Not Hungry

Things have been crazy around here. I've not blogged but it's certainly not due to lack of material!

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Starting back last weekend, Friday Aug 21st. I'd planned Bianca's birthday party for Sat the 22nd. Now, every single year it has rained on the day of Bianca's party. I went out on a limb this year and planned an outdoor beach party but I put a backup party plan in place in case the weather phenomenon continued this year. Naturally, we seemed to be in the path of the hurricane this year and bad weather was looking imminent. No worries, I thought....I have my backup plan in place!

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The weather was bad Friday night and I ended up losing power at about 9pm. Right as I was getting all the food ready for the morning. *sigh* Afraid to open the fridge and let any cold air out, I decided to go to bed early so I could get up early since certainly the power would be back on by then. Oh what a night. Bianca was scared because it was so dark. I put candles in my bedroom and she slept in my bed. It was so dead quiet that I could hear the neighbors and every little creak & groan. It was about 90 degrees with no air or fans and Bianca kept snuggling closer and closer to me. Then the power company showed up around 2am and started digging right outside my unit. I did not sleep at all. Come 5am, I got up. Still no power. Weather questionable. Hot as blazes. I have a migraine. I'm worried about the food in my fridge and if it's gone bad. I get us both ready and as I'm about to start packing the car, the power comes back on. I'm frantically trying to put food on serving platters and I'm calling my contacts for the beach party to see if the weather dictates cancellation. I'm sick to my stomach. They are on the fence, tell me it's up to me. I'm carrying, packing, driving, calling, checking weather on radio & blackberry. If you live in this area, you will know a common local saying which is "If you don't like the weather in New England....wait a minute." Things change so quickly. I was so stressed out trying to figure out what to do and I finally made the executive decision to have the party at the backup location. Now, I'm driving, trying to listen to my GPS, passing bagels & milk to Bianca in the back seat, checking my party list and emailing or calling all the parents to tell them of change in plans while also trying to drink coffee and drive with my elbows. Fun. I will *NEVER* again book an outdoor party!!

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Party itself turned out to be a blast and the kids all had a great time at a small, family owned arcade. I worked hard during the party and was happy for some downtime afterwards where Bianca and I hung out and played games by ourselves. It absolutely torrentially downpoured on our way home and we had to make a mad dash for the door in the rain. I wanted to wait it out in the car but it was "too loud" for Bianca. She wanted to go inside. I was exhausted. I had not eaten anything all day. I'd had coffee & diet coke. And I'd forgotten my Effexor the night before. I was a mess.

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So here I have ALL this food in my house.....sanwiches, salads, cake, cookies, chips, etc....and the last thing I want to do is eat. Except I have ALL this food in my house and I begin to panic that I don't feel like eating. This is a completely foreign feeling to me. I know I've not eaten and I should have some protein. I feel mildly nauseous which is likely attributable to exhaustion and the migraine "hangover". I am literally trying to convince myself to go binge. Why? I was in a panic about all the food and if I don't start eating it in my usual methodical way it might go bad. Which in my mind, equals my "rejecting" food. And I may not have this opportunity again with this volume of food available to me at once so I need to take advantage! Except I really did not want to eat. Yet I was in a total nonsensical panic about that feeling.

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It was utterly bizarre, a definite first time feeling for me. But it reaffirms some of my past statements about the fact that Food is my relationship. I felt an obligation to "take care" of the food and be sure it's existence served purpose. To not reject it. To give equal attention to all the different foods. And in my feeling like I was not up to the task, I began to panic and try to convince myself this is what I needed to do instead of just respecting how I was feeling at the moment. Further, I think the panic was likely fueled because if I did respect my wish to not eat, what if I had to start feeling something or dealing with feelings?? Oh, the horror!

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Unfortunately I've not had any trouble eating since then......but it was an interesting bump in my path that deserves some more thought and understanding.