HUNGER

1 a: a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient b: an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food c: a weakened condition brought about by prolonged lack of food2: a strong desire : craving : an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing

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I don't like hunger very much. I mean, I'm sure not many people LIKE it. But it really unsettles me. It makes me panic. Why? As I sit here pondering that question, all I can think is that maybe it's because I am afraid to find out what it is I'm hungry for. Since I know that so much of my eating is not about physical hunger. Maybe my fear is that if I don't immediately satiate the physical hunger, I will start to look deeper into the emotional hunger and I'm afraid what I will find. Afraid it will shatter my little world. So why is it that I sit here trying to be open to what the emotional hunger is about and I'm coming up empty?

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On the flip side, when I have periods of starving myself, I LOVE hunger. I love it because I think of it as a punishment and I think "Good, good...be hungry, feel uncomfortable. You deserve to feel that longing and that pain and not have it met. You deserve this." So if I feel hunger is some sort of punishment, what does that say about the fact that I can't stand it when I'm in overeating mode?

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Is the perceived punishment simply having to suffer being alone with myself and not having my coping mechanism to stuff feelings down with? I don't know. I'm actually closing my eyes and typing this as it comes to mind. Trying to bypass the usual censors. I just want to feel it. Dear lord, all I feel is the need for a nap......!!

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When I'm actively bingeing, I tend to feel hungry even when I know I can't possibly be. I actually believe I feel my stomach growling. What is that about? My mind is trying to make me believe that I'm physically hungry? I don't get it. What is my body trying to accomplish? What does it have to gain (no pun intended) by keeping up the eating? I wish I could understand. I guess all I can do it keep trying to think and......no, NOT think. Feel. I need to keep trying to FEEL what else is going on when I think I'm hungry or just when I want to eat. I guess the body just wants to hold the status quo.

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While I didn't have an evening binge last night, I'm not counting it as a success. I ate so much for dinner that I was in pain. I think it was out of fear that I would limit myself from bingeing afterwards. I wanted to be sure I had "enough" to hold me over til bedtime. Even feeling full and nearly sick didn't stop the urge. I had major urge last night which I did not give in to but it was even harder than the night before. My hands were shaking and I was slightly panic-stricken as I went to bed. Today, also. At work, I had lunch and I was uncomfortably full but ALL I could think about was eating a cookie. I wanted it so badly it was making me really angry. I want, more accurately I NEED, to start figuring some of this stuff out. Excellent topic for counseling tomorrow.