What Does He Have To Do?

I was speaking to a friend last night who was sharing the story of a woman in a similar position as myself, single mom with an uninvolved dad.  My friend was telling of how the mom will jump at the dad's call and turn herself inside out trying to get him involved in the child's life when in fact the father offered to pay her $50 extra a month if she would stop asking him to visit the baby. 

My friend said to me "What else does he have to do to show her that he is not interested in being part of this child's life?"

And I thought to myself.....well, dammit if that is not a question for me as well. 

Since I last wrote, there has been virtually no correspondence between B's father and me.  After he asked about my address at Thanksgiving, he was totally silent.  I texted him a photo on Christmas.  I know.....I could have and probably should have just left it alone.  But I felt like he was putting her out of his mind and I didn't want him to get through Christmas without a reminder that there is one he turned his back on.  As my friend so rightfully pointed out, this likely didn't have the desired effect.  If he can come this far without getting involved in her life, he's more likely to see that beautiful smiling face and believe that all is well with her, that there is no need for him to disrupt anything for anyone.  He texted me on New Years, just wishing a happy. 

My original plan was to give him through January to make some sort of move to see her.  I have to be honest with myself.....I have given this man every opportunity.  I all but delivered her to his doorstep and he backed out.  He never brought it up again.  He doesn't want to see her.  He doesn't care about being involved.  How many ways does he need to tell me this?  His words said differently but I know better than to listen to words.  His actions are doing all the talking. 

This is not the outcome I hoped for. But I can put this to rest and feel good in that I accomplished what I set out to do.  My only true goal was to open that door.  I was the one who shut it 2 years ago and that was not something I wanted on my conscience.  It was not something I was prepared to have to explain to my daughter.  I opened the door.  I was sincere and honest.  I can look B in the face and say "Baby, I tried.  I did everything in my power to make it happen."  But I can't control his actions, that is on him.  Someday he will have to answer to her.  We both will.  But I will be able to say I did the right thing.  I will be able to show her, through my blog and journal, that I acted in her best interest. 

At the end of the day, if he is able to walk away from her, if he is more interested in getting back into my bed than establishing a relationship with his child, then maybe HE is not in her best interest.  It's easy for me to see and say that but I know, from experience, she will want the opposite of what she has.  I had a crappy abusive dad and I say I would have been better off without him.  But if I didn't have him, I would have longed for a father.  So I know this is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" thing.  All I can do is follow through on what I think is right and know that in one way or another, I may be picking up the pieces of his damage for years to come.  In the meantime, I've gotten her into therapy and I hope that it will teach her valuable tools for navigating this situation and others in her life. 

Onward and Upward.  Happy 2014.

2007 ~ 2008

Looking back and Looking ahead.

2007 ~ The year in review.
Milestones:
1. Buying my own place & moving. A definite HIGH point!!!
2. Breaking up with my XBF. A low point at the time but something that's been really good for me.
3. Getting on anti-anxiety medication. Something I fought for a very long time and finally acquiesced. It's been helpful.
4. Resuming an old friendship.
5. Therapy work - several epiphanies have occurred and I feel like I've made more progress in the last couple months than in the years prior.
6. Addressed my addiction though I have not yet gotten a handle on it.
7. Dating & being able to walk away from people who would have previously sucked me in. Having a better handle on who I am and what I expect from a relationship.
8. Starting a new way of relating to my mother.
9. Being able to spontaneously process emotions & doing some anger work.
10. I believe I have lowered my unrealistic expectations of myself to at least some degree. I still want to be able to accomplish more than most human beings! But I've allowed myself to relax at times instead of forcing myself to continue "doing" all the time.
11. I've been in touch with myself enough in times of stress to do my grounded breathing and relaxation exercises.
12. I finally got over a huge hump of not being able to call what happened with my brother abuse. I can say it now. I can believe it now.

2007 ~ My Goals at this time last year & how I did with them:
1. Finish reading my self help books: I not only didn't finish the ones I had but I bought new ones that I didn't read either!!
2. Move out: Check it off the list, it's done!!
3. Find a realistic level at which to deal with my mother: I am hovering around this place right now. A work in progress.
4. Growth in relationships with XBF (see #2 above...we see how that worked out) and with DD, which is very stong and happy.
5. Decide how I feel about God. If I say I decided that I still feel confused about God, does that mean I've done this one?? ;o) **Added 12/30: You know it came to me as I re-read this that I did figure out how I felt about God. I feel ANGRY. Really, deeply incensed and the mere mention of trusting Him triggers my rage. I think I like to say I'm "confused" instead because I know how wrong it is to feel fury at God. But I do. That's where I'm at and it does no good for me to be less than honest.
6. Come clean to my T about my addiction: Yes, I did that much.

Goals for 2008
1. Let's just start back at the same place....read my self help books!
2. Continue good therapy work, which includes progress in my emotional work and anger work, as well as firmly establishing this new "dance" with my mother.
3. Attack my addiction. Establish healthy coping skills. Maybe even join the group therapy at the eating disorder clinic.
4. Find a babysitter other than my mother.
5. Try coming off medication
6. Try a new church....just go at least one time and see how it feels.
7. Do the meditation CD's that my T is going to give me (hopefully tomorrow)
8. Do Inner Child work
9. Bridge the Heart/Head gap at least somewhat or on some subjects
10. Get more sleep & make time to do some grounded breathing every day.
11. Grieve my losses or at least understand what it involves to do so. I don't think I've ever done it which is why I think I'm holding so tightly right now to trying to change the way certain relationships ended.

Okay....I think that's enough for now. Seeing T tomorrow.....lots to discuss.