Monday, August 3, 2009
I feel like such a failure lately. All I can see are the many things I have not accomplished. My failures do not define me?? Pphhhhhhbbbbbbbttttttt. Yeah, right. When it seems like all there is to me, you can bet your ass they define me. At least in my own mind.
It's been a couple of hours since I started this post. I just returned to it, ready to rattle off my list of wrong-doings that clearly evidence what a mess I am. I re-read my first thought and when I read the "At least in my own mind" line, I thought "which part of my mind is that? Is it the 5 year old? The 8 year old? The 12 year old?" I recognize this as my father's influence on how I judge myself. You're no good, you can't do anything right, you're stupid, selfish, worthless, lazy. Yet the 40 year old part of me really, really struggles with "blaming" my father for this. I am a grown up. When do I take responsibility for me instead of calling my flaws someone elses doing? This is a difficult concept for me to grasp.
Okay. So apparently it's extremely difficult for me to grasp that because that was written 5 days ago and I'm just now coming back. I had to break from the post to talk to my friend and bounce my thoughts off her. Of course she said all the right and logical things. I keep coming back to thinking "How can I be this messed up at 40 just because I had a crappy dad?" In my head I know it's so much more but I'm stuck there in my head right now.