Thursday, March 17, 2011

These Wounds Won't Seem To Heal

What is it inside of me that drives me to consider getting back in touch with the people who have been the most hurtful, hateful people of my past?
I have started this post at least a half dozen times over the past two weeks. I get about this far....a line or two. And then I bail on it. I'm not doing that today. I just said that this blog will be nothing if not fully honest from now on. Obviously, this is something I want to talk about or need to work out. I get a line into it and I think it's's pointless. And I can't write it well enough to do justice to the feelings inside me.
WOW. How utterly I sit here trying to figure out where to go next, this song comes on Pandora: ("My Immortal" by Evanescence)
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I have been stalking Bianca's father's profile on Facebook. Which naturally causes me to link out to his son's profile, his wife's profile. I found a picture of Bianca's half sister. I ache for the family that is there...but not really there. She has a father, a half-brother and two half-sisters. I want those "for her" but really it must mean that I want them for me. Right? I am trying to give her what I didn't have. In one respect, she does have what I didn't have. She has a Mom who is at least somewhat aware and present. But the flip side is that she pretty much has exactly what I had. It comes in a different package but she has a father who is a piece of garbage. What in God's name would possess me to even consider for a nanosecond opening the door for this man to come into her life?
This is a man who lied to me about every fundamental thing about himself and schmoozed himself into my life, charmed his way into my bed. And that was all he wanted. But he said whatever he had to say to get there....talked of feelings and a future and wanting marriage and family. Neglecting to tell me he was already married with kids. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me in no uncertain terms "I will help you pay for an abortion but as far as being a father to this child, I have nothing to offer." He disappeared on me through the pregnancy, lied to me at every turn, dodged requests for pertinent information: things I needed to know for the sake of the baby. It's hard to hold your head high in a doctors appointment having to answer "I don't know" when asked about the father's medical & family history. On the day Bianca was born, he shut off his cell phone after I called him. He promised to come sign the birth certificate but didn't. He promised to pay child support but didn't. He lied at every turn, avoided me whenever possible and made life as difficult for me as he could. He has never once made an inquiry about my daughter's life or made an attempt to see her. He is a lying, cheating, dirty, deadbeat rat bastard who will never change. And so I want to reach out to him.........why?
I don't feel like the pain from my own father is still so great that I would consider such stupidity. Maybe it is. "These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real." How do I heal? Especially when I feel like I have already healed? Am I fooling myself?

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