January 25th

Today is my XBF's birthday. His name is Tom. He's been on my mind alot lately just because of the time of year. We broke up 2 years ago just before I moved here and I've not seen him since. We live in the same town and I've not so much as passed him on the road. Until yesterday. I was getting ready to pull out of my complex when he passed by on the road and all these feelings came flooding back.
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Two years ago this month was when I started the process of buying my condo. There were a few factors that led me to this particular condo. One of the big perks being that it was 2 miles from Tom's house. He came to look at the condo with me and also liked it. He talked about partially living with me and part at his house, where he was caring for his sick mother and brother. When I made the offer on this place, he was totally into it, talking about plans, our future & Bianca's future. We talked about this being somewhat temporary, believing that by the time Bianca started school, we would move to a home of our own or at least have the income necessary to have other options, like private school, available to us.
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I failed to see alot of red flags in him throughout our 2 1/2 year relationship (We dated 10 months, broke up but stayed close friends for 9 months and got back together for another 10 months). To start with, he'd never had a relationship longer than 3 months before he met me and he was almost 40 years old. I didn't pay enough attention to the dysfunctional dynamics in his family. I listened to his words and didn't pay enough attention to his actions. I will say, though, in the first 2-3 months of our relationship, each time around, he treated me like a princess. It made it that much more confusing when things started changing. I excused it. I clung to the way things used to be and didn't give weight to how things were in the here & now. I just held onto hope that it would go back to how it used to be.
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The second (final) time we broke up, it was the week before I closed on my condo. He was so into it when I put in the offer. And when the idea of our future and commitments became a reality, he bailed. I remember so vividly leaving the closing and coming to my new home. I had packed a little picnic lunch of salad, strawberries and a martini. I sat down on my dining room floor and I cried and cried and cried. It was so bittersweet and I was so angry with him for breaking all his promises, for saying all the "right" things to me which fed into my building this false idea of happiness and security. It was all an illusion but, in my mind, it was so real and so infallible.
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I'm now trying to make decisions about where Bianca will go to school. I work an hour from where I live and I hate the thought of having her so far away. I can't help but regret that I didn't take school into account when I moved; that I listened to his promises. I can't help but be reminded of where I thought I'd be in my life at this point. And, don't get me wrong, I am happy and I'm better off without him. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I sometimes wish he had turned out to be the person he said he was.
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I have to believe that there was a reason I saw him yesterday.....I guess it was time for me to confront some of these feelings again. I started to cry when I saw him and I'm not sure why. My first instinct was that it has to do with feeling bad about myself and feeling ashamed of how I look now. I stuffed it down right away because I didn't want to explain to Bianca why I was crying. She's *really* into Why? Why? Why? right now without accepting any brushoff answers. I didn't have the energy for it. Of couse now that I've stuffed it down.....who knows if I can get it back.

HUNGER

1 a: a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient b: an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food c: a weakened condition brought about by prolonged lack of food2: a strong desire : craving : an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing

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I don't like hunger very much. I mean, I'm sure not many people LIKE it. But it really unsettles me. It makes me panic. Why? As I sit here pondering that question, all I can think is that maybe it's because I am afraid to find out what it is I'm hungry for. Since I know that so much of my eating is not about physical hunger. Maybe my fear is that if I don't immediately satiate the physical hunger, I will start to look deeper into the emotional hunger and I'm afraid what I will find. Afraid it will shatter my little world. So why is it that I sit here trying to be open to what the emotional hunger is about and I'm coming up empty?

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On the flip side, when I have periods of starving myself, I LOVE hunger. I love it because I think of it as a punishment and I think "Good, good...be hungry, feel uncomfortable. You deserve to feel that longing and that pain and not have it met. You deserve this." So if I feel hunger is some sort of punishment, what does that say about the fact that I can't stand it when I'm in overeating mode?

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Is the perceived punishment simply having to suffer being alone with myself and not having my coping mechanism to stuff feelings down with? I don't know. I'm actually closing my eyes and typing this as it comes to mind. Trying to bypass the usual censors. I just want to feel it. Dear lord, all I feel is the need for a nap......!!

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When I'm actively bingeing, I tend to feel hungry even when I know I can't possibly be. I actually believe I feel my stomach growling. What is that about? My mind is trying to make me believe that I'm physically hungry? I don't get it. What is my body trying to accomplish? What does it have to gain (no pun intended) by keeping up the eating? I wish I could understand. I guess all I can do it keep trying to think and......no, NOT think. Feel. I need to keep trying to FEEL what else is going on when I think I'm hungry or just when I want to eat. I guess the body just wants to hold the status quo.

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While I didn't have an evening binge last night, I'm not counting it as a success. I ate so much for dinner that I was in pain. I think it was out of fear that I would limit myself from bingeing afterwards. I wanted to be sure I had "enough" to hold me over til bedtime. Even feeling full and nearly sick didn't stop the urge. I had major urge last night which I did not give in to but it was even harder than the night before. My hands were shaking and I was slightly panic-stricken as I went to bed. Today, also. At work, I had lunch and I was uncomfortably full but ALL I could think about was eating a cookie. I wanted it so badly it was making me really angry. I want, more accurately I NEED, to start figuring some of this stuff out. Excellent topic for counseling tomorrow.

Trying Something Different

My Mom is here right now and she's playing with Bianca. We've finished dinner. I had enough yet ever since we finished I've been mentally scanning the fridge and the pantry thinking about what is in there and planning my nighttime binge, after Mom leaves and Bianca goes to bed.
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I mentioned in my last post that I reached out to a woman who is a dietitian. She's the Mom of one of the kids in Bianca's daycare. I'm not going to use her real name here since I've not asked her permission. I am going to call her "JS". We've been corresponding through email and she's been a help, for sure. Though she's not MY nutritionist, it's nice to be able to talk to someone about the topic. And also nice to be able to mix in a little spattering of social & Mom-talk. It takes away some of the intensity. I emailed her last night and confessed it was my "bad" time of day. I told her that I actually feel panic at the thought of choosing NOT to binge. It's something I've just recently realized as I've been getting more serious about dealing with my addiction. And even though I know the guilt, remorse and disgust that follow, I still choose the binge.
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JS responded with this: Do you ever journal? I know this has helped a lot of people - mainly focusing on why the binge would occur and how you will feel afterwards. Really allow yourself to feel the guilt beforehand and writing it down sometimes makes it more of a reality. I have had patients in the past that were actually seeking out the guilt the next day, even though they didn't realize that was what they were doing and really staring it in the face helped. Trying to just ignore the nature of the beast makes it difficult. Confront your feelings and see where that takes you.
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The part I italicized struck me in particular. It made me think about Eckart Tolle and his theory that I keep coming back to. Keeping the pain body alive. Continuing to sabotage myself. I've recognized that I do that to myself in matters of abuse.....beating myself up, choosing bad relationships, holding on to bad memories, negative feelings and anger. Punishing myself when there is no one else to do it. Could this be why my eating has been getting worse as I've felt like I'm making more progress in other areas of counseling? Am I just transferring it from one medium to another?
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Tonight, no matter how scary, I'm making the decision not to binge. I feel dread, fear and panic as I write that knowing that putting it down makes it more real and makes me accountable for my decision. I'm going to brush my teeth when I bring Bianca up to bed and I will blog or knit when I return downstairs. It it's too intense, I will have to go upstairs to bed.
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It's now 2 1/2 hours later and I'm getting ready to go to bed. Before I brushed my teeth along with Bianca, I definitely felt a rush of "No-no-no-no!!!!!! I need to eat!!!" Normally, I would give in to that and allow myself to be talked out of brushing so I could continue my binge. But tonight I went ahead and brushed. And I came downstairs and I haven't had anything to eat. I watched American Idol. I knitted. I did some things on the computer. There have been a few moments of struggle. I definitely want to eat right now. In fact, I'm feeling "hungry". I mean, it actually feels like my stomach is growling even though it's not. It's making me crazy hence the reason I need to go to bed soon. But I did it. I made it through a night without bingeing. And while it's only one tiny blip in the big picture of my addiction, it's a reminder that I can do this. I can make a good choice. I can survive.

The Saga Continues

I took another step forward last week in seeking treatment for my eating disorder. Laurie Ann from the Renfrew Center had left a message before Christmas with some promised names of Nutritionists and Psychiatrists. I knew it was on my voicemail but I'd not listened to it. I had asked for names of people near where I work, as well as near where I live, to see which would work out better for me. So her message was basically giving me the extension numbers of the two nutritionists and the one psychiatrist who work at the center. Useless. She said in the message that she "knew I said that days work better for me". ?? I called her back and I said "No, what I said was that I wanted to be part of the daytime residential program but since I'm not welcome there, I told you I'd either need someone to do day appt's near my office or night/weekend appt's near my home." So I asked her for more names. That was last week.

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In the meantime, I was poking around Renfrew's website. I was looking in the FAQ section and I noticed a trend going on. Questions about Anorexia or Bulemia = Renfrew can help. Questions about compulsive overeating or food addition = Referring you elsewhere. I found this one question in particular that just really struck me with a sour note:

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One woman writes in to ask why there is so much focus on A/B's & not so much on overeaters.

A: In general the mental health professions have focused more on anorexia and bulimia than on problems of overeating. There are, however, therapists and programs addressing the multifaceted personal, psychological, cultural and health issues involved in overeating. You may want to visit the Overcoming Overeating website which lists books, therapists and other resources. They even have an online mailing list discussion group for people using the Overcoming Overeating approach developed by Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter. The Renfrew Center has developed Body Balance, an alternative program for large women, based on self-care rather than dieting, where large women can support one another in dealing with the issues that are limiting their lives.

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To which I say, WTF??? "Large Women"??? That is so offensive and frankly diminishes the entire scope of the struggles I deal with on a daily basis.

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Laurie Ann calls me back yesterday and said she really didn't have any other names for me. She had a couple but none of them were close enough to work out. So I put her on the spot and said that it just seems Renfrew isn't equipped for dealing with food addicts. She tried to turn that around and asked me why, if I was willing to do the residential day program, I can't take time out to see their therapists during the day. *bitch* "Because," I said "What I was prepared to do was take a leave of absence to focus exclusively on my healing. I can't be running in and out of work day in & day out, disrupting schedules to be constantly going to appointments. I'm either here or I'm not." And then I said "You didn't answer my question. Is Renfrew equipped to deal with food addicts?" She said that they definitely focus on Anorexics and Bulemics. I asked her why they don't state that up front instead of making me go through the evaluation and all this subsequent B.S. She said how they do have the Emotional Eaters group which is "perfect" for me. I said "It's one night a week, as opposed to ALL the other programs you have available for other disorders." She said in their experience the EE group in conjunction with therapy, nutritionist, phychiatrist & physician has been a successful approach. I said "Do you see how much more difficult you make it for me to get help? Go here this day, go there that day, see this person and that person." I told her it's really frustrating to feel like I can't get help from this place that flaunts itself as one of the best centers for eating disorders and it feels discriminatory that all the help is focused on the other eating disorders. I told her, IMHO, it's dangerous to "dabble"...either treat compulsive overeaters or don't. Don't try to ride the fence. I'm writing letters to the director of Renfrew, as well as the director of my local center, to express my displeasure. And I've all but washed my hands of them at this point.

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I left work last night feeling like, once again, I had to try to take matters into my own hands to line up my own team of support people. But I refused to let myself feel defeated or to wallow in the old "I'm all alone in the world" thinking. I'm in charge.

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There is a woman I see at Bianca's daycare, she's a Mom of one of the kids in the younger class, who I heard was a nutritionist. For months, I've been wanting to talk to her. She's so sweet. But I never can seem to catch her by herself for 5 seconds. Well, don't you know that last night we pulled into the parking lot at the same time. She had her older daughter with her which is one of the things that generally stops me from talking to her about this subject but her daughter took off to run around the playground leaving me alone with her for a minute. *Opportunity!!* So I took a deep breath and asked her if she was a nutritionist. She said yes, she is/was. She's not working in that exact capacity right now, she's doing consulting for something but she still has plenty of knowledge and contacts in the field. She gave me her email address and I wrote to her last night and gave her a brief run down of my situation. Really scary to talk to someone I see all the time about this!! But she wrote me back this AM and was so fantastic. She said she's not a fan of Renfrew. She recommended this place called Wilkins Center, which looks wonderful. Location-wise, it's not exactly convenient. But she said that was just one thought, she would reach out to a few contacts for ideas & referrals. And she said she would be happy to be a personal support for me in whatever way she can. *Exhale* I feel......dare I say.....hopeful. Again.

Sleeping with a Tricycle?

First let me say Happy New Year! And assure you I've not fallen off the face of the blogosphere!

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Okay, so I'm usually the one who helps everyone else interpret their dreams. This time, I'm stumped on my own dream.

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It took place in my current home. There was an overall sense of panic. I woke up and went into Bianca's room and realized her bed had been stolen. She was still in her room but she was wrapped up in a tarp (since I suppose the blankets were taken with the bed) and huddled in the corner in a fetal position. In fact, I don't think I ever saw her but just assumed it was her. Her room was cold, gray and wet. In fact it seemed like the room, or at least the floor, was wet concrete. My mother was in the house and I was frantic that someone had broken in despite the alarm. And I could not figure out why they would take the bed of all things. I was really, really hung up on the alarm. I kept saying it over and over. "But the alarm! How did they break in with the alarm??" When I returned to my own bedroom, there was a tricycle in the bed and I realized I'd been sleeping with it, unaware.

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Okay, so I know that at least a bicycle represents balance in life, or a need for balance. I wonder if the fact that it's a tricycle suggests that I'm still a neophyte with the ability to balance my life? Ohhhhh, oh oh. Something coming to fruition in my brain.....Bianca in the corner is me. Breathe, breathe, breathe......starting to feel the edges of a panic attack. Okay....I was having so much trouble putting this together. Beds represent intimacy or sexuality. I couldn't place that in my dream because I have no intimate life right now!! But Bianca is me.....this is speaking to my sexuality being stolen from me as a child. Making more sense now. This is why my mother was in the dream. This is why I couldn't understand how the alarm didn't stop the "thief". This is why it was a tricycle in my bed. "Bianca's" wet room: To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To dream that water is rising up in your house, signifies your struggles and overwhelming emotions.

Alrightee, then.....that took 15 minutes to write out and completely sapped me of all energy when I finally put it together. Writing is an amazing tool when it comes to dream interpretation. Any other thoughts welcome......

Coming back to this much later, after having more time to think about it.....I'm sure that this is some message about balancing (the tricycle) my inner child with my present day self. Bianca's bed was stolen but she was still there, huddled in the corner. My bed was there, but with the bike in it.

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I came back to add, after proof-reading,...... and I'm going to cry as I type this.....it is only when I have dreams like this that I can maybe slightly accept that I was really abused. When something happens in the part of my mind that I can't control then I maybe can let in the belief that I'm not crazy, or making this up, or making too much out of what happened. Isn't that so sad that I'm so conditioned to believe that it's not so bad?? That after 30+ years, I still struggle to believe that it did really happen and that it really did affect me??

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A second addendum....I'm at home now. I wrote that just as I was leaving work. I got in my car and I felt a surge of emotion. My usual protocol is to remind myself of why it's a bad time for me to feel emotions....on my way somewhere, need to concentrate on something else, in the middle of something "more important", and I'll turn up the radio and busy my brain elsewhere. Today, I turned the radio off and breathed into the feelings. I cried. Not for long but enough to make me feel I'd accomplished something. I cried and I allowed myself to grieve for being robbed of something precious and irreplaceable. I realize that there is nothing more important that taking those opportunities when they come. By feeling my feelings and allowing my grief, I give myself the best gift of all which is healing.