Monday, March 7, 2011

Failure, Disgust, Frustration,

Decision Making, Faithless.
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Hello friends. It's been a while since I've been here. I felt like I needed to go in a different direction with my writing but, funny, it quickly began to lead me back here. I'm going to start with a post about what is going on today and then I'll fill in the missing time as I go forward. For right now, I need to process some things.
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I still see my acupuncturist and am doing well, healthwise. He has introduced me to something called NAET which is a natural method of treating allergies. It is used to change the body's energy reaction to certain elements. I know it works for food and environmental allergies. I didn't realize, at first, it also works for emotional issues.
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A few months back, I was suffering from nonstop obsessive fear of dying. I could not make it stop. I could not sleep, could not relax, could not stop the thoughts. I went to the doctor and asked him to help me with the anxiety. I explained the thoughts and he suggested NAET. With one treatment, the thoughts were gone. GONE. And have not come back again.
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Lately, I have been consumed with negative thoughts. Everything I do is not good enough. All I see is what I've not accomplished, what is wrong, what is bad, where I'm behind, where I've dropped the ball. I will not recognize any positive thing I've done. It's immediately overtaken by the other thoughts. "Oh, you accomplished that? Well, take a look at that, that, that and that which you have not done. Loser! Don't pat yourself on the back for that piddly accomplishment when you know you're a complete failure at everything else." I don't want to live in this space and so I went to my doc and asked if he could hit me up with some NAET to clear these thoughts out.
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He asked if I could put a name to the feelings. Corresponding emotions. I was not sure....frustration maybe? So he tested me with certain elements, through neuromuscular reaction, to see what was going on. And the things I tested positive for are: Failure. Disgust. Frustration. Decision Making. Faithless. Yeah, that sounds about right. I talked to my T about the session and she asked me to write about each of those very powerful feelings and see if I can help identify the thoughts around each of them. And so, here I am.
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Failure. As the title and opening of my blog tells, I expect perfection of myself. And frankly there is NO better way to feel like a total failure than to expect the impossible of yourself. Yet I still do it. I know, in my head, that this is a losing battle. I can tell you all the "right" things that I should be thinking, feeling, setting my sights on. And, I believe all those things. For everyone except me. I still cling to the notion that somehow, someway I can do it all and do it perfectly. I live in my head with no connection to my heart, to reality. And no interest in cutting myself a break and saying it's okay to be human. You know what this is right here....this is me taking over for my abusers. This is me absolutely denying myself the right to be free. This is me being terrified of what freedom might feel like, of what loving myself might look like and of who I will be if I'm not this slave to my own fears.

Disgust. I suppose goes hand in hand, right? I am constantly disgusted with my inability to get it right, to do it all. Further, I am disgusted with the state of my home, my office, my finances. I am disgusted at myself for not keeping up with my blog, for "failing" at my other attempt, for not being a perfect mom. I am disgusted with other people and the choices they make. Things that have nothing to do with me. But I sit in judgment on others because I so harshly judge myself. And I'm disgusted with myself for being so self righteous and judgmental. It's not who I want to be. So naturally, I'm disgusted with myself for being who I don't want to be.
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Frustration. Comes in because I am in this place of emotional purgatory. I intellectualize everything and I see it, I get it. I could be a therapist for someone else and say all the right things. But there is no emotional connection to that within me. What I know in my head is blocked off by the brick wall surrounding my heart. It was sometimes better to not know. Ignorance is bliss....sometimes it's entirely too true.
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Decision Making. Well, sure. How am I supposed to make decisions when I wallow in the fear of failure day in and out? I have been having some major struggles with Bianca, issues that require me to be on my game and to make decisions about what is best for her. I have felt paralyzed. Decisions at work. Decisions about what to do with my house. Whether I should move. Decisions about what to do with my time. Soooo....for the most part, I avoid the choices. (Except for Bianca....that required action) But if I can get out of making a decision, I will. Because I'm too scared. And for some reason, I don't feel equipped to make good choices. Why? Because I've made bad ones in the past? Who hasn't? Oooohhhh, right.....it's because I was not supposed to make bad choices because I am supposed to be perfect and so avoiding new decisions takes away the chance of making a mistake. Yep, got it.
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Faithless. I am not sure in exactly which context this is meant but I took it literal. As in God - faith. And no, I am ashamed to say, I don't have faith in God. It literally pains me to say that because I know it's "wrong" and honestly, I don't want to feel that way. But it's another area in which I live in my head. There is no letting God into my heart right now. He's been there. It didn't save me. Well, maybe it did save me but not in the way I wanted to be saved. It's too hard for me to accept things on faith right now. I believe in Him; that is without question. But putting my faith out there.....it's more than I am capable of right now. Faith and vulnerability go hand in hand and it's just not a leap I'm prepared for today.
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I hope to soften. I hope that the work I am doing now will allow me to break the wall between head and heart, so that I can begin to change all of these things. Maybe this is a step in the right direction. It feels so right to be back here.

1 comment:

sarah said...

In spite of everything...you sound like an amazing fighter....I'm glad that therapy worked and I'm glad you're back.