Thursday, September 17, 2009


Balance: stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis; equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements; equality between the totals of the two sides of an account; physical equilibrium; the ability to retain one's balance
What is this strange feeling? Relaxation? Yes....but there's more. *Gasp* It's balance. I feel balanced.
I went for an acupuncture treatment this morning. It was my fourth, if you count the disastrous first experience as a treatment. Which I actually do even though it was not fun. was better than fun. It verged on magical. It was, dare I say, spiritual. I'm happy to say that I respond really well to acupuncture. So fast that even the Dr is impressed! He put my needles in, felt my pulse and said one was strong and another weak. Asked if I would mind one more needle. Nope, no problem...make me into a porcupine if you want!! He pops the needle in and immediately feels my pulse again and it's already balanced out! He turns down the lights and leaves me for 20 minutes of zen-bliss!!
I felt so in touch, so aware yet so peaceful and relaxed at the same time. I, again, had the odd sensations of being "crooked." This time was really strange because my head felt like it was bent as far to the side as it could go yet I could not tell which side it felt bent toward! The longer I was there, the deeper my relaxation. By the time the session was over, I was on the verge of nodding off but I felt like a new woman! It really did take me a few minutes to recognize that the subsequent feeling was balance. I don't often (err umm EVER) feel balanced. Wow, what a lovely feeling!
After the session, I grabbed some Starbucks and had a 45 minute drive to think. My BFF, Jennie, has undergone some major progress in her emotional health lately. I'm going to admit that there is part of me that is a little envious of that. Last weekend something happened to her that she was happy about and I did not think it was as great as she did. I realized I've been almost hovering around waiting for some sort of "fallout" on her part. Waiting there to pick up the pieces because that's been one of my roles in her life for a long time. It has gotten better over time and I'd say we've reached a point in the past year or so where it's not totally unhealthy but today I was able to see that there is still an element of codependency there for me. When I'm helping her pick up the pieces of her life, I don't have to think about my own. When she is the one emoting all her fears, frustrations, disappointments there is no room for me to consider my own. I get to fix hers instead. Now that she seems to be really pulling herself together, I think about how that changes our "dance" and how it affects my world. Will I now be the "unstable" one? Will the pressure now be on me to do all the feeling, crying, venting, leaning? Yikes.
On the other hand, I find myself really inspired by her progress and it makes me excited to do my own work. She could not have had a happier childhood or more loving parents. Sure they made their mistakes by virtue of being very young when they had her. But they are wonderful people. Our backgrounds are polar opposite so how we ended up with some of the same insecurities is a mystery that makes us both laugh! In any case, I've always taken the role of "big sis" or the "stronger" one. Now I see where she is and I feel that shifting. The prospect of now being the "weaker" one, and leaning on her for help or guidance, is not just's dreadful. I'm not sure how I'm adapting to that. For me, and I'm sure many of you will relate to this, my "strength" is nothing more than my mask. It's nothing more than the sheer force of my determination not to let my feelings get the better of me. Not to be vulnerable. My strength is really my biggest weakness. The strongest, bravest thing I can do is to fall apart and let go. I feel like I'm being challenged....whether it's out of inspiration or competitiveness is another question. I'm not so sure it matters, though, as long as I get to where I need to be. As I proofread this, the thought occurs to me that I don't know why I need to think of us in terms of stronger/weaker instead of just equal individuals with each our own set of traits. I'm going to focus on that! And on the fact that I have her, and a few other "safe" friends who I know I can let down my guard with and not be judged.
I haven't seen my T in a few weeks. Since Bianca started school and sports it's been tough to find a mutually agreeable time. I feel in need of her perspective. With the support of acupuncture and getting back into a regular schedule with her, I feel ready to come off my Effexor. I'm hoping to use one of the long holiday weekends to finish that process which means I'll need to start weaning in the next month or two. Which means I have to see my GP Dr. Which means I have to face medical issues I've been avoiding with her. Which means I want to find out when the acupuncture doc will be able to start working on addiction points (those are in the ears....not sure how I feel about needles in my ears!!). It's all tied up in a cyclical pattern which on any other given day could make me crazy and not want to deal with any of it. But I told myself this AM I will not let anything disturb my balance today. So I'm going to remember to breathe deeply and deal with it. One. Step. At. A. Time.


Marj aka Thriver said...

Sounds like you're in a pretty good place. I'm glad you got that balanced feeling. Sounds like accupuncture really works for you. I'm happy for you.

Enola said...

I'm so glad the acupuncture is working. That's awesome. (but still not enough for me to try it :)

VICKI IN AZ said...

Excellent work here. I am fascinated with all of your progress through acupuncture.