??????????

My head has been reeling for the past 24+ hours.

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I've been friends with "JH" for six years. His life has been through some turmoil the past few. I've always done my best to be supportive on his terms, the way I know he prefers.

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About six months ago, Bianca was going through a rough time with father issues. I reached out to JH, who is a father, for advice. He asked me if he could be more involved in her life. He asked me if he could be her GodFather. I considered it. I told him my concerns and I made him promise me that he would take this seriously b/c I can't have another man in her life to let her down. He promised. And at first he did well. The last time we had plans, about 3 weeks ago, he cancelled on us. He asked if we could make plans for today, going to a huge fair.

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The turmoil I mentioned above involves custody issues with his ex. It's been ugly for sure. He had court yesterday. Apparently it was a bad day in court and he ended up not coming today. He didn't even come out and tell me. He was being cryptic about it and when I asked him to black & white it for me, he didn't respond. I'm sure, in his (Mars) world, he was clear.....but in my (Venus) world, I was confused. I don't do vague.
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I'm struggling with feeling angry at him but not understanding if I have the "right" to. He knew he had court when he suggested these plans. He knows how it goes everytime he sees her in court. He did say this was worse than he expected it to be. Here's where I get muddled. In theory I can understand taking care of yourself & your own needs. But it's not something I often do. So I'm sitting here wondering is he doing something healthy & "normal?" Am I being unreasonable that I expect him to put that aside & keep his promise? That is what I would do. Hard for me to understand making a choice for self over the promise to a child. I would feel different if it was just plans for me and him. (I think)

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Making matters worse Bianca would not express emotion about it at first. She was trying not to show her teary eyes. I was trying to get her to identify how she felt. She got angry & said she didn't feel anything then said she wanted to be alone. I left her alone & she started sobbing. So did I. I went back to her room to show her I was crying too, that it was ok to feel sad and cry. She got onto my lap, hugged me and cried. I'm pissed at him for disappointing my baby. PISSED. And if he felt he had to do it, I wish he would have been man enough to say hey, have her call me in the morning so I can tell her and you don't have to be the one to break the news.

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And I realize the irony in what I said. I'm upset that Bianca feels the need to repress emotions & I'm angry at JH for not repressing his in order to suck it up & go to the fair! I can't make sense of what are my issues & what are the feelings from his actions. Why I'm entitled to feel my feelings but I'm angry with him for how he's acting on his. I don't know what is appropriate for me to share with him about what I'm feeling. And I'm afraid if I tell him I'm angry then he won't be my friend anymore....yeah I know the answer to that last part. I'm feeling vulnerable & I detest it. Feelings. *spit*
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I'm angry at myself for putting faith in him, for encouraging Bianca to have faith in him. I'm angry at him for consciously committing to be the good-influence, male role model in her life and then breaking his word to her. I feel like this is further "evidence" that people can't be trusted. And frankly, the last thing in the world Bianca needs in her life is another man who can't keep his word. I know this steps on the toes of my own father/men issues and the line is very blurry but mostly I am angry about being left to explain it to Bianca and having to make excuses and comfort the disappointment she's feeling at the actions of someone else. I'm disgusted that he would break his word to her......it's incomprehensible to me and I have no idea if those feelings are completely wrong or displaced. It makes me want to run away from him because I'm hurt and I like to run from people who hurt me and never give them the chance again. Except now I've glorified him in my daughter's mind and I'm just really, really ANGRY at myself for doing that. I am embarassed that his promise to me/her means so little. Like it's another stamp of my apparent unlovability. And for some reason I don't understand at all, I feel intense shame when having to tell my mother about this. Not even trying to delve into that part yet.
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I totally want to call him and make him feel guilt. I wanted to send pix messages of Bianca crying or have her call JH and ask why he's not here. Then I feel like a creep & bad selfish friend that I want to kick him when he's feeling down!!! Its very conflicting. I don't understand what to do with any of it.