Wednesday, August 5, 2009

My New Job

So I went to T tonight all hot on the topic of why thoughts from my past still reign in my mind. Why is it I can see all the negative, all the failures but I rarely allow myself to acknowledge a job well done? And when I DO allow myself to feel good about something I've accomplished, I immediately knock that down with reminders of all those things I've not done well.
I threw this out there for Susan to explain to me and she did so in blunt and direct fashion. She said (loudly, I may add!) "Because you don't dispute it!!" She added "Kim, it's time for you to self-parent."
Earlier we'd been discussing Bianca's upcoming transition to Kindergarten and I was talking about some of the fears Bianca has expressed. I described how I allow her time to talk about her feelings, I ask her questions to try to help both of us understand her anxieties. I validate her feelings and I offer her reassurance or encouragement that we'll get through it just fine. When Bianca tries something and gets frustrated that she can't do it, I lightly validate her frustration that it's tough to do new things. I help her breathe away the negative and force myself to ooze patience out of my pores!! I parent her with love, care, understanding, an open heart, patience.
When the "girl" inside of ME pipes up with a fear or a doubt, I beat her down into a pulp, berate her, insult her, shame her. I abuse her. I have remarked many times that my father only wanted to be a "parent" when I'd done something he could criticize. Well, looky whose footsteps I follow in when parenting myself. Even though in my parenting of Bianca, I see that I'm actually a very nurturing and good Mom! I also need to consciously remember, daily, that the way my father treated me had nothing to do with ME. I never did anything to deserve that treatment and there is no reason I need to keep reliving, and enforcing, his hateful and destructive messages.
Time to befriend myself. Time to view my inner child as the same innocent, decent, pure child that Bianca is and time to start treating myself the way I'd treat any other person I love. Time to dispute those negative and self-defeating thoughts. Time to love myself and nurture myself. This is my new "job." I'm gonna work it overtime and I'm gonna kick ass!!


Ellen said...

You sound like a wonderful mother P. I wish I'd been able to be that nurturing to my young son when he was that age.

When we've been subject to abuse, it's difficult to treat ourselves kindly - I've found that also. You've laid it out very clearly.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hey Kim,
I really like this post and like so much that you recognized what you have been doing to your inner child.

How is the parenting going?

You are so strong. I read it in every word you write.


Kim said...

Thank you Ellen.

Vicki, the parenting is going well. I had an incident yesterday in which I was about to beat myself up and I caught it and was very nurturing to myself instead. It felt good. Honestly, just being aware of it and being determined not to be so hard on me has been 75% of the cure! Thanks for your encouragement, as always!