And I'm gearing up to do it. In the meantime, I'm feeling like there are things I want to say to him in order to terminate this correspondence we have going. But they are things he doesn't deserve to know about me. So I will write them here in hopes that it will help to strengthen me to take the next step with him.
Dear A.,
I have to admit that I never anticipated my quick IM to you would turn into a conversation. In fact, I was 99% certain you would immediately block me from seeing you online ever again, possibly even change your username so I could not track you down. The remaining 1% just thought you would not respond at all. I spent the first two hours of our conversation with absolute knots and butterflies in my stomach. Wanting to tell you things, wanting to know things, thrilled that you were finally showing interest in your daughter.
You asked if I hated you and I told you I don't. Do I? No, hate is a useless, soul-sucking emotion that I have no use for. But A, I'm pissed at you. When my mind cleared later, I began to recount our past. You lied to me from day one about who you were, what your life was all about and what you wanted from me. You played me. I was fresh out of a divorce, newly into the dating world and naive as hell. I was open, honest, vulnerable and trusting. I shared with you unabashedly from my heart. You fully took advantage of those qualities in me. We spoke every day for 8 months and at the end of it, I had no idea who you really were. The man I was so enamored with, who I dared to imagine a future with, was a total farce. I always marveled how you were so consistently charming and never failed to have the exact right thing to say at the right time. Too good to be true. Indeed.
I'm going to take responsibility for my part in this. I had blinders on. I never questioned red flag items that would now make me run for the hills. But I wanted to believe you. I needed to believe you. And so, I chose to believe you. And you played me. Yet, at the end of it, I have my beautiful baby and I won't ever regret that. But I do sometimes regret that she has no father in her life. And I guess that is why I got so caught up in talking to you again so quickly. I thought maybe there was a glimmer than I could fill that void in her life.
Not that long into talking, you began to introduce some innuendo of a flirtatous nature. At first I thought I was misreading it. I mean, it's not possible you could be so stupid and brazen, right? Haven't we been down this road? You cannot possibly think I'd go down it again, can you? But you persisted and left no doubt in my mind....you are hitting on me. I am still, days later, shaking my head in disbelief. Since when does "I don't hate you" translate into "I think I'd like to sleep with you again after you totally tore my life apart"?? It just solidifies the sentiment that "the more things change, the more they stay the same." You are the same selfish, cocky, thoughtless, sorry excuse of a man that you were 7 years ago. I, on the other hand, am NOT the pathetic, trusting, foolish, naive girl that I was 7 years ago. Thank you for that because you are a big reason I am no longer that girl.
I struggle with shutting the door because I want to give you credit for being a better man than you are. I hold this tiny glimmer of belief that if I say just the right thing in just the right way at just the right time, it will penetrate that thick skull of yours and you will have an epiphany. Actually, I should not be aiming for your skull since your brain is clearly below your belt, LOL. In any case....I am afraid to let go of that tiny flicker that you will change into the man you should and could be if you'd just see things in a different light. I accept that this is faulty thinking on my part and there is no way in hell you will ever be more than who are now, who you have been for the 8 years I've known you and who you will likely always be. I release that hope and I release you. I do not need you. Bianca does not need you.
Kim
***
Why at the end of writing all these things I fully feel and believe am I still in nervous knots about deleting him from my contacts? Why do I still want to hit his name on IM right now and have a conversation with him? Dear God, what is wrong with me?????????
1 comment:
Having a history of a relationship with someone, no matter how bad it was nor how badly it ended or continues to be, there is all those emotions, wishes, and dreams that the heart feels and often hides. There is nothing wrong with you. This is normal. Not healthy, not healing, but normal. Give yourself a break, you are doing good healing work, standing up for yourself, drawing a line in the sand, making some boundaries, trying to take care of your family and your self at the same time. This is hard, hard stuff. It is normal for it to feel so bad and to be so hard. Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
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