Saturday, July 24, 2010
It's been five months since an incident with my Mom sent my head reeling. The backstory is here. It took me some time (and therapy) but I was able to claim back the good feelings I had about being validated and I also came up with a plan. I prepared myself for the next time my Mom would mention my brother (an abuser) and what I would say to her.
My mom babysits once a week when I have choir rehearsal. When I get home, Bianca is asleep and it's pretty much the only time she and I talk. I expected any reference to my brother would come at this time and I was on edge, waiting, rehearsed, prepared. For weeks and months. And it never came.
Here we are now, nearly six months later and she decides to bring him up today while she's with me and my daughter. I don't want to have this conversation in front of my daughter and, of course, it's been so long that I don't even remember what I was supposed to say!! I felt a knot in my stomach....I felt silenced, like I'd been so many times for so many years. So I sat there in my stunned silence, my head reeling once again....do I blurt something out just to seize the opportune moment? Am I losing my chance? I felt a small sense of failure because I'd previously felt so amped up to put her in her place and now it was all gone. No wind in the sails! But in the end, I decided I needed to think it through and also, I did not want to say my peace in front of Bianca.
So now I sit here trying to recall what I wanted to say then, trying to figure out what I want to say now. Damn her for catching me off guard!!