Tuesday, September 1, 2009

System Overload

I had T on Weds night. Discussed a few minor topics. The afore mentioned "Not Hungry" not being one of them, of course. Funny how those things slip your mind as you sit on the therapist couch.......
The thing I did come back to discussing, reluctantly, was this constant feeling of failure in every aspect of my world. It's most prevalent at work. I am so behind and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. In fact, it's getting worse. The worse it gets, the less I want to deal with it. I am overwhelmed with various tasks that are all different yet all important. I feel literally paralyzed in my ability to just choose a task, choose a direction to go and follow through. Seems on the rare occasions that I do choose a task to tackle, I am thwarted either by the appearance of a new task or I realize that there is something I need to complete first in order to finish the task I set out to do. When things get this enmeshed and complicated, I shut down. And I then play and goof off on the computer. And then I feel intense guilt. Which makes me want to goof off more so that I don't have to think about it.
On Weds, before T, I thought I had a revelation. I thought the computer is my "daytime addiction." When I don't feel like dealing with the reality of what a mess my office is, I zone out and play games. Since I can't binge at work like I do at night, I wrap myself up in something else. ~
I went to share this with Susan on Weds night and she was kind enough to inform me that I'm "normal" Huh? Me, normal? That's not something I'm generally accused of. Although she did also tell me I was a control freak....that's a more familiar observation of myself! But normal? No. She asks what happens to a computer when you give it too many commands and tasks all at the same time? SYSTEM OVERLOAD.....

And what happens when the system overloads? It shuts down. This is not unique to me. Not unique to addicts, trauma victims or people with depression/anxiety issues. It's "normal." What is NOT normal is that I inflict this state of chaos on myself and expect that I will be able to handle it all in stride, perfectly, professionally, calmly, admirably. Withdrawing due to feeling overwhelmed may be normal but the expectations I place on myself to be extraordinary are what is all messed up. And self defeating. As long as I set unattainable goals, I will remain a "failure."
So how, exactly, does one set about doing this? I've never known any different.


VICKI IN AZ said...

So, do you think the answer to your question is rooted in the overriding fact that always our whole lives no matter what we do, no matter how much or how well, IT is never enough. You are doing some very good work here Kim, hard, excruciating, and if you could sit with me you might want to punch me for saying it but this is good work and I am with you girl.

Remember, YOU ARE ENOUGH, say it, I Am Enough. I believe in you.

Your analogy really helps me understand myself better, thanks!

Danika said...

You've hit one of the things I often think on the head ....

How do I go about (fill in the blank with whatever struggle, depends on the day) when I've never known any different.........