The thing I did come back to discussing, reluctantly, was this constant feeling of failure in every aspect of my world. It's most prevalent at work. I am so behind and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. In fact, it's getting worse. The worse it gets, the less I want to deal with it. I am overwhelmed with various tasks that are all different yet all important. I feel literally paralyzed in my ability to just choose a task, choose a direction to go and follow through. Seems on the rare occasions that I do choose a task to tackle, I am thwarted either by the appearance of a new task or I realize that there is something I need to complete first in order to finish the task I set out to do. When things get this enmeshed and complicated, I shut down. And I then play and goof off on the computer. And then I feel intense guilt. Which makes me want to goof off more so that I don't have to think about it.
On Weds, before T, I thought I had a revelation. I thought the computer is my "daytime addiction." When I don't feel like dealing with the reality of what a mess my office is, I zone out and play games. Since I can't binge at work like I do at night, I wrap myself up in something else. ~
I went to share this with Susan on Weds night and she was kind enough to inform me that I'm "normal" Huh? Me, normal? That's not something I'm generally accused of. Although she did also tell me I was a control freak....that's a more familiar observation of myself! But normal? No. She asks what happens to a computer when you give it too many commands and tasks all at the same time? SYSTEM OVERLOAD.....