1st Day of School: Major Triggers

I am feeling a lifetime of emotional pain today. I feel like I abandoned my baby and it's triggering me in fully unexpected and excruciating ways.

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Bianca has been pretty vocal about not wanting to start Kindergarten. Her 5th birthday was last week and she cried much of the day that she didn't want to be 5. She doesn't want to go to Kindergarten, doesn't like Kindergarten, doesn't like new friends, etc, etc, etc. Yesterday we took a day off for "Mommy/Bianca Fun Day" which was really nice. I was pushing the subject of Kindergarten pretty hard for a while but decided to back off in the last week or so. Yesterday, she mentioned something about starting K and I said "I'm so excited for you" to which she solemnly replied "I'm not."

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She was the same this morning. Didn't want to go. I tried to keep things light and positive, as well as just matter-of-fact in an empathetic way. I hear and understand what you're saying....we'll get through this and we'll both be okay! We read The Kissing Hand last night and gave each other heart stickers from the book this morning to signify that our love stays with one another all day even when we're apart. Things were a little muddled this AM. I had to run out & grab her a notebook before school. Weren't sure where we were going or what the time schedule was. Eventually we made our way over to her classroom. I was pleased to see her teacher was the same woman who did her evaluation in the spring. She seems very nice. I also met the two TA's. Bianca actually, though somewhat clingy, did much better than I expected. She definitely likes the classroom. There is alot to see and do and she was playing with some of the things and exploring. Several times, she said she didn't want me to leave. She was holding onto me but not crying. I, on the other hand, had to take many, many extra pictures of her (not exactly a hardship) in order to hide my tears behind the camera so she would not see me!!

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Once pledge of allegiance and morning announcements were over, it was time for parents to leave and kids to start class. I hugged & kissed her, kissed her Kissing Hand heart sticker, told her I loved her and would see her later, have a great day and I bolted from the room, not looking back. I have no idea if she was crying or how she felt. I cried all the way to the car, garnishing a few encouraging words from other parents along the way, got into my car and just sobbed. Sobbed. Sobbed. I called my friend for support and she was trying valiantly to calm me down. I was able to verbalize that I didn't need reason. I can do the calm rationale by myself. It's emotions that I don't do well and I really just needed to let them out. I was spewing all kinds of nonsensical hysteria when it came to the surface......I feel like I abandoned her. I ran out on her when she needed or wanted me. Triggers, triggers, triggers. Old stuff, old stuff, old stuff.

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In my head, I know I did the right thing. The quick exit is the only way to go to not prolong the agony. In my heart, I feel like I just ran out on my baby when she needed me and I'm leaving her to fend for herself in a scary new world. In about 30 minutes, she's going to have to transition to the after school program where she will get onto a bus full of people she doesn't know and go to another new place, with another set of new kids. And I won't even be there to walk her in and help her get set up. She just turned 5 for heaven's sake!! I know, in my head, this is all age appropriate independence, and that there are wonderful people around her to assist her, but I can't help but worry she will feel like I ran out on her. That I am not there for her. Or like she's being forced to grow up too fast and take care of her own needs. I don't want to shelter her but I want to be there for her. And I feel like I'm not. Which triggers me in all my old stuff. I *SO* did not expect this feeling. It's bringing up my own abandonment issues, remembering that I was expected to be a pint-sized adult and deal with my own problems. Remembering that my parents were not there for me when I needed help or protection. I know I need to sort my issues away from her situation or else I will make this harder on her than it needs to be. I did not in any way anticipate this kind of reaction on my part. Oh the joy of PTSD. (spit)

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I am supposed to be working from home but I'm a freaking mess. I am going for my first acupuncture appointment in about 9o minutes. I'm hoping that will help me relax. And, oh how convenient, the acupuncture center is about 5 minutes up the road from Bianca's after school program. So I will be picking her up early today and probably smothering her (or cracking a few ribs) with ginormous hugs and kisses. I seriously need to pull my shit together before then because I'm still crying like a loon. The love for this child is suffocating, entirely overwhelming and all-consuming. She is my world and I just so want for her to be happy and enjoy her childhood. It's a horrible and out-of-control feeling right now wondering what is happening and how she's doing. Wondering if she's crying, scared, missing me? I know, I know, I know that she will be alright in the end. And I know I can't protect her from life. And I know she is not me and her circumstances, feelings and fears are not the same as mine were.

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I'm in agony right now. I recognize that it's primarily pain for me. For the 5 year old in me who wonders why she wasn't good enough or loved enough to be protected.