Bad Day

Yesterday was a rough day.  Started off alright but the afternoon brought a work crisis of moderate proportion.  You know how sometimes, someone asks you to do something then they continue to check on your progress every few minutes thus impeding you from actually completing the task?  It was like that.  An IT issue caused the back wing of the office to lose connectivity to phones, internet & server.  I had no idea the cause.  I ran through my normal gamut of fixes and none worked.  I called in the big guns of my  consultants.  I was talking to 4 different people on 2 phones, flipping back & forth.  And meanwhile, all of the employees from the affected wing kept interrupting me. 
"What's the word?" 
"Any progress?"
"I need to make a conference call at 3, will it be fixed by then?"
"I have a client waiting for a proposal, is this almost fixed?"
"How's it going?"
"What's the problem?"
"Why is it taking so long?"
Etc Etc Etc

It took about 90 minutes and I finally got it fixed.  I am super thankful I wore pants yesterday because the process of finding the problem involved a great deal of crawling under desks, standing on chairs and following wiring splits through the ceiling tiles.  On top of that issue, it's been really crazy at work.  For the past two days, I've had a single task as my goal.  That task has five components and should take about two hours to complete.  After two solid days, I've yet to complete the first of the five components.  On top of that, I am staring down the face of an IT audit and the project of completely revamping my entire server setup by end of year.  To say that I am overwhelmed is a vast understatement.

I left here feeling very drained.  Happy to be headed to acupuncture which is generally extremely relaxing for me.  Except my phone started ringing on the drive home and I answered to find one of my co-workers in a panic about a serious issue.  It WAS serious and so I had to do some hustling and finagling to be able to assist her from the road. 

I got Bianca and we headed over to the acupuncture center.  We took a break from acu last spring and are just recently back to treatments.  Since we left they made a complete overhaul of staff and also they have taken to burning some sort of substance, similar to incense, that is supposed to have beneficial properties.  I greatly dislike this smell.  It's herbal and, to me, reminiscent of marajuana.  I have disliked it with a growing intensity since day one.  I complain about it regularly.  Yesterday, it was making me downright angry.  I was already in a stressed out state.  I've had a rough week with B's father drama, my confusing feelings for J and a demanding afternoon at work.  By the time I was laying on the table, I was flat out hostile.  Why should I be subjected to a smell I find so offensive??  Why am I paying all this money to be in an environment where I can't relax because I am assaulted by this horrid smell? 

I am extremely sensitive and receptive to acupuncture.  I can tell when my body energy is out of balance once he places the needles and, although I am laying perfectly straight and still, I feel like more like this:

And also like I am spinning at the same time.  It's unnerving.  So the room was spinning, I felt disjointed and contorted.  The Dr said he was going to apply an oil of something....I wish I could remember what this stuff is called but I recognized the name of the oil as the same stuff they were burning.  I said "NO!  Absolutely not!"  The Dr asked why and I said "That smell is so ungodly offensive!" The Dr replied in a very dismissive tone like "Ok, then.  We'll see you in a bit" and closed the door, making a hasty exit.  I started crying immediately, there was a huge rush of emotions.  This has happened to me before in acupuncture.  It forces a relaxation on me and all the emotions I've been holding back come flooding out.  That smell.....it was really bothering me, burning my throat, making me feel like I could not breathe and I started having a panic attack.  I calmed down once, then it resurfaced.  I calmed down again and it came back once more.  I got up and flipped out, I opened the door and was hyperventilating loudly.  Staff came running.  I was crying, pulling my needles out.  Couldn't answer their questions, couldn't breathe, couldn't say what I needed, couldn't move.  Paralyzed in every way.  Complete panic.

Something was triggered here and I can't figure out exactly what.  It originated with that smell but I don't know....is it evoking a memory??  Was it the feeling that I could not breathe?  Was it the rush of emotions that I wasn't prepared for or was it the simple fact that I feel discounted and not heard when I complain about somethig I find interolerable?  His attitude, and the staff attitude, about my objection is pacifying and dismissive.  It's insulting and I think I am being triggered in post-abuse feelings.....we know you are experiencing something you don't want but we're going to ignore your objection and expect you to just accept it.  Yes, we hear your concerns.  Smile & nod.  It's good for you, there are health benefits to the burning.  You will accept it, you have no choice.  We know better what you need. When you tell us you can't tolerate it we will promptly dismiss and ignore you.   

I imagine it was a combination of all the factors and I simply do not know how I'm going to handle it come my next appointment.  I managed to squeak out that something about the smell was triggering an emotional reaction.  We'll see if they do anything about that.  I don't know what to expect....I'm not sure I feel worthy enough to think they should change their practice for my comfort. 

Adding to the fun of my night, like insult to injury....as soon as I left the office, there was a gigantic green bug on my car door.  I tried to swish it away and it flew into my face.  And then when we got home I discovered that Bianca had done something that she and I have discussed in the past and I warned her about severe consequences should she do it again.  I decided to table the consequences since I was so angry that I was afraid I would take it out on her in the process.  So I put her to bed and got drunk.  It seemed like a reasonable solution at the time. 

Would You Like Fries With That?

Okay, so I was all happy-happy high on life when I wrote that last post. I've said that I won't be afraid to be honest when I write now. But I've got a confession to make. I was afraid to publish that feel-good post. Afraid that by declaring my happiness, the universe would surely strike me down with immediate and epic misery.

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So, on Friday, I had a crappy day at work. I had to do a software upgrade which requires all employees be out of the system for a period of time. I will spare you all the boring details but absolutely nothing about it went as planned and what was supposed to be a 20 minute process took me 6 1/2 hours. During which time, everyone was "shooting the messenger" (me) and basically not following my instructions which caused extra delays. I had a personal errand I needed to run during the day to prepare for weekend plans and I was not able to do that. I was grumpy. And I was struggling with keeping it all in perspective. And, I can admit, I was being a martyr about it. I could not let it go. I allowed it to ruin my night.

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I went to therapy on Saturday. First time in a month. I was telling my T all about how good I'm doing and how happy I'm feeling. I was telling her about my weight loss and how I have all this energy and blah blah. And then I talked about Friday and my crappy day. And I talked about the father & family thoughts that were plaguing me earlier in the month. She goes "Look, you just went out and binged on emotional fast food!" She pointed out what talking about the negative did to my mood, energy and aura.

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This is what Eckhart Tolle refers to as "the pain body." It is something that needs to be fed. I made a statement in my last post that I have not always believed that I have the strength to heal emotionally but that I'm going to choose to believe it. With this choice, I need to also choose not to feed the pain body. And I also need to roll with the fact that I'm going to have bad days, disappointments, things that don't go as planned. But they need not rock my world. I can still choose my positive energy. This is somewhat unfamiliar territory and the pain body wants to go back to the accustomed misery. But I'm so done with that.

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So here is my work in this phase. Finding balance. Not allowing my pain body to demand fodder. Not allowing a bad day to make me believe I was falsely happy before. Not to allow fear of happiness to stop me from moving ahead. Susan, my T, says FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. My fears are that I can't heal, I can't be strong enough, I don't deserve happiness and that any happiness I do muster up is a temporary illusion. Those beliefs are indeed false and they serve me no more.

Believe

I've gotta tell you I'm in an amazing place lately.

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I have been on a health journey since November. I've lost 42 pounds. It has not been particularly fun or easy. But every time that scale moves down again, it's worth it. It seems slow but I've hit a number now that feels significant to me and I'm definitely seeing the change in my appearance and in the clothes I can wear. I feel like "myself" again. I have some confidence back. I've dumped the frump and I got me some swagger. :o)

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Beyond that, I had a makeup consultation with a professional and learned some things about how to wear makeup more flattering for my age. And I got my hair colored and cut. And I whitened my teeth. And I bought a few new outfits.

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I remember this "me." This is the girl who, 8 years ago, tackled some shit and came out strong. This is the girl who went hard core on assertiveness training and left her abusive ex-husband. This is the girl who spoke her mind, who felt like she deserved some good things and wasn't afraid to say so. This is the girl who represented herself in court and kicked ass. I LIKE this girl.

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Last night I was at acupuncture. My doc was preparing for a lecture and was compiling notes/data about some of his cases. He told me he found a common theme among his patients when comparing people with dramatic results and those with mediocre results. Attitude. Belief. There are some who do not believe in the process. They do not believe they can get well. He said some people want to "own" their disease.

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Well, as far as the physical, I don't feel that way. I fully believe in chinese medicine. I wholeheartedly believe in the mind body connection. Acupuncture has been a God-send for me and it's helped me far beyond anything western medicine was ever able to accomplish. And I believe it will continue to get better.

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But I realize, I do NOT have that same belief when it comes to my emotional healing. I do not always believe that I can beat those demons. I don't always have faith in my strength. And you know what? I hate that. I want to own that part of my life....and I don't mean "own" it in the way that I'm identified with it. I mean, I want to OWN it like I want to make it my bitch!! Why not? Why can't I heal? Because I continue to identify with that broken part of me. This is MY time. The rest of me is so full of life, joy, confidence right now. This is the time for new beliefs and new revelations. This is my time to believe in me and all that I can do.

Failure, Disgust, Frustration,

Decision Making, Faithless.
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Hello friends. It's been a while since I've been here. I felt like I needed to go in a different direction with my writing but, funny, it quickly began to lead me back here. I'm going to start with a post about what is going on today and then I'll fill in the missing time as I go forward. For right now, I need to process some things.
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I still see my acupuncturist and am doing well, healthwise. He has introduced me to something called NAET which is a natural method of treating allergies. It is used to change the body's energy reaction to certain elements. I know it works for food and environmental allergies. I didn't realize, at first, it also works for emotional issues.
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A few months back, I was suffering from nonstop obsessive fear of dying. I could not make it stop. I could not sleep, could not relax, could not stop the thoughts. I went to the doctor and asked him to help me with the anxiety. I explained the thoughts and he suggested NAET. With one treatment, the thoughts were gone. GONE. And have not come back again.
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Lately, I have been consumed with negative thoughts. Everything I do is not good enough. All I see is what I've not accomplished, what is wrong, what is bad, where I'm behind, where I've dropped the ball. I will not recognize any positive thing I've done. It's immediately overtaken by the other thoughts. "Oh, you accomplished that? Well, take a look at that, that, that and that which you have not done. Loser! Don't pat yourself on the back for that piddly accomplishment when you know you're a complete failure at everything else." I don't want to live in this space and so I went to my doc and asked if he could hit me up with some NAET to clear these thoughts out.
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He asked if I could put a name to the feelings. Corresponding emotions. I was not sure....frustration maybe? So he tested me with certain elements, through neuromuscular reaction, to see what was going on. And the things I tested positive for are: Failure. Disgust. Frustration. Decision Making. Faithless. Yeah, that sounds about right. I talked to my T about the session and she asked me to write about each of those very powerful feelings and see if I can help identify the thoughts around each of them. And so, here I am.
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Failure. As the title and opening of my blog tells, I expect perfection of myself. And frankly there is NO better way to feel like a total failure than to expect the impossible of yourself. Yet I still do it. I know, in my head, that this is a losing battle. I can tell you all the "right" things that I should be thinking, feeling, setting my sights on. And, I believe all those things. For everyone except me. I still cling to the notion that somehow, someway I can do it all and do it perfectly. I live in my head with no connection to my heart, to reality. And no interest in cutting myself a break and saying it's okay to be human. You know what this is right here....this is me taking over for my abusers. This is me absolutely denying myself the right to be free. This is me being terrified of what freedom might feel like, of what loving myself might look like and of who I will be if I'm not this slave to my own fears.

Disgust. I suppose goes hand in hand, right? I am constantly disgusted with my inability to get it right, to do it all. Further, I am disgusted with the state of my home, my office, my finances. I am disgusted at myself for not keeping up with my blog, for "failing" at my other attempt, for not being a perfect mom. I am disgusted with other people and the choices they make. Things that have nothing to do with me. But I sit in judgment on others because I so harshly judge myself. And I'm disgusted with myself for being so self righteous and judgmental. It's not who I want to be. So naturally, I'm disgusted with myself for being who I don't want to be.
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Frustration. Comes in because I am in this place of emotional purgatory. I intellectualize everything and I see it, I get it. I could be a therapist for someone else and say all the right things. But there is no emotional connection to that within me. What I know in my head is blocked off by the brick wall surrounding my heart. It was sometimes better to not know. Ignorance is bliss....sometimes it's entirely too true.
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Decision Making. Well, sure. How am I supposed to make decisions when I wallow in the fear of failure day in and out? I have been having some major struggles with Bianca, issues that require me to be on my game and to make decisions about what is best for her. I have felt paralyzed. Decisions at work. Decisions about what to do with my house. Whether I should move. Decisions about what to do with my time. Soooo....for the most part, I avoid the choices. (Except for Bianca....that required action) But if I can get out of making a decision, I will. Because I'm too scared. And for some reason, I don't feel equipped to make good choices. Why? Because I've made bad ones in the past? Who hasn't? Oooohhhh, right.....it's because I was not supposed to make bad choices because I am supposed to be perfect and so avoiding new decisions takes away the chance of making a mistake. Yep, got it.
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Faithless. I am not sure in exactly which context this is meant but I took it literal. As in God - faith. And no, I am ashamed to say, I don't have faith in God. It literally pains me to say that because I know it's "wrong" and honestly, I don't want to feel that way. But it's another area in which I live in my head. There is no letting God into my heart right now. He's been there. It didn't save me. Well, maybe it did save me but not in the way I wanted to be saved. It's too hard for me to accept things on faith right now. I believe in Him; that is without question. But putting my faith out there.....it's more than I am capable of right now. Faith and vulnerability go hand in hand and it's just not a leap I'm prepared for today.
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I hope to soften. I hope that the work I am doing now will allow me to break the wall between head and heart, so that I can begin to change all of these things. Maybe this is a step in the right direction. It feels so right to be back here.

Promising

I've been going to Acupuncture for almost 6 months now. Last month, I had a re-evaluation that showed a 55% overall improvement in my symptoms since I started. We've worked mainly on stress relief, chronic pain, management of anxiety. I'm happy to report I'm more relaxed, I sleep better and I'm weaning off my anxiety medication.
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We have talked about working on my eating disorder but hadn't really started treating it until last week. My eating disorder is actually a food addiction. My Dr. did his internship at an inner city hospital treating Meth & Heroin addicts with acupuncture. With success. So last week, we decided it was time to make this the primary focus of my appointments. The addiction points are in the ears as you may have gathered from the pic. So last week, he did 6 points in my ears. Interesting sensation. The day he did it, I didn't feel any difference in my cravings. The following two days, they felt somewhat reduced. I went back on Monday of this week. He did 8 ear points. I could tell something serious was going on in my body from how I felt as I lay there. I felt as if my body was curled backwards in a circle, almost like I was laying over a big medicine ball. Those disjointed feelings always indicate that the flow of energy has been out of whack. The result was so radical, I am still shocked.
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Let me back up to a typical night with this food addict.... Generally, Bianca and I eat dinner together, I put her to bed and then the binging begins. But even before the binge, I'm setting it up in my head. If there are leftovers from dinner I leave them sitting out on the kitchen counter. While I'm in the kitchen, I'm mentally and visually scanning what will be part of the night binge. My mind is fully occupied with this. If there are leftovers that are getting old, I know they will need to be eaten because I can't possibly let them go to waste. Waste is a huge thing for me with food. (Long complex explanation but basically I attach human qualities to food and it pains me to "reject" it by throwing it away.) After Bianca is in bed, I go back downstairs and immediately immerse myself in the binge. Starting with the leftovers if there are any. Followed by whatever else I'd planned or I find as I go through my routine. I continue until I feel "done" which is an ambiguous feeling. "Done" can mean I just feel like I've had enough...something hit "the spot" or I just plain feel sick. It may mean I can't seem to fill the emptiness so I give up and go to bed. It can mean it's late and I know I need to get some sleep. It could be that I'm overcome by disgust and remorse. Whatever the case, "done" is generally unpleasant.
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Now let me tell you about Monday night, after Acupuncture. Bianca and I stopped for Chinese take out because it was really late and I knew I would not have time to cook the meal I planned. Chinese is something I never save leftovers of because it does not reheat well, IMHO! So normally, I would leave it out and consume it after B is in bed. Instead, this night, I ate most of what was on my plate and I felt pleasantly sated. Bianca finished and I threw everything leftover in the garbage. Including the heinously irresistable little fried dough pillows from heaven that are rolled in sugar and melt in your mouth. Right in the garbage, no second thought. As I cleaned up from dinner and threw away the leftovers, I had no thoughts of food. There was no scanning, scheming, planning for what was next. There was not a care of food. Before I went to bed, I had a small sugar free popsicle while I was using the computer. There was no need, no urgency, no addictive behavior associated with it. It was a full 180 experience for me. And one I loved. I felt so free of the prison of addictive thoughts and behavior. I can only hope this is what's in store for me as I continue the acupuncture treatment.
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I didn't expect it to last since we're just at the beginning stages. Yesterday was not as good as Monday but not as bad as my typical behavior. Today, I feel the real urges coming back. I'm okay with that, though. Like I said, I didn't expect it to "stick" yet. I've only had 2 treatments for a problem that's plagued me for a lifetime. But it's a promising start.

Open the Barn

So I've been ruminating an idea for a while. One that seems a little unconventional. And one I'm almost embarassed to admit to.
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Hypnosis
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I know nothing about it really. I heard an ad on the radio a couple months back for a center in my state. It's not terribly close to me but I have been pondering calling them. I looked up their website on the internet and I was intrigued. I bookmarked it and tucked it away in my head.
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With the new year here, it's time to start focusing on some goals again and dealing with my food issues is front & center in my mind. I went to check out the bookmarked website and wouldn't you know it? The site was temporarily unavailable. I tried a different search just to see if I could get the phone# for the center. What came up instead? A woman right here in my town with 25 years experience, loads of testimonials, even some from compulsive eaters/food addicts, like myself. Her site says she can help with (among other things) weight, cravings, anxiety, stress, motivation, concentration, migraines, abuse issues, self esteem.
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I decided to call her, expecting an answering machine but she answered the phone. She shared her history with me and how she got into this field. It was quite interesting! She told me that hypnosis is nothing more than the acceptance of suggestions. Traditional hypnosis is done by direct suggestion. "You will no longer want to binge." She said "this is like mowing the lawn to get rid of the weeds. The seed, the root, is still below the surface." She is specially trained to use an age regression technique, a deeper work to get rid of the "root". She said I will always be fully aware and fully in control. She can't make me say or do anything that I would not normally do in real life.
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The subconscious thinks it's bringing us comfort. It kicks in to protect us when it senses anything that it identifies as a potential threat to our physical or emotional self. It is ageless, timeless, does not know "right" or "wrong" and it loves repetition. It cannot be reasoned with through the conscious mind. I know where my food issues began. I was taught to soothe with food and, even though it no longer serves me, it's now my learned behavior even when I don't want it. She said "you can't undo life but you can undo emotions." She said "We were never taught what to DO with all those emotions and how to handle them in a productive and healthy way. So what I will do with you is open the barn door and start shoveling manure until we hit cement!" (I *love* that statement!!)
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I got a really, really good vibe from her. She told me she usually takes 4-6 sessions with someone. After 4, she will know if it's going to be effective. She's not even 10 minutes away from me at work but each session is 2 hours. I should be able to swing that for 4-6 weeks (once a week). So I made an appointment for a free consultation with her next week to talk more in depth about what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm very interested. I don't know if it will work for me but I feel like I've hit a plateau with therapy. I mean...I LOVE my T, don't get me wrong. But I still feel "stuck" in this same place as far as my eating disorder is concerned and I wonder if maybe this may help me by addressing it in a different way. In fact, I feel very stuck in my conscious mind...I try to intellectualize the problem. I try to reason with it. I can't make that transition to the subconscious, probably one of the reasons that inner child work is near impossible for me. She told me that during hypnosis, senses are enhanced 3-4,000 times what they normally are. I feel like this is worth a try for me and I hope I gain some positive benefit.

On The Cusp

I feel as if I'm at the brink of some potentially huge things in my life and in my healing. A crossroads, of sorts.

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I have been receiving acupuncture treatments for about 8 weeks now. I sought this avenue in hopes it would help my body energy, my Qi (pronounced Chee), to start moving. It seemed hopelessly stuck and I was holding tremendous tension in a few select areas of my body. I can tell in the short time I've been seeing this Dr that I've had a large improvement. I have had this pain in my shoulder for 10 years and it's been debilitating at times. When I began with this doc, I rated my pain on a 1-10 scale at an 8. Now I rate it at a 3 and there are days I'm pain free. Today he did the official re-evaluation and charted my results against my initial visit. I've had a 40% overall improvement with 13 sessions. Yes, I would say it's working for me! I'm much more in balance. Still not balanced, LOL, but getting better. We've made a plan for the coming 10 weeks which includes my attempting to do some Tai Chi, get more sleep (he gave me a natural sleep aid to help with busy brain nights which I took about 30 minutes ago), and attending a few seminars he gives at his office. Next one is on Trigger Point Stress Reduction....I'm all for that!!

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An interesting point. He measures different meridians of the body. Last time, I had 4 that were "deficient" (below normal level). This time I had only one. It's the bladder meridian. Dr asked if I had back pain or urinary issues. Nope. He delves futher into his materials to see what else can cause such a marked deficiency in this area. "Holding onto the past, inability to let go of old ideas" Bingo!!

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I feel like my primary goal with him is well on it's way. That was getting the Qi to start moving. Now requires some effort from me which will be harder but I know it's worth it. Now we're approaching dealing with my addiction as the next layer of treatment. In his internship, he worked with crack addicts using acupuncture and was moderately successful. If he can have moderate success with crack....surely there is a possibility for him to alleviate my food issues!? Time will tell. Time....and alot of needles in my ears!

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I say I am at a crossroads because, as I heal and change physically, I now face the question of what to do with that emotionally. If I experience emotions and my Qi flows and the feelings are actually being FELT.....now what?? How do I deal with that? Old coping mechanism says "eat. Binge. Stuff those feelings back down where they belong." If my body stops craving food as a means to disocciate and numb out....well then, do I choose to binge anyhow to avoid feeling? Of course the logical answer is NO....but I become scared. When I don't have the urge to binge, I'm frightened and I want to eat just because it's familiar. I know that I need to sit, breathe, relax and deal with the uncomfortable feelings of fear, anxiety, unfamiliarity. Feeling the feelings is still so threatening to me. Why? Really....why?? What do I think I can't deal with at this point? Nothing. Go back to the cause of the deficient bladder meridian.....I'm simply holding onto old thoughts and fears.

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Well, the good news is....I have a T appt in 20 minutes so I'll have more to say about that in a bit!!

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Well....it's really nothing I didn't already know. The thing is that I KNOW the truth in my head. I understand how illogical it is to be "afraid" to change for the better. I know and want all the right, healthy things. So why, why, why is it so difficult to jump over those branches and get to the other side. Unconscious messages, T says. Truly stuck in the unconscious. She said it's such a compelling theory that it fueled a kinetics study. They found that reversal statements helped release the unconscious negative belief. They found that people who made statements of affirmation, without first doing the reversal statement exercise, actually made their condition worse because it essentially pushed the unconscious belief deeper into the psyche. So T gave me a reversal statement to work on which I am to do at least one, hopefully two, cycles of this every day.

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It's never the quick fix, is it? But this is something I struggle with day in, day out.....the things I know in my head vs the things I can't seem to release from my heart. Anything and everything is worth a try to release myself from this prison.

Balance

Balance: stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis; equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements; equality between the totals of the two sides of an account; physical equilibrium; the ability to retain one's balance
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What is this strange feeling? Relaxation? Yes....but there's more. *Gasp* It's balance. I feel balanced.
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I went for an acupuncture treatment this morning. It was my fourth, if you count the disastrous first experience as a treatment. Which I actually do even though it was not fun. Today....today was better than fun. It verged on magical. It was, dare I say, spiritual. I'm happy to say that I respond really well to acupuncture. So fast that even the Dr is impressed! He put my needles in, felt my pulse and said one was strong and another weak. Asked if I would mind one more needle. Nope, no problem...make me into a porcupine if you want!! He pops the needle in and immediately feels my pulse again and it's already balanced out! He turns down the lights and leaves me for 20 minutes of zen-bliss!!
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I felt so in touch, so aware yet so peaceful and relaxed at the same time. I, again, had the odd sensations of being "crooked." This time was really strange because my head felt like it was bent as far to the side as it could go yet I could not tell which side it felt bent toward! The longer I was there, the deeper my relaxation. By the time the session was over, I was on the verge of nodding off but I felt like a new woman! It really did take me a few minutes to recognize that the subsequent feeling was balance. I don't often (err umm EVER) feel balanced. Wow, what a lovely feeling!
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After the session, I grabbed some Starbucks and had a 45 minute drive to think. My BFF, Jennie, has undergone some major progress in her emotional health lately. I'm going to admit that there is part of me that is a little envious of that. Last weekend something happened to her that she was happy about and I did not think it was as great as she did. I realized I've been almost hovering around waiting for some sort of "fallout" on her part. Waiting there to pick up the pieces because that's been one of my roles in her life for a long time. It has gotten better over time and I'd say we've reached a point in the past year or so where it's not totally unhealthy but today I was able to see that there is still an element of codependency there for me. When I'm helping her pick up the pieces of her life, I don't have to think about my own. When she is the one emoting all her fears, frustrations, disappointments there is no room for me to consider my own. I get to fix hers instead. Now that she seems to be really pulling herself together, I think about how that changes our "dance" and how it affects my world. Will I now be the "unstable" one? Will the pressure now be on me to do all the feeling, crying, venting, leaning? Yikes.
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On the other hand, I find myself really inspired by her progress and it makes me excited to do my own work. She could not have had a happier childhood or more loving parents. Sure they made their mistakes by virtue of being very young when they had her. But they are wonderful people. Our backgrounds are polar opposite so how we ended up with some of the same insecurities is a mystery that makes us both laugh! In any case, I've always taken the role of "big sis" or the "stronger" one. Now I see where she is and I feel that shifting. The prospect of now being the "weaker" one, and leaning on her for help or guidance, is not just unfamiliar.....it's dreadful. I'm not sure how I'm adapting to that. For me, and I'm sure many of you will relate to this, my "strength" is nothing more than my mask. It's nothing more than the sheer force of my determination not to let my feelings get the better of me. Not to be vulnerable. My strength is really my biggest weakness. The strongest, bravest thing I can do is to fall apart and let go. I feel like I'm being challenged....whether it's out of inspiration or competitiveness is another question. I'm not so sure it matters, though, as long as I get to where I need to be. As I proofread this, the thought occurs to me that I don't know why I need to think of us in terms of stronger/weaker instead of just equal individuals with each our own set of traits. I'm going to focus on that! And on the fact that I have her, and a few other "safe" friends who I know I can let down my guard with and not be judged.
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I haven't seen my T in a few weeks. Since Bianca started school and sports it's been tough to find a mutually agreeable time. I feel in need of her perspective. With the support of acupuncture and getting back into a regular schedule with her, I feel ready to come off my Effexor. I'm hoping to use one of the long holiday weekends to finish that process which means I'll need to start weaning in the next month or two. Which means I have to see my GP Dr. Which means I have to face medical issues I've been avoiding with her. Which means I want to find out when the acupuncture doc will be able to start working on addiction points (those are in the ears....not sure how I feel about needles in my ears!!). It's all tied up in a cyclical pattern which on any other given day could make me crazy and not want to deal with any of it. But I told myself this AM I will not let anything disturb my balance today. So I'm going to remember to breathe deeply and deal with it. One. Step. At. A. Time.

The Well is Empty

So....I survived Thursday and Bianca's first day. I cried for hours after dropping her off. Not just cried, like shedding tears. I sobbed. Wailing sobs. For hours.
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This is not something that is typical of me. At All. I generally reserve my emotions and cut off or stifle tears as quickly and rigidly as possible. This was beyond control. First of all, the last few weeks have been full of anxiety in preparation for that day. We had a long day on Weds. I barely slept Weds night because I was anxious and I was starting to get sick. All my strengths were down. As I wrote about in my previous post, dropping Bianca off at Kindergarten triggered me in all kinds of ways and the tears that ensued were a deep release of old, tightly bottled pain. I couldn't eat anything that morning. I was feeling pretty weak and run down when I headed off to my first acupuncture appointment.
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I assumed this was good timing for acupuncture. I felt like I was in a relaxed state after all that had happened so it would follow naturally I'd continue to be relaxed through the appointment. I was very excited for my first experience and to see what it was like. I was also excited for the 20 minutes in a dark room to reach a deep state of relaxation. So my Dr. comes in and explains the process. He tells me he is going to start easy with just a few points and work more on some of my peripheral issues as opposed to jumping into core issues. We're really laying a groundwork at the moment. So I feel a tap on my head like center of the forehead but above the hairline. He asks me how that was and I tell him I felt nothing but a tap. Excellent!! I've mentioned before that I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot. He squeezes a point on my right wrist, tells me to move my left shoulder & how does it feel? Sore, as always. Okay, squeezes another point on my right wrist, now how does the left shoulder feel? Ummmmm....it feels....good?!? So he pops me with a needle in that spot. Proceeds to put in a few more in each wrist/hand and a few more in my lower legs. Only one point "hurt" and I use that for lack of a better word. It was more just like I was aware of an unfamiliar sensation in that spot. Funny to note that, hours later, that spot was madly itchy!
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Anyway, he takes off my glasses and puts them somewhere on the counter. He turns down the lights to almost nil and tells me to relax, take a nap if I want. I need to "cook" for 20 minutes. So I'm laying there and sensations start abounding. I feel sort of floaty, spinny sensations. I feel "crooked" like my body is in a zigzag pattern. That has happened to me before with body energy work. Next I start to feel like the inside of my chest is cold, like I have a Vicks VapoRub under my skin! Aaaand then I start to feel a little clammy and unpleasant. I lay there, I breathe. Oh boy.....not good. Trying not to disturb the needles, I get up from the table and try to find my glasses which....you know...without them on, I can't see where they are! I feel my way over to the door and poke my head out with a meek "Excuse me??" The Dr comes running and I tell him I am feeling very nauseous. I ask him if he can pop another needle somewhere to help alleviate that and he says "I think we're past that point already" and tells me I don't look so good. He takes all the needles out, asks me if I want some water and I say no, I'm going to be sick. Holy moly......I was violently sick. VI-O-LENT!! When done, I am clinging to his sink, sweating, shaking. He asks if I want to sit down on the table. I say "No" and collapse on the floor. He and his assistant help me get my bearings and I lay down on the table. I ask "How many times has that happened??" None....of course. I'm the first in his seven years of practice. Excellent....love being a trendsetter!
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He said he knows I felt "relaxed" when I came in but in actuality, I was running on fumes. The well is Empty!! He pointed out I had not slept, I had not eaten and I'd had a massive "emotional purge" that morning. He said I was really functioning on adrenaline alone. When he tapped into my relaxation core and some digestive points, my blood sugar plummeted which he believes was responsible for the vomiting and hence a physical purge as well. He said the good news is that now we know you are highly receptive to acupuncture. Perhaps a little TOO receptive!! So they gave me some juice and had me hang out for a while before they would let me drive. I was supposed to go straight from there to pick up Bianca but I decided to take some self care, me-time. I went to Panera and got a bowl of soup and recuped. I go back on Tuesday morning for session #2 and, this time, someone is staying in the room with me!!!!
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Ending on a bright note, I went to pick up Bianca at the after school program and she didn't want to leave! She made a friend who happens to live right in our complex and really enjoyed herself. We were both exhausted last night and fell asleep on the couch together at 7pm! Dropoff this morning was easier on me, for sure. She was a little clingy but no tears. I can't wait to see her later and hear all about her day. And looking forward to a long weekend.

Qi - Body Energy

So I took a step in a new direction today. I went to my first appointment at a natural health center. The Dr was actually recommended to me by Susan, my T.

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It went SO great!!! I'm in love with the Dr! He's so sweet and gentle. He said he'd never done such a quick intake because I had all my facts in a row and a 100% clear goal of what I wanted to accomplish. I told him he could credit Susan with that! He said that I am the perfect candidate for acupuncture and he loves to use it for cases like mine.

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He did something called a Digital Meridian Analysis on my meridian points which measures the energy at meridan points. Some things were better than others. He said it really mirrored what I told him about what I experience. Funny, I was looking at the notes he made before we went to do the DMA and he wrote down "LI meridian". As I look at the paperwork he gave me, I see why! It says:

Your Large Intestine Meridian energy is excessive. Energetic disturbances in the LI meridian may involve oe or more of the following emotional factors: holding onto the past, fear of letting go, crying, compulsion to neatness, defensiveness.

Excessive chi in the LI meridian may indicate a potential for stiff shoulder, tooth/jaw ache, dizziness.

Stiff shoulder? That's my #1 stress spot and causes me chronic pain.

He was even able to tell me, by looking at the readings, my peak stress hours and what time I go to bed! I'm setting up a series of 3 acupuncture treatments and then we re-evaluate. Said he usually sees the biggest changes after 8-12 appointments but everyone is different. He did say that since we're dealing with a lifelong issue, it may take longer but not necessarily.

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Oh, he also told me about his internship where he used acupuncture on crack addicts and had positive results in overcoming addiction. So he will use some of those techniques on me to help with the food addiction. He also worked at 9/11 Ground Zero to help survivors and trauma workers with PTSD and has been using acupuncture to treat returning soldiers for PTSD.

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I'm happy it went so well....now let's just see if I have results!! If nothing else, he said most people feel very rejuvenated and in balance after a session. Oh, when he measure my overall results on a chart, I was at a 28.5 measurement of energy balance. That's 28.5...out of 100!! So, I'm pretty out of synch, no shocker there! I'm really looking forward to starting my treatments!!

Awfulizing

"Awfulizing" is a term that Susan, my T, uses. It refers to when I allow my thoughts to run away with me into the worst possible scenarios. I used to do it constantly and I've gotten much better with it to the point I barely allow it at all. Lately, though, I've been serving up a hefty dose of it.

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I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot where I am constantly in a state of clenched & tightened muscles. It causes pain, tenderness, aches, fatigue, spasms and general all-around unpleasantness in my shoulder, collarbone, neck, jaw, head, arm, chest, shoulderblade/back. It gets worse when I'm in a panic or anxiety mode. I've often thought I was having a heart attack because of the intensity of the pain.

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It's particularly bad this week and I can feel it expanding now into the area of my ribs, lungs, neck. My body is very tricky in the manifestation of stress. It likes to attack in a certain way to send me into maximum panic and only when I finally accept that it's not a physical problem, it disappears and moves onto some other odd symptom. So the newest thing is this discomfort in the lung area of my chest as opposed to just the heart area. In addition, my chest feels kindof tight and it radiates up into my neck when I breathe deeply. So here I go.....

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"I'm having a heart attack. No, that's not what it is. It's muscular, like the Dr said. But this is different pain, it's something new. It's heart failure, cardiomyopathy. It's Cancer. Oh God, I just know I have cancer, I'm sure of it. I can feel it spreading through my body like poison. It's TMJ. It's a brain tumor. I'm having an aneurysm. Bianca is going to find me dead on the floor. I'm going to die while driving and crash killing her, too. I should go see the Dr but I don't want to deal with it. It's lung failure. And what about those bruises? I bet I'm having kidney failure, too and I'm going to die from that. That's it, everything is diseased and I'm having total organ failure, just a question of which one is going to give out first. I'm about to die. I bet I won't even make it to Bianca's birthday party. What will she do without me?" Repeat, ad nauseum.

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I can't seem to shake the awfulizing lately. I don't feel good. I'm sure the 99% humidity isn't helping since the air quality is crap for breathing right now. And I've been feeling extremely lightheaded which I'm sure has nothing to do with the fact that I seem to be completely inept at taking one stupid pill a day (Effexor) so I'm all over the place taking it every, oh, day & a half or so when I get the jitters & brain-buzzies that remind me I didn't take it.

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I feel like a freak. I know I need to focus on my health but it's all tied into my addiction and I feel like I am only capable of baby steps right now. The "not-knowing" is bliss and torture at the same time.

Gatekeeper

Had T Weds night and I went with no particular agenda. As is always the case, Susan asks me to just relax & breathe and see what comes up for me. I've been feeling particularly stressed lately with alot on my plate. It was a rather hectic weekend and the first half of the week wasn't any better.

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There is a funny thing that happens to me when I relax. Whenever I do my grounded breathing I get a headache. It happens after about a minute when I finally start to let down. If I fight it, the headache is prolonged. If I just breathe through it then it goes away in about a minute and that is how I know I'm really relaxing. I asked Susan what she thinks that could be. She can't say for certain but she believes it's my mind trying to hold onto everything that I intellectualize instead of allowing it to let down and be felt as emotions. It makes sense and goes along with the way I feel it in my head. That is crazy....my mind actually causes itself pain trying not to let me feel pain??

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Anyway, we talked about my busy-ness and she told me I need to do two things. #1: Be more realistic when making plans or taking on obligations. Did I really NEED to volunteer to bring a salad, an entree AND dessert for the teachers during Provider Appreciation Week?? Could I not have done just ONE thing instead?? I get too wrapped up in things. Sure, I thought about just doing the entree but then, *gasp*, horror-of-horrors....what if the salad someone else made didn't compliment my entree? I chose three simple things but Susan is right, add them all together on a Monday night and no, I wasn't being realistic about what I could do. What ends up happening is that I sacrifice sleep. Now, in the old days.....that was no big deal. An extra cup of java and I'm good to go. But you know....I'm not 22 anymore. I'm going to be 40 in a few weeks and that crap doesn't fly anymore. I woke up with a headache that grew into a migraine until I could not function at work and I ended up having to sleep it off in my car while I should have been working. So I really need to think realistically about my plans and their consequences. That made me scared. I felt fear at the thought of saying no to things.

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And #2: When I'm in the middle of doing something, be there. Don't be into the next thing in my mind already. While my weekend was very full, it was all fun stuff. But you know, I didn't really have that much fun because in my head, I was stressing about what comes next. Even though I had to be a bit of a clockwatcher all weekend, there is no reason I should not have allowed myself to be present and enjoy the party, the get-together, ice skating, etc.

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"Being Present" is something that Susan and I discuss often. But we've decided to make it a big time focus in the coming weeks and months. In fact, she said that once I can get a handle on this, it will be good timing to come off my anxiety meds. Anxiety, she said, is caused primarily when one is either storytelling, jumping ahead to the future or clinging to the past. If living in the present and staying grounded, well....unless there is an extreme situation going on, there's not alot to be anxious about.

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"Speaking of 'clinging to the past'," I say to Susan, "Why can't I get Tom out of my head?" (Tom is XBF who I broke up with over 2 years ago but I saw him recently and he's been on my mind again) I don't love him anymore and I know enough bad stuff about him now that there should be no reason for me to ever think of him!! But you know, I really did truly love that man. He is the first and only man I've ever really loved and I guess that holds a place in my heart. More than that, though, I realized that it's just all the plans we'd made together and that every so often, I get the jab of "this is not where I was supposed to be at this point in my life" Even as I write it now, the threat of tears stings my eyes and I hold it back so hard that my jaw and my head ache. This is what happened in Susan's office, as well. I can understand it now because I'm at work. But why when I was safe in therapy? I tried to breathe into it, I tried to connect to it and release it. But it was NOT going to happen. My body was braced so hard against it. I made an offhand remark to Susan that it was not getting past "the Gatekeeper". Susan told me to address this "gatekeeper" and even suggested I write a letter to it/him/her.

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When I searched for images of a Gatekeeper, I was pleasantly surprised to find out it's a type of butterfly! That's a nice image. But the image I had in my mind was dark, a faceless, ghoulish figure, hunched over a covered barrel, reaching out with a deformed arm scooping up the bits of emotion that were beginning to escape and shoving them back into the barrel quickly slamming a lid back down on top so no more could get out.

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At the end of the session, I thought about what we'd discussed. Unable to relax, over extending myself, not allowing myself to enjoy fun things, afraid to be different, holding onto grief and unwilling to let it go. And all I could say was "Man, I'm really determined to torture myself, aren't I?" I *know* that life would be so much better without all this baggage but for the life of me, I don't know how to be different. It's so frustrating when I can see the goal but I can't seem to get there. And the only obstacle is me.

An Update on My Busy Brain

As I mentioned in my last post, I often struggle with falling asleep at night due to my "busy brain" which likes to keep anxious thoughts swirling at a pace that would put the Tasmanian Devil to shame!

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I'd discussed it last week with Susan and came up with some plans to try to alleviate that. It's been working well but I knew Sunday night would be the true test. That is my worst night because I beat myself up over what I didn't accomplish over the weekend and I get myself worked up about what needs to be done at the office in the morning.

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Yesterday was a pretty good day. Bianca and I had been out all day on Saturday. From skating lessons in the morning, then a lunch get-together and outlet shopping in the evening. I have to share this because it's so funny. At the outlets, we went to 3 stores for Bianca and then I wanted to make a quick stop in one store for me on the way out. After a few minutes in that store, Bianca says "Mama, are you almost done because I don't have very much time to spend in here!" Like she's got some big plans later, or what? She cracks me up.

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I plunked Bianca in my bed with the TV on while I started what I'd intended to be some minor sorting of her new spring/summer clothes. Well, it turned into an all-out wardrobe changing. I pulled out the storage bins and started pulling out too-small clothes and the really heavy winter clothes so I could put them away. I had things layed out all over her room. Finally around 1am, I called it quits. She was still awake! We both slept in my bed until the beautiful hour of 10am! How nice! Through the day, I was able to do all the laundry, put away her clothes, do some organizing, prepared last years spring clothes for sale on Ebay, dishes, cooking & some snuggle time. I had to feel good about that!

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When I finally got into bed at night, my mind went to it's familiar place of criticism: "You didn't run the dishwasher, you left a load of laundry in the dryer, you should have done this...you didn't do that...etc." intermingled with "Make sure you wake up early, gotta do XYZ at work, need to sure you finish ABC, but not until you blah, blah, blah." With deep breathing, I was able to turn it around, praise myself for what I did get done and remind myself that I had plenty of time in the morning to begin planning what needed to be done at work. I was successful and I slept solid through the night. Yay!!

Connections...Connections....

I saw Susan this morning and went with little on my agenda. I figured we'd talk about my anxiety surrounding Bianca going to Kindergarten and making the right decision for her school. It's often the sessions I have "nothing" to talk about that I get the most out of.
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When I got there, I started off just filling her in on what's been happening since I last saw her. Told her about our long weekend in NH. Then started in on the stress of the happenings when I returned to the office. I was discussing what she and I have talked about before; how I know everything is about choices and consequences but how I feel like I just can't get a handle on things. There has to be a happy medium between where I am and where I'd like to be. Susan asked me how I was feeling at that moment and I said I was wound up. She had me do a centering exercise and then we started talking again. I said how I have such guilt over what is not getting done and this ever present sense of failure. She asked me where is the evidence that I'm a failure? I said "My back log at work, my messy house...." She then asked me where is evidence to the contrary, evidence of what I'm doing right? Umm. "I don't know" I said. She said "Sure you do," and asked me again. I said "um, Bianca?" She asked me what else and all I could see was what I did wrong, what I didn't accomplish, what I'm ashamed of. I can't see what I've done. I see only what I haven't. And I started to cry. So I knew we were onto something.
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Susan asked me what the "little girl" had to gain by holding onto the failures? Nothing. I mean, I know that intellectually. What does she have to lose by letting that go? "Familiarity," I answered. She asked me where this thinking comes from and I was easily able to answer that it was outside messages from my father.....stupid, worthless, nothing you do is good enough. And Susan asked me why I so desperately wanted to make him right? Blech. I don't. Nothing pleases me more than making him wrong! Yet I let his messages dominate my thinking about myself, my worth and my abilities.
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As she and I were discussing this, there were thoughts swirling in my head. It was really, really hard for me to say it but I knew it was a crucial point for me to acknowledge. "My weight," I whispered. "Somewhere in here, my weight plays a huge role. I have this 'fat and lazy' image in my head and I think I'm working so hard, trying to do more than anyone else to prove that I'm NOT fat and lazy yet at the same time, I'm creating a life where that is all I *can* be. Between my eating disorder and the choices I make, too much work, too high expectations, not enough sleep....I make sure that is exactly what I turn out to be." Phew.....the floodgates opened and I cried so hard.
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When I was done, my chest ached. I mean it ACHED. Because it's where I hold all my stress and pain. It hurt and yet it felt strangely hollow and very, extremely exposed. I hugged one of the pillows from her couch to my chest. She asked me get in touch with what emotion or feeling I had at that moment. I already knew......vulnerable. All I wanted to do was turn off her lights and hide in a corner in the dark. Desperately, my head sought out jokes I could make to break the intensity of what I was feeling. Susan said that I seemed much more "present" at that point. I told her I really didn't want to be present and it took all my energy to remain there emotionally and not to dissociate.
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After a few more minutes, I told her I was ready to change topics. I knew I'd put something huge out there but I needed to back off of it and mull it over later (knowing I'd come home to my blog!). I realize that I've made an enormous connection that challenges pretty much the entire way I live my life and judge myself. It's going to take alot of energy and processing and conscious thought to start to change the pattern. I'm committed to it but I'm scared to death.
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I took the last few minutes of my session to discuss my anxiety over Kindergarten. As we talked, I pondered how much of my feelings are "normal Mom" fears and how much is "survivor" fears. She validated that it's a tough thing to sort out since we, as survivors, have such struggle with "normal" and not knowing what it looks like. I mean, for me, 5 years old was not a safe age. So I project MY experience of being 5 onto Bianca, worrying that it will be as full of pain for her as it was for me. I don't want her to be afraid of the world but I was. I started talking about the fact that I'd be sending her out into the world and that I'd be so far away. An hour away. That has been really, really weighing on me. And as I said it, my eyes opened wide when the realization kicked in. This is about *my* mother. My mother wasn't "there" for me and my worry is that because I'm not physically close, Bianca will feel that I'm not there for her. When I know that is so not the case. Because emotionally, I am soooo there for her. Geographical proximity is not what establishes the ability to support her....it's in our relationship and what we build together in our home and in our time together. Ah, things are coming together. Perhaps, by the time she starts in August.....I may just survive it after all.

Seriously???

So this is me from 4:00 this morning. Well, at least it's my ugly, infected, swollen, goopy eye. My eye felt a little sore last night so I took out my contacts. It had a little red splotch at the inner corner and I thought I must have burst a blood vessel from vomiting during the migraine episode yesterday. Not uncommon due to the force of migraine vomiting.

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Enter 4am and awakening to the sensation that my eye was about to burst out of my head. I look at it and the whole thing is blood red and (this is way gross, sorry....) the actual white part of my eye is bulging over the edges of my eyelid because it's so swollen. WTH?!?!?!???? It *KILLS*. It hurts so much, I can't even tell you. I deduce from the green goo that is oozing from it that I managed to catch my DD's pink eye. But I have no idea how it went from one little splotch to this in a matter of 6 hours. I've been using her eyedrops and it's not really getting any better. I have an eye Dr appt at 3:00. **See Update at end of post**

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Not to mention that DD woke up at 4am also....I guess she heard me which is unlike her. Generally, I could have a Monster Truck Rally in her bedroom and she'd sleep through it. So she is going to have a rough day on top of it....AND we have choir rehearsal tonight so it's our late night. *sigh*

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I just find it nearly comedic that the weekend I decide to pull my shit together, organize my life, start getting back on track and attracting positive energy to my days is the exact same time I got (1.) a cold (2.) a severe migraine and (3.) this hideous eye infection. Seriously?? Reprieve, please???

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**Update After Dr** There is a reason DD's eyedrops were not working. DD had bacterial conjunctivitis. I have viral conjunctivitis. From eMedicine: Most cases of viral conjunctivitis are acute, benign, and self-limited. The infection usually resolves spontaneously within 2-4 weeks. (faint) Subepithelial infiltrates may last for several months, and, if in the visual axis, they may cause decreased vision or glare. Symptoms may worsen during the first 4-7 days after onset before they begin to improve and may not resolve for 2-4 weeks. The contagiousness of the infection also should be emphasized. Proper isolation from work or school is advisable to prevent epidemics in the office and at school. Patients should be instructed to take contagion and isolation precautions for at least 2 weeks or as long as the eyes are red and weeping.

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Are you F***ing kidding me???? The Dr also told me I should go home and stay in isolation for a week. A WEEK??? I cannot deal. I don't know what I'm going to do.

No Such Thing As Dragons

So, you may or may not recall my post about dragons. They seem to be popping up all over the place to me now.

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Friday night, I took my DD trick or treating at the mall. What a great idea!!! While there, we stopped in the bookstore. I got her a couple really cute new books. She chose this one: There's NO Such Thing as a Dragon. It's actually an older book, published in 1975, I believe. I had to laugh to myself when I read the book. It's about a little boy who finds a tiny dragon in his bedroom one morning. He tells his mother about it and she insists "There's no such thing as a dragon" so the little boy ignores it. And the mother ignores it even though it's growing and growing. Eventually (see book cover photo), it becomes the size of the house. The little boy tells his mother emphatically that there IS a dragon and she finally sees it. And then the dragon shrinks back down to the size of a kitten. The mother says she can deal with a dragon that size and wonders why it had to get so big. The little boy says "I think it just wanted to be noticed."

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I think this book is awesome! My DD enjoyed the entertainment factor. But of course I saw the adult side of it....how something tiny can grow so enormous when you don't deal with it. How it can shrink back down into something manageable when you finally admit you see it. And, thinking about my childhood, also how the adults in the house could manage to maneuver their way around the "dragon" day in and day out, even though it filled the house in a palpable way, without ever acknowledging it was there. Not just ignoring it, but also convincing the child that they need to ignore the "dragon" as well; it's not *really* there. Yeah....it's all in their head.

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Saturday AM I went to counseling. I was feeling pretty calm since I'd made some good realizations this week about the snowball effect and needing to take time for myself. I'd also had a good appointment with my Dr, going over my labwork. And I'd called the eating disorder clinic, so I'm one step closer to that. T asked me how I felt about the whole prospect of weight loss. I said I kindof felt on auto-pilot about it. I'm not really wrapping my mind around that right now. I'm thinking more about just getting through what I need to get through as this year wraps up. I'm thinking more of the concrete tasks ahead first. And I'm not so much thinking "weight loss" as I'm thinking about a whole new way of life.

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It's SO amazing to me how the simplest question can bring about a whole new realization. T asked me when do I do my binging? What goes along with it? I said I do it at night after DD goes to bed and while I watch TV, catching up on my TiVo'd shows. I never thought about the two actions going together...TV & binging. I just thought of that as my time of night. So I've decided to shut off the TV before DD goes to bed and keep it off. I will then do the things that need to be done around the house with music. I'm going to call Cable and have them add TiVo to my bedroom TV. So after I'm done with chores, I can get in bed & watch my shows because I never bring food upstairs into my bedroom. What a simple change of routine that may really help me in breaking an aspect of my programmed cycle!

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So my weekend was fairly productive. I chose to stay home and attempt to reorganize my world. Presently, it's more of a mess than it was when I started.....but I'm making progress. I have a few big bags of garbage to take out. I have a huge moving box of stuff to bring to a childrens consignment shop and another several bags to bring to GoodWill. And then I have to finish a few more projects. All in all, I'm happy with how it went. I have a cold which sortof interfered with my energy level but it was a nice balance of doing a project & then snuggling with DD. We even took a nice nap together on Saturday afternoon.

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Interesting note that last night, I did sortof follow my "new routine" of no TV on while getting things ready at night. I went up to bed pretty early for me, around 10, and watched TV in bed. I even fell asleep fairly quickly. I awoke at 3:30am with a severe migraine, possibly the worst I've had to date. I was disoriented and just in excruciating pain. I made my way downstairs to find my medication and started vomiting from the pain. I lay in bed just writhing for the next 2 hours, sweating, chills, nausea, pain, pain, pain. It finally quieted down a bit and I managed to sleep from 5:30 til almost 7am when DD woke me up. I came into work late. But it got me thinking....for me, migraines are generally stress induced. I had a very low stress weekend. But I didn't follow my "routine" of binging.....did that stress my mind out to the point of a migraine?

Triggered

I'm a singer. Have I mentioned that before? I've been singing most of my life. I used to be fearless with it. I auditioned for select choir in school. I participated in regionals and allstate musical competitions. I was the singer in a band (an 80's cover rock band....a story for another day, lol!). I even auditioned at a local theater for a part in their production of "Annie". I've been in countless choirs and have taken years of voice training.

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Somewhere around the time I started dealing with all my repressed crap, I stopped singing. When I finally started again, I was very much a follower and not the leader that I used to be. I've been in a small independent, accapella choir now for about 5 years. It took me a solid 2 years to really find my voice again and begin to sing with any amount of confidence. Still, a single wrong note could throw me into a tailspin. In the past year, I've really felt and seen my ability and my confidence shoot through the roof with singing. It's back to the way I used to feel. I feel fortunate that I have a gift that can be used to touch other people. I really enjoy performing. It is one of the few things in my life that I believe I do really well. It's calming for me because it requires that I relax and take deep breaths. It's the only time I feel any connection with God; when I sing hymns.

~

Yesterday, my group was performing at a church. There is a hymn called "Seek Ye First" which has an optional descant in it. There is another girl in the choir who generally sings this but she's been sick so they gave it to me. I've never sung it before rehearsal last week. On Sunday, the opening notes were played except they forgot to play mine so I was unsure of my starting note and I was afraid to just guess it out of thin air. I figured I'd sing the first verse with the rest of the choir and find my note on the second verse for the descant. Except I started to panic and I felt like all eyes were on me. I felt like I was ruining the song. And I started to cry. And cry, and cry, and cry. You know when you're not really crying but the tears just won't stop spilling from your eyes? It was like that.

~

We got through a few more songs and I was desperately trying to stop the tears and pull myself together because I knew I had a quartet coming up in which I was to sing the lead as a solo. As the opening notes are being played, another member of the choir leans into me and says "I'm going to sing the lead with you." And I just lost it. I didn't get 2 lines into the song and I had to walk away from the choir and let him sing it. Fortunately, there is a little alcove not far from where we stand to sing and I was able to go in there and have some privacy while I absolutely broke down.

~

I know I was upset about the way things went down that morning but my reaction was out of proportion to the events. I took some time to think it through and I realized that it triggered so many feelings of inadequacy and failure in me. And also feelings of taking the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt completely responsible for "ruining" the first song. Well, it wasn't really "ruined"....the descant is optional. Nevermind the pianist forgot to play my note.....nevermind that I couldn't regain my footing in part because the women on each side of me were both off key....one of them flat and one of them sharp, to boot! Still, I was able to easily accept responsibility for the comedy of errors and believe that it was all my fault.

~

(A quick side note of interest here.....as I type this, I'm feeling very off balance. I feel like I'm tipped steeply downward and to the left. It's very difficult to keep focus on what I'm writing asn my desk and keyboard seem off kilter to me even though I can tell that everything is perfectly aligned. This is usually some sort of disruption in the flow of body energy, perhaps being triggered by what I'm talking about?)

~

Anyway, I felt like I had the chance to "redeem" myself with the next song and when my choir-mate ever told me he was going to sing it with me, I felt like they no longer trusted me to carry the part by myself. A part, mind you, I've sung before and have been commended as "angelic". I was angry, humiliated, ashamed. A whole cacophony of negative emotions, all triggering me as a "FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!!"

~

The success story of the day, though, is that I was able to almost immediately recognize that the reaction was out of line with the events. I was able to think it through and piece together what was triggered. And then I went out to lunch (and some retail therapy) with my BFF, J. I was able to discuss it with her. And I called my choir-mates when I got home to discuss it with them and tell them how I felt about what happened. So a happy ending.

The High Cost of Stress

Apparently, I forgot to change my address with my health insurance carrier when I moved almost a year and a half ago. Oops. My poor therapist has not been getting paid!! They send the checks to me and I sign them over to her. When I stopped getting them, I just figured they were going to her directly. So, she hasn't been paid in over a year. I signed into their website to look at my account and update the address. At the same time, I wanted to be sure that her services were being paid (even though the checks were returned to the health insurance company).

As I scrolled down the list of payments made for my various medical treatments, I have been stunned by the huge financial ramifications of my stress related issues. All of this since late 2006.

GP Doctor visits: $1,622
Anxiety Meds: $3,720
Specialist Dr visits: $2,264
Counseling: $7,740
Lab/Blood Work: $604
ER Visits: $1,970
Tests (U/S, CT Scans, MRI, Stress test, etc): $7,834

If we're to call my PCOS abuse/stress related, then you can add another $2400 to all of that. And that's a whopping total of $28,154. Spent on, and by, me as a result of abuse and stress related issues. In a period of not even two years. That is unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.

The non-financial costs? What has the anxiety and stress of my past cost me physically? I'll start from the top of my head and work my way down. Migraines, cluster headaches. Ocular migraines which are visual auras, light streaks and disturbances. Migrainous vertigo. Jaw clenching, teeth grinding. Panic attacks. Chronic neck and shoulder pain. Chest pains, pounding heart. Feelings of having a heart attack. Numbness in arms. Arthritis in hands. Difficulty breathing. Abdominal/intestinal pain so severe it doubled me over and rendered me unable to walk. PCOS with ovarian cysts Arthritis in knees and ankles.

Funny when I put it on paper it looks like less than it feels like. Maybe because I've had repetitive bouts of so many of these things or seen numerous doctors for most symptoms in an attempt to figure out what was happening. And of course, the price my sanity, security and self worth have paid....it's immeasurable.

While searching for an image for this post, I came across this and it was too funny not to include:

Get OUT!!! & a General Update

Well, it's been a very busy few days! I think I left off at DD's Birthday....it was perfect! The kids loved the ice cream party. DD was in 4 year old, girly-girl utopia at the nail salon!! She grinned and giggled for a solid hour while they gave her the full princess treatment. Pretty pink little nails and the woman even painted 4 little daisies on her nails. I'll post a pic later in the week when I have a spare minute to upload them! We went out to dinner, just me and DD. It was such fun. And, as a treat for me too, I had a spa manicure including neck/shoulder massage while DD had hers done. That was NICE.

Friday, I took DD to her 4 year physical. She's actually "back on the charts" (the child growth percentage charts). Her height has been off the charts since her last physical. She's 97% for height now, LOL. Tall girl. Her Donor is quite tall, 6'5", so she gets that from him. She had to get four vaccinations....that's alot for a little kid. She was quite a trooper. Her shots got me to thinking about my own reactions to needles.

Always have hated them but I got very used to them through all the health ups & downs I've had. One thing I have not ever gotten accustomed to is IV's. When I was in the hospital in preterm labor, they had me on IV's at various times for various reasons. It's always "fun" when medical staff look at you quizzically and say "Hmmm, never seen THAT happen before....." Such is the case with my IV reaction. Everything around the IV goes into spasm and I've seen it actually stand straight up out of my skin because my body tenses so badly. The Dr's deemed it some sort of odd partial latex allergy (even though I'm not allergic to latex) because they could not otherwise explain it. My T believes it to me yet another manifestation of the mind/body connection. Because I self-protect so militantly, she believes the IV is perceived as an "intruder". My body attacks it and tries to push it back out. As if to say Get OUT!!! Leave me alone!!! I don't want you inside of me!!!! Just another interesting example of the power the mind can wield within the body.

Anyway...........the rest of the weekend was run-run-run. It was nice, for sure, but a little too busy for my liking. Highlights: a wedding on Saturday which was the best wedding I think I've ever been to. As I watched the happy couple, listened to them exchange their own written vows, I had a brief rush of wanting a relationship again in my future. And then during the dinner, as I observed the 3 already married couples at my table, I remembered why I'm in no hurry to get into a relationship again!! I went alone and I felt fine with that which is progress over the last wedding I went to only a year ago. I desperately wanted someone to go to that past wedding with me. I felt branded as a loser going by myself. This time, it wasn't even a thought. At one point, I was sitting alone in a corner watching everyone dance and party. I thought to myself that I was perfectly content watching others have a good time. And I realized that's part of my problem....I'm too damn comfortable being the wallflower. So I made myself get up and join the party....step out of the comfort zone! All in all, a really fun time.

Sunday we had a day full of plans and didn't get home til about 7:30. I'd forgotten to bring my Effexor so I was almost a full 24 hours overdue by the time I took it. Man, that's some nasty, nasty stuff when you forget to take it. I was a wreck. Barely could walk a straight line or speak a coherent sentence without whimpering. Felt like I was being shocked. Nearly had a panic attack when faced with saying goodbye to a crowd of people. Luckily my friend was there and she took care of the goodbyes for me.

Yesterday was a rough morning. DD was being really difficult. I had a bit of a meltdown. I think we were both really tired and irritable. I took DD to get her 4 year photos done. They came out cute. Not the best batch we've had but all I need is a couple good ones. In fact, I prefer only a couple good ones....when they are ALL good, it's too hard for me to decide which ones to get! As we were waiting for them to upload the pics to their computers, we took a walk. DD wanted to go on the escalator. So we went up and went to come back down. I don't know what happened exactly. DD jumped on and I just couldn't focus on the steps and I didn't want to step on. I tried to let go of DD's hand so that she could keep going down but I think she panicked and grabbed onto my arm so she fell and I ended up pulling her back up the 3 or 4 steps onto the landing. Poor kid. She got really scraped up. :o( I felt awful.

It was also my father's birthday yesterday for which I felt nothing. Complete ambivalence. I think that's progress, too.

Had a very odd dream this morning. Not sure where I was going but I was bringing a horse with me. I was on a cliff, on a very narrow, windy road making my way to my destination. As soon as I got onto this road, my horse jumped off. I was horrified and thought he'd be killed. I looked down over this steep cliff and could see only water until I leaned out farther and realized there was also a strip of sandy beach and my horse was safe on the sand, running along and we'd presumably meet up again on the other side of this mountain/cliff...whatever it was. I kept watching my horse to be sure we were keeping pace with one another. There was a large fallen tree or something in the horses path and as he tried to climb over it, he was attacked by 2 mountain lions and killed. I remember feeling such intense anguish that I couldn't even walk and the only way I could continue on was to block out the fact that it happened at all.

I know that animals in your dreams often represent an aspect of yourself. The way I felt connected to this horse, concerned for it's well-being and how distraught I was at its death tells me it was indeed part of me. The symbolism of a horse is a strong physical energy or even a wildness or the unknown. The symbolism of a dead horse is an indication that something in your life that used to provide strength is now gone. Standing at the edge of a cliff is somewhat evident...."on the brink", a new experience, new awareness. A critical point that, while exciting, also induces the fear of "falling" (losing control).

I had to look up the meaning of the beach and of mountain lions.

To see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition.
To see a mountain lion in your dream, represents lurking danger, aggression and raw emotions. You need to keep your attitude and emotions in check.

I think the dream was about my self-protection, my Xena armor. I think it was about letting that defense, which has provided me strength, fall away and die. It's also about the fear I feel in facing the world without it, in feeling emotions, in letting myself participate in life with all of the hurts and disappointments that may come along. I've noticed the past 2 days in particular, alot of chest pains. Anxiety. It sucks.