He asked me if I was sure and, when I said yes, he paid me a great deal of money for them. I returned to the house and looked at the remaining figurines again. Although I knew I could sell them to pay for the house, I suddenly realized how valuable they were and knew it was not worth giving them up to buy this house that was falling down.

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So the first part of the dream.....completely obvious. My abusive past, trying to cover it up, trying to fix it. The second part still made sense but I wasn't sure about the symbolism of wolves and indians so I looked them up in my trusty dream dictionary. Wolves symbolize survival and Indians represent the primitive and instinctual aspect of yourself. So I was trying to "sell" my survival to hold onto my past and the Indian, my instincts, made me realize that the "wolves" were too valuable to let go of. Great dream. Great lesson.