Monday, June 13, 2011

What The Hell Am I Doing?

You know, sometimes the task of unloading everything on my mind is so daunting, I just stare at the blank screen with absolutely no idea how it's all going to get from there to here. One word, one letter at a time seems insurmountable. This is when I really want to kick myself for not keeping up with regularly writing.

I have so much to do at work today yet I can't focus on anything except the need to write and figure out what I am doing.

I was supposed to go to court this week for child support because Bianca's bio-father stopped paying for several months. Shortly after I got the notice of hearing, he started paying again. Last week, I called the court to find out if that meant that the hearing was cancelled. They do not cancel the hearing for that reason but after talking with the clerk, she said if I wanted her to, she would go ahead and cancel it. Believe me, I do not want to travel (2 states away) to court if it's not completely necessary so yes, I wanted it cancelled. She called me back later to find out if I could let bio-father know because she was unable to get in touch with him. I told her we do not talk so she said she would send him a letter but was unsure if it would get to him before the court date.

Shortly thereafter, I was in my email. I keep his contact information in there just in case there is ever an emergency in which I need to contact him. So what do you know....he was online at that moment. Feeling a surge of nice-ness, I decided to IM him and let him know. I just said something like "hey, wanted to let you know that court was cancelled. they were not able to reach you and asked me to let you know. here's the contact info so you can verify with the clerk" At this point, I *fully* anticipated he would go offline and block me forever. Instead, he IMed back with a thank you. Then a minute later IMed and said "I don't suppose I can be so bold as to just say hello and ask how you are?" Man, talk about butterflies in your stomach..... I haven't spoken to this man in any sort of civil manner in 7 years. Now he wants to know how I am? He asked about Bianca. He asked for a picture of her. He told me he thinks about her all the time.

I can imagine from the outside, this all looks very cut and dry. He has no business, right? He made his decision, right? But I'm not on the outside and what is happening is testing me at every turn. I should maybe hate him but I don't. I hate the position he put me in. I hate that he deceived me and played me. I hate that I cared for him a great deal. On the other hand, he gave me the greatest blessing of my life. We created a life together and whether I want it or not, I am tied to him forever through her.

Now I've entered this slippery slope of chatting with him. I have no doubt I am being foolish. I want things from him that he cannot give me. I want honesty from him and I don't know that he's capable of that. Even if he is being honest....I still don't trust him. What does he want from me right now? And what do I want? And what is the point of all this? Because really, there is no reason for us to be talking. He is not prepared to be in her life in a meaningful way and I won't allow anything less. When I talk to him, I want to do one of two things. I want to spill my guts about the last 7 years. But I want him to do the same and he won't because well #1 - he's a guy and not all about gushing his feelings and thoughts about the past. I think he has ulterior motives. Oh let's call a spade a spade....I am sure he has motives. Because at the end of our first conversation, he was trying to turn the conversation in an R-rated direction. I didn't let it go that way but I'll tell's hard not to. I mentioned that I want to do one of two things when I talk to him. Flirt is #2. I guess it's familiar and it deflects all these intense emotions and the confusion I'm feeling. I refuse to go there because there is just no point. I mean honestly.....did I not learn the first time around? I did, right? So then WHY am I still talking to him? Because I want him to be something he is not. I want him to appreciate and cherish the life we created together. I want him to be her father. He is her sperm donor, basically. And I was cool with that for a long time and now he's here and he's throwing me for a loop. And I know the smartest thing for me to do is to shut this door and walk away and stop talking to him but I don't want to. Why don't I want to???

I left this post there last night and today I'm back. I spent some time sorting through some feelings and I just see how this is triggering my most vulnerable topic which is my own father issues. I desperately wanted my father to be someone he was not. It took me a long, long time to make peace with the truth. And this is like round 2 of daddy issues. Just like my own father, Bianca's father is not capable of being the man she needs in her life. I hate that. And just like with my own father, I am reluctant to close the door because I foolishly, erroneously think that if I can say or do *just* the right thing that it will magically strike just the right nerve and transform him into the man he should be. Bullshit.

I feel in a quandary right now. I *should* walk away. I am plagued by moronic what-if's. What if I close the door on this and I never hear from him again? What if this could be something and I cut it off right now before giving it a chance? What if he's changed? The answers are, unequivocably, 1: so what, 2: you should and 3: he hasn't. And I KNOW this without question.

Today I stayed off chat so I would not have a chance to talk to him. Of course, a few minutes ago I signed into my email and up popped an offline message he sent me last night. And I'm struggling to keep my distance. My heart wants something that my brain knows will never happen. There is a paralyzing fear in me of closing the door even though I know with absolute certainty that it's the right thing to do. Why is it SO damn hard to do the right thing sometimes?


VICKI IN AZ said...

This is certainly a ton to handle. You can trust yourself. You will do the right thing. Just by taking the time to pound it all out on the keyboard shows your wisdom in slowing down to look at it all.

I am proud of you and believe in you.

Kim said...

Thanks, Vicki. I needed to hear that.