Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I had choir rehearsal tonight. I sing in a small group that I love. I've been in it for seven years now and, when I began, I was very quiet and shy. That has changed over the past few years and I've really come into my own as a singer.
We're preparing for our most significant performance; it's coming up in two weeks. Last week, we were solidifying our song list and "Amazing Grace" was suggested with a solo verse going to me. Yeah! Love it!! We rehearsed it, it was lovely. I've been practicing it all week, trying to get my breathing and phrasing *just* right.
Tonight, I get to rehearsal and the song list is written & printed, copies for everyone. I glance it over. Hmmm....let me look that over again. This one, that one, this song, dat da da daa......Amazing Grace is not on the list. ? No one said anything to me about it. Just took it right out. Well, I stewed about it and didn't say anything. Later in the evening, someone else asked "Hey what happened to Amazing Grace?" and I just stood there, hands on hips, waiting.... The guy who makes the schedule doesn't even make eye contact with me, just says he wanted a different song. Oh....YOU wanted?? There are 11 other people in this group. He's not the director, he IS someone I love dearly and has been like a father to me for 27 years so this is hard for me. But I'm pissed. He hoards the spotlight in the choir and doesn't like to give others the opportunity to shine. I want to shine. Dammit, I *deserve* to shine!
So I'm stewing away at choir and starting to lose it. At any moment, I'm either going to burst into tears or I'm going to rip into someone. Or maybe both. So I grab my stuff and just run out. Driving home (a long drive, thankfully), I'm ruminating on what happened. I'm running the gamut of emotions and holy crap, I need to pull over!! I'm steaming about the situation with my "dad"..."sure he never writes himself & his songs out of a schedule. Can't he share the spotlight?. It took me sooo many years to find my voice & now he's silencing me." *lightbulb* And there is the trigger that makes this sooo huge for me. It took me so many years to find my "voice" in life....to talk about my abuse, what happened to me, to open up and people wanted me to keep quiet. That is why the disproportionate emotional response. I feel silenced, trivialized and unvalued. Aaaahhhh. I love a good epiphany.
And a side note to the previous "Silenced" post....I emailed my mother tonight and told her in no uncertain terms, she is never to talk about my brother with me again. More on that later, most likely, as I anticipate some sort of response from her which undoubtedly will piss me off in some way. :o)