Wow....

Has it really been almost 3 months since I've posted??? Wow.
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We were on vacation last week and I had every intention of posting while away. But, as it turned out, there was a freak heatwave. With the temp inside the house reaching upward of 90 degrees, I didn't feel like doing much other than a cold shower and trying to sleep with numerous fans pointed at me. Despite the heat, we had a great week. Vacation with a 5 year old is never relaxing. There was much running around, arcade, amusement park, boat rides, day at the beach. I got together with an old friend which was wonderful.
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I am still doing acupuncture once a week. We're focusing on balancing out my body energy and reducing the food addiction. It's working amazingly well. Where I used to estimate my urge (on a scale of 1 - 10) about a 9, it's now at about a 3. The hard part is that while acupuncture is causing the physical addiction to diminish, it does not address the emotional desire to binge. Food was my way to disconnect from myself, to escape. It's been my comfort, my companion. Now what happens is that my mind still desires that disconnect. It wants the comfort and draws me to the familiar outlet of eating but my mind is now engaged in the process. I'm not disconnected. This is good....this is progress. This also sucks when I really do want to disconnect!! I know it's "healthy" to be connected and it's what I've worked for in therapy. But who can deny the peace that sometimes comes with a nice, mindless dissociation? Right??!?!
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Recently, in therapy, I asked my T what she thought about hypnotism. I think I mentioned it here before. Ah yes, here. I had contacted someone about it. T tells me that hypnosis can be helpful in a variety of situations. She warned me about the "age regression" technique and that it can be potentially traumatizing. She does not recommend it for me. She asked me what I hope to gain through hypnosis. I told her that I wanted it to help diconnect me from the desire to binge. She said that tapping would accomplish the same thing.
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Now, she and I have talked about tapping (info about it here) many, many times. I've tried it on occasion. I believe in it but, for some reason, I cannot seem to commit to it. I asked her, rhetorically, "Why am I so resistant to the tapping?" Her reasonable reply...."I don't know. Why are you so resistant to the tapping?" I sat with this question for a moment when the answer came to me. Like acupuncture, hypnosis is a "passive" activity. It's something someone else does to, or for, me. Tapping is active. It's all on me. It requires my participation, my commitment, my effort. And, if it fails, then I perceive that *I* have failed. That's my resistance. I don't want to be to blame for something failing.
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That appointment was several weeks ago. T and I spoke at length about different tapping techniques, different times to use them, the most effective statements for me to focus on. I think about it daily but I've not done it yet. As of today, I created a journal with all my tapping statements and instructions as well as a section to keep track of what is happening with me when the urge to binge hits me. I post this here in an effort to follow through with my plan and be accountable to give this a serious try. And if it doesn't work then it's just not the answer for me. It doesn't make ME a failure. (let's see how many times I have to say that til I actually believe it....)