Who IS he??

As you know from my prior posts, last week, B and A (her father) were supposed to meet. He agreed earlier in the week, firmed it up the night before and then cancelled the morning of. The excuse he gave me was a lie, I know it.

I felt like it would be a while til I heard from him again and to my great surprise, he reached out to me yesterday with a generic "hey, how are you guys?" as if nothing had ever happened the week before. We chatted back & forth for several hours, Sat afternoon and Sunday morning.  I SO want to bring up what happened and put him on the hot seat about it. I realize that is not the way to go and I'm just struggling my way through this mundane chit chat, feeing so supremely uncomfortable.

It came to an emotional crux for me when he told me he wanted me to email pics to him as well as text them. I wanted to say "then email them to your damn self from your phone, idiot!" but instead I brushed it off with a joke. And now I'm reeling a little bit. I feel like he will continue to take from me and never give me what I want. In my life, I have a recurring theme where I am afraid to look like a fool at the end of the day. He did that to me once. I still don't trust him. I don't really have reason to.

I realize this is the ultimate in lopsided relationships but the potential ROI is the prize. My male BFF, J, made the comment that A knows he has a tremendous amount of latitude with me.  That doesn't sit well with me.  Am I giving too much?  What have I given? An olive branch, my emotional energy, provided him a window into her life, accepted less child support...the ONLY thing she gets from him.....and I took less in an effort to receive more (in a different capacity) at the end of the road. Okay....it's only been 2 months after 9 years of nothingness. I guess I have to give things time to develop. Patience is not my virtue. I am single minded and in a rush to get this going. She has not had a father one day of her life and now that it seems tangible......I just want it to happen.  NOW.

I am worried about being too nice to him and that he will take advantage of the situation. He is enjoying a decreased support order. He gets to see pics and videos of B. Like I said, a window into her life without any effort on his part. Am I being fair in saying that, no effort on his part? (Moment to ponder.....) Yes, I think so. I don't think there is any part of his struggle that I'm not intellectually aware of. Making contact with B puts the rest of his world and family into a possible compromised position.  I don't pretend to know what he is actually experiencing.

I think it really all boils down to a total lack of trust in him. I fear I will continue to extend myself and he will take it and never live up to his end. And that I will look like a stupid fool in the end. But will I? How am I being foolish? I am giving him a chance to show up in B's life. It's not for him, it's for her and I think the thing I need to remember the most is how I will be able to relay all this to Bianca someday. If he shows up, I made it happen. If he doesn't, I gave him every opportunity.

I don't know how to ride this line with him in the meantime. I've already said I'm not a patient woman, right? It is not in my nature to be "surface".....I want the meat & potatoes!! I want him to tell me his thoughts, I want him to tell me the truth about last week. Give me that much. Let me know, honestly, where you stand. Don't leave me hanging here and guessing. Don't play me for a trusting fool....oh, even though I totally look like one right now. I don't want him thinking he's got the best of me. That his player moves are still effective on me. I want to tell him I don't trust him. I want to call him out but I feel like I cannot because of the precarious situation. Because I want something from him and he knows it. That gives him an advantage. I feel like he is still playing me. Ok so then J's question....what would be the purpose of him testing or playing me? Because as a player, he enjoys controlling women. Is he still that man? I don't know....it's what I know of him and I've not seen overwhelming evidence to the contrary yet.  Who IS he, really????   

So what does this boil down to? I still don't trust him. I am afraid of being played. I don't know the line between kind and doormat. I don't do "surface." I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!!! It's my own anxiety, the fact that I want bigger, faster progress. That I feel like I am making myself vulnerable and he is not being honest with me. So do I ask him to talk to me?  Or is this my own work to just deal with my anxiety and allow it to unfold in whatever manner it does?  I feel so completely unsure at every step of this process and I detest it. 

2 years later.....

Wow, I actually thought maybe it had been longer than 2 years.  I am so on top of this blogging thing.  You know how you stop for a bit and then it's too overwhelming to think about trying to explain all that has happened in the time since you last wrote?  And then you feel like you really need an outlet to write and you remember how cathartic your blogging was but you feel like too much time has gone by and how can you just pick up at present day and who is following your blog anymore and does anyone out there really care anyway??  No?  Just me?  OK then.

Where I'm at today....and I will do my best to go back later and fill in some back story.  For about a month and a half, I've had an opened dialog with Bianca's father.  It's the first time we've spoken in about a year and a half.  The last time we had talked ended in utter disaster and I told him never to speak to me again.  Fast forward til now and I was able to realize some ugly truths about my own contribution to that debacle.  The communication was opened, this time, by me after some soul searching.  It was the best conversation we probably have ever had about Bianca.  Shortly after our conversation, we had to go to court for a support modification.  It was complete coincidence of timing but it put us face to face for the first time in 7 years.  That meeting felt overall positive.  The tone between us has changed for sure. 

He still has not met Bianca.  I have offered it.  I do believe she would be better off to know him  no matter what he does from there.  I don't believe he would do anything purposely harmful or hurtful.  Which certainly is not to say that she doesn't run the risk of tremendous heartbreak.  After 9 years without a father, the pressure of the situation is enormous.  Can he ever repair that or make up for it?  Will he be who she imagined?  Will he be able to step in and make positive contribution to her life?  Will his limited availability for her leave her hurting more than not knowing him at all?  How will it alter the relationship between me and my baby?  She was singing to me this morning, singing along with a song but making up other words to go along with it about how much she loves our life and just the two of us in our own little family and how she doesn't want anything to break that apart. 

You know how it is....you want everything for your children!! I find that I am just so scared of this whole thing.  Will it end up being a "be careful what you wish for" cautionary tale in the end?  Or will it be something I thank God that I did?  Will it help or hurt?  Will it enrich her life or bring her levels of pain that she doesn't have now?  How do I know if I am doing the right thing?  I don't of course and I guess that is why I feel so paralyzed.  I have a really hard time trusting my instinct here for a wide variety of reasons. Take your pick....#1: He hasn't ever been what I would call trustworthy in our past dealings.  I can accept that this was the past but still...... I still feel slightly wary of him.  #2: My judgment when it comes to him has never been great.  #3: My judgment with men, particularly pertaining to father issues, has never been great.  #4: I can't tell how much my issues with my own father are playing into this.  I have done my best to keep them separate and to identify when I think I am blurring the lines.  But still, I KNOW the two are linked in a way that I simply cannot undo.  #5.  This is my BABY.  If it were just me taking my chances on disappointment....I could be a little more careless, throw caution to the wind and be willing to accept the consequences.  I regret SO DEEPLY that my choices to this point have caused Bianca loss and pain.  I cannot bear the thought of making it worse by taking this step and having it crash and burn. 

We are going to be passing by where he lives in less than 2 weeks.  I am tempted to offer that we get together somewhere so they can meet.  I typed out the text and then I could not send it.  I wasn't sure why.  I guess that is when I got flooded with the deluge of "what-ifs".  Then I felt like maybe I needed to check in with my therapist.  I haven't seen her in quite some time which has really been a financial issue more than anything else.  So I called my therapist and when I heard her phone ring, everything inside my body shriveled up and screamed "NO!! Don't do it!!" so I hung up!!  What the HELL was that??  I thought about it for a while, tossed around some ideas and eventually just imagined myself sitting in her office talking and the full weight of all of this hitting me.  I think that, up til now, I've tried to do this with my head....think it through, be intellectual, thoughtful, cautious.  No mistakes.  Yes, I've had emotional moments but then I tuck them aside and remember to keep my head.  Once I get into a therapy session, I know I will have to do it with my heart.  Feel the emotion, the connection to my own past & inner child, face the weight of my choices and, honestly also, face what I was perceiving to be HER potential judgment and JUST as I write this do I realize that I am terrified to face MY OWN judgment when I allow myself to view this from an emotional perspective.  Dammit, THIS is why I blog and should never stop no matter who my audience is or is not.  I learn things by writing that I just can't hit on anywhere else. 

What The Hell Am I Doing?

You know, sometimes the task of unloading everything on my mind is so daunting, I just stare at the blank screen with absolutely no idea how it's all going to get from there to here. One word, one letter at a time seems insurmountable. This is when I really want to kick myself for not keeping up with regularly writing.

I have so much to do at work today yet I can't focus on anything except the need to write and figure out what I am doing.

I was supposed to go to court this week for child support because Bianca's bio-father stopped paying for several months. Shortly after I got the notice of hearing, he started paying again. Last week, I called the court to find out if that meant that the hearing was cancelled. They do not cancel the hearing for that reason but after talking with the clerk, she said if I wanted her to, she would go ahead and cancel it. Believe me, I do not want to travel (2 states away) to court if it's not completely necessary so yes, I wanted it cancelled. She called me back later to find out if I could let bio-father know because she was unable to get in touch with him. I told her we do not talk so she said she would send him a letter but was unsure if it would get to him before the court date.

Shortly thereafter, I was in my email. I keep his contact information in there just in case there is ever an emergency in which I need to contact him. So what do you know....he was online at that moment. Feeling a surge of nice-ness, I decided to IM him and let him know. I just said something like "hey, wanted to let you know that court was cancelled. they were not able to reach you and asked me to let you know. here's the contact info so you can verify with the clerk" At this point, I *fully* anticipated he would go offline and block me forever. Instead, he IMed back with a thank you. Then a minute later IMed and said "I don't suppose I can be so bold as to just say hello and ask how you are?" Man, talk about butterflies in your stomach..... I haven't spoken to this man in any sort of civil manner in 7 years. Now he wants to know how I am? He asked about Bianca. He asked for a picture of her. He told me he thinks about her all the time.

I can imagine from the outside, this all looks very cut and dry. He has no business, right? He made his decision, right? But I'm not on the outside and what is happening is testing me at every turn. I should maybe hate him but I don't. I hate the position he put me in. I hate that he deceived me and played me. I hate that I cared for him a great deal. On the other hand, he gave me the greatest blessing of my life. We created a life together and whether I want it or not, I am tied to him forever through her.

Now I've entered this slippery slope of chatting with him. I have no doubt I am being foolish. I want things from him that he cannot give me. I want honesty from him and I don't know that he's capable of that. Even if he is being honest....I still don't trust him. What does he want from me right now? And what do I want? And what is the point of all this? Because really, there is no reason for us to be talking. He is not prepared to be in her life in a meaningful way and I won't allow anything less. When I talk to him, I want to do one of two things. I want to spill my guts about the last 7 years. But I want him to do the same and he won't because well #1 - he's a guy and not all about gushing his feelings and thoughts about the past. I think he has ulterior motives. Oh let's call a spade a spade....I am sure he has motives. Because at the end of our first conversation, he was trying to turn the conversation in an R-rated direction. I didn't let it go that way but I'll tell you.....it's hard not to. I mentioned that I want to do one of two things when I talk to him. Flirt is #2. I guess it's familiar and it deflects all these intense emotions and the confusion I'm feeling. I refuse to go there because there is just no point. I mean honestly.....did I not learn the first time around? I did, right? So then WHY am I still talking to him? Because I want him to be something he is not. I want him to appreciate and cherish the life we created together. I want him to be her father. He is her sperm donor, basically. And I was cool with that for a long time and now he's here and he's throwing me for a loop. And I know the smartest thing for me to do is to shut this door and walk away and stop talking to him but I don't want to. Why don't I want to???

I left this post there last night and today I'm back. I spent some time sorting through some feelings and I just see how this is triggering my most vulnerable topic which is my own father issues. I desperately wanted my father to be someone he was not. It took me a long, long time to make peace with the truth. And this is like round 2 of daddy issues. Just like my own father, Bianca's father is not capable of being the man she needs in her life. I hate that. And just like with my own father, I am reluctant to close the door because I foolishly, erroneously think that if I can say or do *just* the right thing that it will magically strike just the right nerve and transform him into the man he should be. Bullshit.

I feel in a quandary right now. I *should* walk away. I am plagued by moronic what-if's. What if I close the door on this and I never hear from him again? What if this could be something and I cut it off right now before giving it a chance? What if he's changed? The answers are, unequivocably, 1: so what, 2: you should and 3: he hasn't. And I KNOW this without question.

Today I stayed off chat so I would not have a chance to talk to him. Of course, a few minutes ago I signed into my email and up popped an offline message he sent me last night. And I'm struggling to keep my distance. My heart wants something that my brain knows will never happen. There is a paralyzing fear in me of closing the door even though I know with absolute certainty that it's the right thing to do. Why is it SO damn hard to do the right thing sometimes?

Updates

Update to my previous post about how Acupuncture is helping with my addiction. I mentioned that, by two days later, my cravings and urges to binge returned. I've still been wrestling with it since then however, I've come to notice something. I am able to tap into a level of consciousness that was not previously there. For instance, one of the aspects of a binge is that I dissociate from my actions during. Now, I'm noticing that I'm not entirely dissociated. I'm actually now questioning myself before or during a binge..."What am I doing?", "What am I feeling?", "Why do I want to do this right now?". The other night, it was around 11pm and I was about to heat something up to eat. I paused, I took a deep breath. I said to myself "I don't need this. There is NO physical hunger in my body right now." I put the food away and I was fine with that. That, in itself, is significant in my world. I go back tonight for another treatment. I'm going to talk to my Acu Doc about upping my treatments to twice a week for now. Acupuncture builds on itself in terms of healing so if I wait too long between treatments at this stage, it's like starting from square one each visit. I'm afraid that last weeks result set the bar SO high that I'll be disappointed with anything less so I'm just trying to stay grounded and remember slow, gradual progress is okay, too.
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Update #2. On Bosses and Fathers. Background post here. I saw my T on Saturday. A lot has gone on for me at work in the past couple months between admitting how much I'd been slacking, resolving to focus more on my job then getting sick and being out for 3 weeks during which time the poop hit the fan with the mistake I'd made. Then a new woman started working here who seriously has/had it in for me and I was forced to really evaluate what I want to do and letting go of some of my control issues as well as my desire to do it ALL. So going back to what happened when I screwed up at work (totally my own fault and totally preventable) and how upset I was over losing my bosses approval....I said to Susan (my T) how odd it was that I was not approving of my own behavior and performance in the office. So even though I was disappointed in myself, somehow I was still desperately seeking and expecting HIS approval. I thought maybe I was setting up some negative attention getting? Then Susan said "you were looking for him to rescue you....no, you were seeking his *unconditional* love." So somehow I was wanting him to love and approve of me even though I was failing him miserably. Oh how that struck a chord. I feel like I've hit a really good place and I'm making a break from the fatherly feelings around him. I've also realized that when I'm proud of the job I'm doing, all of a sudden the bosses approval isn't so important to me. Because I know when I'm doing a good job, he has no reason to be unhappy with me.
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Finally, an update on the child support issue, background post here. I called the state agency for an update last week and learned that I've been getting less child support because there is another support order against Bianca's bio-father. So this means one of two things. Either #1 he's gotten yet another woman pregnant and has another new baby or #2 his wife finally divorced him and filed for support of their daughter. I hope, for his sake, it's #2 because frankly if it IS #1...then #2 should be shortly forthcoming!! Either way, I'm giving myself more kudos for managing to stay grounded and take this information as nothing more than....well, information. It's not tied to anything, it's not triggering any of my father issues or bringing up feelings of failure, wishes for a different situation. It simply is what it is. As I said to Susan, I'm not going to give it any more energy than it deserves (which is essentially none!) but oh how I'd love to be a fly on the wall of his life for a minute!! Way to really, really screw things up for yourself and a handful of kids, too!

This Is A Test

This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency, panic attack would shortly ensue followed by rapid consumption of Effexor, Xanax, Rescue Remedy, other assorted medical sundries and large quantities of ice cream.
~
All kidding aside....I feel like this IS a test of some of my new skills of staying grounded, staying present and dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
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The last time I had to deal with a Child Support issue was in August of 2008. It's been well over a year. I like it that way. I like not having to think about it too much. I do check Bianca's bank account regularly to be sure payments are coming in. For the past 2+ months, payments coming in from her biological father have been less than the ordered amount.
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While I detest the thought of resurrecting the case, I have little faith in the system after my experiences with it. I've fought tooth and nail for every small victory. So, while the underpayment isn't huge and even though I don't need that money for day to day living, I can't let it go unchecked for long. Today I called Dept of Child Support Enforcement. I spoke to a representative who saw no reason for the underpayments...no obvious change in employment status or anything. He said 99% of the time when this happens, it's a change in salary which prompts a reduction in child support payments because, by law, the non-custodial parent must be allowed to take home a certain percentage of thier pay. I am familiar with this law and I also assume it's the reason for the reduction but instead of "Oh, I see", or "Okay, thanks", I say "Uh huh...?" as in "I'm now waiting for you to tell me what you're going to do about it.....??" Brief silence as the man waits for me to give any indication that I'm going to accept that answer and go away. Shhyeah....right. He's obviously not dealt with me before. Finally he speaks "So, I'll send a letter to his state in order to prompt an inquiry and find out what's up." Great, thanks.
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In the course of conversation, he asks the obvious question...."Are you in contact with the father at all?" I wish. I wish it were that simple. Don't I wish I could just pick up the phone or jot off an email and say "Hey, what's the story?" This brings up all the feelings I have about how I backed into motherhood. It evokes shame in having to admit that I created a life with a man I essentially did not know. It raises the needle on my "Rejection Meter". I must be unlovable for my daughter's father to have nothing to do with us. In times past, I'd probably cave and write him an email, pointlessly hoping that this time would be different. This time, he'd come clean and tell me the truth. This time, he'd ask about his daughter and how she's doing, maybe want to see a picture. Somehow, magically, the email from me would draw out his paternal feelings and he would turn into a standup guy who wanted to do right by his child.
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Right now, I'm fighting my anxiety. I do not like to wait. I'm the person who, when the computer is "thinking" with the hourglass, I'm clicking *Enter*Enter*Enter* Click*Click*Click Esc*Esc*Esc* Click*Click*Click....Alt-Ctrl-Delete!!!!! AAAaaagggghhhhh!!!! Waiting is painful for me. So to put this latest inquiry into the hands of overworked strangers who don't give a crap about why he pays me less since he is, after all, still paying me and to know that I will probably wait 6 weeks to even hear that maybe they actually did send a letter to his state after all is tough. To give up my attempts to control, drive or rush resolution gives me angst. The angst is what would generally push me to act hastily and email him. Inevitably, I'd get some BS subpar reply from him which would piss me off even more, send me on some ginormic father tangent and land me on my therapist's couch for an emergency session.
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Today, I'm grappling with the discomfort of knowing it's out of my hands. I am living with the unease of knowing I cannot control it. I accept, with difficulty, that he's nothing more than a DNA donor and I cannot ever expect anything different. I am not contacting him. I am not taking responsibility for the lying bastard he turned out to be. I'm not calling myself names because I chose to believe his well-rehearsed lines. I will focus on the utter joy that is my dimpled, smiley little girl.
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This is not about me, or anything I did wrong. It's not about my father and how he abused me. It's simply a question about a court ordered financial arrangement. And despite my propensity to snowball one tiny idea into reliving a lifetime of pain and failures, I'll leave it at that one small question. I'll stay grounded. I'll live in the present. And I'll take one giant step forward into my progress.

The Way Things Were Never Supposed To Be

Several things have gotten me thinking about DD's father. There was the incident this past weekend at the dentist office & the store. Speaking with Enola about her pregnancy and impending addition to the family. And yesterday, some child support issues reared their head again.

I've shared some of the story of the circumstances surrounding how my daughter came to be. Maybe I'm just in a "poor me" mood as I sit here hating so much of this situation and I reflect back on this bittersweet journey.

I've always wanted to be a Mom and always had envisioned the white picket fence, husband, 2 children, dog & cat. That's not the way it works for most people, I know. And honestly, things would have been worse if I'd been married to my XDH and had a child with him. I was in the process of divorcing him when I met DD's father. He turned out to be nothing he originally portrayed himself to be. I take responsibility for my role in perpetuating the fantasy.....I overlooked so many things that should have set off my warning bells. When I discovered I was pregnant, his first response was "Oh Shit." The following day, through text message as I sat crying at the hair salon, he told me he'd help pay for an abortion but didn't feel he had anything else to offer.

Becoming pregnant was never supposed to be a questionable, confusing, less than thrilling event in my life. People were often unsure how to react to my news. I'm pregnant! Errrr, Congrats? It's not supposed to be a question, right? My mother was ashamed to tell certain people. She was supposed to be excited about becoming a grandma, right?

Throughout the pregnancy, my communication with Donor was limited and only done through email, text or IM. I often had to chase him down for answers. My childs father was never supposed to be avoiding me. I went to appointments and ultrasounds alone, no one to share the excitement of the heartbeat. No one to "ooh & aah" over this tiny growing life rolling around inside my belly. No one to rub my swollen feet, to feel baby kicks with me, to peruse baby name books with, to register for baby items with.

I planned my own shower. I had to buy everything else on my own (well, my mom did buy alot for us). I had to accomodate a crib & changing table in my 1 bedroom tiny apartment in the basement of my mother's house. No nursery, no theme. Just trying to cram the necessities into an already full space.

The day after my shower, I went to the birth class at the hospital by myself. No one to go with me. I felt like such an unlovable, pathetic loser. I sat in the back, simply wanting to disappear into the wallpaper. I was so mortified at being there alone that I actually donned my old wedding rings and made up a story about my "husband" being called out of town unexpectedly for his sick father. I figured I'd never see any of these people again so it didn't matter if I told a white lie in order to make myself more comfortable. Laying on the floor doing breathing exercises.....all the other women excitedly snuggled in against their DH's or partners. Me? Propped on a pile of pillows. And then at the end of the class, I went into labor prematurely. And the nurse teaching the class rushes me upstairs to Labor & Delivery and says "honey, give me your husband's phone number so I can call him for you" and I have to shamefully admit I'd lied. Laying there in the hospital feeling more alone and humiliated than I can ever put into words. Feeling as rejected as a person can feel. And trying to reach out to DD's father to let him know what was going on. Still trying to engage him and force him to care about his soon-to-be-born child.

Through bedrest & medication, they were able to hold off labor for another 2 weeks. I was in the hospital for 10 of the 14 days. Laying there alone except for almost daily visits from my Mom bringing me clean PJ's & peanut butter sandwiches. I felt so isolated. And had Waaaaaayyyy too much time to think. I went home and then my water broke 3 days later and there was no holding back DD's birth any longer, still 7 weeks before her due date. Packing my suitcase in silence, alone. My mom drove me to the hospital which I hated. My mind was racing in every direction. I was terrified, excited, unsure.....it was completely surreal. It would have been nice to have support. Just someone to hold my hand and say "I'm here with you" I went through labor with only the hospital staff at my side. After DD was born, she was whisked off to NICU and I wasn't allowed to see her for several hours until she was stabilized. I showered; I sat there completely numb. I texted a few friends but I really wasn't all that close to anyone at the time. I'd been trying to call Donor since I got to the hospital. Not only did he never answer, but eventually he turned off his phone altogether. I caught him at work Monday AM (DD born on a Saturday). He said he'd come see us, said he'd come sign the birth certificate. He did neither and went right back to avoiding me.

Finding my way with my first and only child has been difficult. I never had much experience with kids and I felt so clueless with no one to turn to for an opinion, to vent, or for praise. Making all the decisions about her health, her care, her education, activities, discipline.....while sometimes I feel like the lucky one when I see other parents at odds about how to handle things...it's also very isolating. It's all on me. Knowing my actions, my choices, my words are shaping who she will be for a lifetime is scary. Not having someone to share in the milestones, the frustrations, the celebrations....it saddens me. It saddens me for me and for her, also. Dealing with her questions, her friends questions about why she doesn't have a Dad....having to skirt the subject in so many routine interactions....it's hard. I still feel isolated. I don't feel comfortable making play dates with other families. I feel "different" being a single mom. I'm sure I manage to exude that attitude and it keeps people away from me.

A child support issue came up this week. We're scheduled to go back to court for an enforcement hearing next week since SD hasn't paid since March. Recently he did begin payments again but not at the ordered amount. I'll keep a long story short but, in conversation with the case handler, I discovered yesterday that someone at the court "overlooked" the $8,000 of back support that he owes me and it was never entered into the judgment. Overlooked.....that is how I feel. So I've missed 2 years of his tax refunds at the very least because someone didn't take the time to read the order carefully. Man, that pisses me off. It just seems like I'm sailing along smoothly for a while and then BOOM!!! Titanic meets Iceberg.

Never ever do I regret that I have DD. I have something wonderful that came out of a bad situation. It's just now how I imagined my life would go. I wanted DD to have so much more than I had. I wanted her to have a "whole" family. And I know that she's got me and we're a family. I know that she's better to have one loving Mom than to have two lousy parents. I know all this. It's just not "the fantasy". You'd think I would have learned long ago that the fantasy doesn't exist.

Frogs, Sinuses & Child Support

(AKA: General Update!)

I wish I could recall more of what my dream entailed the other night. All I can remember is that it was filled with frogs. Jumping frogs, croaking frogs, trying to catch frogs.

So I go to my trusty dream dictionary which says the following:
To see a frog in your dream, represents a potential to change or to do the unexpected.
The frog may be a prince in disguise.
Alternatively, the frog may suggest uncleanness.
To see frogs leaping in your dream, may indicate your lack of commitment. You have the tendency to jump from one thing to another.
Alternatively, it may suggest that you are taking major steps toward some goal.
To dream that you are catching a frog, signifies your carelessness concerning your health.
To hear the sounds of a frog in your dream, signifies that you visit with friends will not accomplish anything that you wanted it to.

Could you narrow that down a bit, please???

I also had a dream about not being able to find my car which I know from past experience means I'm having feelings of not being able to claim/find my identity.

Health issues: I've been having all kinds of jaw/face pain. Haven't really been sure what to make of it. I thought it might be sinus, though I've never had sinus issues. Then I thought maybe just a cold. I know I've been clenching (or possibly grinding) my teeth at night and I thought maybe that was causing the pain. I thought about calling my Dr but figured I should try a few things first. So I spent $53 on "feel better" stuff: Sinus Meds, Neti Pot, night time bite guard to stop the clench/grinding. And since I was already there, I bought a massage thing to reach my "stress spot" (back of shoulder). *bliss!* So, in a nutshell, the bite guard has helped. The first night, I threw it across the bed, it seems, LOL! But I've gotten used to it now and the jaw/teeth pain is diminishing. I took the sinus meds....not helping. I used the Neti Pot (yes, Enola....you were RIGHT!), it's amazing! At this point, I am fairly certain I have a sinus infection as I have strong pain on both sides of my nose, under my eyes & in my front teeth. My ears are clogged, I can't smell or taste anything. Made a Dr appt for this afternoon to see if she can help me. I have to sing at a really big event next weekend and I need my ears & voice back!!
**UPDATE after Dr. appt: She says I have a raging sinus infection and the beginning of an ear infection. I'm now on 2 OTC medicines, RX nasal spray & anti-biotics. Plus she says keep using that Neti Pot! It's a good thing it worked out for me to see her today b/c she said I would have been in agony by tomorrow.

My mom came over for dinner last night. I find myself being less on edge with her now which is a great development. She said a few things last night that I know, at one point in the past, would have set me off. I continue to take it day by day. She couldn't help but notice my sinus issues & commented that perhaps it was the dampness in my basement. She called me this morning and tells me that she went out first thing this AM & bought us a brand new $400 dehumidifier, just because. How did I know she would do that? I was going to get one after work tonight. Guess I'm off the hook for that. Thanks, Mom!

SD (DD's worthless bio father, aka: Sperm-Donor, for anyone new to my blog) stopped paying Child Support in March. I've been working diligently in trying to get this resolved. We have an upcoming court date for 8/12. Now believe me, I'm in no great hurry to drive to his state or to see him but I want this taken care of. Today, I checked DD's bank account & there are 2 deposits from him which total less than half his normal bi-weekly payment. I want to know what the hell is up. But my anxiety is up at the thought of having to go through this again. It consumed nearly a year for me in court dates, (each one being about 100 miles away, mind you), endless phone calls, legal research. It was exhausting. I don't have the time or energy to do this again.

So there is my update....nothing too huge going on. Very busy at work. Feeling crappy. Would very much like to go home and curl up on the couch. I can't even enjoy my coffee cuz I can't taste it!!!! This morning when I woke DD up, she was still so groggy and she turned her sleepy little face toward me and said "Don't you want to leave me alone?" I feel like saying that to everyone who calls and/or comes into my office today!