Friday, January 16, 2009


1 a: a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient b: an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food c: a weakened condition brought about by prolonged lack of food2: a strong desire : craving : an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing
I don't like hunger very much. I mean, I'm sure not many people LIKE it. But it really unsettles me. It makes me panic. Why? As I sit here pondering that question, all I can think is that maybe it's because I am afraid to find out what it is I'm hungry for. Since I know that so much of my eating is not about physical hunger. Maybe my fear is that if I don't immediately satiate the physical hunger, I will start to look deeper into the emotional hunger and I'm afraid what I will find. Afraid it will shatter my little world. So why is it that I sit here trying to be open to what the emotional hunger is about and I'm coming up empty?
On the flip side, when I have periods of starving myself, I LOVE hunger. I love it because I think of it as a punishment and I think "Good, hungry, feel uncomfortable. You deserve to feel that longing and that pain and not have it met. You deserve this." So if I feel hunger is some sort of punishment, what does that say about the fact that I can't stand it when I'm in overeating mode?
Is the perceived punishment simply having to suffer being alone with myself and not having my coping mechanism to stuff feelings down with? I don't know. I'm actually closing my eyes and typing this as it comes to mind. Trying to bypass the usual censors. I just want to feel it. Dear lord, all I feel is the need for a nap......!!
When I'm actively bingeing, I tend to feel hungry even when I know I can't possibly be. I actually believe I feel my stomach growling. What is that about? My mind is trying to make me believe that I'm physically hungry? I don't get it. What is my body trying to accomplish? What does it have to gain (no pun intended) by keeping up the eating? I wish I could understand. I guess all I can do it keep trying to think, NOT think. Feel. I need to keep trying to FEEL what else is going on when I think I'm hungry or just when I want to eat. I guess the body just wants to hold the status quo.
While I didn't have an evening binge last night, I'm not counting it as a success. I ate so much for dinner that I was in pain. I think it was out of fear that I would limit myself from bingeing afterwards. I wanted to be sure I had "enough" to hold me over til bedtime. Even feeling full and nearly sick didn't stop the urge. I had major urge last night which I did not give in to but it was even harder than the night before. My hands were shaking and I was slightly panic-stricken as I went to bed. Today, also. At work, I had lunch and I was uncomfortably full but ALL I could think about was eating a cookie. I wanted it so badly it was making me really angry. I want, more accurately I NEED, to start figuring some of this stuff out. Excellent topic for counseling tomorrow.


Ethereal Highway said...

If only it were so easy to see my own stuff as it is to see the stuff of others. I guess that is why I sometimes ask the opinions of others. *sigh* You are so honest here, Kim. I admire you. You are so very brave. I love the definitions you provided for hunger. I can see very plainly what it is you hunger for just by reading your honesty. The first paragraph of the previous post says it all. As do the dreams. The mother is in the house (house as metaphor for body). Best of luck to you, honey. I think you have the guts and the power to find a way to nourish yourself in the way that you need to be nourished. I'm hungry, too. Addictions and unhealthy compulsions are hard.

Bless you, dear lady.


Is there anyway you can take those two dreams about the broken alarm system and the first paragraph of the previous post to your therapist? Maybe you can tell her you need nourishment. It's nothing to be ashamed of. We ALL need it. Those who pretend they don't are lying. I know because I used to be one of them. Just try to stay on the side of that hungry little girl who hides in a tarp. Love her, she's precious.

jumpinginpuddles said...

eatinm is comfort an prety scary wen ya doin it cause ya tryin ta help yaself this is a rockin blog

Marj aka Thriver said...

I have a problem with binge eating myself...especially chocolate. And right now, with this rib injury I have, I'm not getting much exercise, so I'm gaining weight. Ugh.

My emphasis right now is trying to find ways to comfort myself that do NOT involve a lot of calories and fat. I wish us both well in this battle. ((((((Safe hugs))))))